Trouble TTC and Other Random Musings

How to follow my new blog

2011-07-03T12:50:00.000-07:00

Please make your way over to my new blog and follow it, if you like.

I had a question the other day asking me how to do this so I will give you an explanation if you use Blogger or if you use Wordpress. Beyond that, you will have to figure it out :P

BLOGGER USERS:

On your dashboard in blogger, right underneath your list of blogs you follow you will see 2 buttons. One says ADD and the other says MANAGE.
You are going to click on ADD.

Once you have clicked on ADD a screen with come up asking for the address of the blog you would like to follow. This is where you will type in http://deesscenicroute.worpress.com

Badda Bing Badda Boom

WORDPRESS USERS:

Visit http://deesscenicroute.wordpress.com and you will click on subscribe in the top left/middle corner of the screen.

Packing up and moving out.

2011-06-24T16:34:00.000-07:00

That's right, readers. I am leaving.

TTC and Other Random Musings has moved to Wordpress. Not only do I have a new home over there but I also have a new name.

Please join me at Taking the Scenic Route.

For those who want to cut and paste into their reader or following section: http://deesscenicroute.wordpress.com/

I hope to see you over there.
xoxo

Feeling drunk and guilty, D's bitterness and more

2011-06-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write this post for a few days but time has eluded me. So here it is.

I got drunk on Saturday. The wedding offered an open bar and I took advantage. My plan was to be starting the FET soon after so I was not going to drink. But the FET got postponed and I still had my period (the last very very light day) so I drank. And I got drunk. And I felt guilty afterwards. I have no need to feel guilty, I am not in treatment yet and I am about a month away from it so it is perfectly fine. I wasn't falling down drunk or anything, but I was feeling tipsy and in no pain. Hopefully it was the last HOORAH for a while.

D showed his first signs of bitterness this past weekend. D is patient, kind, loving and has been absolutely amazing throughout this who IF ordeal. I have a distant cousin who is young and immature. She recently had an OOPS baby. She smoked through her pregnancy and I am always giving her the side eye. Well she and her bf were at the wedding. He bf is apparently 19 or 20 but he honestly looks about 15 years old and I am not exagerating. Well once D found out that he was the baby daddy, he was giving him the bitter glare all night. And then at one point he said "HE LOOKS 13 AND HE IS A DAD??? UGH DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED"
It broke myheart quite a bit but also made me feel like less of a monster when I feel those bitter and jealous feelings towards other people.

Father's day was hard. But thankfully we spent the day travelling back home, just the 2 of us. I envisioned next year's Father's day and hoped that next year we (meaning me and BABY) will be making a nice breakfast for D. I have these dreams every year on key holidays and important days and then the next year rolls around and I have to hope once again for the next year. (Mother's day 2009 will be different...Easter 2010 we will have a little bunny of our own....Maybe I will be pregnant for the family reunion in 2011....Father's Day 2012 will be a great day)

Also, I start to pee on OPKs tomorrow for the 2nd mock cycle. Think good cycle thoughts for me.

40 Followers

2011-06-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

It's official. I have 40 followers.

At one point in time 40 different people cared what I had to say. I am quite certain that 40 people don't read my blog all the time. I am quite certain that my early followers have probably given up on me by now. But that's OK. I feel special to have 40 followers.

So HEYYYYYYY to all my 40 followers.

A beautiful wedding

2011-06-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend my cousin got married. Everything was beautiful and we all had a blast!!

She and her new husband are an amazing couple. they compliment each other so well and they are clearly very much in love.

I love weddings!!

D & I waiting for the limo to bring us to the venue.

My dad and his 3 daughters. (my mom was not able to make it to the wedding)

The female cousins.

The happy couple

Another one of D & I

Feeling better

2011-06-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

As I knew would happen, my intial disappointment has dissipated. It is not completely gone, I still hate my body and cannot understand why there is always something. But I am hopeful and confident in the next mock cycle.

I know that it is better this way and I would rather have to do this mock over one more time and to postpone the FET one more month than to ever have to experience a loss again or even a failed cycle. If this is what needs to be done to make sure that my body is good and ready to carry a healthy pregnancy then bring it on. I will take all of this heartache, all of this pain if it's going to give us a better chance at expanding our family.

So, I am still disappointed and I am still upset but I am being a little more logical and coming to terms with the fact that it's what needs to be done. Dr.L is a smart and compassionate guy and I trust his decisions.

Also, I am going to ask for my progesterone to be drawn on day 7,8 and 9 after my LH surge. Normally they do it on Day 7 but it can be drawn anywhere from Day 7-9. And because my level was so close on Day 7 and then dropped on Day 9, I am going to request a draw each day for comparison.

We will get there.

FET postponed

2011-06-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am so upset right now. Why does my body hate me so much?

My progesterone came back at 29 and they would like to see it over 30 so I was told to get it redrawn 2 days later. I did. The result came back at 10.
One more thing that my body can't do right. So Dr. L decided to postpone the FET and do another mock cycle.

In the grand scheme of things, this is for the best. We want to be 100% sure that everything is OK before moving forward with this but it's just another slap in the face. Another bump in the road and other other cliche you can think of. But mainly it fucking sucks.

It's just nature and I have nothing and no one to blame it on so I am blaming it on myself. On my body. This body that can't do anything right. I feel like such a failure as a woman and a wife. All of this for 1 stupid number. I will feel better and look at this from the positive angle soon but right now I am upset and I can't hold back the tears any longer. I just want to go to bed and pretend like today never happened.

Wake me up when the road gets smoother please?

A lovely surprise sarcasm

2011-06-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I got home from work and I was petting Roxy, and my hand touched some kind of lump. It kind of felt like a big human mole. My first thought was that it was something stuck in her fur. Upon closer inspection by D and I, I was wrong.

It was a tick!!!!!!!! and it had been feasting on her for about 24 hours.

So we called the Vet and they said to bring her right away and they would remove it. So we hopped in the car and drove the 1/2 hour to the vet's office where they confirmed that it was a tick and they removed it. we probably could have done it ourselves but I wanted to be sure there was no part of it left in her and I also had questions.

So, we bought her some Revolution for fleas and ticks and got the following information. The ticks in my area don't carry Lyme disease- PHEW!! They are pretty bad this year, they have been getting at least 1 call a day from people finding ticks. They live in grassy, wooded areas. So she picked it up when we took her for a nice walk through the bush on Sunday.

Thankfully I found it and we avoided infection (so far). It was scary and I was worried about her becoming ill from the tick but thankfully all is good. My poor girl.

For those interested: the tick was pretty engorged and D described it perfectly. Like a big rotten (brown in color) popcorn kernel that is attached to the skin. If you attempt to remove it yourself, use tweezers or forceps, get it right at the head (where is it attached to the skin, as deep as possible and even maybe squeeze the skin to make sure you get it all)

Wonderful weekend

2011-06-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

Ever since we got back from Mexico, I have been feeling very alone and neglected. I so like my alone time but I also like spending time with D. And just D. D, on the other hand, likes having people around. Don't get me wrong, having people around is also great but I do enjoy the alone time with my husband.

We got back from Mexico and it was like he had no interest in hanging out with me. He was off golfing, gone for fishing weekends, out with friends, breaking plans with me to do something else. Those kinds of things don't normally bother me but this time, it hurt. I was working my ass off at 3 jobs and just felt alone all the time when I was home. It was like he was purposely avoiding me.

Now keep in mind, I am under some stress and uber sensitive emotionally due to the FET. But I was feeling like I had to beg him to spend time with me and I refuse to do that. If he doesn't want to be around me then I don't want to force him. So once night I brought my feelings up and he apologized, saying that he was sorry I felt that way and it was certainly not the case.

So this weekend, I had a wonderful time with my husband. Friday evening we went out for dinner, just the 2 of us (normally he would invite someone else). Then we rented a couple of movies and parked out butts on the couch to watch them. On Saturday morning we slept in, our nephew came over for about an hour and a half to play and then D shipped him back home and we went out and had a bite to eat for lunch, ran some errands and did groceries. We came home and cleaned the house, puttered around and just spent some time together. We showered together, had sex, layed together and just spent time in each other's company.
Then on Saturday night, a few friends came over and we chatted, watched the hockey game, the baseball game and UFC fights. Everyone (except me and my pregnant friend) had a few drinks and then we went out to a bar. (the pregnant friend and her husband went home) D and I left the bar together at about 1:45 am (normally we leave separately). We came home and had a little snack together and then off to bed.

Sunday we woke up and chatted for a while and then he made me waffles, we sat outside and chatted some more and then decided to head out to my parents camp to visit for the afternoon. While we were there we went for a nice walk in the bush with the dogs (Roxy and my parents' dog, Mika) we held hands, chatted, laughed. It was nice. Later, we walked down to the beach together and threw a frisbee a couple of times. We had dinner with my parents and then headed back home.

I am not a demanding person, I don't need fancy romantic evenings and expensive gifts. I just need to feel like I am wanted and that he wants me around. This weekend was perfect. He took notice of me and we also enjoyed the company of others too.

I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.

2 years ago

2011-05-31T17:56:00.000-07:00

I am ovulating. 2 years ago this information would have sent me into a planned sex frenzy.

But today? I got my positive OPK. I called the fertility clinic and left the following message:
"Hello, my name is (say and spell name here) I am a patient of Dr. L's. I am currently doing my mock cycle for my frozen embryo transfer. I just got a positive ovulation test so I am now in need of my schedule for blood work and ultrasound. Also, please fax my requisitions to (insert fax number here). I can be reached on my cell phone today where you may also leave a message at (insert number here)."

Funny how things change.

So now I am on to step 2 and step 3 of the mock cycle. On Thursday I get an ultrasound to check my endometrial lining followed by a blood test to check my progesterone level on June 7th. If I pass those tests then we are full steam ahead for the FET.

I am impatient for these things to happen and then when they do I get all nervous and jittery. By my calculations I think I will be heading to the city where the clinic is around June 24th (which coincidentally I am also booked for a pap test with my gynie)

Meds or Stress?

2011-05-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

When I did IVF I was told numerous times about how moody I would be from the meds. I was teased, D was teased that I was going to be some irrational freak of nature due to the meds I was pumping into my body.

I wasn't that bad. Near the end I was bitchier than normal and I got annoyed very easily but for the 2 months that I was taking different hormones, I would say I made it through pretty good.

This time around for the FET I am med free, which I am very happy about. But I must say I am more emotional than the first time around. I am moody, cranky, tired, stressed, emotional and weepy. Every thing that D does hurts my feelings. I am thinking constantly about the 40 million different scenarios that could come out of this. Maybe it's because I have been through the devastation of it being unsuccessful or maybe I am just regularly stressed and anxious.

So is it the meds that make you moody or is it the stress? Maybe a lovely combo of the 2.

On to phase 2 of the FET Mock cycle: On Saturday I will start taking OPKs.

My Fertility Clinic

2011-05-21T16:15:00.000-07:00

Well clearly it is not mine, I do not own it. But it's the one I chose and the one I go to. So, I shall call it MINE.

It's a nice place. Yes, I hated it over the holidays when I was at home stirring and bleeding and spotting, with my + HPT and nobody to get a hold of due to holiday hours but that is partially my fault, we picked a horrible time to do IVF. Hind sight is 20/20 though, right?

Anyway.... I do love them there. The staff is very nice and accommodating, I am always in and out pretty quickly (for the experience I have had at the actual clinic-many of my appointments have been teleconference or telephone) and they all always smile and wish you luck and answer any and all questions you have. They are there 7 days a week for you. During my IVF treatment, I ran out of Puregon. I mentioned it earlier that day at my appointment but they figured that I should have enough. I did not. So I called the doctor on call and he met me at the clinic on a Friday evening right around dinner time to get me more Puregon. Private health care was looking very good at this point. He even suggested delivering the meds to me but we decided meeting him there would be best.

Because this is the only place I have gone to for fertility treatments, I didn't realize that some people have to deal with clinics that are Monday to Friday clinics so you better not need treatment on a weekend. I actually laughed and was horrified to read the following line from a clinic's website while I was researching FET schedules:

Unfortunately, during a natural cycle, we cannot control the day of ovulation. If the day of embryo thaw and transfer falls regularly on a Sunday or holiday, the laboratory staff will become very unhappy

What??? Is that for real? I feel terrible for those couples who are dealing with such a clinic. Then I realized that some people are medicated to accommodate a Monday to Friday clinic schedule and while yes, the purpose of medication is to force things that won't happen naturally, I am glad that my clinic did not change my dosages to ensure that I fit into their schedule.

From my dad

2011-05-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

My dad has a sense of humor. Most of us in my family do. Sometimes it is dry, sarcastic, inappropriate but always hilarious.

