Sadness

D's family has just lost another member. D's uncle Steve lost his battle on friday night. In May he had surgery to remove a tumor from his esophagous. The surgery was major and he had a tough battle in the hospital. He was finally able to go home and was home for a few days before he started bleeding profusely through his mouth and nose. They got him stabilized and ended up having to give him 10 units of blood to replenish what he was losing.

He was tranferred back to the hospital where he had his surgery. They looked for the source of the bleed but were not able to find anything. He had a minor heart attack while there but was fighting strong and was improving each day. The bleeding stopped and he even began to wake up and they were going to take his vent out to let him breathe on his own.

Friday morning the bleeding started again and he was not stable enough for them to operate or treat. He tried to fight but his heart was not strong enough and he just wasn't strong enough to pull through again.

My heart hurts for everyone. D and his uncle were very close. They are a close family to begin with and this uncle was one of the closest. His son and D are super close, he even stood in our wedding. It is heart breaking to lose someone else and heart breaking to lose Uncle Steve so young. He was one of the good ones and he will leave a big empty void in the family.

The next few days will consist of family time, food and saying goodbye to a great man. It's not fair and I just have a heard time understanding why these bad things happen. I know there is no explanation but it's confusing how life and death works. Death does not discriminate.

It's a strange feeling

According to my chart I may have O'ed on CD 12. I am not positive about this but my temp and CM were consistent with this. It just seems really early but you never know.

If that is the case then there is still hope for me but seeing as today is CD 15 it is very likely that I have not ovulated yet and that I will ovulate soon.

So what is the problem? The problem is that I had sex on CD11 (this is great for a CD12 O date) but I have not had sex since and I will not be having sex all weekend.

What the hell are you thinking Dee? This is your fertile window, you should be humping like bunnies! Well, D and I got in that huge fight. Then we did not see much fo each other for a 2 days and I was still mad at him. We finally had a talk last night and while I told him that I would move on from it, that he still hurt me and it would take me a while to get over that.

Ok, so you made up...get busy woman! The problem there is that we went out to watch fireworks with friends last night for Canada Day and didn't get home until late and since I had to get up for work this morning I chose sleep over sex.

What about the weekend? D is leaving this morning and I will join him later at the cottage. We are hosting a bunch of friends there which means no privacy and shared bedrooms in a small cottage. There is the possibility of leaving to go park somewhere for sex but I highly doubt seeing that happen. And to be completely honest with you, D knows that we are missing this fertile time and he is making no effort to rearrange his plans for this.

So, it is a weird feeling. We have been TTC for so long that it is weird to think that there will probably be absolutely  no chance for pregnancy this time around. Not that there ever seems to be much chance for that anyway, it's just strange. I might even stop taking my temp but I would like to know if I did O or not, though the drinking at the cottage this weekend will not help my temp anyway.

My plan was for a quickie after work before we headed to the cottage but he is so hell bent on leaving early because he is antsy and can't wait (RIDICULOUS) that I know if I ask him to wait and he shows any sign of resistance that I am going to break down and get upset at him because I am the one who makes all of the sacrifices and efforts in our TTC journey.

::big sigh:: I am a fucking emotional mess.

I am taking control

Sorry about all of the Debbie Downer posts. But I blog how I feel.

Yesterday was bad. I started thinking about all of the time that has passed and how I am just putting my trust in a doctor that used to care for me. Turns out that a few of the OBs in that town have left and leaving him with too many patients.

I need to see an RE, plain and simple. I need to stop dicking around with this and get some real help from a fertility specialist. Here is what has been stopping me all of this time:

• The closest fertility clinic/RE to me is a minimum of 5 hours away. So I can expect a 5-7 hour drive to see one.
• I am doing much research to find out how much OHIP(ontario health care) covers for IF treatments and appointments
• D's benefits don't cover any fertility treatments what so ever
• I got pregnant naturally 1 time and I worry that I will be laughed out of the RE's office. 

::sigh:: Today is a holiday, HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!! and tomorrow I have to work but I will be taking my breaks and calling around to get a referral to an RE and also to get my file transferred there.
I have a sick feeling about all of this.

