D & D Love Story: Buying a home

I believe the last post was about our first vacation to Cuba.

So the next step is when we bought our first house (which we still live in).

We decided that living in the tiny house was great but things were getting crowded and we were ready to own. The timing was not great because the Cuba trip was planned but we decided it could take a while to find a place and it couldn't hurt to start looking. So we got in touch with a realtor and started looking at homes. Too big, too small, dump, messy, ugly, needs too much work.

One day at work I get a call from the realtor, he says "Listen, a house just went on the market last night and I would like to show it to you and D."


Wonderful. SO we went to look that afternoon. As soon as we opened the door a wonderful aroma hit us in the face. You could tell that this was a clean home. Not a home that was cleaned because it was for sale but a home that was always clean.


We instantly fell in love with the openess of the upstairs. Problem? The ceiling in the basement was a bit low and it didn't have the big rec room that we wanted. But there was a nice backyard that led only to bush and had a nice big garage. PLus the neighborhood was a very nice neighborhood.


We decided to put in an offer. They counter offered us within our price range and we accepted! We decided to make the closing date for 2 months after we returned from Cuba.


Finally the day came for us to move in. It was so exciting, we had lots of help from our family and friends and we got all of our things moved in pretty quickly.

Since we have moved in we have done many renovations that make the house more our style and more like a home to us. We redid the basement to make the rec room that we always wanted, we put new siding up, we redid our bedroom, we built new cupboard doors for the kitchen and most recently we redid the bathroom downstairs.

I am not sure if this is our forever home but I do know that we have made tons of memories here and I love that my first owned home was with D.

A new blog segment

 Funny shit happens to me at work every day. Funny, frustrating, and down right strange things happen all the time at a hospital. When you sit at a registration desk, a lot of that stuff happens to you.

So I introduce to you: Today at the desk

Today (actually it was yesterday but I just came up with the idea today so we will pretend) at the desk, a mom and her 16 year old daughter came to register. We will call the daughter B.

B (to mother): I wish I could get a job here.

Mother: You need an education to get a job

B (now to me): Do you need an education to work here (all condescending like)?

Me: Yes. And you need to be able to speak french, do you speak french?

B: No.

Me: Have you had a cough or shortness of breath in the past 7 days?

B: Well like I think I am getting sick

Me: Are you coughing?

B: Yes

Me: If you are coughing in the hospital you need to be wearing a mask

B (to mother): Fuck, I should have lied. (back to me) It's a smoker's cough.

Me: ***eyeroll***

At this point another 16 year old walks by with her baby ( I had registered them earlier). We will call this other teen M.

B: Hey M! Is this your baby? It's cute!

M: She's a girl

B: Is it sleeping? Does it cry a lot?

M: She's pretty good

B (ripping soother out of baby's mouth): Will it cry if I do this?

M begins to walk away.

B: Aww, it was cute. I want one!


And cue the part of the day where I force myself to remain seated and not jump over the counter to slap a patient.

THE END

A blog that touched my heart

An absolutely amazing woman that I met via a message board posted this. It is Infertility Awareness week and even though so many women are afraid to come out of the IF closet, I want to share a blog entry that she made.

Her strength gives me strength.

CLICK HERE TO READ HER POST

To her and all of the other amazing ladies who struggle with the overpowering desire to have a child of their own and the overwhleming pain of having to struggle for that very gift. You all remain in my heart, my thoughts and to quote her:

"All my love to all my girls and I pray that 2011 will be a wonderful birth year for our little ones." -Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers Blog

Stress

Some people lose weight when they are stressed. For the amount that I have been stressing out lately I should weight about 25 lbs total.

I am stressing about a variety of things and only 25% of it is TTC related. The rest is a combination of financial, worrying about other people, work (or lack of), and other regular life stress.

I am ready to settle down.

Let the anxiety set in

I am feeling anxious. I see my doctor again in 1 week. His plan is to start Clomid. I have been doing research. I am worried about a few things. I am trying to just be patient and wait to see what he has to say but my anxiety acts up when I think about it.

I never imagined I would ever be on this path, I guess nobody does. I always pictures myself with kids, I will be an excellent mother. I figured that since everyone in my family is super fertile then I would be too. It's funny to think about how dumb and naive I was about TTC before we started. I guess there is a reason why I never accidentally got pregnant in high school or college.

