How to follow my new blog

Please make your way over to my new blog and follow it, if you like.

I had a question the other day asking me how to do this so I will give you an explanation if you use Blogger or if you use Wordpress. Beyond that, you will have to figure it out :P

BLOGGER USERS:

On your dashboard in blogger, right underneath your list of blogs you follow you will see 2 buttons. One says ADD and the other says MANAGE.
You are going to click on ADD.

Once you have clicked on ADD a screen with come up asking for the address of the blog you would like to follow.  This is where you will type in http://deesscenicroute.worpress.com

Badda Bing Badda Boom

WORDPRESS USERS:

Visit http://deesscenicroute.wordpress.com and you will click on subscribe in the top left/middle corner of the screen. 

Packing up and moving out.

That's right, readers. I am leaving.

TTC and Other Random Musings has moved to Wordpress. Not only do I have a new home over there but I also have a new name.

Please join me at Taking the Scenic Route.

For those who want to cut and paste into their reader or following section: http://deesscenicroute.wordpress.com/

I hope to see you over there.
xoxo

Feeling drunk and guilty, D's bitterness and more

I have been meaning to write this post for a few days but time has eluded me. So here it is.

I got drunk on Saturday. The wedding offered an open bar and I took advantage. My plan was to be starting the FET soon after so I was not going to drink. But the FET got postponed and I still had my period (the last very very light day) so I drank. And I got drunk. And I felt guilty afterwards. I have no need to feel guilty, I am not in treatment yet and I am about a month away from it so it is perfectly fine. I wasn't falling down drunk or anything, but I was feeling tipsy and in no pain. Hopefully it was the last HOORAH for a while.

D showed his first signs of bitterness this past weekend. D is patient, kind, loving and has been absolutely amazing throughout this who IF ordeal. I have a distant cousin who is young and immature. She recently had an OOPS baby. She smoked through her pregnancy and I am always giving her the side eye. Well she and her bf were at the wedding. He bf is apparently 19 or 20 but he honestly looks about 15 years old and I am not exagerating. Well once D found out that he was the baby daddy, he was giving him the bitter glare all night. And then at one point he said "HE LOOKS 13 AND HE IS A DAD??? UGH DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED"
It broke myheart quite a bit but also made me feel like less of a monster when I feel those bitter and jealous feelings towards other people.

Father's day was hard. But thankfully we spent the day travelling back home, just the 2 of us. I envisioned next year's Father's day and hoped that next year we (meaning me and BABY) will be making a nice breakfast for D. I have these dreams every year on key holidays and important days and then the next year rolls around and I have to hope once again for the next year. (Mother's day 2009 will be different...Easter 2010 we will have a little bunny of our own....Maybe I will be pregnant for the family reunion in 2011....Father's Day 2012 will be a great day)

Also, I start to pee on OPKs tomorrow for the 2nd mock cycle. Think good cycle thoughts for me.

40 Followers

It's official. I have 40 followers.

At one point in time 40 different people cared what I had to say. I am quite certain that 40 people don't read my blog all the time. I am quite certain that my early followers have probably given up on me by now. But that's OK. I feel special to have 40 followers.

So HEYYYYYYY to all my 40 followers.

A beautiful wedding

This weekend my cousin got married. Everything was beautiful and we all had a blast!!

She and her new husband are an amazing couple. they compliment each other so well and they are clearly very much in love.

I love weddings!!

D & I waiting for the limo to bring us to the venue. 

My dad and his 3 daughters. (my mom was not able to make it to the wedding)

The female cousins.  

The happy couple

Another one of D & I

Feeling better

As I knew would happen, my intial disappointment has dissipated. It is not completely gone, I still hate my body and cannot understand why there is always something. But I am hopeful and confident in the next mock cycle.

I know that it is better this way and I would rather have to do this mock over one more time and to postpone the FET one more month than to ever have to experience a loss again or even a failed cycle. If this is what needs to be done to make sure that my body is good and ready to carry a healthy pregnancy then bring it on. I will take all of this heartache, all of this pain if it's going to give us a better chance at expanding our family.

