Good weekend, nervous about tomorrow

With the hockey tournament and our house becoming party central, it was generally a good weekend. I got no studying done until last night and completely bombed my exam today. I am very glad to be finished with those 2 courses and it is time to move on to the next 3.

My HSG is tomorrow and I am extremely nervous and afraid of what the answers will be but at least we will have that: answers. Then we will be able to choose what our next step will be and move from there, it's a pretty scary thing to think about, I am trying to stay calm though.

Felt like I took a bullet though after this happened to me today:

I am standing in line to buy a card and there is a woman in front of me with a baby in a cart. The baby leans over looks past his mother points and me smiles and says "MAMA!" I almost started to cry, then he kept saying hi to me, he was super cute.
So they pay and as they are walking away he is reaching at me and crying and his mom is like "say bye bye" and he just continues to fuss and whine while reaching in my direction and staring at me.
Then as I am paying a pregnant teenager pushing a stroller comes walking by and not 5 minutes later another woman who is with her teenage daughter who is pushing a stroller with twins in it. 
Since I live in a small town and work in the hospital I know that these girls are not babysitting, I have seen them before.

Life is not fair

A weekend of hockey and beer

Well my husband and I are both playing hockey this weekend in a 4 on 4 tournament. ON top of the hockey we also party like maniacs and have a really good time. Should be interesting...

I have a fantastic husband

My husband has been so great through all of my mood swings and crying fits in the past couple of weeks. He is dealing with my stress so much better than I am. Yesterday I called him from work to see if he could make me a sandwich for lunch since I only get a half hour and wanted it ready when I rushed home for lunch. When I got home soup and a sandwich was on the table waiting for me then he drove me back to work.

After work he surprised me with flowers that he bought to cheer me up and he NEVER buys flowers and he also made me a delicious dinner of Tortelinni in blush sauce with salad and garlic bread and he didn't even expect to get lucky. He did the dishes and then got read for his night shift.

I am a lucky girl to have such an understanding and sweet husband.

Working more

One of the things about workign part time is the unreliable work hours. I was supposed to be off this week, which worke dout because I would have been able to study but I got a call yesterday asking if I wanted to work in another department at the hospital for a couple of weeks. This makes me happy because it is full time days and no evenings or weekends. PERFECT!! My studying is taking a back seat but that's ok because I can't seem to concentrate on anything other than my upcoming HSG test anyway.

Cried myself to sleep last night thinking and worrying about the results, I wish I could just get out of my own head or even take mine and everyone else's advice to just relax until I get some answers and that worrying isn't helping anything. It's all true but I can't help but worry and stress about it.

Countdown to Cuba: 18 more sleeps!

Friday was a bad day

Friday was cycle day 1 and as hard as I tried not to I was really hoping for a positive pregnancy test instead of having to book my HSG. Shit happens.

So I got a call this morning and my HSG is booked for December 1st. I don't know how I am going to stay sane for the next week. Deep breath.... deep breath

I also have 2 exams to write before then and my mind can't seem to concentrate on anything else other than the test and the different results and scenarios.

The weekend was alright, I worked all day on Saturday which I hate but gotta make money right? Then on Saturday we went over to our friends place to watch the UFC fight and celebrate said friend's birthday. The fight was good, it was cool because Tito Ortiz came out of retirement to fight so there was all of that hype.

I have to work today and then I am off until Sunday, the joys of being a part time employee...it works though because I can concentrate on studying this week.  I am anxious to get these courses done and out of the way and then I can start on the next 3.

Called the doctor's office today

Well it's official, I am on the list to get my HSG to see if I have blocked fallopian tubes. I was foolishly hoping that I would get a positive pregnancy test instead and be able to say "My tubes are not blocked because I got pregnant!" but sadly, that is not the case. So the office will call next week with the date which I asked for it to be December 1st because I have an exam to write the day before. How much stress can I throw at myself?

Weekend plans: Going over to friends of ours on Saturday night to have a couple of drinks and watch the UFC fights, Tito Ortiz is coming out of retirement and everyone is all excited. I am not that into the fights but I will watch them and enjoy the company of my friends. I haven't decided if I am going to drink yet, I am supposed to work on Sunday morning (not until 11) but I think a co-worker wants to switch and have me work on Saturday instead of Sunday, which would be fine.

