Yes people, it is time for another edition of AT THE DESK. Today's story comes to you from around the corner of the desk and could be called FROM THE LOBBY.
The other day I was sitting, reading my book during my break when 2 young mothers wheel their strollers over to the seats near me. It is 2pm (remember this part it is important).
*The italicized word will symbolize my thoughts of what I am witnessing
The mothers are eating cheesies and chatting. The one baby in the stroller is reaching her arms out for a cheesie. Mother of the year hands her one and says "Yeah, I guess you would be hungry since I haven't fed you since this morning" Um, it's 2pm and this poor toddler has only had breakfast and now she is having cheesies for lunch? FFS
I am trying to ignore these people because frankly I want to steal their babies and take proper care of them and their presence alone is heart breaking to me because why do these young single girls get babies and I don't?
So the toddler begins to squirm and wiggle and whine because she wants out of her stroller. Then when the mother undoes the safety straps the kid says "SHIT!"
The mother laughs and then proceeds to say this to her friend "I don't know why she says that! I never say that, I only say the F-word. I have no idea where she picked up the S-word because I seriously never say it, I say the F-word all of the time but never the S-word. Weird eh? Did you hear her just say it when I undid her straps?"
At this point it was time for me to go back to work. Gladly.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Before I hit rock bottom
I know, I know my blog posts have been a whine fest. If I have even 1 reader left I would be shocked. But I find it easy to release my emotions and my feelings here. So if you still follow me please stick around and just choose to ignore my Debbie Downer posts when I have them.
The way I have been feeling lately has not been good. I have been in a self pity, quiet, sad and depressed state. I felt bad talking to D about it because I was worried about what he would think of me for feeling so selfish, I am not that kind of person. Plus sometimes when I am sad or upset I shut down. I have gotten better in recent years but as a defense mechanism when I am sad I shut down and keep to myself. It's not good but it's the way I was raised. You are sad? Suck it up and move on!
I couldn't take it anymore. D noticed that I had been quiet and withdrawn and I am sure he figured out why. So I decided that I needed to talk. So I let him read my blog post about why I am so upset. Things are catching up to me.
He informed me that he had a feeling that is why I was upset then he said "you know, when L told you she was pregnant and I heard you scream (from joy) through the open window, I knew what it must be and my heart sank too"
This was the first time that D has ever expressed his feelings about our fertility issues to me. I knew it must bother him but he has always just been my rock. Been there to hold me while I cried, been there to listen to me vent, tell me it will be OK, drive me to all of my appointments. He is a great man and he loves me so much.
I asked why he didn't tell me how he felt and he said that he didn't want me to think poorly of him. Then he said "exactly why you probably didn't want to tell me"
Then of course I started to cry. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed. It's a tricky thing to be in a situation where you have fertility issues. D has no problems in that area, he actually has "a lot of sperm" and they are healthy and good swimmers. I am the problem. I know it is not my fault, I know there is nothing I did to end up like this. But it is a hard thing to know that the problem lies with you. I worry that I will never be able to give D a child. I told him that "if it wasn't for me you coudl have 20 babies by now!" and beign the amazing man that he is he replied with "I don't want 1 baby unless it is with you"
::sigh::
An amazing woman that I met on BOTB and who is now my facebook friend shared this link. It is an article that describes what an infertile couple deals with and why they choose to be secretive about it. The article spoke to me so much. I often wonder where I fit in. I hate to call myself "infertile" because we were able to get pregnant on our own. And I do have a good cycle and 1 good tube. You will notice that I mostly use the term "trouble TTC" or "infertility issues" This article help me to realize that I am not alone in the way I feel. Sometimes I have thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person but it is nice to know that I am not a complete monster and I am not the only one who feels that way.
If you are interested, here is the link. It is a long article but well worth the read if you deal with IF or if you have ever wondered what it is like.
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility
Thank you to my dear, brave friend who chose to speak out about her infertility and share this link. B, you are incredibly brave and strong even though you probably don't feel like it every day. I look to you as an inspiration. I still choose to keep our struggle hidden and it's people like you who motivate me to get even an inch closer to coming clean.
The way I have been feeling lately has not been good. I have been in a self pity, quiet, sad and depressed state. I felt bad talking to D about it because I was worried about what he would think of me for feeling so selfish, I am not that kind of person. Plus sometimes when I am sad or upset I shut down. I have gotten better in recent years but as a defense mechanism when I am sad I shut down and keep to myself. It's not good but it's the way I was raised. You are sad? Suck it up and move on!