So, I am still disappointed and I am still upset but I am being a little more logical and coming to terms with the fact that it's what needs to be done. Dr.L is a smart and compassionate guy and I trust his decisions.

Also, I am going to ask for my progesterone to be drawn on day 7,8 and 9 after my LH surge. Normally they do it on Day 7 but it can be drawn anywhere from Day 7-9. And because my level was so close on Day 7 and then dropped on Day 9, I am going to request a draw each day for comparison.



We will get there.

FET postponed

I am so upset right now. Why does my body hate me so much?

My progesterone came back at 29 and they would like to see it over 30 so I was told to get it redrawn 2 days later. I did. The result came back at 10.
One more thing that my body can't do right. So Dr. L decided to postpone the FET and do another mock cycle.

In the grand scheme of things, this is for the best. We want to be 100% sure that everything is OK before moving forward with this but it's just another slap in the face. Another bump in the road and other other cliche you can think of. But mainly it fucking sucks.

It's just nature and I have nothing and no one to blame it on so I am blaming it on myself. On my body. This body that can't do anything right. I feel like such a failure as a woman and a wife. All of this for 1 stupid number. I will feel better and look at this from the positive angle soon but right now I am upset and I can't hold back the tears any longer. I just want to go to bed and pretend like today never happened.

Wake me up when the road gets smoother please?

A lovely surprise *sarcasm*

Yesterday I got home from work and I was petting Roxy, and my hand touched some kind of lump. It kind of felt like a big human mole. My first thought was that it was something stuck in her fur. Upon closer inspection by D and I, I was wrong.

It was a tick!!!!!!!! and it had been feasting on her for about 24 hours.

So we called the Vet and they said to bring her right away and they would remove it. So we hopped in the car and drove the 1/2 hour to the vet's office where they confirmed that it was a tick and they removed it. we probably could have done it ourselves but I wanted to be sure there was no part of it left in her and I also had questions.

So, we bought her some Revolution for fleas and ticks and got the following information. The ticks in my area don't carry Lyme disease- PHEW!! They are pretty bad this year, they have been getting at least 1 call a day from people finding ticks. They live in grassy, wooded areas. So she picked it up when we took her for a nice walk through the bush on Sunday.

Thankfully I found it and we avoided infection (so far). It was scary and I was worried about her becoming ill from the tick but thankfully all is good. My poor girl.

For those interested: the tick was pretty engorged and D described it perfectly. Like a big rotten (brown in color) popcorn kernel that is attached to the skin. If you attempt to remove it yourself, use tweezers or forceps, get it right at the head (where is it attached to the skin, as deep as possible and even maybe squeeze the skin to make sure you get it all)

Wonderful weekend

Ever since we got back from Mexico, I have been feeling very alone and neglected. I so like my alone time but I also like spending time with D. And just D. D, on the other hand, likes having people around. Don't get me wrong, having people around is also great but I do enjoy the alone time with my husband.

We got back from Mexico and it was like he had no interest in hanging out with me. He was off golfing, gone for fishing weekends, out with friends, breaking plans with me to do something else. Those kinds of things don't normally bother me but this time, it hurt. I was working my ass off at 3 jobs and just felt alone all the time when I was home. It was like he was purposely avoiding me.

Now keep in mind, I am under some stress and uber sensitive emotionally due to the FET. But I was feeling like I had to beg him to spend time with me and I refuse to do that. If he doesn't want to be around me then I don't want to force him. So once night I brought my feelings up and he apologized, saying that he was sorry I felt that way and it was certainly not the case.