Anger at SIL + one husband in the dog house

I wish I could accurately describe my SIL. I could try but it is one of those things where you have to know her to get it. Her and I have butt heads on several different occasions. D gets very upset when this happens because he and his sister are close and he hates when there is tension between his wife and his sister. And in all of that he defends her, he sticks up for her and he takes her side. She can bash me and say what she wants about me and he tries to ignore it so as to not cause a fight. But the second that she upsets me and I tell him about it he will jump to her defense. This not only makes me insanely angry but it hurts. Then in the end I end up being the bigger person and apologizing or looking the other way and I do this for him. It's BULLSHIT!

So the other night SIL was complaining about her partner at work (let's call her W). They either love each other or hate each other and I guess they currently hate each other. So she was going on talking about W and how she  is such a big gossip and knows everything about everyone and blah blah blah. Then SIL says this to me: "She asks the dumbest most random questions to me like Do you go to the cottage every weekend? Do you parents go with you every time? Why doesn't these people have babies? Are those people going to start trying to have a baby? Oh and how are Dee and D doing?"

Immediately my back is up against the wall. Wait, why is she asking how we are doing? Why did you put that part in while you are talking about babies? How the FUCK does she know about us, whether it is my miscarriage or our trouble TTC? I wanted to ask all of these questions but mainly I wanted to strt crying. Because we were at MIL's and both our niece and nephew were there I did not want to cause a big scene and I knew that I would be emotionally charged and probably curse and scream and cry.

So when we got home I said to D. 'Listen, I would like you to ask your sister about this.(I explained what was said) just tell her that I was caught off guard by something she said. I know that you don't like us fighting so I am giving you the opportunity to ask her if she told W about this. And if she did then I know that everyone knows about it and I am not happy!!! I like to keep that stuff private and if she is going around telling people then I expect you to get upset because I will be very fucking upset! If you don't want to have this conversation with her then that is fine, I will do it but I am telling you, it is not going to end well"

So he said he would talk to her.

I really really like to keep this aspect of my life very private and if I choose to tell someone it is MY choice and MY story to tell.

Yesterday I asked him if he had talked to her yet. He said that he hadn't. So I said again "I will talk to her if you don't want to" to which he replied "BACK OFF!"


I lost it.

During the whole ordeal D has been amazing, he has held me numerous times while I cried, he has let me vent and he has been very supportive about it all. Then suddenly with 2 words I felt defeated, heart broken and totally alone. With those 2 words I felt that he did not take my feelings seriously, he was taking his sister's side again and he was also telling me that he didn't care.

I screamed at him. I have yet to forgive him no matter how many times he says sorry. I told him exactly how he made me feel by saying that and that I am extremely upset.

I cried before I went to sleep last night because I did feel all alone. He always reassured me that our trouble TTC was BOTH of our problem and not just mine (even though his reproductive system is perfect) and with 2 words I just felt so low and so sad and like I am alone on this journey. I am the one going for many appointments, getting procedures and surgeries, temping, checking CM, charting, obsessing. I feel alone.

::sigh::

Amazing news (not mine) + a doctor's appointment update

I have a lot to say in this blog post!! I will start with amazing news.

3 AMAZING women from the message board that I post on are pregnant. All 3 of these women have been to hell and back and I could not be happier for them. I wish and hope for them and these pregnancies, they deserve this happiness so much and I am don't even have words to express how elated I am for each of them!

Also, I got an email from one of my IRL friends announcing her pregnancy today! When I last saw her in May she was saying how she and her husband were going to see a fertility specialist, little did she know she was pregnant at the time. I am so excited for her as well.

Normally 4 pregnancy announcements in a short time might send me into a deep depression but this time I could not be more happy! YAY!!!!


Now onto my doctor's appointment from yesterday. It wasn't great but it wasn't devastating either. I will start with the waiting room. I am usually 1 of 2 women who are not pregnant in the waiting room. Not yesterday, I was the only one with broken lady bits. Everyone was hugely pregnant and I had to sit there surrounded by bellies that I so desperately wanted and couldn't help but think that my belly should look like that too.  Then there was the pregnant teen and her bf who were sitting beside me. He was complaining about how long the wait was and she was rubbing his back and kissing him and apologizing  for the wait time. This guy was a supreme douche nozzle! When they came out of the appointment she was waiting at the desk to make a next appointment and he said "Ugh, let's go!" to which she replied "I just have to make an appointment" then he said "I have been waiting an hour and a half! I am not waiting another 10 minutes!!!" My face hurt from giving him the stink eye, I swear! He also proceeded to pace around and then take a huge handfull of her ass and squeeze right in front of everyone. Oh, and he was wearing a tshirt that said "It's not me...It's you" KLASSY DUDE!