The other day I checked my email to find this gem, sent to me and my 2 sisters:

Ladies, your Mother has just stood me up for [cousin]'s wedding as she is going to Charlottetown for work. can you find me a cheap date ( between $ 3.00 and $ 12.00 and prefably disease free for the evening ) please don't tell your Mother.

I am still giggling.

I love my dad!

The FET is on

2011-05-18T15:06:00.000-07:00

AF showed up and so we are off like a herd of turtles. (DH always says that but this time it rings true because it will be slow going)

This is how it's going to go, I will start taking OPKs in a week or so and once I get a positive, I call the clinic. Then I arrange to have an ultrasound done 3 days later and bloodwork following that. Once my ovulation date is pinpointed, the clinic will tell me when I have to be at the clinic for my real monitoring and the FET. (ex: they will tell me I am to start my monitoring there on CD 12)

Then once I get the next AF, I will call them and tell them what day is Day 1 and we will figure out the date that I am to be back at the clinic. Hopefully I will be there for a maximum of 2 weeks. But we shall see.

I am anxious, nervous, scared, excited, worried, and a million other similar emotions all rolled into one. At the same time it is all kind of surreal and even though IVF was 6 months ago, it feels like a million years ago.

It is days now

2011-05-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

The mock cycle for the FET will officially get rolling when AF shows up. She could be here any day but should technically be here Wednesday or Thursday. I know she is coming, I can feel he creeping up. And with every symptom I get a little more freaked out.

I am anxious and considering the million different scenarios that could pan out with all of this. My body is healed from IVF and the m/c, it is ready to go forward with this. I don't know that my emotions will ever be healed but I feel ready to try again. But with all of that comes the nerves. I am terrified as well.

I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak but I am also not ready to throw in the towel yet. And now that we discovered a second blocked tube, our chances of conceiving on our own are Nil. So that is adding a bunch of stress, it can no longer be a shot in the dark back up plan.

So here I sit and stew and worry. This is going to be another long 2 months followed by another hellish 2ww. Can I click my heels together and make it all go faster?

I hate lying

2011-05-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

But lying I am.

D and I (well mostly I) made the decision to keep the FET a secret. When I have to leave town for a week, we will tell people who are close and on a need-to-know-if-I-am-out-of-town basis that I am getting a whole slew of testing for "monitoring" to make sure that at the mid/end of my cycle that all of my hormones are producing properly in my body.

We will tell them that these tests need to be done at the clinic and it was just easier for me to go there for a week straight and get these tests done. To other Infertiles it may seem like a weird lie that should be followed by a million questions but to the Fertiles and Cluelesses in my life, it is perfect.

We have already started. A few close people knew that I was getting the hysterosonogram yesterday so said people have asked what is next. I said "I will probably need some more tests but when we are ready we can do the Frozen Embryo Transfer" Usually at the sound of 'when we are ready' the line of questioning stops. People walk on egg shells and while normally I hate that, for this, it's OK with me.

When we found out that IVF was going to be our best choice for conceiving, I came out of the IF closet. Previously I had been very very private but by that point, I got very sick of being asked questions about our future and babies that I decided to come clean with a choice few. Then that few grew and grew some more.

When the time for IVF came around, most of our friends knew. D got a bit of a big mouth and he told a few more friends than I would have liked, who in turn told their Significant Others-significant to them but very INsignificant to me and so there were too many people who I am not close with who all of sudden knew very private details about me and knew why I was away for 3 weeks. It's just how things snowball from one person to the next.

And then when IVF was over, I felt like I was under a microscope, people watching me, looking at my belly for any signs of bloat, watching what I was drinking until finally when I went into hiding and became very recluse and quiet and sad all the time, which is not like me. Then that is when I assume people figured it out. And I must say, it is nothing to be ashamed of but it is HUMILIATING when people know that either IVF failed or that you have miscarried. It's heartbreaking, you can feel the looks of pity and I hate that.

So because of all of it, we are keeping it a secret. Thankfully I have BOTB and my blog, otherwise D might divorce me for my lack of an outlet to get all of this out.

The Hysterosonogram

2011-05-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

Today I had my hysterosnonogram.

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 am. I went to work until 11 and then I drove 6.5-7 hours to get to the city where the fertility clinic is. I got up this morning, went to the clinic, had my invasive procedure and then drove the 6.5-7 hour drive back home. I did this all by myself and I am fucking exhausted.

Back to the test itself.

I got into the ultrasound room and the procedure was explained to me (I already knew what to look forward to) and the technologist went to get Dr. L so they could proceed with the fun.

The plan was to check my uterus and make sure there were no abnormalities that caused my miscarriages. But Dr. L asked me if he could also check my tubes today. I said sure, why not. He's going to be in there anyway.

So away we went. The speculum went in, my cervix was wiped, the catheter was inserted through my cervix into my uterus. The speculum was removed, and my boyfriend, the TransVag ultrasound wand (aka Dildo Cam) was inserted to take some Glamor shots of the procedure.

There was very minimal cramping and discomfort. Compared to the HSG (Hydrosalpingogram) it was a walk in the park. Everything was looked at and saline was pushed through and I watched and listened as they explained what was going on. It was a good news - bad news situation.

Good: My uterus is fine and there are no abnormalities.

Bad: There was no flow coming out of the left tube (the one that is was open) so it is now also blocked. Dr. L said it could be from more scar tissue or it could have been because I had already ovulated so maybe the uterine lining was blocking it, but he said it wasn't that thick so he dismissed that as a possibility.

Good: We have the go ahead for the FET.

Bad: If the FET doesn't work, we no longer have that 7% chance of conceiving on our own

Good: Ontario health care will pay for 3 IVF cycles is both tubes are blocked

Bad: I decided after the last IVF cycle that I never wanted to go through that again.

So, for now we will proceed with the FET. I hope so badly that it works and I don't even need to think about or consider the possibility of another IVF cycle. But if it doesn't, we have some serious thinking to do and some really tough choices to make.

The possibility of twins

2011-05-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

D and I made the decision during our IVF cycle that twins would be too much for us. For many reasons, the main one being that my OB is 1.5 hours away and the hospital where I live is just not equipped to deal with the possibility of preemies and the support needed for pre-term labor that often occurs in multiple pregnancies. So for my own health and safety and the health and safety of the potential twins, we chose to transfer only 1 embryo.

For the FET, Dr. L has recommended that we transfer 2 embryos. We trust him and will seriously consider what he recommends and we will transfer 2 embryos (providing that 2 survive the thawing). So we are now dealing with the possibility that we will have twins. (we could also be dealing with the possibility that neither embryo will take but I choose to try and be positive)

Today, at work a woman came in for an ultrasound who is about 30 weeks pregnant with twins and it made me think. That could be me.

There are risks, there are concerns, there is hope.

Back to reality

2011-05-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

I have been masking my stress and my anxiety and my sadness with the planning of our vacation.

I buried myself into the thought of escaping reality and getting a much needed vacation for D and I. And now we are back and my Hysterosonogram is on Monday and I am starting to freak out. I just figured I would go there, have the test and then come home and wait for AF to start my mock cycle before moving on to the FET in June. But it never occurred to me (or I never allowed myself to think that) there might be something wrong. What is my uterus is not capable of carrying a pregnancy? I am starting to freak out a little. I had a minor meltdown the other night, my first in a while.

This makes me wonder if I really am ready to be moving ahead again. Am I ready to go through this all over again? Am I strong enough to handle it all over? I do think it is worth the try because I don't want to spend my life wondering what if but I also don't know if I can handle a potential heart wrenching, soul shattering disappointment again.

::sigh:: I am thankful for my vacation because clearly, my reality was worth escaping.

Pictures from Mexico

2011-05-01T07:17:00.000-07:00

Just got back from an amazing trip to Mexico. Of course, AF showed up the day before we left. It wasn't too bad though and the trip was amazing!

We went to the Riviera Maya and stayed at the Catalonia Yucatan. We met some great people and had a wonderful time!

We did an excursion one day that included walks and bike rides through the jungle, visits to some Mayan Ruins (the history and stories are amazing and wild), we got to climb a big pyramid called Coba. D made it all the way up but I got too chicken at about 3/4 of the way and slowly made my way down on my butt. Then we went to a different area, walked through the jungle, went ziplining over some water that was the home to 2 alligators, walked some more until we made it to a Cenote: a sinkhole with exposed rocky edges containing groundwater. It is typically found in the Yucatán Peninsula and some nearby Caribbean islands. The term derives from a word used by the low-land Yucatec Maya to mean any location with accessible groundwater. We got blessed by a Mayan Medicine Man because we were going swimming in the Cenote and they believe that is their Underworld (which is a good thing), then we rappelled down into the Cenote, went for a swim in there, swam through a pitch black cave and I mean PITCH BLACK. Then we walked back through the jungle, went for a canoe ride, had a delicious Mexican lunch and it was back to the resort. An amazing and exhausting day!

VIVA MEXICO!

Now it's back to the real world though, Yuck!

Of course my body didn't cooperate

2011-04-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

I have been planning this trip. It would have fallen perfectly around a no AF time but sometime in January or February I had a longer than usual cycle. That's fine, we figure it out.

So I planned this trip knowing that I would have AF but that I would be in the home stretch and only dealing with lighter days and no more cramps or bloating.

Well my bitch of a body got wind of this plan and decided to be a bitch. AF should have been here Monday/Tuesday. It is now Wednesday at 6:15pm and nothing. Every symptom is here hinting that the bitch is on the way but no red sign of her yet.

So I will go to Mexico with cramps, bloating and heavy bleeding. Just once you would think she would co-operate. JUST ONCE!!!!! But nope. Dee wants a break from life and needs this post IVF/pre FET holiday with her husband to relax and unwind and get away from everything? Let's shit all over that idea!!!

D is sweet. He said "Well you will have your period in Mexico...it's OK, just think that you will be in Mexico, so in the bigger scheme of things, it's OK"

He is right, but I would have liked to been cramp and bloat free. So here's hoping she shows up soon and tomorrow I can suffer with the cramps and bloating and then Friday's plane ride can be uncomfortable. Whatever. It is what it is. I really should know better than to think my body would cooperate for once.

**Yes, for a very brief moment the thought that I might be pregnant crossed my mind. I know better than that but yes, it did briefly cross my mind. Could you imagine? TTC for years, finding out that we have a 7% chance of conceiving spontaneously, going through IVF, having another m/c, wasting all of that money, having a meltdown and then getting pregnant on the first time having sex in months??? We all know that those miracles don't happen to me.

3 jobs

2011-04-16T12:21:00.000-07:00

Last week I had only one job. By Thursday of this week I had 3.

I am currently working full time in the Diagnostic Imaging department at my local hospital as the reception clerk. I started out in the hospital in the Lab taking blood which I loved. My reason for leave was that I did not get enough hours. I have regretted leaving every since and have wanted to get back to it.

So an opportunity became available for me to be able to do some weekends in the Lab so I jumped at the chance. HORRAY I am back! (and might I add, I still go it....I had a refresher course today and I did about half the patients and didn't miss one of them-Go Dee!)

Then the next day I get an email from my boss at the radio station saying they will be short staffed starting immediately and would like me to come back and be an extra voice for them. So I agreed to go in one day a week to do some recording for him to help him out.

I better really enjoy my trip to Mexico because once I get back, things are going to get hectic!

Round 2 on the roller coaster

2011-04-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

We saw Dr. L today. We now have a plan for our FET (frozen embryo transfer). I got all of the information that I was needing and we are going forward as planned.

So we will do a natural cycle, natural just means without meds. We can do this because I have a regular 28-30 day cycle and I ovulate perfectly fine on my own (one might think that would make it easy for you to get pregnant...apparently there are other factors at play-whodathunkit?)

First comes my "mock cycle." How this will work is when I get my period in May I will call the clinic with my Day 1. They will send requisitions for me to get blood work and ultrasounds to monitor and find out when I ovulate. Once that is determined we wait until the next period to come in June. Then I call the clinic and I head back down to the city where they are for about a week. During that time I get daily blood work until they see a LH surge. Once that happens, they count 5 days, thaw the embryos and transfer.

We all remember that during my IVF cycle, we decided to only transfer 1 embryo. A choice we did not come to quickly or lightly, but a choice we came to together and after advice and research and many questions. For the past couple of weeks I have been considering the idea of transferring 2 embryos in the FET.

At today's appointment the RE said he recommends that we transfer 2 embryos. I was surprised because from the get go everyone at the clinic is very pro "only transfer 1" but since it was his recommendation, we will consider it more strongly and will most likely go with this option, if the embryos survive the thawing.