So this weekend, I had a wonderful time with my husband. Friday evening we went out for dinner, just the 2 of us (normally he would invite someone else). Then we rented a couple of movies and parked out butts on the couch to watch them. On Saturday morning we slept in, our nephew came over for about an hour and a half to play and then D shipped him back home and we went out and had a bite to eat for lunch, ran some errands and did groceries. We came home and cleaned the house, puttered around and just spent some time together. We showered together, had sex, layed together and just spent time in each other's company.
Then on Saturday night, a few friends came over and we chatted, watched the hockey game, the baseball game and UFC fights. Everyone (except me and my pregnant friend) had a few drinks and then we went out to a bar. (the pregnant friend and her husband went home) D and I left the bar together at about 1:45 am (normally we leave separately). We came home and had a little snack together and then off to bed.

Sunday we woke up and chatted for a while and then he made me waffles, we sat outside and chatted some more and then decided to head out to my parents camp to visit for the afternoon. While we were there we went for a nice walk in the bush with the dogs (Roxy and my parents' dog, Mika) we held hands, chatted, laughed. It was nice.  Later, we walked down to the beach together and threw a frisbee a couple of times. We had dinner with my parents and then headed back home.

I am not a demanding person, I don't need fancy romantic evenings and expensive gifts. I just need to feel like I am wanted and that he wants me around. This weekend was perfect. He took notice of me and we also enjoyed the company of others too.

I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.

2 years ago

I am ovulating. 2 years ago this information would have sent me into a planned sex frenzy.

But today? I got my positive OPK. I called the fertility clinic and left the following message:
"Hello, my name is (say and spell name here) I am a patient of Dr. L's. I am currently doing my mock cycle for my frozen embryo transfer. I just got a positive ovulation test so I am now in need of my schedule for blood work and ultrasound. Also, please fax my requisitions to (insert fax number here). I can be reached on my cell phone today where you may also leave a message at (insert number here)."

Funny how things change.

So now I am on to step 2 and step 3 of the mock cycle. On Thursday I get an ultrasound to check my endometrial lining followed by a blood test to check my progesterone level on June 7th. If I pass those tests then we are full steam ahead for the FET.

I am impatient for these things to happen and then when they do I get all nervous and jittery. By my calculations I think I will be heading to the city where the clinic is around June 24th (which coincidentally I am also booked for a pap test with my gynie)

Meds or Stress?

When I did IVF I was told numerous times about how moody I would be from the meds. I was teased, D was teased that I was going to be some irrational freak of nature due to the meds I was pumping into my body.

I wasn't that bad. Near the end I was bitchier than normal and I got annoyed very easily but for the 2 months that I was taking different hormones, I would say I made it through pretty good.

This time around for the FET I am med free, which I am very happy about. But I must say I am more emotional than the first time around. I am moody, cranky, tired, stressed, emotional and weepy. Every thing that D does hurts my feelings. I am thinking constantly about the 40 million different scenarios that could come out of this. Maybe it's because I have been through the devastation of it being unsuccessful or maybe I am just regularly stressed and anxious.

So is it the meds that make you moody or is it the stress? Maybe a lovely combo of the 2.



On to phase 2 of the FET Mock cycle: On Saturday I will start taking OPKs.

My Fertility Clinic

Well clearly it is not mine, I do not own it. But it's the one I chose and the one I go to. So, I shall call it MINE.

It's a nice place. Yes,  I hated it over the holidays when I was at home stirring and bleeding and spotting, with my + HPT and nobody to get a hold of due to holiday hours but that is partially my fault, we picked a horrible time to do IVF. Hind sight is 20/20 though, right?

Anyway.... I do love them there. The staff is very nice and accommodating, I am always in and out pretty quickly (for the experience I have had at the actual clinic-many of my appointments have been teleconference or telephone) and they all always smile and wish you luck and answer any and all questions you have. They are there 7 days a week for you. During my IVF treatment, I ran out of Puregon. I mentioned it earlier that day at my appointment but they figured that I should have enough. I did not. So I called the doctor on call and he met me at the clinic on a Friday evening right around dinner time to get me more Puregon. Private health care was looking very good at this point. He even suggested delivering the meds to me but we decided meeting him there would be best.