I couldn't take it anymore. D noticed that I had been quiet and withdrawn and I am sure he figured out why. So I decided that I needed to talk. So I let him read my blog post about why I am so upset. Things are catching up to me.
He informed me that he had a feeling that is why I was upset then he said "you know, when L told you she was pregnant and I heard you scream (from joy) through the open window, I knew what it must be and my heart sank too"
This was the first time that D has ever expressed his feelings about our fertility issues to me. I knew it must bother him but he has always just been my rock. Been there to hold me while I cried, been there to listen to me vent, tell me it will be OK, drive me to all of my appointments. He is a great man and he loves me so much.
I asked why he didn't tell me how he felt and he said that he didn't want me to think poorly of him. Then he said "exactly why you probably didn't want to tell me"
Then of course I started to cry. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed. It's a tricky thing to be in a situation where you have fertility issues. D has no problems in that area, he actually has "a lot of sperm" and they are healthy and good swimmers. I am the problem. I know it is not my fault, I know there is nothing I did to end up like this. But it is a hard thing to know that the problem lies with you. I worry that I will never be able to give D a child. I told him that "if it wasn't for me you coudl have 20 babies by now!" and beign the amazing man that he is he replied with "I don't want 1 baby unless it is with you"
::sigh::
An amazing woman that I met on BOTB and who is now my facebook friend shared this link. It is an article that describes what an infertile couple deals with and why they choose to be secretive about it. The article spoke to me so much. I often wonder where I fit in. I hate to call myself "infertile" because we were able to get pregnant on our own. And I do have a good cycle and 1 good tube. You will notice that I mostly use the term "trouble TTC" or "infertility issues" This article help me to realize that I am not alone in the way I feel. Sometimes I have thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person but it is nice to know that I am not a complete monster and I am not the only one who feels that way.
If you are interested, here is the link. It is a long article but well worth the read if you deal with IF or if you have ever wondered what it is like.
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility
Thank you to my dear, brave friend who chose to speak out about her infertility and share this link. B, you are incredibly brave and strong even though you probably don't feel like it every day. I look to you as an inspiration. I still choose to keep our struggle hidden and it's people like you who motivate me to get even an inch closer to coming clean.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Buckin is pregnant!
And the only way I could be happier was if I was pregnant too!
This woman has struggled with losses and IF and I marvel at her strength and her willingness to take things one day at a time and to stay positive and hopeful in the face of everything negative that has happened to her.
Buckin, you are an inspiration to me as a woman with fertility challenges and I couldn't be happier for you!!!!!
Her blog: Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers
This woman has struggled with losses and IF and I marvel at her strength and her willingness to take things one day at a time and to stay positive and hopeful in the face of everything negative that has happened to her.
Buckin, you are an inspiration to me as a woman with fertility challenges and I couldn't be happier for you!!!!!
Her blog: Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Finding the silver lining
This funk that I am in just needs to stop! I need to pull myself out of it, see the silver lining and look forward. Things just keep happening to push me down deeper though and I am trying to claw my way back.
Most people would tell me to get the hell off of the baby boards and focus on things IRL. Truth is even though I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with babies online, it is easier to talk to them than people IRL. Most of those women can relate to me and if they can't personally relate, they know someone who has struggled. I don't have anyone IRL like that. Yes, my BFF dealt with a loss so we really leaned on each other through all of that but none of them get IF or T-TTC.
Yesterday my silver lining was knowing that I still had 2 more cycles before seeing the RE that we could TTC and hope for a miracle. But then we found out that D will most likely be OOT for my fertile window (I didn't tell him that, I support this trip he is going on and I don't want him to feel guilty about it) He is flying to Alberta to drive back to Ontario with his cousin who will be moving home.
New silver lining? 1 more cycle before the RE. We are busy in August so the RE appointment will get here sooner. If I don't have sex during my fertile window then I can't get upset when AF shows up.
Those are sorry silver linings but it's what I have to hold on to right now.
Also, I think I have diagnosed myself. Remember when I had my HSG and it took the doctor forever (20 minutes is forever in digging-in-my-vagina time) to get through my cervix due to scarring from my LEEP in 2008? I have decided that that is the problem. D's sperm, while they are many and strong, cannot get through the steel wall that my cervix has built in protest after being cut, scraped and maimed. I can't believe I never thought of that before. It is making this all the more clear to me to prepare myself to the thought of an IUI. What do you think of that thought???
A picture is worth a thousand words, right?