We have 4 frozen ones left. The first is a better quality than Petey (the embryo we transferred at the IVF cycle) the reason that happened is that the day of the transfer, the 2nd best one developed more and became better quality before it was frozen. The 2nd embryo is the same quality as Petey and the other 2 are a little lower quality but still good.

So we are getting on the roller coaster again. My frozen babies will have to be frozen just a little longer, then I promise to give (2 of) them a warm and cozy home for 9 months and a loving and warm life after that.

Roxy the wonder dog

2011-04-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

She is a wonder dog. She is a magician, a bundle of nerves, a daredevil, a cuddler, going blind.

My dog has separation anxiety. People laugh at her quirks and special needs because "she is a dog!!" but her anxiety is very real and her quirks make her that much more special (and annoying) but I know what each one of her mannerisms mean and I know what to do for her most of the time.

I got Roxy when she was 4 months old. Not a new puppy but not an old dog either. She has always been timid and at first, she was afraid of men. I am very certain she was abused before I got her.

So let's talk about her separation anxiety. Roxy does not like to be left behind and she takes whatever means necessary to escape. She has ripped through almost every screen in our house and jumped out of the corresponding window or door. She has made a 15 foot drop out of my In-Laws' bathroom window. She has jumped up on a chest freezer and ripped up the screen to the window behind it and leaped a good 10-12 feet to her freedom. When we leave we have to make sure that all windows are closed because if one is open even a crack, she will find it, open it, claw the screen and jump.

Roxy has been known to open the heavy patio door, locked or unlocked. She is also very well known to wrap her leash around anything and wiggle herself out of her collar and then she's off to explore the neighborhood. People will comment that her collar is too tight when they pet her but in reality it is not tight enough because she can still get out of it. You cannot fit a finger between her skin and the collar but she still manages to Houdini her way out of it.

The screens are replaceable, it's a royal pain in the ass to have to do them several times a summer but they are replaceable. The carpet she has decided to rip to shreds little by little will be a bit more costly and a new floor is just not in our budget right now.

The big problem is that we can't leave her with other people because she tears their house apart too and not only does it get expensive for us but it's embarrassing and you feel to blame. Leaving her in a kennel is absolutely out of the question, she wouldn't eat or drink in a strange place with people and other dogs she doesn't know. And she would have a constant whine on.

What I need is someone at my disposal to come over to our house and watch her while we are away. Then she is in her own house and more comfortable. We have tried every tip there is out there to help her with this, including medication. Nothing seems to work.

So what? She is going blind, has a terrible case of anxiety and separation anxiety and rips apart my house as she sees fit (it is not every time), she is always happy to see me when I get home, she escapes from her collar and explores the neighborhood loose, she is afraid of toys that squeak, she doesn't like to play, she is afraid of small animals, she rarely barks, she growls at small kids if they get in her space, she loves to play hide n seek, she loves to cuddle, she needs to be near you or touching you at all times, she doesn't beg for food and listens well, she is a bed hog, she loves to sleep in and be lazy.

She is my baby and I love her.

Can you say Mexico?

2011-04-12T12:28:00.000-07:00

I can!!! And soon I can say "I am in Mexico!!"

We finally booked our trip. After some ups and downs and watching the prices fluctuate every day we finally booked it. Now I am really starting to get excited.

We are going here:

Ohhh I can't wait!!!

I am in so much need and I deserve this vacation so much. DH and I both do. I plan to relax, explore, drink, swim, snorkel and enjoy the sun!

I can't wait to wear flip flops!!!!

Stranger things have happened

2011-04-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

Now to blog about my other pregnant friend. I mentioned before that both of my BFFs were pregnant. Of course there was the finger crossing and hoping for one of them who has been through 2 losses. (everything is fine)

Now, my other friend is experiencing some strangeness. Last week she spotted a little and Thursday the spotting was more significant. So she spoke to the OB who she works with and he sent her for a STAT ultrasound. At the ultrasound, the tech did not see a gestational sac. So she was sent for bloodwork. Well her level came back around 1500. Bizarre.

So her doctor wondered 2 possible scenarios. She ovulated much later than she assumed (since she was not TTC, she was not charting) and she was too early to see anything on the u/s OR it is ectopic. Though he expected her to be in much more pain if it were ectopic.

She returned today for bloodwork (result not ready yet) and an ultrasound. The tech thought she may have seen a spec of something but is not 100% sure.

Very strange. She is to come back on Friday for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.

Keeping my fingers crossed that she is just much earlier than she thought.

Update on me now? Ok. I see Dr. L on Thursday to discuss the FET procedure. EEEEEEEEEP

Good news!

2011-04-06T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to update. I want to thank you all for keeping my friend in your thoughts. She had an u/s done on Monday and all is well. Baby has a nice heartbeat. I am very relieved!!

Also, in other news, my other BFF is also pregnant. They are each due within a few weeks of each other. I am very happy for them. And rather than be hurt and jealous I have decided that I will always have a belly to rub and kicks to feel. (I know some people are not fans of the belly rubs but I am and these are my 2 best friends) and I will have new babies to cuddle and I will be an awesome auntie to them.

(of course my heart stings a little because I feel left behind but I choose to be happy for them instead of sad for me and maybe when they are big and round, I will be able to tell them one day that we did the FET and I am also pregnant)

Life cannot be this cruel, can it?

2011-04-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

My very close friend is pregnant.
She has suffered 2 losses in the exact same way. She gets to about 7 weeks and there is no heartbeat. The second time she saw a heartbeat and then it stopped a week or 2 later. The first time, she went for her ultrasound around 11-12 weeks and the baby had stopped developing around 7weeks.

So here she is pregnant again. Her betas are being monitored weekly. It went from 830 to 7474 and then to over 30,000. Things are looking AMAZING. She is having bouts of nausea, she is moody and hormonal. But the poor girl is stressed. She is worried that there is a black cloud of doom hanging over her and nobody can get her to stop it. I just need for her to get past the point where she got devastating news last time and then I hope she can calm down.

She has a feeling this weekend that it is over. She says she knows her body and that she just has that gut feeling. I choose to remain hopeful for her because she deserves this and will be an amazing mom. But you cannot convince her to stop worrying. And I don't blame her. She knows nothing but getting to this point and then getting that horrible news.

Monday she will see a doctor, get an ultrasound and I can only cross everything I have and hope with everything I have that she will see that flicker of a heartbeat on the screen and she will be able to breathe and enjoy this pregnancy and prepare for her future as a mom. Because life cannot be that cruel to rip away this gift from her again and again. It just cannot.

Did you book yet??

2011-03-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

Daily people ask me if we've booked our holiday yet. I say no. I get pleasure out of this too.

The first time we went on a hot trip it was our first time and we went with friends so we booked well in advance with a travel agent. The next time was our honeymoon and I had enough going on with the wedding plans that I let the travel agent take care of it for me.
The next time, I went away with my sisters and my mom and my sister set it all up with a travel agent for the 4 of us.
Then there was Las Vegas and that was for a friend's wedding which D and I were both standing in so we booked pretty early. Then it was my sister's wedding and we booked with the group for the wedding.
I kept saying "Next time we will book according to a good deal and do it last minute"

So this time, it is what we are doing. I check daily at what kinds of deals are happening and we are waiting to book. Could be Cuba, could be the Dominican Republic, could be Jamaica... who knows?

It's exciting. All I know is that in 1 month from now I will be laying on a beach somewhere in deep relaxation mode.

I am looking forward to it.

Baby steps

2011-03-23T11:49:00.000-07:00

More and more I find myself thinking about the FET and also planning a future with a pregnancy and a baby.

I have always pictured myself pregnant or with a baby. You look ahead at events and periods of time and think "I could be pregnant or I could have a baby then" but as we all know, I have yet to experience this. After the most recent miscarriage I put those thoughts out of my mind. And I knew that once they returned I would feel ready to try again. Well the thoughts are back and we are going to move forward with our tentative plan.

This morning I took a PNV, this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone but me but it is a huge step. I stopped taking my daily PNV the second I realized that my pregnancy was not healthy and that I was miscarrying and since then the bottle sits there, mocking me. Today, I took one and plan to continue taking them.
I called my RE and requested an appointment to go over the FET procedure. I will be doing a "Natural cycle" which means no meds-HORRAY!!! So I will first do a 'mock cycle' to determine when I ovulate and then the following cycle I will travel again to the RE's office and I will be monitored daily and once ovulation has occured they will wait 5 days and do the FET. Our big decisions now are how many to thaw and how many to transfer. We have 4. Not every embryo survives the thawing so it could be very difficult. But we will cross that bridge if we come to it.

Did I mention that my period started today? So the plan goes as follows:

APRIL - Vacation
MAY - Mock cycle
JUNE - FET

Here we go again......................................................................

A few things

2011-03-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

It is tax time. So today I took a stab at filing our taxes. The program that I used was super easy and I was able to file online. We were able to claim IVF, this is good and probably the reason why we are getting such a good return (about 2800) but going through all of those receipts stung but I made it through.

The money will go to 3 possible things: Our trip in april, our credit card or for the FET when we decide to do it.

D is playing in a hockey tournament this weekend so I will be spending some time watching hockey, my kind of weekend ;)

My best friend is pregnant. I am the only one who knows. I am so very happy for them, they have suffered 2 losses and I am just so hopeful that this is the sticky baby that they want and deserve so badly.

Tonight at my dad's house he told me about someone who had a baby. I said 'oh yeah' and he said "yeah he is dating so-and-so" and I just blurted out "Yes, dad, I know. Everyone is super fertile, that's great!" Then he said "sorry, I was just telling you" and I said "Well don't. I don't care." I have never ever been that vocal about my pain with anyone else other than D. I felt a bit bad for acting that way but at the same time I don't care.

Hmm, what else? I think that's about all I wanted to say.

Game Night funnies

2011-03-13T09:54:00.000-07:00

We had game night over at a friend's house last night. I love playing games so I was super excited.

The game we played for the larger portion of the night was Loaded Questions: Adult Version. I laughed so hard I cried and almost peed myself several times. So I thought I'd share some of the funny answers from last night. The game goes that someone reads a question and everyone writes down an answer, then the person who read the question reads everyone's answers out loud and people take their turns guessing who wrote what answer. We were also drinking and being very immature.

Q- Finish this poem Roses are red, violets are blue...

Some answers: "my testicles are itchy, can you scratch them?" we roared at this cause of course it doesn't rhyme. "Did a dog shit in your mouth? Cause it smells like poo"

Q- Name a tv mom that turns you on

Answers: "Roseanne" (this was answered by 3 different people-LOL), "Marge Simpson" and "Lois Griffin"

Q- If Hugh Hefner and Sesame Street colaborated on a project what would it be called?

Answers: "Bert and Ernie do Big Bird" "Miss Piggy Takes Big Bird" "Suck-a-me Street"

Q- Name something that should only be done in private

A- (this one got my vote for answer of the night) "Masturbate to the Sears Catalog"

Game night is fun.

"I am ready when you are"

2011-03-12T12:36:00.000-08:00

I married a wonderful man. I may get pissed at him from time to time and he may aggravate me to the point of tears but all in all, I could not have been paired with a better man to be on this journey with.

Today we had a little chat. I told him I was sorry for being such a shitty wife. (we have not had sex since before the egg retrieval-in DECEMBER) He said there was no need for apologies and "I am ready when you are ready. I am a patient person" I said that he must be getting frustrated and he said he isn't (I am sure he was lying) when I repeated it a few times he said "I think I was frustrated at first but now I understand it more." I told him that I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to cheat on me (I added "I would never forgive you and I would leave you but I wouldn't be surprised) He said NEVER and I know he is being truthful.

We also talked about the FET and he again said "I am ready for that whenever you are." He said that he wants it to work out so bad but he is scared of the roller coaster we went through with IVF again. Of course he is, we both are.

I am very fortunate to have such an amazing husband. IF is not an easy thing to deal with and it takes a big toll on your marriage, I am one of the lucky ones who found a real partner to go through it all with, especially when the IF issues lie within my body.

I got my tattoo

2011-03-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

If you recall I was pondering the idea of getting a tattoo in remembrance of DJ and Petey. I came up with the idea of 1 forget-me-nots. Both of my EDDs were in September (2010 and 2011) and I found out that not only do forget-me-nots signify remembrance but they are also September's flower. Perfectly fitting.

My criteria was that it had to be in a spot that I could see without the use of a mirror or having to contort myself like some circus act and that it could be a place that I could hide easily.

My worry was that blue in tattoos often looks tacky or cheap and flowers can look horrendous too. So I was nervous and actually considered getting stars instead.

