Did you book yet??

Daily people ask me if we've booked our holiday yet. I say no. I get pleasure out of this too.

The first time we went on a hot trip it was our first time and we went with friends so we booked well in advance with a travel agent. The next time was our honeymoon and I had enough going on with the wedding plans that I let the travel agent take care of it for me.
The next time, I went away with my sisters and my mom and my sister set it all up with a travel agent for the 4 of us.
Then there was Las Vegas and that was for a friend's wedding which D and I were both standing in so we booked pretty early. Then it was my sister's wedding and we booked with the group for the wedding.
I kept saying "Next time we will book according to a good deal and do it last minute"

So this time, it is what we are doing. I check daily at what kinds of deals are happening and we are waiting to book. Could be Cuba, could be the Dominican Republic, could be Jamaica... who knows?

It's exciting. All I know is that in 1 month from now I will be laying on a beach somewhere in deep relaxation mode.

I am looking forward to it.

Baby steps

More and more I find myself thinking about the FET and also planning a future with a pregnancy and a baby.

I have always pictured myself pregnant or with a baby. You look ahead at events and periods of time and think "I could be pregnant or I could have a baby then" but as we all know, I have yet to experience this. After the most recent miscarriage I put those thoughts out of my mind. And I knew that once they returned I would feel ready to try again. Well the thoughts are back and we are going to move forward with our tentative plan.

This morning I took a PNV, this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone but me but it is a huge step. I stopped taking my daily PNV the second I realized that my pregnancy was not healthy and that I was miscarrying and since then the bottle sits there, mocking me. Today, I took one and plan to continue taking them.
I called my RE and requested an appointment to go over the FET procedure. I will be doing a "Natural cycle" which means no meds-HORRAY!!! So I will first do a 'mock cycle' to determine when I ovulate and then the following cycle I will travel again to the RE's office and I will be monitored daily and once ovulation has occured they will wait 5 days and do the FET. Our big decisions now are how many to thaw and how many to transfer. We have 4. Not every embryo survives the thawing so it could be very difficult. But we will cross that bridge if we come to it.

Did I mention that my period started today? So the plan goes as follows:

APRIL - Vacation
MAY - Mock cycle
JUNE - FET

Here we go again......................................................................

A few things

It is tax time. So today I took a stab at filing our taxes. The program that I used was super easy and I was able to file online. We were able to claim IVF, this is good and probably the reason why we are getting such a good return (about 2800) but going through all of those receipts stung but I made it through.

The money will go to 3 possible things: Our trip in april, our credit card or for the FET when we decide to do it.


D is playing in a hockey tournament this weekend so I will be spending some time watching hockey, my kind of weekend ;)


My best friend is pregnant. I am the only one who knows. I am so very happy for them, they have suffered 2 losses and I am just so hopeful that this is the sticky baby that they want and deserve so badly.


Tonight at my dad's house he told me about someone who had a baby. I said 'oh yeah' and he said "yeah he is dating so-and-so" and I just blurted out "Yes, dad, I know. Everyone is super fertile, that's great!" Then he said "sorry, I was just telling you" and I said "Well don't. I don't care."    I have never ever been that vocal about my pain with anyone else other than D. I felt a bit bad for acting that way but at the same time I don't care.


Hmm, what else? I think that's about all I wanted to say.

Game Night funnies

We had game night over at a friend's house last night. I love playing games so I was super excited.

The game we played for the larger portion of the night was Loaded Questions: Adult Version. I laughed so hard I cried and almost peed myself several times. So I thought I'd share some of the funny answers from last night. The game goes that someone reads a question and everyone writes down an answer, then the person who read the question reads everyone's answers out loud and people take their turns guessing who wrote what answer. We were also drinking and being very immature.

Q- Finish this poem Roses are red, violets are blue...

Some answers: "my testicles are itchy, can you scratch them?"  we roared at this cause of course it doesn't rhyme.  "Did a dog shit in your mouth? Cause it smells like poo"

Q- Name a tv mom that turns you on

Answers: "Roseanne" (this was answered by 3 different people-LOL), "Marge Simpson" and "Lois Griffin"

Q- If Hugh Hefner and Sesame Street colaborated on a project what would it be called?

Answers: "Bert and Ernie do Big Bird" "Miss Piggy Takes Big Bird" "Suck-a-me Street"

Q- Name something that should only be done in private

A- (this one got my vote for answer of the night) "Masturbate to the Sears Catalog"


Game night is fun.

"I am ready when you are"

I married a wonderful man. I may get pissed at him from time to time and he may aggravate me to the point of tears but all in all, I could not have been paired with a better man to be on this journey with.

Today we had a little chat. I told him I was sorry for being such a shitty wife. (we have not had sex since before the egg retrieval-in DECEMBER) He said there was no need for apologies and "I am ready when you are ready. I am a patient person" I said that he must be getting frustrated and he said he isn't (I am sure he was lying) when I repeated it a few times he said "I think I was frustrated at first but now I understand it more." I told him that I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to cheat on me (I added "I would never forgive you and I would leave you but I wouldn't be surprised) He said NEVER and I know he is being truthful.