And I am going to try and study at some point in there because I have one exam coming up on Thursday and the other on the following monday. I am so excited to be done with these 2 courses and move on to the next 3. My focus is remaining on our Cuba trip, it is coming close and I am excited for a much needed holiday.

"Big" weekend coming up

My husband plays in this hockey tournament in a couple of weekends and he is so excited about it. Last year we partied like rock stars and the guys played hockey and everyone had a blast! This year I expect nothing less and it should be a lot of fun again, plus it's pretty good hockey to watch!

Should be a fun time!

I am not really sharing this blog

I have a link to it posted in my signature for a couple of message boards I am on but other than that I am not really sharing it. I don't even think anyone has read it, which is really fine with me, it just makes me feel better to be able to get my thoughts down and I have a hard time keeping a journal.

My Cuba trip is getting closer and closer and I am getting more and more excited. I might even start packing soon, as risiculous as that sounds it makes a bit of sense because it is November so I am obviously not wearing my summer clothes right now!

Ok, enough is enough, I am ready for some good news!

Our best friends had their ultrasound yesterday and they were not able to see a heartbeat. She was sent for an HCG which wont be ready until tomorrow and was told she just had to be patient. The unknown absolutely killing her, which it would be killing me too! She has a tilted uterus and I have read that due to this it could be hard to see the heartbeat without a vaginal ultrasound, the fact that they did not do one right then and there makes me want to march down there and scream at someone. We live in Canada so it is not an insurance or benefits issue.

All of my fingers and toes and arms and legs and eyes are crossed for them, how is the world so cruel and unfair that crack heads and child molesters are able to conceive healthy, beautiful children with no problems and good, healthy people who would be amazing parents go through all these problems? Riddle me that!?

My mother in law's birthday is today, we are hosting dinner here at our house since we are both off, she requested lasagna, which is perfect for me because it is easy to make! We bought her a few shirts and a pair of PJs, she is so busy spoiling her grandkids that she never buys things for herself so I wanted to get her something that was just for HER.

I am THAT person?!?!

I am completely ashamed and appalled at myself. I learned yesterday that my cousin is pregnant and while I am happy for her and her finace, I felt my heart sink into my stomach when I heard the news. This will be their 3rd child, and they are great parents and their 2 boys are so cute but I actually felt jealous for a bit. What is wrong with me?? I have become THAT person, jealousy is a terrible quality and I am disgusted with myself.

On another note, the sperm analysis went swimmingly (pun intended). Apparently DH has some really good swimmers, so the problem is definitely me. While it is good news that we both don't have obstacles, it still makes me feel bad that it is me. I am the one who is stopping him from being able to reproduce. This is a terrible feeling and while I am usually an upbeat and happy person I find that this whole process is bringing me down and that this blog has so far been nothing but me whining and bitching.

So lets get on with some happy news! My sister is getting married in 1 month from today!! We will be in Cuba and I am so excited!! I am so happy for my sister that she finally found someone to make her happy and to marry, she has had her fair share of assholes and now she is getting married in just 1 month. We fly out to Cuba on the 12th of December and her wedding is on the 16th! I am insanely excited!!  Here's a little preview of the resort I am going to:

HOLY SHIT I AM EXCITED!!!!!!

Not what I was expecting

I had my regular meeting with my OBGYN on Tuesday (which was also my 2 year anniversary). Because we have been TTC for 12 cycles it was time to start the process to finding out why no baby yet.

This is what I WAS expecting: He would order a sperm analysis on DH and maybe some bloodwork for me.

This is what actually happened: He took a history of DH and I, and then he informed me that a bowel resection that I had done 14 years ago could have cause scar tissue to block my fallopian tubes. WHAT??? That is possible? Apparently so. So he explains 2 procedures to me, 1 is to put me under and do a laporascopic surgery by inserting a little camera and some dye in through my belly button to check the tubes. The second option is to do the procedure vaginally inteh xray department. He decided on the latter which is called HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) because the other procedure is kind of going in blind and he didn't know how much scar tissue I may have. So the Xray procedure it is, he will shoot dye and watch on the Xray screen to see if it goes through the tubes or not, if not then they are blocked. If they are blocked that means that nothing can get in or out of the tubes, no sperm entering and no egg exiting. He also ordered the SA for DH.

I was devastated to hear this news, 1.5 hours away from home and all by myself. I have dreamed my whole life about having a baby and just like that you realize that there could be something wrong. Something that might not be fixable. I am trying to hold my head up high and stay positive until we know for sure what is going on.