So without further ado, I present you my new tattoo. The floor is a bit dirty and the picture doesn't do the color justice and it looks better in person. I am also not sure why in the second picture the color looks so light and like a 2 year old colored it. LOL

A Saturday drive

2011-03-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

So today I was scheduled to leave to go visit my sisters and niece and nephew and BIL. So I did.
I drove to a town an hour away and when I stopped for gas I heard that there was a highway closure just ahead up the road.

Should I wait it out or should I go back home?

The weather forecast wasn't looking great and my dad informed me that once they did reopen I would be stuck in long lines of traffic anyway including a lot of transport trucks. So I came home.

I will try again bright and early tomorrow morning because my nephew wants me to make it to his 11am hockey game and it's a 3.5 hour drive. Looks like no sleeping in for Dee this weekend.

Better safe than sorry.

Improvement or masking the heartache?

2011-03-03T06:56:00.000-08:00

I have found myself thinking more and more about the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Up until recently, I couldn't even think about it, not even a little. I knew what my options were but I just couldn't face it until I let myself heal. I looked at the future and thought about a childless and non-pregnant existance, which was different for me. For as long as I can remember I have always looked at my future in terms of the possibility of being pregnant or having a child. Many dates, events and milestones have come and gone where I thought "I will be pregnant there or I will have a baby then" but at each one of those events and dates I have had an empty ute, empty arms and an empty heart.

So after IVF and the second miscarriage, I looked at my future as a childless person. I tried to fill that massive hole with material things and distractions. I said I was "doing things for me" like taking guitar lessons, playing volleyball, planning a vacation with D, training for a half marathon. And we thought, if I am ready we will look into starting the FET natural cycle process in May with the transfer happening in my June cycle. But as those dates approach I am thinking more about it. Am I ready? or Am I trying to mask my ongoing sadness and heartache? I am not sure.

Part of me thinks that it is a step that I am thinking about moving forward but that same part of me is terrified. When we made the decision to do IVF I somehow got it in my head that this would bea sure thing for us. I knew the statistics, I knew the chances. But I told myself that I didn't fall into those categories. Afterall, I have a normal and regular cycle, I ovulate perfectly on my own, I am young and healthy, D's sperm is marvelous and our only obstacle is my blocked right tube. It wouldn't be an issue,my problem is that the eggs can't get to where they need to be to meet the sperm. Since my left side rarely ovulated (only about 10% of the time) this was a pretty sure fire option for us. There was a wall blocking us from conceiving and IVF was the door being installed in the middle of this wall and once the door was open, our problems woul dbe solved. Obviously, I got a very rude awakening. And through that rude awakening I felt absolutely shattered. I am broken, my body does not work as it should, as a woman's body is designed to work and that was a hard pill to swallow.

So now, thinking about doing the FET I am afraid. Can I handle another heartbreak? What if the embryos don't survive the thawing? Do we push the enveloppe and transfer more than 1 this time? We have 2 good quality ones and 2 not great but still decent quality ones. Do I take my chances with those?

I know 1 thing for sure, I will never do a full IVF cycle again. But as the rest of the questions surface, I will remain confused, afraid, worried and always questioning. Always.

If I wasn't sure before

2011-03-01T14:06:00.000-08:00

I sure know now. My body hates me. AF likes to mess with me and ruin my life.

So D and I are planning a tropical vacation away. Away from home, work, life and hopefully away from all of the stress and worry. We need this.

But since I started my new job I do not get many holidays (about 6-8 days for the whole year) we planned it so that I would only have to take 4 days off instead of 5-6. It also worked out perfectly with my cycle. If everything went according to plan, I would be just finishing my period when we arrived and the last few days are barely anything so it would be perfect. I got my period on holidays once and it was horrible, I will never do it again.

So because I am bitter and broken I have not been paying much attention to my period. I try and remember CD1 and that's about it so I didn't notice when this period was late.

I did some new calculations and since the stupid bitch decided to be 5 days freaking late this time, my period will probably fall right smack dab in the middle of our planned vacation. WHORE! So I am waiting to see what happens for March's cycle and hopefully we can resume according to plan.

So busy and so emotional

2011-02-25T18:26:00.000-08:00

Life has been a whirlwind lately. Work has been absolutely nuts leaving me exhausted. I was sick for a week and my training for a half marathon has fallen way way behind and I need a new kick in the ass to get me going again cause I am feeling like a sloth these days.

On top of being crazy busy, I am also feeling crazy sad and while I am doing some counseling, I really don't feel like talking to her about it. It sucks. The reason I am doing counseling is to be able to open up to someone about all of this but yet I don't feel comfortable enough in front of the counselor to break down and really talk about things. I also feel like because I am on auto shut down at all times she thinks that I am fine and strong and that she probably wonders why I am even going to counseling. I am dreading my next appointment because I have been feeling so down lately.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I am not in party mode with my young, childless friends and I am not planning playdates with my friends and their children. I am stuck in my basement under my blanket crying all alone. I don't even want to talk to D about it but he knows something is not right. I don't hug him or kiss him anymore. I don't say I love you. And sex? Well let's just say the last time we had sex was in 2010.

::sigh::

The ABCs of Me

2011-02-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

Yep I am bored so I stole this from Buckin.

(A) Age: 29

(B) Bed Size: Double and I wish for a King every single day but we need to do some minor renos before that can happen

(C) Chore You Hate: Cleaning the bathroom

(D) Dogs? Roxy. My cute and sweet little mixed breed with anxiety issues and a face that melts my heart daily.

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Shower

(F) Favorite Color: Red, purple, pink

(G) Gold or Silver? White gold

(H) Height: 5'7

(I) Instruments You Play: I am currently taking guitar lessons so stay tuned (no pun intended)

(J) Job Title: Diagnostic Imaging Clerk

(K) Kids: None yet. I have lost 2 babies to early miscarriage.

(L) Live: Ontario, Canada

(M) Mom's Name: This is a weird question. I won't even say my husband's name on here. My mom's name is Mom

(N) Nicknames: Dee (it's short for my name)

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Yes. Tonisilectomy & Adnoidectomy when I was a kid and Appendectomy & bowel resection when I was a teen.

(P) Pet Peeve: Loud chewing noises and people who feeeeelll theee needdd to spelllll with a buuunchhhh of needlessss exxxxxtra letttersssss

(Q) Quote from a Movie: From my all time fave MY GIRL

Weeping willow with your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown
Is it because he left you one day
Is it because he could not stay
On your branches he would sing
Do you long for the happiness that day would bring
He found shelter in your shade
You thought his smile would never fade
Weeping willow stop your tears
There is something to calm you fears
You think that death has ripped you apart
But I know he'll always be in your heart

(R) Right or Left Handed? Right

(S) Siblings: 2 older sisters

(T) Time You Wake Up? During the week, 6:45am

(U) Underwear: yeah, I wear em.

(V) Vegetable You Dislike: I can't think of one!

(W) What Makes You Run Late: Can't find anything to wear

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: OH boy. Maybe I will just give you the one where something what actually broken? My Collarbone. When you play sports you get injuries so I have had a few xrays in my life.

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Spaghetti sauce. YUMMMM and homemade soup

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Elephant.

Seeing the counselor

2011-02-19T06:17:00.000-08:00

I almost didn't go. I almost turned around on the way there. When I had a bit of trouble finding the place, I almost just went home.

But I did. I saw the counselor. I didn't break down and cry, I stopped myself. I think the most difficult part will be opening up and letting go a little more. I was still very stiff and didn't release that much 'real' emotions with the whole thing.

It was good though and she is getting me a book to help with the emotional aspect after miscarriage. We focused more on that than the IF.

Not sure what else to write.

Valentine's Texting

2011-02-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

I will preface this by saying that D and I do not celebrate Valentine's Day. I have never believed in it.

Today I am busy, after work I am going to the gym, followed by a 1-hour massage. I will get home around 7pm and D's night shift starts at that time so we will not see each other today. With our schedules, that happens sometimes and it's no big deal.

D texts me this morning:

Happy Valentine's Day

and I reply:

Happy fake holiday to you too

Love is in the air, I tell ya.

Let's Talk About Sex: The Oral Edition

2011-02-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

***This blog post contains talk of oral sex and delves deep into a very personal side of my life**

There is about a million different names for the act of fellatio, either male or female.

I am not a big fan of the blow job. I will do it every now and again but it's rare that my poor husband gets a BJ and usually it's just a tiny blip on the foreplay radar. I cannot remember the last time I gave a blow job from beginning to *ahem* end. I have friends who are fans of giving blow jobs because they are not in the mood to have sex. Screw that! If it is a question between sex and a blow job, I am spreading my legs 9 times out of 10. I have even had bets with D where a blow job was the prize and after he won I would say "I don't feel like it, can we just have sex instead?"

But then there is the flip side. D going down on me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot. But I rarely let him do it. It's weird and I have never considered myself a prude but when it comes to this, I am. I worry about the smell, did I shave well enough, is he looking at it? cause it's ugly, it cannot taste good, am I grossing him out in some way?
Evidently, the whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. But when I do relax and let it happen I always wonder why I don't let him go downtown more...... Maybe one day Prudence McPrude will leave my body and I will let go a little.

The of course there is the ever awkward and uncomfortable 69. Has anyone ever really enjoyed this? Honestly? If you are on top you are not only trying to enjoy what is happening to you all the while holding yourself up and working on a task of your own. It's exhausting. I am too busy concentrating on what I am doing in order to enjoy what he is doing. If we are going to engage in oral then I think it's best enjoy if everyone takes their own turn.

A new outlet

2011-02-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have taken the plunge. Well I mad an appointment to take the plunge.

After a bit of deliberation, I have decided it is time to seek some help for my emotional downfall. I am seeing a counselor. Unfortunately she does not specialize in IF or loss but I hope that having someone to talk to will be a good thing.

This is a major step for me. When I am upset I shut down. I shut everyone out and I hide in a dark place and I don't let anyone in. I don't talk about my feelings. I was raised in a house where I was told to "Suck it up and get over it! Move on!" I was raised by a woman who never talked about her feelings and never encouraged me to talk about mine.

The result? A person who does not deal well with her emotions and whose immediate reaction is to bury them very deep inside.

So Wednesday after work is my first appointment, I have a whole bunch of anxiety about it and hope I have the courage to not blow it off. Cause I do need this.

Baby on Board signs

2011-02-06T12:24:00.000-08:00

These have always boggled me. I have always thought they were tacky. Sorry if you have one. Well actually, if you do have one can you explain to me why you have this?

Is it to make other drivers more cautious around you because you have a baby in the car? In which case should I get one that says "No baby here, feel free to hit me at a high speed!!"
Is it to alert the world that the reason you are all over the road is because your baby dropped his or her pacifier? Seriously, I want to know.

On top of my dislike for them, as an Infertile I now view them as bragging. Why not just plaster your van with signs that say "My ute works and yours is defective!!" Wait, you mean to tell me that the sign is not a personal attack on me?

I swear I know how ridiculous I sound yet the feeling remains.

Let's Talk About Sex: The Anal Edition

2011-02-04T17:59:00.000-08:00

I am a virgin.

An anal sex virgin. I will die an anal sex virgin.

I always thought I was in the majority with this one. Apparently I am not. My girlfriends and I got to talking about this once and I realized I am almost alone in my ass virginness. Me and my friend L are the only two out of the 7 of us who were talking about it.

I don't judge if that's what you want to do but from the way it has been described to me, I have no desire to have to put so much lube that I may need a beach towel, have a dick shoved up my ass while I bite down on a leather strap or something only to have to feel like I need to take a massive dump during and immediately afterward.

Yeah, no thanks.

I told D if he ever seriously wanted to do it that I would entertain the idea on the one condition that I get to shove a dildo up his ass too so he would know what it felt like. Oddly enough, he has never asked.

I love getting mail

2011-02-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

Surprise mail? even better!

When it contains a heartfelt letter? SUPERB!

Yesterday I got a gift in the mail from my dear internet friend, Krista. You never expect to meet people online who will forever touch your life in such a special and amazing way, but I did and Krista is one of those amazing people.

A while back she hosted a giveaway on her blog for a necklace that is made by her cousin. She makes these necklaces for people with IF and/or who are dealing with a loss. Unfortunately, Krista and I fall into both of those categories. I didn't win the necklace but thought it was such a beautiful idea and such a great giveaway. The necklaces are made from Oyster Shells and Baby Foot shells(thin delicate shells with a baby's foot imprint in the center) Krista's cousin puts them together for those in need to wear for hope and promise and remembrance.

And yesterday I got my very own Baby Foot necklace and I love love love it. It is a unique and beautiful gift and I got very teary eyed when I read the heartfelt letter and was so touched to receive the necklace. I put it on immediately and all through the day today I would put my hand over top of it and feel the inspiration that came with it.

To Krista, this was a simple gesture to an internet friend but to me, it means the whole world and more.

