My summer vacation: Niagara Falls

Well I made it home!

Let's do a quick recap with pictures of my time in Niagara Falls!

Day 1:

- Hung out at the falls
- Ripley's Believe it or Not museum
- Guiness World Records museum
- Chickened out at Nightmares
- Rode the Skywheel (by the way I am insanely afraid of heights)
- Watched fireworks at the falls at night
-Lost some $$$ at the Casino

Day 2:

- Maid of the Mist
- Wax Museum
- IMAX theatre with Daredevil Gallery (displaying all of the stories and some of the contraptions people have used to go over the falls)
- D got a tattoo
- Casino

Day 3:

- Indoor skydiving
- Outlet mall shopping
- Casino while D had a nap
- Magic Show at night

I don't have any photos from the skydiving, only a video which I will post a link to later on when I get it uploaded and put on youtube. I was only able to take a pre-jump photo or 2.

Vacation: Day 1

Of course I will not be updating daily vacation updates but I wanted to post this.

So, as mentioned before I said that AF would be arriving on day 1 of the vacation (which she did) and I would be spending the evening with 2 pregnant ladies, one of which would be just about as far along as I should be.

I felt prepared, I felt ok and I felt meltdown free. I even bought little gifts for each of the mommies. So there was an abundance of baby and pregnancy talk but if I felt uncomfortable or sad I just stepped away for a minute and when I returned the conversation had moved on. Great. I decided not to drink too much since that would probably cause a meltdown so I had 2 drinks and then left it at that.

We had a nice dinner with some old friends, we enjoyed good conversation and a fire outside. It was nice. One of the guests was a friend's new girlfriend. This was my first time meeting her.

After 2 of the couples had left I decided that I was tired and excused myself to go to bed. There was only D, his best friend and his wife (15 weeks pregnant) and the friend and the new girlfriend left. D's best friend and his wife know all about our issues. The other guy does not, I am very private about that aspect of my life.

So when I am done washing my face and brushing my teeth and all of that bedtime stuff I step outside the bathroom and I can hear the conversation going on outside "You know," says the friend "My sister had a miscarriage...."
My heart sank. I had left the group for 5 minutes and already they were talking about me?!?! I wanted to run outside and scream at D for allowing that to happen but instead I decided to not come off as a crazy person so I sent him a text from inside the house asking why the fuck were they talking about miscarriages?!?!?

Turns out that D and his best friend were having a private (how private can you get around a table with 3 other people?) and best friend asked how we were doing and how I was. Well instead of staying in her own conversation the friend's new girlfriend was listening in and started asking very personal and inappropriate questions. (including: 'which one of you has the problem? you or her?' to which D replied 'It is both of our problem')

The pregnant wife was very upset at the line of questioning and knew that I would not be happy with the conversation so she put it to a halt as soon as she could. But from what she told me this morning the girl kept pressing on with questions about exactly what our problem was and what not. D said he was trying to stop the conversation and be as vague as possible but it just wasn't happening.

So that is great. Now this complete stranger who I really do not see our friend being with for the long term knows all about our fertility problems and my miscarriage.

I wish I would have gone upstairs and yelled at her, problem is that it would have been really dramatic and horrible and certainly not how I wanted to start my holidays. Plus they were drunk so how productive is a conversation with a girl who weighs 100 pounds who has had 12 beer?? Probably not a lot.

I am remaining excited about this vacation though and putting that whole scenario behind me as best as I can.

Niagara Falls tomorrow......

Obsession x3 (update included)

So not only am I obsessing over my chart, which ff decided to give me 5 free days of VIP so I can obsess even harder.
I am also obsessing over the fact that we were supposed to hear about that job yesterday morning and it is now 3:12pm and I haven't heard anything yet. I am anxious and nervous about that and going over every little detail of the interview in my head.

PLUS I am also obsessing about my upcoming trip and running through everything that I need to do in my head before we leave on Friday morning.

I am exhausted. I slept like shit last night and I just tried to have a nap but someone called, normally I would ignore but when I saw that it was a private caller I was hoping it was the hospital about the job. Nope, it was a fucking telemarketer wanting to conduct a survey.

So now I am awake and obsessing.

Oh and I am also trying to talk myself out of testing tomorrow morning.

Good times.

***********UPDATE***********

And here is where I express my raw emotions.

I didn't get the job. They said they had to go with seniority on this. My first thought was who has more seniority than me? Then I remembered hearing a rumor that a full timer had applied. Of course she has every right to apply but it just makes me so frustrated, you have a full time job, let the rest of us have a  chance. I am bitter.

So I cried. I cried because I was really hopeful about getting the job. I cried because I was tired and cranky and emotional. I cried because I felt so worthless. I went to school and got a diploma in radio broadcasting, after a few years in the field I realized that it was not the career for me so I took a course in Phlebotomy (drawing blood) I loved working in the lab. After working there for a while someone who was sick came back to work and I got bumped down to only being guaranteed a shift and a half every 2 weeks. Who can live on that? So I got the second job at the registration desk. Then I started working like crazy, 18 days in a row, 10 days in a row. It became too much and I had to choose the job that gave me the most hours. So I left the lab and I miss it all the time.

After working for a while I decided to get my BA and then go to Teacher's College. We figured out how to do things so that I could still study, work and have a baby because we were TTC. But then I got pregnant and things were tight and since the baby was the #1 priority I decided to quit/postpone school for a while until things were better financially. Then I lost the baby.