Because this is the only place I have gone to for fertility treatments, I didn't realize that some people have to deal with clinics that are Monday to Friday clinics so you better not need treatment on a weekend. I actually laughed and was horrified to read the following line from a clinic's website while I was researching FET schedules:

Unfortunately, during a natural cycle, we cannot control the day of ovulation. If the day of embryo thaw and transfer falls regularly on a Sunday or holiday, the laboratory staff will become very unhappy

What??? Is that for real? I feel terrible for those couples who are dealing with such a clinic. Then I realized that some people are medicated to accommodate a Monday to Friday clinic schedule and while yes, the purpose of medication is to force things that won't happen naturally, I am glad that my clinic did not change my dosages to ensure that I fit into their schedule.

From my dad

My dad has a sense of humor. Most of us in my family do. Sometimes it is dry, sarcastic, inappropriate but always hilarious.

The other day I checked my email to find this gem, sent to me and my 2 sisters:

Ladies, your Mother has just stood me up for [cousin]'s wedding as she is going to Charlottetown for work. can you find me a cheap date ( between $ 3.00 and $ 12.00 and prefably disease free for the evening )  please don't tell your Mother.


I am still giggling.

I love my dad!

The FET is on

AF showed up and so we are off like a herd of turtles. (DH always says that but this time it rings true because it will be slow going)

This is how it's going to go, I will start taking OPKs in a week or so and once I get a positive, I call the clinic. Then I arrange to have an ultrasound done 3 days later and bloodwork following that. Once my ovulation date is pinpointed, the clinic will tell me when I have to be at the clinic for my real monitoring and the FET.  (ex: they will tell me I am to start my monitoring there on CD 12)

Then once I get the next AF, I will call them and tell them what day is Day 1 and we will figure out the date that I am to be back at the clinic. Hopefully I will be there for a maximum of 2 weeks. But we shall see.

I am anxious, nervous, scared, excited, worried, and a million other similar emotions all rolled into one. At the same time it is all kind of surreal and even though IVF was 6 months ago, it feels like a million years ago.

It is days now

The mock cycle for the FET will officially get rolling when AF shows up. She could be here any day but should technically be here Wednesday or Thursday. I know she is coming, I can feel he creeping up. And with every symptom I get a little more freaked out.

I am anxious and considering the million different scenarios that could pan out with all of this. My body is healed from IVF and the m/c, it is ready to go forward with this. I don't know that my emotions will ever be healed but I feel ready to try again. But with all of that comes the nerves. I am terrified as well.

I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak but I am also not ready to throw in the towel yet. And now that we discovered a second blocked tube, our chances of conceiving on our own are Nil. So that is adding a bunch of stress, it can no longer be a shot in the dark back up plan.

So here I sit and stew and worry. This is going to be another long 2 months followed by another hellish 2ww. Can I click my heels together and make it all go faster?

I hate lying

But lying I am.

D and I (well mostly I) made the decision to keep the FET a secret. When I have to leave town for a week, we will tell people who are close and on a need-to-know-if-I-am-out-of-town basis that I am getting a whole slew of testing for "monitoring" to make sure that at the mid/end of my cycle that all of my hormones are producing properly in my body.

We will tell them that these tests need to be done at the clinic and it was just easier for me to go there for a week straight and get these tests done. To other Infertiles it may seem like a weird lie that should be followed by a million questions but to the Fertiles and Cluelesses in my life, it is perfect.

We have already started. A few close people knew that I was getting the hysterosonogram yesterday so said people have asked what is next. I said "I will probably need some more tests but when we are ready we can do the Frozen Embryo Transfer" Usually at the sound of 'when we are ready' the line of questioning stops. People walk on egg shells and while normally I hate that, for this, it's OK with me.

When we found out that IVF was going to be our best choice for conceiving, I came out of the IF closet. Previously I had been very very private but by that point, I got very sick of being asked questions about our future and babies that I decided to come clean with a choice few. Then that few grew and grew some more.