I took these with my webcam so they are crappy quality.

You can kind of see the imprint of the baby's foot in the smaller shell.

What a steal of a deal!

2011-01-31T16:37:00.000-08:00

I read an awesome blog called 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. The blog is so true and real and helps you to laugh and cry and feel bitter all the while knowing you are not alone. I love it.
Some of my favorite posts include: Do You Come to this Reproductive Endocrinologist Often?, You Have A Lot of People Looking At Your Vagina , Good Luck Phoning Your Mommy Friend

Just to name a small few.

Recently something happened to me that reminded me of something that could go on that awesome blog and I wanted to share.

We forked out a lot of money for IVF. Any other person who is going through this or has been through it knows what I am talking about. On top of the cost of the procedures there is the cost of meds which is astro-freaking-nomical then I also had the joy of paying for my accommodations for 3 weeks while I was in the city where the RE's office is getting monitored and my treatment, the extra costs of being away from home, and on top of it all we chose December so we had to do some Christmas shopping (Thanks for understanding our financial situation, ILs, I appreciate you forcing us to buy you all a Christmas gift even though we were paying out the ass for fertility treatments-BAH HUM BUG)

So our total was pretty large. Another part of this whole mess that stings, all of the money that we should have just flushed down the toilet instead.

So when my follow up appointment came with Dr. L and we discussed the FET I was expecting to hear another high number. Knowing that I need to heal emotionally and financially before even thinking about doing the FET. Then he said the number. $1200 total for everything, since I will be doing a natural FET cycle, I won't have to worry about the cost of meds.

And what did D and I both respond to this? Wow! That's not bad at all!!!

Some people worry about the cost of a BBT to get pregnant and maybe a few months of VIP fertilityfriend.com. Some don't even have to go that far and just have the cost of a cheap, old condom that breaks.

But not us. $1200 for another chance at becoming parents? What a steal of a deal!!!

Doing things for ME

2011-01-30T08:34:00.000-08:00

I am a pretty important person in my life. I often ignore me. Not anymore.

I am taking guitar lessons for me

I bought myself some new wheels

And I am about 80% sure that I am going to run a half marathon this year. In May. It's something that I have always wanted to do but put off intense training for TTC.

Yep, it's my time now.

Let's Talk About Sex

2011-01-29T06:11:00.000-08:00

When I get together with my girl friends the conversation often turns to sex. I really do believe that women talk about it way more than men do. I might make this a regular blog segment, who knows.

And since my sex life has been ruined lately thanks to T-TTC, why not find some humor in what many people take so very seriously.

Today's topic: Shower sex.

I do not like shower sex. It is not comfortable, I go in the shower to clean and shave and be warm under the water. Throw in a second person and you have to share the stream of water, the ceramic walls in my shower are too cold to lean against and I am not strong enough to bend and contort in whichever way needed to have sex standing up on a wet slippery floor. It's just not appealing to me.

But D tries. Oh does he try. Here is a conversation we had that always gets a good laugh out of my friends when I tell them.

I am the Italic font and D will be the Bold font.

Let's have a shower together

No thanks

How come you never want to have a shower with me?

Because I don't like shower sex

We don't have to have sex, we can just have a shower together

Yeah right! As if you would ever just have a shower and have it not be sexual

I won't! We will just shower together.

No, cause then I have to share the water and I get cold while I wait for you to use it

You can have all of the water, I don't care.

Well that's just creepy! I will be showering while you stand there...dry...staring at me...with a boner!

An Award??

2011-01-28T11:07:00.000-08:00

A wonderful woman, Jenni, over at Tomorrow's on the Way gave me an award. It is my first blog award and I am shocked. My blog lately has been a non-stop spewing of whining and crying and I am honored that Jenni chose my blog for this award. Thank you Jenni, you are quite supportive and helpful and always have something nice and comforting to say. I appreciate this very much.

There are a few rules to this award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award!

So here are 7 things about me (I will try to make them things about me that you probably don't know)

1- I have a 36D size bra

2- I am the youngest of 3 girls but have never felt like the spoiled baby of the family but rather the forgotten last child. So I have always been loud and chatty to try and demand attention.

3- Nothing makes me more angry than a liar. Even if it is a small stupid lie.

4- I wore braces for 2.5 years. My teeth were so bad and crooked that they had to pull 2 just so the rest would fit in my mouth straight. One tooth was so crooked it was almost backwards.

5- I was electrocuted as a child (about 2-3 years old). The family dog chewed the plug off a fan and I got a hold of the chewed off plug and plugged it into the wall. The lights went out and I started to scream. When my mom came in she saw that I had a black mark on the tip of my finger and also on the tip of my big toe. (where the shock when in and out). She did not take me to a doctor or hospital.

6- My body is covered in birthmarks. They range in size and area of body. They are watched carefully for changes and many of them have been removed and tested for cancer and abnormalities. One of them is on the right side of my head and it causes my hair on that side only to be curly and frizzy and thicker than the other side.

7- If money was no object I would get a nose job.

And now to award other bloggers. I don't have 15 people to award this to so I will just pass it along to a few of my favorites. I am not exactly sure what the Stylish Blogger Award represents but I will pass along to people who have great blogs, amazing stories, good hearts and who have touched my life in some way.

1- The amazing, strong, loving and sweet Megan at After Jillian (a private blog) who introduced me to pretzel M&Ms, for that I am forever grateful.

2- The beautiful, positive, strong and caring Ashley at Life as Ashlet

3- And what can I say about Sulfababy? She is a survivor, incredibly strong, funny and witty, so helpful and positive, and her blog is not only hilarious, serious, emotional but it is also educational and entertaining. She writes Close my Eyes and Leap

4- I believe she already has this award but I have to include the amazing Krista at Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers Not only is Krista an amazing and strong woman like the rest of my nominees but she is tough and sweet, she knows exactly what to say because she has been there. An most of all she is my proof that there you can never lose hope. She is my proof that we infertiles deserve good things too.

I also wanted to award one to Amber from Born in a Barn but she recently received one so this is her honorable mention ;)

A new vehicle

2011-01-24T16:52:00.000-08:00

D and I have been surviving with 1 vehicle for quite a few years now. I was working part time and we couldn't afford a 2nd vehicle and we made it work with just 1.

Tomorrow that officially ends. After work I am picking up my brand new 2011 Ford Escape!

Normal me would be so excited and squeeing all over the place. I am excited but my current state of emotion is keeping all of that in check. But yay for a new car...truck....SUV

Like a ton of bricks

2011-01-23T08:34:00.000-08:00

I knew today was coming. I noticed it on the calendar last week. But this morning I did not think of it. I did not realize the date.

Then when I was out running errands I had to write the date and there it was taunting me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is January 23rd, the day that my first pregnancy ended. The day I started bleeding and cramping and had a nervous breakdown.

::sigh::

Another tattoo?

2011-01-22T16:15:00.000-08:00

I have always considered the idea of another tattoo. I have 3. I got my first when I was about 16, behind my parents' back. It is a Chinese symbol that means Happiness, the next I got when I was 18 or 19, it is another Chinese symbol on the other side of my lower back that means "Truth" The third I got in Vegas in 2009. It is on my foot, near my heel, just below my ankle bone. It is an L and a 3 that are together and looks like a heart in hot pink. The L is the last-name initial of my maiden name (and also my married name) and the 3 represents my 2 sisters and I.

I vowed never to get a tattoo unless I was really sure and it had some meaning. I have decided I want another one and I know exactly what I want. I want something to honor my 2 lost babies. They both had EDDs in September and one of the flowers of September is the forget-me-not. So I want to get 2 forget-me-nots (which incidentally in tattoo form mean "remembrance"). I am thinking maybe on the top of my foot but I am not sure. I like having them in places that I can hide if need be. (professional or classy reasons)But I know for sure that I want this tattoo and I want it in a place where I can look at it without contorting myself or having to use a mirror.

I am welcoming suggestions for placement and also suggestions for design, if anyone is artistically inclined or knows of a good website, I would be very grateful.

The telephone appointment

2011-01-22T05:49:00.000-08:00

I had my phone consultation with Dr L yesterday. It was my post-IVF appointment. When we finally got on the phone together (there was a huge mess of him calling the wrong numbers, being late, thinking I was a no show in the office) the first thing he said was "do you have any questions?" I wanted to say WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? but bursting into tears didn't seem like my smartest option so I said Not really cause I wanted him to direct the appointment.

So he told me that he usually goes over the chart and then will tell me what would be done differently next time. He is pretty sure I overstimulated. Even though I didn't get OHSS (because I really listened and obeyed the prevention advice), I had way too many eggs mature. He said that what happens is that the bad quality eggs get too excited and join the party when they really shouldn't. So he started telling me how my next cycle would be changed. I said "I am going to stop you right there. I have zero intention of doing a full IVF cycle again, it was too hard on me emotionally, financially and physically"

Then he tells me that I have 4 embryos frozen (I guess the 3rd and 4th really kicked it up a notch on that last day cause they thought I would only get to freeze 2) 2 are better quality than the other 2 but I do have 4 decent ones.

So our next step with them is to do a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) on a natural cycle, meaning I will not have to take any meds (which is great for me) because I have a regular 28-30 day cycle. He actually said that for some people a FET is better than a fresh IVF cycle because the meds sometimes overstimulate your uterus and make it TOO thick (I had no idea that was a possibility but he is the expert)

So because we will never have a real answer, I am going with the info that I was overstimulated and it made a whole bad combination. It doesn't make it hurt any less but I am more educated about things now.

While I am not even close to ready to do the FET yet, we are thinking maybe Spring or Summer for that.

In the meantime, he is rechecking my thyroid to make sure all is well still and I am also getting a Saline Injection Scan (Sonohysterography) which I don't know what it is yet but I will get info.
And when I am ready, I will just call the clinic with my Day 1 for my mock cycle and I will be monitored through that and then the next cycle will be our FET. We have some big decisions to make before then (how many to thaw for transfer) but I am not ready to even think about that yet.

It keeps getting better!

2011-01-20T18:18:00.000-08:00

So I got the appointment fiasco handled. No thanks to Dr L's turdbag assistant. I had to call her back since she was ignoring my call and she said she would look into it and call me back.

She called me back finally and informed me that my appointment was a telephone appointment. Dr. L will be phoning me at 2:40 tomorrow afternoon for my appointment. And her tone? Her tone was very condescending like as though I should already know that. I wanted to scream through the phone "REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN YOU LEFT ME A MESSAGE SAYING THAT MY APPOINTMENT WAS DEFINITELY THROUGH THE TELEMEDICINE PROGRAM??????"

So I had to make arrangements for him to call me at work and then make arrangements to find a private area in the department for the appointment. And then I got mad. How freaking personal is that appointment? You can't even face me through a television screen to tell me that I am broken and pretend to be sorry about what happened to me? No, you got my big fat payment so who the hell cares about what happens to me next?

I am so frustrated and I am nervous and feeling a lot of anxiety about this appointment. Or sorry, about this phone call that I have to take in the middle of my work day.

Bullshit.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

2011-01-19T15:29:00.000-08:00

That is what the people at the Fertility Clinic SHOULD have said to me as we left after my embryo transfer.

While we were there we were treated fantastically!! Everyone was polite, helpful, hopeful and seemed to really care about us. From the receptionist to the phlebotomists, to the ultrasound technologists, to the nurses and the doctors. Everyone.

But the second I stepped out the door I think they put my chart in a "we already have their money" pile. My after-care was nothing to be desired.

Dr. L got a new assistant and I cannot stand her. I love love love loved his last one., Linda. I loved her. She was fantastic!! I don't know where she went but I wish she never went anywhere. His new assistant never answers her phone, rarely returns messages.

Here is where this is coming from:

On the day of my embryo transfer I was given a date for a post IVF appointment with Dr. L. I informed the nurse that the appointment would have to be done through the Teleconference appointment. She said no problem.

Normally I receive a letter from the teleconference program confirming my appointment. When there was no letter last week, I called Dr. L's twatwaffle assistant and, of course, left her a message. She called back to say it was definitely booked as teleconference and I should be receiving a letter to confirm. Today? Still no letter and the appointment is on Friday. So I call the teleconference co-ordinator at our hospital. She has no record of an appointment for me. None.

FOR FUCK SAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I call the douchenozzle and again leave her a message. She did not call me back. I am pissed and Dr. L is going to hear about this.

Just when I think I am ready

2011-01-18T18:18:00.000-08:00

I miss BOTB. I had to take a break because it was all too much. The stupid trolls and the newbies who ask stupid questions (even though I was a stupid newbie asking stupid questions what seems like forever ago) and then seeing all of the pregnant bellies, the tickers and the babies. While I am happy for all of the great women I have met through BOTB, it was just too painful for a while.