Trying to stay positive, patient and hopeful.

D and I deserve to have a child.

It is done!!!

The bathroom renovations are finally finished!!! We still have 2 minor things to do (drain for the sink had to be ordered and the trim. But I took pictures to share anyway. It was a long and frustrating road but I am very happy with the finished product.

BEFORE:

AFTER!!!!

I am having a hard time this month

So the BFN came on Monday.

The period started today. Very light but still there.

Last night I cried in D's arms for a while. TOnight I sit here alone crying. (D is on nights)

Yesterday D and I babysat out 1 year old niece for a little bit. I sat on the couch watching him with her and my heart broke into a million pieces. I have always known that he would be an amazing dad and I see him interact with the kids all the time. But yesterday it just really hit me like a ton of bricks. He deserves to be a dad. He deserves to be with a woman who can give him children.

Instead, the poor bastard feel in love with me. A broken woman. It hurts. It rips my heart into a million pieces.

I see my doctor on May 3rd. He plans to start me on Clomid. But if he can't monitor me properly then I will choose not to take it, then where does that leave me? The nearest RE to me is a 7 hour drive away. That is just not something feasible for us. We already travel to see my OB (who also deals with all of the area's high risk pregnancies and has some other specialties but I don't think RE is on his list of credentials)

I hate this. I hate being broken. I hate that D is stuck with me. He is too good of a man to ever leave me but I fear so much that he resents me or that he will resent me. He loves me, he loves me unconditionally and he constantly is my rock and comforts me and consoles me. He tells me that as long as he has me he will be happy but that can't be right. It's a completely different thing when you know that YOU are the problem. He says it is OUR problem not just mine but when you know medically that the reason you are not getting pregnant is you, things are different.


My heart hurts.

Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy!

This is the week!!!

I will be posting pictures of the COMPLETED bathroom! That's right, we will have a completed bathroom.

The tiles look awesome and he figured it will be ready to go and functional by Wednesday. WOOT WOOT. Then the floor, toilet and cabinets and sink will go in and we will be done!

The cabinets were delivered yesterday and they are amazing!!!! We got the custom built and I am very very much in love with them! The bill was a little more than we expected but what can you do? We will have the bathroom that we want.

I am so excited to show it off, the bathroom will be the nicest room in our house.

You booze, you lose

Well I was torn.

My 2 best friends and I planned a girls night out for last night. My one BFF was really looking forward to it because she lives out of town for now and she recently had a baby so we haven't been able to all get together and have a good girls night out in a while.

So I was torn. First because I knew I had to work today and secondly because I am so close to my "test day" but after some lovely ladies reminded me that even if I was pregnant you don't share anything until 6 weeks. Plus it is most likely too early yo tell on a test anyway so drink til it's pink. My plan was to have a few but not get falling on my ass drunk.

Well the BFF who was hosting us decided to buy a bunch of different boozes, get some recipes for martinis and off we went. Martinis and shooters.

It was a lot of fun but today I am feeling like a big bag of shit. Of course, it is self inflicted and I have noone to blame but myself but still I am going to whine about it. LOL

So remember kids...you booze, you lose!

A bad start to a good day

Today should be a good day. I have plans to go out with my friends tonight and the tile guy is making amazing progress in the bathroom. But I am overly emotional from probably PMS and I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat.

My emotional roller coaster began yesterday. My 2 sisters took my niece shopping for her prom dress. I live out of town so I am constantly missing things with my nieces and nephew. This was no different, it brok my heart that I was missing this. The evening came and nobody called to tell me how things went, I have been overlooked my whole life so this didn't really surprise me.
Then I talked to my niece on facebook and I asked. Yes, she did find a dress. I immediately started crying. They took no pictures so not only did I miss this but I am also left in the dark about the whole thing. It is selfish of me to feel this way because it is not about me but I am so sad and so sick of missing big events in their lives.

Then this morning I had an uncomfortable conversation with one of my best friends. We are both TTC. SHe got pregnant after about 3 months TTC and had an m/c. They discovered no heartbeat on the ultrasound and she had to get a D&C. This was just before my pregnancy and miscarriage.
She knows everything about our trouble TTC, my 1 good tube, the miscarriage, everything.