So, that is why I cried. I cried because I have a worthless diploma, a part time job that I don't like, and I quit school for a baby that I don't have.

I felt rejected and worthless.

::sigh::

I just have to try and believe that maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe a better job will come available for me. Maybe a job in the Lab, I hope the manager is still working on getting some extra help there.

And in job related news

I have an "informal meeting" today regarding the full time job that I applied for in a different department in the hospital.

The HR lady said 'I don't want to call it an interview, it's just an informal meeting with myself and the manager of the department'

As far as I know, I am the person with the highest seniority who applied for the job so my fingers are very tightly crossed. It would be amazing to have full time pay, no evenings, no weekends, holidays off. Paid vacation, sick time.

Stay tuned...

Chart obsession and exhaustion

The chart still looks decent. My temp went up this morning but I don't know how much to trust it. Yesterday and today I woke up around 4:30ish. Since my alarm was set for 5:50 I wouldn't be getting enough sleep so I took my temp then.

Today it was higher than yesterday, and then for some stupid reason I took it again when I woke up at 5:50. I used the earlier one in my chart but the 5:50 was .1 degree higher. Tomorrow I should be able to sleep until 6 and take the temp at the normal time so I am trying not to get too excited about the small rise.

I am currently in the middle of doing 9 straight days of work. Some of the shifts were only 4 hour shifts so that helps a little but I am utterly exhausted! Thankfully I only have 2 shifts left after today and they are both short, afternoon shifts so I will be able to catch up on some sleep tomorrow morning.

Absolutely nothing exciting happening here, I just continue to obsess over my chart (and I was doing so well!) and working. Counting down the days to Niagara Falls, in 1 week from today we will arrive there!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And now my hopes are UP UP UP

So here's the thing. In 1 week from today D & I leave for our little summer vacation. Our first stop is to visit friends of ours, when we arrive on Friday we are having a BBQ with other friends from the area. There will be us + 3 other married couples and another male friend with his new girlfriend. I am excited for this. Here is the problem though. One of the wives is pregnant and about as far along as I should be, the other is also pregnant and we just found out. Of course I am happy for them and that alone is not the problem... the problem is that I should be expecting my period that day. I always have a mini meltdown on the day my period arrives, it's just what I do. Throw in a couple of pregnant ladies and it makes for an interesting combo.

So, I have been spending my time trying to prep myself for the heartache that I will be feeling. I will have my meltdown in private I just don't want it all to come pouring out of my eyes after a glass or 7 of wine. You know?

So today, someone pointed out to me: Hey! Your chart looks just like your chart did when you were pregnant! Ugly with flat temperatures. Why yes... yes it does.

So... for the first time since I had my miscarriage I went and looked at my chart from my December 15th cycle. I stared at it feeling an empty place in my heart and then I noticed... the flat temp from that cycle is the same flat temp from this cycle. Now don't get me wrong, I have flat temps every cycles but the only time I have had 5+ is now and when I was pregnant.

FUCK! I don't want another disappointment. I am trying to be realistic because I know this means nothing but my hopes shot way up today and I feel like this will cause an epic meltdown.

Maybe while we are in Niagara Falls I will cry right into the falls and make them that much more mighty!

Christ, I am a Debbie Downer lately.

D & D Love Story: Wedding plans part 1

All of my posts here have been on the negative whiny side lately so I guess it's time for a somewhat happy post.

When D & I got engaged I was so very happy. I had been waiting for this day for a long time and was excited to start planning the wedding. At first I wanted a June wedding but for reasons I don't want to get into now we switched the date to November and planned for a year long engagement.

As we started the early planning I wanted to get as much done as possible so that I wasn't running around like made just before the wedding. One of the first things on my list was to get a guest list from our parents. This included addresses and names of immediate family members to be invited and also a short list of friends they would like to have invited as well. I told them that if I had to make cuts that their friends would most likely be the first to go but I wanted to give them the option of having their own guests at our wedding.

I knew that D's mom would have a big mouth about all of my choices and I could foresee a few arguments and fights in the upcoming months but I thought I would start by giving her the benefit of the doubt and not making it an issue before it actually was one.

So one night we were over at his parents' house for dinner and I asked his mom for her guest list. SHe had already started voicing a few of her own opinions about who we should invite and what we should do, nothing overly major but just making herself heard.  I had an appointment that evening to donate blood so I left to go do that. When I returned she was as sweet as pie and kept saying "whatever you 2 want to do" and "if you need anything at all from me just let me know" and "it is YOUR day"

Wow, I thought, let's hope she stays this way.

Then on our way home D informs me that he had a little chat with her while I was gone. She was going on about something that we should be doing and D said "Mom! This is mine and Dee's wedding. We are going to do things that are best for us! You already had your wedding and got to make your plans, now it is our turn. We only plan on doing this once so we plan to do it our way. You are already being pushy with your advice and we've only been engaged for a week. If we want your advice or your help, we will ask you."

And that's when I fell in love with him a little more. He anticipated her pushiness and stepped in and stopped it before it started in order to make the process a lot smoother for me!

But he's a sneaky one too. He got me right where he wanted me, all mushy and in love and then he asked me to have his sister as a bridesmaid (which I had not planned on doing).

This picture doesn't really go with the story but I think it was the same fall that he proposed.