I recently started slowly lurking again here and there. Maybe 1-2 posts a day. And then I think I am ready to come back and start posting again and I open a post and just start crying for no reason. It's so stupid because the most support I have gotten has been through BOTB. When people in my real life didn't know things, I told BOTB. When I got my very first BFP, BOTB knew before D knew. The amazing women there have been there for me to cry, to give e-hugs, to laugh and to snark whenever I needed. And yet I am finding it too hard to read the posts, to lurk, to even think about posting anything.

::sigh::

For you BOTB ladies who read this blog, I miss you, I love you.

When the pain seeps in

2011-01-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

I had a few moments this weekend. Moments of sheer bitter jealousy. Moments that took my breath away. Moments that made a lump form in my throat so big that it made it hard to breathe. Moments that made me resentful and angry. Moments that made me plain sad.

I hate those moments. I hate every last one of them. Mostly though, I really hate that I have become the person whose eyes well up with tears at the sight of a pregnant woman. The person who feels bitter jealousy to the accidentally pregnant woman.

And while people don't meant to be insensitive, almost everything makes me upset. From the co-worker/friend who is newly pregnant and who is about exactly where I should be to the girl who works in my dad's office who is young and accidentally pregnant who he goes on and on about and how sweet she is and how he refers to her as his 4th daughter and how he dotes over her and buys her treats. "She is such a sweetheart" "I have to buy E some treats to keep on my desk for her, my little sweetheart" It takes everything in me to not say "Well good, now you will have another grandchild from HER" instead I just hang my head and fight back the tears.

Yeah, I hate these moments.

The Smorgasbord Post

2011-01-16T07:35:00.000-08:00

I have a few things to talk about and am pretty sure that I will just ramble on so bear with me. And if you want, you can pick and choose which sections you want to read.

First: an update on Memere.
As mentioned on Monday, my memere was admitted to the ICU with a UTI, bowel obstruction, heart attack and vomiting and abdomen pain. Tests were done all week. Ultrasounds, bloodwork, CT Scans. Turns out she did NOT have a heart attack (great news) her bloodwork was all wacky from the other illnesses. She let her UTI get too bad before coming in and the infection messed with the rest of her body, badly. She finally stopped vomiting after a few days and is now keeping some food down. She might be able to go home today. ::sigh of relief::

Next: Heartbreaking sad news along with a preachy speech.
A second cousin of mine (more of an acquaintance/friend-ish person than a relative-our dads are cousins) passed away on Friday. She was only 28 years old and sadly, it was not a shock or a surprise. A few years back she was diagnosed with Stage 3 cervical cancer. They had to perform a hysterectomy. She continued on with life and even made plans for a surrogate with her sister for her to have children in the future. Then last year she started getting ill and tests were run. The cancer was back with a vengeance and had spread throughout her body. She had very intense chemotherapy and radiation (I am not sure how many rounds but more than 1). She tried experimental chemotherapy. She even got better for a little while. Her and her fiance decided to get married. They had a very small ceremony with plans to celebrate in a big way once she was healthier. But the cancer wouldn't let up. She fought an amazing fight. She never gave up once and even when the doctors didn't think she would last more than a couple of days, she fought back. But finally this week, she told her family that she couldn't fight anymore. And with her family by her side, she passed away.

So let this story be a lesson to you all. Pap tests are uncomfortable, they are not fun, they are intrusive and sometimes embarrassing but they are important to screen for serious diseases. I had abnormal pap tests a few years back, the abnormal cells were caught early, I had LEEP biopsy done and my paps have been normal ever since. Pap tests are an important screening tool. My sister has had several surgeries to get rid of her cervical cancer, something she would have never known about had it not been for routine pap tests.

Next on a much lighter note: retail therapy

For the past almost 3 years I have not really shopped. I always had it in my mind that I would be pregnant soon so I didn't want to waste money on clothes that might never fit me again and even if they did, they would be out of style by the time I got to wear them again. So I didn't shop. I bought the odd thing here and there. It got bad. My wardrobe was (and still is) very much lacking. So I decided to plan a shopping trip. And yesterday I did just that. I went with a plan of spending money, getting some clothes and replenishing my closet. I bought a few shirts, a jacket, a purse but no pants. I need pants in the worst way. So to complete my shopping trip I ordered 6 pairs of pants online this morning. Along with a couple more shirts. I like retail therapy.

And finally: My mood

As I said before, I am slowly getting better. It is strange how much different my emotions are this time around. I am almost void of emotions. For a while I couldn't feel anything but sadness. Sadness all the time. I couldn't smile, I couldn't even say I love you to D because I couldn't fathom the emotion of love. I was just sad and numb to everything else. Slowly I am able to smile again. I almost burst into tears at the hockey game last night because a couple was there with their new baby and everyone was fussing over him. I stayed far away and I don't like that I have that resent and jealousy but I am allowing myself to feel what I need to feel right now.

See? I told you. A Smorgasbord (and yes I googled to see how to spell that word)

So much to say

2011-01-14T19:08:00.000-08:00

and yet nothing to say at all.

I have a few things I can post about but I just don't know what to write.

I didn't have a great day today, some days are sad and some are ok. Today was a hard day for several reasons and then I get news that an amazing woman also had her heart broken today. My thoughts are with Sulfa and Mr Sulfa and I wish there was something I could do for them but I know there is not.
Let your tears come. Let them water your soul.
Eileen Mayhew

Guitar Lessons

2011-01-13T15:18:00.000-08:00

Just before I got married I decided to start taking guitar lessons. D had an old guitar that he planned to learn but never did and I thought I would like to do that. So I took a few private lessons and actually knew a few chords. I even bought myself a new guitar.

But then I quit.

I keep saying that I need to pull it out again and relearn the chords and what not. Then I was told about a 12-week course to teach guitar with my old teacher. So I decided to sign up. This way it is a designated time, I am in a class with others and I paid for the full 12 weeks. So I have to stick with it.

I am going to learn to play guitar. If only I had a nice singing voice....

A decision

2011-01-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

Day by day I start to feel a little better. While I am still shattered and heart broken and devastated, I am finding a way to fight back to myself.

And while I truly and honestly think that a big part of me has changed, I am starting to feel back to somewhat normal little by little.

A big part of this is rational thinking. In my darkest days I gave up, I told D to leave me and then said I would just leave him because I am not able to give him what he wants and what he deserves. In my darkest moments I laid in the bottom of my shower curled in a ball, sobbing. D had to peel me off the couch, off the bed, off the bathroom floor. It wasn't pretty.

And today, as the light slowly started to creep back in, we talked. Rationally. And we made a choice. I told D I don't want to give up yet (even though I said that I did numerous times over the past couple of weeks). And while I am about 90% sure that I will never do a full cycle of IVF again, I don't want to give up. So instead of ignoring the appointment altogether, next week I will have my post IVF appointment with my RE and I will listen to what he has to say. I will ask many questions and we will make a new plan. I don't know if that plan is a FET (that is of course if they were able to freeze any remaining embryos), if that plan is charting and hoping on our 4-7% chance of conceiving spontaneously, or if that plan is exploring the idea of adoption. But either way, the plan will be put in place and we will continue and move on.

In the meantime, we are taking a bit of a break. I want my body to have time to heal (and I am sure the RE will suggest this as well) and my mind and emotions also need to rest and heal. We are still taking our vacation in April and we will not be 'protecting' against a pregnancy. I don't plan on charting but we all know how that goes.

So there it is. At this point, I can't handle the thought of going through this heartache again but I also can't handle the thought of living the rest of my life childless and knowing that D will never be a father.

For now, we wait to see what the RE will say next Friday afternoon.

1 Year

2011-01-10T15:04:00.000-08:00

January 10, 2010. 1 year ago today. I got my very first BFP ever. I was aware of my pregnancy for 13 days before I started to bleed. I cherished every second of that pregnancy and I knew today was going to be hard. I would be mourning the loss of my first pregnancy while still dealing with the emotions from my second.

I imagined the day would be hard, I knew I would be unhappy. So what happens today to put the icing on the cake? I get word that my otherwise healthy Memere was brought to hospital by ambulance last night, had a heart attack, a bowel obstruction and was admitted to the ICU.

So I spent my breaks and my lunch in the ICU with my dad and uncle and my memere. Still no final word on what is going on. She cannot stop vomiting and so far her heart looks ok. Waiting for more tests.

So to sum up. Today fucking sucks.

I gave it back

2011-01-09T15:22:00.000-08:00

Before leaving for my long stay in the city where the Fertility clinic is, my mom stopped by with something that she and my dad wanted to give us to help out with our IVF. Money.

She handed me an envelope with $500 in it. She said it was what they could do and they wanted to help us with our expenses and since there was nothing more they could do, that's what they wanted to contribute. I didn't want to accept it but she cried. So I took it, all the while thinking that I would pay them back one day.

When I returned from the city, I hadn't even so much as opened the envelope. The entire 500 was still in it and I contemplated what to do with the money. Should we put it on the credit card to help with some of the charges we made while we were there? (meds, the apartment etc) or should I start a bank account for the future baby if IVF proved to be successful? I decided to sit on it for a while and make a decision when the answer was more clear.

Well we know where I am at now. And the money? Well I wanted nothing to do with it. So today I put it in a bigger envelope with a letter to my parents explaining that I couldn't take the money and have nothing to show for it and how it is bad enough that we wasted a large sum of our own money, I didn't want them to have to waste one red cent of theirs. We went to their house and I discreetly left it on their kitchen table. I don't know if they found it yet but I hope we never bring it up again.

Taking a Vacation

2011-01-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

Before IVf we decided that if we could financially do it, we would take a vacation in April. Either way. If I was pregnant then it would be good to get away one last time before the baby would be born and if I wasn't then it would be nice to take a vacation and try and leave my worries at home.

So we all know the outcome. And so I am not changing that plan. I am going on a vacation.

A group of our friends are heading to Cuba at the end of the month but my paid holidays don't kick in until March (or April, I am not sure) so we decided to head out on Good Friday for 1 week to a hot destination. The criteria? It much be a hot destination, an all inclusive resort, 4 Stars or better with many restaurants and bars and it MUST be adults only. There is no way I want to spend my vacation away from my trouble surrounded by families and babies. No thank you.

As soon as I am able to look forward to things again I am sure I will get excited about this vacation. Until then, I am looking for the perfect destination. We are thinking Mexico or Jamaica but we are not too picky as long as it meets the criteria.

My outlet

2011-01-06T16:20:00.000-08:00

This blog has taken many turns. It started as a random blog for my everyday life. It quickly became a hopeful TTC blog. Then took a turn to a possible Trouble TTC blog as I began fertility testing. Then briefly it was a miracle pregnancy blog. Then there was the first heartbreak of a miscarriage. Then back to a hopeful TTC blog with random musings thrown in here and there. Then it became a T-TTC blog and quickly an IVF blog.

And now? Now it is my outlet. There are not many (read any) people IRL who I really feel comfortable letting it all out with. I let bits and pieces here and there but I have trouble baring my whole soul to someone. It's weird.

Today was a bad day. My job is not ideal for someone who is going through what I am going through. Working in a Diagnostic Imaging department is not a great place for me to be. But it is what it is. Today seemed like a never ending stream of salt being poured into my wounds.

Today, I booked an ultrasound for a girl who was early in a pregnancy and spotting and my heart broke for her, I booked an ultrasound for a girl who I have seen before who has been a pain and has not taken her pregnancy seriously (I won't get into specifics but you can be sure that she is not happy about the 30 week old fetus in her womb right now), I watched as a young girl sat in the waiting room with her boyfriend laughing and giggling while she waited for her ultrasound to find out if there was still enough time for her to get an abortion.

I congratulated a girl I know who just got married last weekend (which was hard for me because even smiling these days is an extreme chore but I didn't want to be rude). She promptly asked me if we were "trying to have a baby yet??" I flatly said no and quickly turned around and walked away quickly while swallowing the giant lump in my throat.

I returned from my break to find my co-worker booking an ultrasound for a girl who screws a different guy every night of any given weekend. By that point I had had it.

Then I realized that my life (especially my work) is going to be one long day like today. People will always be pregnant, people will always have accidental pregnancies or pregnancies that they don't want. The world is cruel and unfair and I am stuck in the middle of it all wanting something so badly that I feel anger towards those who have it. I hate that part of this whole process. I have never been an angry, jealous, bitter person. Not until infertility finds you, do you truly understand what this is like.

Meanwhile, D sits by and holds me and waits for his wife to return. I am beginning to think she is gone forever.

The shell that's left

2011-01-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

Today it came to me. Exactly how I feel. It has been hard to describe. It's like a numb, empty, painful, full feeling. See? Makes no sense.