So the topic of me starting Clomid came up and she told me she didn't think I should do it "so soon" and that I should wait until September since we have only been trying for 2 cycles since my miscarriage. I don't expect her to understand what it is like to have to struggle with TTC but she knows our situation. I feel very hurt by her advice.

She has no idea what it is like to have to worry about the possibility of never getting pregnant. She has no idea what it is like to TTC for 16 cycles without having a healthy pregnancy to show for it. I got pregnant on our 13th cycle. If it takes another 13 for me to get pregnant again I might go off the deep end. To those people who have been trying for years, I know that my 16 cycles seems like peanuts but it is not peanuts to me.

I am the kind of person who hates confrontation and rather than tell her that this hurt me I will just let it fester inside. I am a bullied teenager that way, I never speak my mind and end up getting trampled on in the process. I am trying not to let this bother me but why is she judging me for this? As my friend she should be supporting me in my decisions.

I am now not looking forward to tonight at all. If it gets brought up again, I may very well burst into tears and ruin the whole night.

I am an emotional mess.

Renovation update!

Well our April 9th finish date has come and is long gone now.

The tile guy is finally back in town and is here everyday until he is done! WOOOHOOOO He figures the whole thing should take 3-5 days. I told him he could come on the weekend if he wanted. I would be understanding if he wanted a day off though.

The other contractor is still annoying us to no end. Soon my dealings with him will be done and I can breathe a heavy sigh of relief. I am very much ready to give him a piece of my mind though and if our stuff is not finished by Monday I will lose my shit!!!!

The last thing we are really waiting on is the shower door, which SHOULD have been in last week or yesterday. Still no call. I might be making a trip down to that store today to knock some heads together.

So *hopefully* next week by this time I will be able to post some pictures! MAYBE

Had a mini meltdown last night

While I was watching Parenthood. If you have not tuned it yet, do so. I love it. It is on Tuesdays at 10 pm.

I started crying because I want to be a parent so bad. I want my teenager to hate me and ditch me for their friends. I want to have to balance work and a kid. I want to worry all the time about my child.

So I cried for a little while then went to bed.

I am so dramatic sometimes.

D & D Love story: our first vacation

Living together was going well, we were in love with our tiny little house and often had friends over for drinks and partying. We enjoyed being hosts (even though a lot of the time there was not a whole lot of room for more than 10 people).

We decided that we would like to take a "hot trip" together to the Caribbean. Neither D or I had ever been to a nice vacation like that and sadly, neither of us had ever been on a plane. D had been in little bush planes but nothing major. After doing some research we decided to go to Cuba. We put the invitation out to all of our friends, told them when we would be traveling and where we were going, if they wanted to come they were more than welcome to join us.

My days became occupied with checking out resorts and prices online. We decided since it was our first vacation and we wanted to be sure we were doing everything right that we would book with  a travel agent. So we decided on a resort and booked the trip. One of D's friends from college accepted our invite and he and his girlfriend would join us. They lived out of town and she was a relatively new girlfriend so I had never met her. The guy is a great guy and a ton of fun though so I had no worries. (that was a mistake)

Finally the day came for the holiday. We drove to Toronto and boarded our plane and we were off to Holguin, Cuba. We arrived at night and were exhausted from the trip so after a couple of drinks at one of the bars we decided to go to sleep. The following day we explored the massive resort. It was beautiful and unlike anything I had ever seen. I loved it instantly.

We spent our mornings on the beach and when it got too windy we would hit the swim up bar for the rest of the afternoon. Since the guys loved the water and I was more interested in taking the occasional dip btu mostly lounging on my beach chair with a drink and a book, I was stuck with D's friend's stick in the mud girlfriend who thought she was so much better than everyone else. We got along fine but she was just not "my type."

She clearly had him whipped beyond belief because if she needed to go to the washroom he had to walk her there, wait outside the door and then bring her back. If she forgot something in the room he had to go back with her. And if they were within reaching distance of each other they were holding hands which I found extremely annoying. I started to worry that maybe D and I weren't as in love as they were. They held hands for the entire plane ride, they held hands on the bus to the resort, if they were laying on beach chairs, they were holding hands, anywhere they walked they held hands (you get the point). D and I would just laugh because we are not really the constant hand holding type.