Onward to my appointment. Dr. R came in and reviewed my surgery with me and gave me more specific information. His original words post surgery were "your right tube is a mess" That mess was that the scar tissue from my appendectomy and bowel resection had fused my tube to the ovary to each other and twisted it all up into something that may have resembled a half chewed piece of gum. He was able to untwist and unfuse a little and created a teeny tiny opening in the tube. He is very certain that the tube will go back to how it was if it hasn't already. (I have been having weird cramps on the right side lately and I wonder if it is the tube twisting itself back up)

So because of the tiny opening that (may) be on the right side now he is very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy on that side. (Well fuck!) He weighed out all of the options and did a lot of thinking out loud. Then he made the decision for me to "relax for the summer and not think about things" (I wanted to reach across the desk and strangle him for uttering those words to me) and then if I am not pregnant by September then I can start the Clomid.

So, not really what I wanted to hear and not really what I was hoping for (I was hoping for him to wave a magic wand and tell me I was pregnant) but at least there is a solid plan now. Summer will fly by as it always does and if I am not pregnant by September then I will have to decide if I want to start the Clomid or not (by then I will have been TTC for 21 cycles + be 2 months away from 3 years of unprotected sex)

Why September though?? Why on the month where I am supposed to be due? When I will be an emotional basket case.

I have more to say about my lovely SIL (sarcasm) but I will wait until there is more info on that story. I will say that I had a dream that I screamed at her and we got in a huge fight so I have this hatred brewing inside of me, D is supposed to talk to her about it. Stay tuned....

Post Laparoscopy appointment

I see Dr. R on Monday for my post-op appointment. He told me to hold off on taking Clomid until I see him again after my laparoscopy. I am very anxious and curious to see what he is going to say now that he knows exactly what is messed up in my ute.

Part of me kind of wished that he had just taken the right tube out. If it was that big of a mess then what the hell good is it doing staying in there?

Because of the massive disappointment that I had at the last appointment with him, I am trying to not think about what might happen and just go in and listen to what he has to say. I really hope that his resident is not there, I blame that whole fiasco on her being there. Not on her specifically because she has never seen me before and doesn't know my history. But just the way things were running in the office that day. I was not there for a regular pap test appointment and that is how they treated it. I was there to discuss my infertility and trouble TTC and what our plan was. She didn't look far enough back in my chart to get a proper history and because he sent her in first I don't think he even glanced at my chart, only the information that she took.

I have decided that if he gives me the green light I will take the Clomid. I will not be getting all of the bloodwork and ultrasounds with it unless there is a problem. I have thought long and hard about this and I have done the research and I feel comfortable with this decision. The presciption has been mocking me since I got it in May and I think as long as Dr. R is comfortable with it then July will be my first Clomid cycle. It is a scary choice but I am reaady to take the next step in this whole journey.

Stay tuned....

Taking a dump at work

Yes, I am now blogging about taking a shit. If you don't like it, don't read it! LOL

I used to have some serious pooping issues. I would never take a crap anywhere but home, this caused for a lot of rushed trips home and also caused a lot of constipation and really backed things up.

One day I decided that pooping is healthy, everyone does it and I should just go when I have to go. Since then my bowels have thanked me.

I still get embarrassed about the whole thing though.

Well I thought I had it all figured out. I chose a washroom at work that had several stalls so that the stink couldn't be blamed on me. And it was also out of the way enough so that it wasn't close to my department and nobody would notice me sneaking out.

Well for the past 2 days there has been someone else in there and I got all tense and didn't have a nice feel good poop! This is annoying and frustrating.

I am all bloated and uncomfortable, I haven't felt like this in a while and I can't imagine that I used to feel like this daily.

The End.