Today I figured it out. The Dee that everyone knew died. She is gone and what is left is a shell of a person that is just going through the motions. I care about nothing but my heartache. I was back to work today and thought to myself "All I can do is the job in front of me. I cannot be the cheery, happy person that people are used to, she is dead." Then came the OB ultrasounds for the afternoon and the calls to book the OB ultrasounds, and the URGENT ultrasound needed for the crack head to see how far along she is because she is too cracked out to know when her last period was. But she will deliver ANOTHER healthy, happy baby. A baby that she probably doesn't even want, a baby who will never know who its father is and a baby that will not even be important enough for her to straighten herself out. Another baby for her mother to raise.

Normally, this is my favorite time of the year. The World Juniors. Canada is going for Gold again and I can barely crack a smile over that. I am usually so hyped about it and excited but this year, I watch the games in silent. My nephew usually calls me after every period and we talk about the plays and the goals and the penalties but if he called, I wouldn't even answer the phone because I don't want to talk to anyone.

My BIL is taking him to the Bronze and Gold medal games. I should be jealous and excited for him and I should be telling everyone how lucky he is to get to be there live. But I am not. He wants to call me and talk about how excited he is but my sister won't let him because she knows I am in my bubble, behind my wall, in my deep, dark place. (I know this because my dad tells me)

Speaking of my dad. He came over yesterday with my lecture. I knew it was coming. When something bad happens in my life, I shut down. I build walls around me and I mope and cry. This time is no different and is probably even worse. So my dad, being the dad he is, wants to fix it all and came over to give me the lecture yesterday. And I just sat here and cried listening to him. I don't know what to do but I know that his speech is not going to help this time. Everyone is worried, Dee. Everyone loves you and wants to be here for you, Dee. You can't go to that deep dark place, Dee. We cannot let you get so deep into a depression that it scares us, Dee. We are so worried about you, Dee.

And the shell that is left just sits and cries.

Home alone today

2011-01-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

D had to go back to work today. And while I have not been much company lately, it was nice to have him here. Here to hold me while I cry, here to keep me from having continuous meltdowns and here to answer the phone and field the calls that I just don't want to take.

And now he is working, for 12 hours. I am all alone for 12 hours and the loneliness is palpable. Yet another reminder of the quiet that my life is. The baby-less all alone, quietness.

You know how when you think about your future there is something particular in the picture? For me, for as long as I can remember I pictured a family. A husband, and at least 1 child, even 2. And now when I look at my future I don't know what I see. I have nothing to look forward to. For the past 3+ years I have been looking forward to a healthy pregnancy, to becoming a mother. And now? Nothing to look forward to and that is a heartbreaking adjustment.

Tomorrow I return to work. Return to the scene of my breakdown. My crying in front of my computer, my crying in my boss' office. I am sure I will be getting many sad looks and pitying glances. ::sigh::

I am still devastated, still heartbroken, still shattered. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I should probably take a blogging break because these whiney, self centered, sad and depressing blogs probably don't make for a great read.

The Days are Long

2011-01-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

The minutes don't go fast enough.

I am drained. All I do is lay on the couch and stare and cry yet I am exhausted. And sleep is the only way I can escape the heartbreak. For some reason I don't dream about it, my dreams are normal and I may even smile in them. And then for the 2 minutes while I am waking up, the pain seeps back in and the minutes go by at a painful and awful crawl.

I don't know what to do from here. I don't know how to begin to repair the broken heart. Poor D just sits and holds me and rubs my back and tries to get me to eat. I eat when I get hungry, which isn't often though. Maybe once or twice a day. But I eat.

I don't know what is worse. That I am going through this again? That I dragged my body, mind and finances through hell for something that I convinced myself was a sure thing? My body responded well, very well to all of the meds. Yes, I had many side effects and I was kind of miserable but it was all worth it because I just knew that this was going to work. I just knew it. Every nurse and doctor told me how well I was doing and they were all so positive and they were all so helpful and they convinced me that this would work. And now what? Nothing.

Now, not only am I losing ANOTHER pregnancy but I have to feel every pain and moment of it and I have to see it leaving my body.

I will never be a mom. I have always wanted to be a mom. I was never one of those teens that thought having kids would be horrible. I always knew that I would be a mom and a great mom at that. But now the dream is over.

I will not go through IVF again. I will not. It's too much. I really can't go through it all again. On top of the meds, the monitoring, the stress, the money, there is also the fact that I am away from home for 3 weeks during the whole thing. It's too much. I cannot and will not go through it again. I knew from the start that this would be a one time shot for us. I guess I just never really prepared myself for it not working. Or for another miscarriage.

How does a person look to the future anymore? My future always included a baby. And now it looks pretty lonely. Just me. I think about D and how much he deserves to be a dad and will I be enough for him? When his friends are all taking their kids skating or swimming, or to hockey practice and baseball games. When they are away for weekends at tournaments and out of town games. Will I be enough for him to just stay home and watch tv? My heart breaks for that. He feel in love with a broken woman and I don't know how to fix it.

I could go on and on about all of this. I think I needed a way to get this out. If you made it through the whole thing, I am impressed. Sorry to depress you and make you read all about my heartache and heart break.

I am happy to give 2010 a big huge FUCK YOU and while I know 2011 will not be any better, at least it's not the year where I miscarried twice, once after going through IVF and once after experiencing a wonderful miracle or the year when I realized that my dream of being a mom is over.

It's over

2010-12-30T10:55:00.001-08:00

My betas were too low. The bleeding is worse. I am miscarrying again.

I don't have many more words. My heart is broken and I don't know how to put it back together.

Still on the roller coaster.

2010-12-28T07:53:00.000-08:00

As I see the end of the track nearing, I figure it is time to let the cat out of the bag and also to explain why I am so cautious about the whole thing.

I got a BFP. I actually got 2 of them. My first pee stick was the only one I had left in the house and of course it was a blue dye test. It must have been on sale cause why in the hell would I buy a blue dye test?

But before I continue, let's backtrack a couple of days. What the hell is this? An episode of How I Met Your Mother???

We all know that I had a bit of spotting and that on Saturday (Christmas Day) it became red.

Well Sunday morning it was full on light bleeding and it was scary. But we found out that vaginal bleeding is a side effect from the Endometrin. So off to google and to TheBump I went to gather some information and I realize that the bleeding is quite common with IVF and Endometrin. Ok, good. I can breathe a little. I even talked to the mother of beautiful twin girls who went through IVF who told me that she bled/spotted for 5 days and that she also experienced some cramps too and that it is all normal.

So I decided that as long as the blood stayed relatively light that I would POAS.

And now we are back to the start of the story. Monday (aka Yesterday) morning. I woke up pretty early and peed in a cup. I was still bleeding but decided I needed to do this. I open my cupboard only to find a blue dye pee stick, the last one. Shit. So I open it up, read the directions (because I haven't already done this a million times) and I dip it into the cup and count 25 seconds (the directions said 20 so I added 5 for luck). Then I took it out, recapped it and waited. To pass the time I read the FAQs in the pamphlet, while looking back at the pee stick every 5 seconds or so. After about 30-45 seconds. The + sign appeared. I waited a little longer and watched it get darker and darker.

Positive.

So I head upstairs and wake up D.
"Good morning. Are you awake?"

"Hi. Not really. Why?"

"Because the test was positive"

His eyes widened and he just grabbed me and held on to me.

Of course, I don't trust the blue test result so I throw on some clothes and head to the pharmacy and buy a 2-pack of FRER. I return home and dip one of the sticks into my pee cup. D and I stare at it and the line starts to show up pretty quickly. POSITIVE.

So now I am cautiously excited and start to relax just a little.

The rest of the day I tried to relax as much as possible, we spent the day with my family. I even squeezed in a nap. The bleeding stayed and the cramps increased and were mainly in my back and ute area and they were not pleasant. They left at certain points of the day but my back was very sore.

So I am cautiously excited. I hope so much that the bleeding and cramping is all normal IVF/Endometrin side effects.

I want to start off my being such a good Mom and providing this little embryo with a nice, thick, warm, happy environment for him or her to grow and thrive for the next 9 months. I want this little tiny embryo to know that I am holding out all hope for him or her to stay with me and to do whatever is necessary to me in order for him or her to be OK.

My betas will be drawn tomorrow, with the results getting back to me from the clinic most likely on Friday. I have everything crossed for a nice high number.

I love you, sweet tiny little Embryo. I love you very much and I will love you forever. Your dad and I are going to come up with a nickname for you and we will talk to you everyday until we get to see your perfect little face in 9 months. You get comfortable and you stay put. You give me everything you can and concentrate on growing and thriving and being healthy. Mama will take whatever you can throw at her with a smile as long as it means that I get to keep you.

This roller coaster can SUCK IT!!!!!

2010-12-26T06:03:00.000-08:00

Started more spotting yesterday evening.
I am going insane. Seriously.

Did a bit of research and found out that the Endometrin can cause vaginal bleeding because it irritates the cervix. Let's hope this is what is going on.

So far no cramps or full out bleeding but the spotting is enough to make me cry at a moment's notice. I hate this, I hate this so much. I am up one second and very down the next. I am worried, stressed, afraid to go to the bathroom because of what I might see. I am over-analyzing every little cramp or twinge or gas bubble.

If this was not Christmas time, my beta would have been drawn and resulted by now but I am stuck waiting to be drawn until the 29th and probably won't even have results until the 31st.

Now that I have realized that the spotting is common with Endometrin, I kind of wish that I had POAS today. But I am also petrified of that too.

This roller coasted can SUCK IT

My spot watch 2010

2010-12-25T05:04:00.000-08:00

Nothing more.

Just enough, that when paired with a BFN, to cause a major meltdown. It was barely even anything but I convinced myself it was the start of my period.

Here's hoping I was just being a drama queen.

No more

2010-12-24T03:57:00.000-08:00

The spotting stopped. It was just the once.

I spent all of last night crying and screaming and now my body is seriously screwing with me.

D is so hopeful still and positive that it breaks my heart. He had a flashlight out staring at the pee stick, which he swore he saw the slightest hint of a line. He doesn't deserve this life because of me. He would make such an amazing father and yet he fell in love with a broken woman.

Trying so hard to keep the false hope away, my heart can't take it anymore.

Numb

2010-12-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

I had some spotting today and my HPT was a Big FUCKING negative.

I am pretty sure we are out. I am pretty sure that we wasted 15,000 dollars for fuck all. I am pretty sure that I went through hell physically and emotionally for nothing.

Optimism and Superstition

2010-12-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

My ever adorable husband and his infinite wisdom and optimism and superstitions. I love him.

A while back (a couple of years) he kept telling me how he was repeatedly seeing the number 11 and it was starting to creep him out. Everytime he looked at the clock, it was 11 past the hour. If he was watching a hockey game and liked a player, he was number 11, cost of things he would pay for had the number 11 in it. He even started playing the lottery and choosing the number 11 thinking it was a sign.

I just shook my head.

Then the 11s evolved to 9/11. He started seeing this combination everywhere. All. the. time.

So last night he tells me that he has been thinking about how he would see the number 11 all the time. And I said 'yeah?' and he said, maybe the sign that I wasn't getting was that we were going to have our baby in 2011. Then he pointed out that he was also seeing 9/11 everywhere, to which he pointed out to me that my EDD would be Sept 1, 2011: The 9th month, the 2011th year 9/11 (this is how we put it in Canada.. I think that other places it is 11/9?)

Freaky and hopeful? Yes if you are superstitious. I thought it was interesting.

Then there was tonight. Tonight when DH went to pay for dinner he paid with his debit card. When the tip option came up, he chose to have the machine calculate it by percentage. He chose 15%, the machine calculated it. The tip amount? $9.11.

Now that is effing freaky.

Tomorrow is Thursday, I might POAS. Maybe.

Miserable me

2010-12-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

I am miserable.

This weekend I felt pretty good. My bloating went down significantly and I actually fit into my jeans. YAY.
Well, it was short lived. On Sunday I felt like crap, I was tired, my bloating came back with a vengeance, my back hurt, I felt icky and I was a bear.

My impatience has taken over and I just want an answer NOW. Pregnant or not. I want to know if I should embrace those "symptoms" with a wide smile or if I should want to hurl myself from the nearest roof top. Either way, I just want an answer. Because if I am feeling this way because I am pregnant then at least there is a reason and I know I will be so thrilled to have symptoms and side effects but as of now they are just there, annoying me.

There is no way that I will make it to my beta bloodwork. Absolutely no way. And let me explain why:

My bloodwork SHOULD be done on Dec 23-24 (by my own calculations) but since the clinic closes on Dec 23rd, they put my beta draw to be done on the next day that they open: Dec 29th. That's fine. The problem is that I do not live in the city where the clinic is so I will not be doing my bloodwork there. That's also fine. There are labs where I live.