Most people would tell me to get the hell off of the baby boards and focus on things IRL. Truth is even though I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with babies online, it is easier to talk to them than people IRL. Most of those women can relate to me and if they can't personally relate, they know someone who has struggled. I don't have anyone IRL like that. Yes, my BFF dealt with a loss so we really leaned on each other through all of that but none of them get IF or T-TTC.
Yesterday my silver lining was knowing that I still had 2 more cycles before seeing the RE that we could TTC and hope for a miracle. But then we found out that D will most likely be OOT for my fertile window (I didn't tell him that, I support this trip he is going on and I don't want him to feel guilty about it) He is flying to Alberta to drive back to Ontario with his cousin who will be moving home.
New silver lining? 1 more cycle before the RE. We are busy in August so the RE appointment will get here sooner. If I don't have sex during my fertile window then I can't get upset when AF shows up.
Those are sorry silver linings but it's what I have to hold on to right now.
Also, I think I have diagnosed myself. Remember when I had my HSG and it took the doctor forever (20 minutes is forever in digging-in-my-vagina time) to get through my cervix due to scarring from my LEEP in 2008? I have decided that that is the problem. D's sperm, while they are many and strong, cannot get through the steel wall that my cervix has built in protest after being cut, scraped and maimed. I can't believe I never thought of that before. It is making this all the more clear to me to prepare myself to the thought of an IUI. What do you think of that thought???
A picture is worth a thousand words, right?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
This makes me happy!
A while back my sister and BIL decided to let my niece have a facebook account. She is 10 and while that is probably a little young for being on facebook, they have very specific rules including she is not allowed to accept one friend without consulting with them first and they also have 100% access to her account. Plus they monitor the time she spends online anyway.
This worked out for me because that means that her and I can chat online every now and again. Today was one of those days. She asked me if I was working tomorrow and I said yes, why? She said her dad was heading here to do some business stuff and if I was off she was going to come with him to spend some time with me. YAY!
So I told her to come and I would take the day off. (I was able to switch some things around at work) Then I talked with my sister and arranged for my nephew to come too! I am so excited about this. I usually make the trip to visit them about once a month but things have been crazy and I haven't seen them since May 28th and I am NOT ok with that and who knows when I will be able to see them again.
They will only be here for a very very quick visit but I will take any time that I get with them.
I am so excited. They are 10 and 7.
Sadly, my sister and other niece are both working and won't be able to make the quick trip but I will take what I can get.
This worked out for me because that means that her and I can chat online every now and again. Today was one of those days. She asked me if I was working tomorrow and I said yes, why? She said her dad was heading here to do some business stuff and if I was off she was going to come with him to spend some time with me. YAY!
So I told her to come and I would take the day off. (I was able to switch some things around at work) Then I talked with my sister and arranged for my nephew to come too! I am so excited about this. I usually make the trip to visit them about once a month but things have been crazy and I haven't seen them since May 28th and I am NOT ok with that and who knows when I will be able to see them again.
They will only be here for a very very quick visit but I will take any time that I get with them.
I am so excited. They are 10 and 7.
Here is Hailey with D when we were in Cuba
And a picture of Matthew by himself (also from Cuba)
Sadly, my sister and other niece are both working and won't be able to make the quick trip but I will take what I can get.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I have never drank my feelings.....until last night
Yesterday my best friend told me she is pregnant.
I am over the moon happy for them. They are keeping it very very quiet right now because they also experienced a loss but we are very close and I would have been able to tell something was up so she told us. She was scared to tell me because she knows that there is that moment of "happy for you but sad for myself" but I didn't have that sad for myself moment until later(I will get to that). They deserve this baby and I hope that this is their sticky baby. She will be having an early ultrasound and I hope hope hope hope there is a nice solid heartbeat so that she can relax and start to enjoy this pregnancy.
So last night we went out. I did not want to go out, I wanted to stay home and relax and not be hungover today. But against my better judgment I decided to go and have a good time. I played beer pong and drank a lot. I got very very drunk. Good thing I am a happy drunk because that could have got very emotionally messy.
As I was getting ready my emotions hit me. I have 2 best friends. I have a third close friend who I don't get to see as often because she is doing her Med school residency and has a crazy schedule. The first best friend and I started to TTC around the same time. She had a baby in September. The 2nd best friend is the one who told me about her pregnancy yesterday. And the third friend is also expecting. D's best friend and his wife (also another close friend) are expecting as well.
Don't get me wrong. I am over the moon happy and excited for all of my friends, they deserve all of the happiness and I am excited to have new nieces and nephews. I am genuinely very happy for them.