We also talked about the FET and he again said "I am ready for that whenever you are." He said that he wants it to work out so bad but he is scared of the roller coaster we went through with IVF again. Of course he is, we both are.

I am very fortunate to have such an amazing husband. IF is not an easy thing to deal with and it takes a big toll on your marriage, I am one of the lucky ones who found a real partner to go through it all with, especially when the IF issues lie within my body.

I got my tattoo

If you recall I was pondering the idea of getting a tattoo in remembrance of DJ and Petey. I came up with the idea of 1 forget-me-nots. Both of my EDDs were in September (2010 and 2011) and I found out that not only do forget-me-nots signify remembrance but they are also September's flower. Perfectly fitting.

My criteria was that it had to be in a spot that I could see without the use of a mirror or having to contort myself like some circus act and that it could be a place that I could hide easily.

My worry was that blue in tattoos often looks tacky or cheap and flowers can look horrendous too. So I was nervous and actually considered getting stars instead.

So without further ado, I present you my new tattoo. The floor is a bit dirty and the picture doesn't do the color justice and it looks better in person. I am also not sure why in the second picture the color looks so light and like a 2 year old colored it. LOL

A Saturday drive

So today I was scheduled to leave to go visit my sisters and niece and nephew and BIL. So I did.
I drove to a town an hour away and when I stopped for gas I heard that there was a highway closure just ahead up the road.

Should I wait it out or should I go back home?

The weather forecast wasn't looking great and my dad informed me that once they did reopen I would be stuck in long lines of traffic anyway including a lot of transport trucks. So I came home.

I will try again bright and early tomorrow morning because my nephew wants me to make it to his 11am hockey game and it's a 3.5 hour drive. Looks like no sleeping in for Dee this weekend.

Better safe than sorry.

Improvement or masking the heartache?

I have found myself thinking more and more about the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Up until recently, I couldn't even think about it, not even a little. I knew what my options were but I just couldn't face it until I let myself heal. I looked at the future and thought about a childless and non-pregnant existance, which was different for me. For as long as I can remember I have always looked at my future in terms of the possibility of being pregnant or having a child. Many dates, events and milestones have come and gone where I thought "I will be pregnant there or I will have a baby then" but at each one of those events and dates I have had an empty ute, empty arms and an empty heart.

So after IVF and the second miscarriage, I looked at my future as a childless person. I tried to fill that massive hole with material things and distractions. I said I was "doing things for me" like taking guitar lessons, playing volleyball, planning a vacation with D, training for a half marathon. And we thought, if I am ready we will look into starting the FET natural cycle process in May with the transfer happening in my June cycle. But as those dates approach I am thinking more about it. Am I ready? or Am I trying to mask my ongoing sadness and heartache? I am not sure.

Part of me thinks that it is a step that I am thinking about moving forward but that same part of me is terrified. When we made the decision to do IVF I somehow got it in my  head that this would bea sure thing for us. I knew the statistics, I knew the chances. But I told myself that I didn't fall into those categories. Afterall, I have a normal and regular cycle, I ovulate perfectly on my own, I am young and healthy, D's sperm is marvelous and our only obstacle is my blocked right tube. It wouldn't be an issue,my problem is that the eggs can't get to where they need to be to meet the sperm. Since my left side rarely ovulated (only about 10% of the time) this was a pretty sure fire option for us. There was a wall blocking us from conceiving and IVF was the door being installed in the middle of this wall and once the door was open, our problems woul dbe solved. Obviously, I got a very rude awakening. And through that rude awakening I felt absolutely shattered. I am broken, my body does not work as it should, as a woman's body is designed to work and that was a hard pill to swallow.

So now, thinking about doing the FET I am afraid. Can I handle another heartbreak? What if the embryos don't survive the thawing? Do we push the enveloppe and transfer more than 1 this time? We have 2 good quality ones and 2 not great but still decent quality ones. Do I take my chances with those?

I know 1 thing for sure, I will never do a full IVF cycle again. But as the rest of the questions surface, I will remain confused, afraid, worried and always questioning. Always.

If I wasn't sure before

I sure know now. My body hates me. AF likes to mess with me and ruin my life.

So D and I are planning a tropical vacation away. Away from home, work, life and hopefully away from all of the stress and worry. We need this.

But since I started my new job I do not get many holidays (about 6-8 days for the whole year) we planned it so that I would only have to take 4 days off instead of 5-6. It also worked out perfectly with my cycle. If everything went according to plan, I would be just finishing my period when we arrived and the last few days are barely anything so it would be perfect. I got my period on holidays once and it was horrible, I will never do it again.

So because I am bitter and broken I have not been paying much attention to my period. I try and remember CD1 and that's about it so I didn't notice when this period was late.

I did some new calculations and since the stupid bitch decided to be 5 days freaking late this time, my period will probably fall right smack dab in the middle of our planned vacation. WHORE! So I am waiting to see what happens for March's cycle and hopefully we can resume according to plan.