Problem? The lab where I live does not do the Beta HCG tests in-house and they get shipped to a town an hour and a half away. They do ship them every afternoon at 1pm. This means that the results will most likely not be back and ready to be faxed on the 29th before the clinic closes at 4pm. So I would get my results the next day right? WRONG! The clinic is closed on the 30th. Because they are starting a new round of patients to be monitored, they are only open every 2nd day for those patients.

So the very earliest I would get my results is Dec 31. This is frustrating to say the least. Frustrating to the point that I cannot make it another 2 weeks before I have an answer.

So, I have 90% decided that I am going to POAS this week. I don't know if it will be Thursday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday but I will be peeing on something!

I don't know how it works with AF after doing an IVF cycle. I am due to get in on Wednesday but with all of the hormones and shit I have pumped through my body in the past 2 months, who knows what the hell is going on in there.

Thursday is 14 days past egg retrieval (aka 14DPO) so that would be the earliest I will test at home.

Can I just go to sleep and wake up where there is an answer? Kthanks.

Scrooge's Christmas post

2010-12-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

There will be no tree in my house for the 2nd year in a row.

There is really no point. Last year we were in Cuba and got home just in time for Christmas and since Cuba was our gift to each other there was really no point in putting a tree up so we didn't.

This year we are not doing gifts again because IVF cost too much. We don't buy gifts on my side of the family so we have 7 gifts wrapped and leaning against the wall. I don't feel like putting up a tree so we are skipping it again this year.

First of all, D is working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day from 7am-7pm. On Christmas Day I will be with my parents and sister volunteering serving a free Christmas lunch to those less fortunate and alone on Christmas. This lunch was started by my Pepere and I spent every Christmas as a kid doing this with him. I hadn't gone back since he died but we started again last year and I can't wait to do it again. Then we are having Christmas dinner at SIL's and on Boxing Day my other sister, BIL and nieces and nephew will be arriving and since the festivities will all be at my mom's house there is again, no point in putting up a tree in the house.

So there you have it. My Christmas decorations and tree were put back in their box in 2008 and have stayed there since.

While I am a Scrooge, I am very much looking forward to spending time with my family, playing games and there is a strong potential for a horse drawn sleigh ride!! Don't worry, I will post pics and you can all cringe at the amount of snow we have here.

I have a feeling that if IVF was successful, my Christmas attitude might change. Well, I will work on it.

Days 29 & 30 of 30 days

2010-12-15T07:07:00.000-08:00

Day 29 - A picture of what you were for Halloween.

I already whored this picture out but I loved my costume this year so I will do it again!
Dee as Rocky Balboa:

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

My cousin Patrick (Patt) who was taken from us much too soon.

And my Pepere. A man who I miss everyday. (seen here with my Memere and my nieces)

2010-12-13T06:20:00.000-08:00

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Well this post could go on forever. I am a chicken shit.

The dark:

Clowns. Thanks to Pennywise in It. FFS he is terrifying.

I was also going to add snakes and spiders to the list but just searching for google images made me too creeped out.

I miss my dog

2010-12-12T08:01:00.000-08:00

The countdown has begun until I get to go home. 2 more sleeps.

A lot of people don't understand the connection that someone has with their dog. My connection with Roxy is unreal. I truly believe that Roxy and I were meant to be from the second that I laid eyes on her.

How Roxy came into my life:

I was about 21 or 22 years old. I was just out of school and still living at home with my parents but was planning on moving out in a few months. My parents already had a dog, the family's Golden retriever, Riley. (seen here with Roxy)

I got word of a puppy being given away. She was a few months old and I didn't even see a picture of her, all I knew was that she was about 4 months old and was black and brown but suddenly I needed to have this dog. So I went home to talk to my parents about it. Since I was still under their roof for a few more months, I needed their OK to bring another dog in their house.

I begged. I pleaded. I even lied and told them that if I didn't take her, they were going to put her to sleep. I begged some more. I promised that she would be gone with me in just a few months. Finally, my dad gave in and they agreed.

So the next day I went to meet the dog, named Roxanne. The house was pretty shady. The lady came out and called out "Melissa...ROXANNE" My immediate thought was that Melissa was the daughter. Then suddenly a scraggly looking white dog came running towards the house. My immediate thought was that I did not want that dog. But then within seconds I spotted Roxanne. She was adorable. I knelt to the ground and she came running right into my arms.

The lady was stunned. "You are the 4th person to come and see her and so far she was afraid of everyone else and wouldn't even go near them"

From that moment, Roxy and I were meant to be. She picked me just as much as I picked her. Of course, I shortened her name from Roxanne to Roxy.

Since that day the longest I have been away from her has been a week, when I go on vacation. It is hard and I miss her so much while I am gone but our reunion when I return is wonderful.

I think about Roxy everyday. I miss her so much. I have been away from her for 2 weeks and 3 days so far and it is hard. Only 2 more days until I can hug her and snuggle her and kiss her. I cannot wait.

Day 27 of 30 Days

2010-12-12T06:28:00.000-08:00

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

How about a picture of my whole family? My sisters and I with my parents.

Day 26 of 30 Days

2010-12-11T06:03:00.000-08:00

Day 26 - A picture of you last year and now.

Last year (December in Cuba):

This year (last weekend at the hockey game):

Day 25 of 30 Days

2010-12-10T07:16:00.000-08:00

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

Since I am still quite tender, my day will mostly consist of me resting playing online and watching tv. Exciting, I know.

Day 24 of 30 Days

2010-12-10T07:12:00.000-08:00

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

This is too vague. Something I could change about myself? About the world?

I guess I will just choose. I would love to eliminate all of the hate in the world.

Egg retrieval done.

2010-12-09T08:58:00.000-08:00

This is just a copy and paste from what I posted on BOTB and T-TTC. I am too drugged and groggy to type something new.

Egg retrieval was today.
I am pretty dopey and loopy and groggy right now but I wanted to come and update.
The procedure was relatively fast but very painful. I was hoping the meds would knock me out but they did not. I even cried at one point from the pain then I got embarrassed about crying.
I am very crampy and in pain right now, just laying on the pull out couch in front of the tv, drifting in and out of conciousness.

And now for the big news. How many eggs did they retrieve?

::drumroll::

25.
25 eggs!!! Of course not all will be mature and not all will fertilize but what an amazing number

What to do with myself today?

2010-12-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

I have no meds to take, no injections to inject. I don't have to be at the clinic, no ultrasounds, no bloodwork, no meetings with the doctor or nurses.

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval. I took my trigger shot last night and the only thing on my IVF agenda today is to sit and stir. And I will sit and stir. I probably will have trouble sleeping tonight in anticipation for tomorrow.

We have to be at the clinic at 7:30 and the egg retrieval will be at 8:30.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Is this really happening?

Day 23 of 30 Days

2010-12-08T06:07:00.000-08:00

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

If I was home I would take a picture of my copy but since I am not at home here is a google image of my favorite book of all time. I love this book and read it once a year or so.

Day 22 of 30 Days

2010-12-07T15:33:00.000-08:00

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Singing. I am an awful singer. I always envy people who can sing. I always wish I had a nice singing voice. I am not shy by any means and would have no problem standing in front of a crowd belting out some tunes but alas, I keep my singing in the shower. (and on stage at the local watering hole on some drunken nights as seen in the picture above)

Day 21 of 30 Days

2010-12-06T11:20:00.000-08:00

Day 21 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

Well.... my husband.

An IVF Update

2010-12-05T06:47:00.000-08:00

For those who are keeping score and not following my Video Blog.

So I am still here in the city where the Fertility Center is. I am in week 2 of being here. I am quite homesick and I miss Roxy terribly. But we are rounding into the homestretch and I know why I am here so I am just trying to focus on staying positive and preparing for what is coming.

The side effects have all hit at once. Suddenly I am crampy, constipated, bloated, irritable beyond belief (D was here for 10 minutes and was annoying me already), bitchy, tender breasts, nauseous, dizzy, forgetful and confused. It's not that much fun to be honest LOL

We were supposed to trigger tonight with the ER to be on Tuesday but I am not quite there yet. Looks like it will be a Monday trigger and a Wednesday ER (it's only a 1-day bump)

So at some point today or tomorrow we are going to get our Christmas shopping done so that will be a task because D hates to be at the Mall and the shopping we are doing is all for his family. (we don't buy gifts on my side) Plus trying to stay on a very tight budget will be a challenge to say the least. I anticipate me experiencing some rage. LOL

Day 20 of 30 Days

2010-12-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Since I already put Africa in as the thing to do before I die, I will change the answer for this one. Africa is still #1 though.

Greece

Day 19 od 30 Days

2010-12-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

Day 19 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.

1- Letting Go - Sean Kingston feat Nicky Minaj
2- We R Who We R - Ke$ha (the spelling is Kesha's not mine)
3- I Love Myself Today - Bif Naked
4- BodyBounce - Kardinall Offishall
5- Angel - Akon feat Davd Guetta
6- Only Girl (in the world) - Rihanna
7- All or Nothing - Theory of a Deadman
8- Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z & Alicia Keys
9- Caught Up - Usher
10- Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi

Day 18 of 30 Days

2010-12-03T06:29:00.000-08:00

Day 18 - A picture of your favourite actress.

Not only do we share a birthday, but Julia Roberts is my favorite actress and has been for many many years.

Day 17 of 30 Days

2010-12-02T07:19:00.000-08:00

Day 17 - Nicknames you have.

So at the moment the only nickname I have is Dee.
Let's go over the nicknames I have had in my life.

As a kid my aunts and uncles called me 'Yan' and I hated it.

My pepere always referred to me as 'Mouche a Merde' (translation: Shit Fly) :) It is not as mean as it sounds, it's because I was always around and loved to be around him so he said I hung around like a shit fly.

As a pre-teen I was known as Beaner.

When my niece was born she couldn't pronounce my name properly so she called me 'Dan-uh'

I think that's about it.

The tough decision

2010-12-01T07:04:00.000-08:00

When D and I signed our consent forms for IVF, we signed that the maximum number of embryos we could transfer would be 2. I am very ok with that choice. I would never ever want to transfer more than 2.

But now we have to make the decision of "how many do we transfer?" 2 or 1.

It is a tough choice to make. If we transfer 2 and they both implant then we have twins. We are prepared for twins. It wouldn't be that horrible. It would be a blessing. The problem is that my OBGYN is an hour and a half away. And in the event of PTL or something, sometimes you don't have an hour and a half and that is terrifying.

On the other hand. Are we spending all of this money, time and am I going through all of this process to only transfer one and take our chances that if that one doesn't implant then we are done?

I have a lot stacked in my favor. My eggs are good and after yesterday I learned that I have a lot of them. My uterus is good, D has good sperm, I am young and healthy. we are lucky that the blocked tube is our only fertility problem (who ever thought I would refer to our Trouble TTC as 'lucky'??) but we are better off then a lot of couple who are dealing with 2 or more problems combined.

I am leaning more towards transferring just 1. If we make it to a 5 day transfer we will definitely only be doing 1. If we do a 3 day transfer I am torn over whether or not I want to do 1 or 2.

It's a tough choice. Once D gets here we will be having serious talks about this.

Of course there are a million more factors weighing on me on this topic.

Day 16 of 30 Days

2010-12-01T06:49:00.000-08:00

Day 16 - A picture of your favourite food.

Yummy, I love fried rice.

Day 15 of 30 Days

2010-11-30T07:10:00.000-08:00

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 14 of 30 Days

2010-11-29T06:50:00.000-08:00

Day 14 - A picture of the cast from your favourite TV show.

Well, I cannot pick just one. So I am bending the rules again

A quick update

2010-11-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

Because I have the video blog going, I don't write as much here.

Here is an IVF update:

I arrived on Thursday in the city for my IVF. Thankfully, my sister joined me for the weekend. She is gone now though and I am feeling pretty lonely and sad.

I went to the clinic on Friday, had bloodwork and picked up my Puregon. Later in the day the nurse called to tell me the bloodwork came back good and she adjusted my Lupron and told me I could start my Puregon that night. So I have been taking the Puregon along with the Lupron since Friday evening. The headaches have gotten worse, the Puregon burns after I give the shot and the forgetfulness is beginning and is frustrating. But it all needs to be done, I am not complaining just stating the facts.

I got back to the clinic on Tuesday for more bloodwork, a re-aquaintance with my boyfriend, the dildo cam, and a meeting with the doctor and nurse to see how everything is progressing and how my body is reacting to the medication.

I can't believe I am here. It's pretty unbelievable.