But then I look at myself and wonder what I did wrong to deserve this fate. I feel like I am being left behind and I worry that if this doesn't happen for me then I am going to drift away from my closest friends because our lives will be in different places. My friendships are important to me and I am so afraid of losing these wonderful people in my life all because my stupid body doesn't function properly.
I feel like a horrible person for acting this selfish. It really has nothing to do with any unhappiness towards my friends and their amazing news. I just wonder why me. And that is a horrible way to be but when you want something so badly and you see everyone else getting it, you tend to wonder why it isn't happening for you.
Is it September 1st yet?
I am over the moon happy for them. They are keeping it very very quiet right now because they also experienced a loss but we are very close and I would have been able to tell something was up so she told us. She was scared to tell me because she knows that there is that moment of "happy for you but sad for myself" but I didn't have that sad for myself moment until later(I will get to that). They deserve this baby and I hope that this is their sticky baby. She will be having an early ultrasound and I hope hope hope hope there is a nice solid heartbeat so that she can relax and start to enjoy this pregnancy.
So last night we went out. I did not want to go out, I wanted to stay home and relax and not be hungover today. But against my better judgment I decided to go and have a good time. I played beer pong and drank a lot. I got very very drunk. Good thing I am a happy drunk because that could have got very emotionally messy.
As I was getting ready my emotions hit me. I have 2 best friends. I have a third close friend who I don't get to see as often because she is doing her Med school residency and has a crazy schedule. The first best friend and I started to TTC around the same time. She had a baby in September. The 2nd best friend is the one who told me about her pregnancy yesterday. And the third friend is also expecting. D's best friend and his wife (also another close friend) are expecting as well.
Don't get me wrong. I am over the moon happy and excited for all of my friends, they deserve all of the happiness and I am excited to have new nieces and nephews. I am genuinely very happy for them.
But then I look at myself and wonder what I did wrong to deserve this fate. I feel like I am being left behind and I worry that if this doesn't happen for me then I am going to drift away from my closest friends because our lives will be in different places. My friendships are important to me and I am so afraid of losing these wonderful people in my life all because my stupid body doesn't function properly.
I feel like a horrible person for acting this selfish. It really has nothing to do with any unhappiness towards my friends and their amazing news. I just wonder why me. And that is a horrible way to be but when you want something so badly and you see everyone else getting it, you tend to wonder why it isn't happening for you.
Is it September 1st yet?
Friday, July 16, 2010
The appointment is booked!
When I thought "I will feel better when I know when my appointment is" I was wrong. I feel more nervous now but the wheels are moving and I am happy for that.
So when I found out that my referral went out to a certain clinic I went online and found all of the doctors that worked there and then looked them up online to see what kind of reviews they each got.
Some of the doctors were listed as OBGYNs with a specialty in fertility, some were listed as Endocrinologists. The reviews were mixed for the most part. Then I came to review Dr. L. He was listed as an RE and all of his reviews were great!! I immediately hoped that I would be referred to him.
I made the decision to wait until Friday (the referral was sent on Monday) and if I hadn't heard from them then I would call. So I called this morning and left a message on the voicemail.
When we got home from doing groceries I checked the messaged and heard: "Hello Dee, this is Linda from Dr. L's office........" I almost did a kartwheel I was so frigin excited!!! I got the doctor that I wanted. That has to be a good omen right???
When I got a hold of her again she scheduled the appointment for September 1st at 9am. And she scheduled it as a teleconference so I don't have to travel the 6-7 hours for the appointment and can do it right at our hospital.
I am not trying to patiently wait for September 1st. Thankfully summer always flies by!!
So when I found out that my referral went out to a certain clinic I went online and found all of the doctors that worked there and then looked them up online to see what kind of reviews they each got.
Some of the doctors were listed as OBGYNs with a specialty in fertility, some were listed as Endocrinologists. The reviews were mixed for the most part. Then I came to review Dr. L. He was listed as an RE and all of his reviews were great!! I immediately hoped that I would be referred to him.
I made the decision to wait until Friday (the referral was sent on Monday) and if I hadn't heard from them then I would call. So I called this morning and left a message on the voicemail.
When we got home from doing groceries I checked the messaged and heard: "Hello Dee, this is Linda from Dr. L's office........" I almost did a kartwheel I was so frigin excited!!! I got the doctor that I wanted. That has to be a good omen right???
When I got a hold of her again she scheduled the appointment for September 1st at 9am. And she scheduled it as a teleconference so I don't have to travel the 6-7 hours for the appointment and can do it right at our hospital.
I am not trying to patiently wait for September 1st. Thankfully summer always flies by!!
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