While we were there we decided to do a Catamaran/snorkelling trip that was super fun. We got picked up bright and early in the morning by a big coach bus. It was about 7:30 am and then the bus door swung open all we could hear was extremely loud music and this guy jumped out of the bus and was dancing like he was in a club and high on E. I knew then it would be a fun day and I ran to him and danced with him. D was embarrassed but I could care less... I was on vacation!

Snorkeling was amazing, we saw a baracuda and tons and tons of fish, I got to hold a starfish, we had a delicious lobster lunch at an ocean side restaurant and the catamaran was a party boat. It was an amazing day.

After that vacation we were hooked! And now we try to go as much as we can. I was glad that D and I were able to experience our first hot trip together.

This picture cracks me up at how young we look.

Last night I made a promise

This was a promise made to myself.

Every cycle I get my hopes way way up. And every time the bitch shows up I get so down on myself and am constantly saying "I should know better"

So this cycle, I am going to know better. Yes, I will privately obsess over my chart but I will do everything I can to keep that to a minimum. Yes, the timing was good this cycle but I will refuse to get excited until my period is late.

I will not over analyze every "symptom" that I get and I will remember all of the past cycles where I was NOT pregnant and got the exact same symptom.

I will look ahead to my appointment with my doc and keep doing my Clomid research as I fully expect to have him write me a prescription when I see him on May 3rd.

This is my vow. Wish me luck.

Heartbreak

Last night D and I got a call from his mom saying that one of his uncles had passed away suddenly.
We went over right away to be with him mom who was devastated.

I really wish I could do more or that there was something I could do or say to make things better. I know there is not.

My mother in law is part of a family of 14 siblings. Uncle G is the 5th to pass away and it never gets any easier on any of the siblings, all of them are very close. My heart breaks for them.

Some days are better than others

Today is not one of those days.

Yes, I had a fine day. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing to make me upset. But some days I just think more than others and I find myself sensitive to some things more than others. Lately I have been thinking a lot about how far along I would be had I not miscarried. I don't actually know the exact time line and I am glad about this. I put that out of my mind after I should have been 10 weeks.

Today is Easter which means that people are posting their Easter pictures on facebook. I found myself looking at pictures of kids who were babies when we started TTC or pictures of toddlers who were in utero when we started conceiving or better yet, pictures of toddlers who were not even conceived when we started TTC.

Our TTC journey has been a different one. I know many people take TTC breaks but we took a couple. We first started TTC in 2008 and took 2 short breaks(in total we were TTC for 5 cycles that year). Since our wedding in 2007 we have not used protection. We started officially TTC "with no more breaks" in April 2009. So I guess coming up on our 1 year of non-stop TTC is really bothering me as well.

15 cycles later (this is the number of cycles that we have been actuively TTC when you subtract from the number of months that were eaten up by the pregnancy and miscarriage) and still nothing to show for it except a few charts and a broken heart.

I have to remain hopeful that it will happen for us but my hope diminishes a little more with every missed cycle. I know I am meant to be a mother and I hope that someday this dream becomes a reality.

D & D's Love Story: Moving in together

After dating for only 6 months D and I decided we would like to move in together. We were both still living with our parents and we talked about the option of each getting our own separate apartments but we knew that we would end up spending all of our time at each other's places so it just made more sense to move in together. We were in love and both ready for this step.

EEEK! I had never lived with a guy who I was in a relationship with!! In College I lived with a guy friend and it was great. And for about 2 months I stayed with my boyfriend at his parents' house while we did our job placements but this was going to be the real deal!

We heard about this little war time house that was for rent. This would be perfect because we had Roxy and she would have a yard. The tiny little house was perfect. It was 2 stories (though the top was just 2 bedrooms with slanted ceilings (hated that), a tiny little kitchen, a tiny little bathroom and a tiny little living room that made D's big screen tv look like a theater screen.

We went out and bought a couch and chair, my parents bought us a used washer and dryer and D's parents gave us their fridge and stove and they bought themselves new ones. Everything else, we had. I had a lot of stuff pulled out from storage and we moved in at the end of May.

Our landlords were our neighbors and they were great! They loved Roxy so much and would even buy treats to give to her all the time.

We lived in that little house for a year before we bought the house that we currently live in. I have many many fond memories of that little house, it was where D and I started building a life together.