When the time for IVF came around, most of our friends knew. D got a bit of a big mouth and he told a few more friends than I would have liked, who in turn told their Significant Others-significant to them but very INsignificant to me and so there were too many people who I am not close with who all of sudden knew very private details about me and knew why I was away for 3 weeks. It's just how things snowball from one person to the next.

And then when IVF was over, I felt like I was under a microscope, people watching me, looking at my belly for any signs of bloat, watching what I was drinking until finally when I went into hiding and became very recluse and quiet and sad all the time, which is not like me. Then that is when I assume people figured it out. And I must say, it is nothing to be ashamed of but it is HUMILIATING when people know that either IVF failed or that you have miscarried. It's heartbreaking, you can feel the looks of pity and I hate that.

So because of all of it, we are keeping it a secret. Thankfully I have BOTB and my blog, otherwise D might divorce me for my lack of an outlet to get all of this out.

The Hysterosonogram

Today I had my hysterosnonogram. 

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 am. I went to work until 11 and then I drove 6.5-7 hours to get to the city where the fertility clinic is. I got up this morning, went to the clinic, had my invasive procedure and then drove the 6.5-7 hour drive back home. I did this all by myself and I am fucking exhausted. 


Back to the test itself. 


I got into the ultrasound room and the procedure was explained to me (I already knew what to look forward to) and the technologist went to get Dr. L so they could proceed with the fun. 


The plan was to check my uterus and make sure there were no abnormalities that caused my miscarriages. But Dr. L asked me if he could also check my tubes today. I said sure, why not. He's going to be in there anyway. 


So away we went. The speculum went in, my cervix was wiped, the catheter was inserted through my cervix into my uterus. The speculum was removed, and my boyfriend, the TransVag ultrasound wand (aka Dildo Cam) was inserted to take some Glamor shots of the procedure. 

There was very minimal cramping and discomfort. Compared to the HSG  (Hydrosalpingogram) it was a walk in the park. Everything was looked at and saline was pushed through and I watched and listened as they explained what was going on. It was a good news - bad news situation.


Good: My uterus is fine and there are no abnormalities.


Bad: There was no flow coming out of the left tube (the one that is was open) so it is now also blocked. Dr. L said it could be from more scar tissue or it could have been because I had already ovulated so maybe the uterine lining was blocking it, but he said it wasn't that thick so he dismissed that as a possibility.


Good: We have the go ahead for the FET. 


Bad: If the FET doesn't work, we no longer have that 7% chance of conceiving on our own


Good: Ontario health care will pay for 3 IVF cycles is both tubes are blocked


Bad: I decided after the last IVF cycle that I never wanted to go through that again. 




So, for now we will proceed with the FET. I hope so badly that it works and I don't even need to think about or consider the possibility of another IVF cycle. But if it doesn't, we have some serious thinking to do and some really tough choices to make. 

The possibility of twins

D and I made the decision during our IVF cycle that twins would be too much for us. For many reasons, the main one being that my OB is 1.5 hours away and the hospital where I live is just not equipped to deal with the possibility of preemies and the support needed for pre-term labor that often occurs in multiple pregnancies. So for my own health and safety and the health and safety of the potential twins, we chose to transfer only 1 embryo.

For the FET, Dr. L has recommended that we transfer 2 embryos. We trust him and will seriously consider what he recommends and we will transfer 2 embryos (providing that 2 survive the thawing). So we are now dealing with the possibility that we will have twins. (we could also be dealing with the possibility that neither embryo will take but I choose to try and be positive)

Today, at work a woman came in for an ultrasound who is about 30 weeks pregnant with twins and it made me think. That could be me.

There are risks, there are concerns, there is hope.

Back to reality

I have been masking my stress and my anxiety and my sadness with the planning of our vacation.

I buried myself into the thought of escaping reality and getting a much needed vacation for D and I. And now we are back and my Hysterosonogram is on Monday and I am starting to freak out. I just figured I would go there, have the test and then come home and wait for AF to start my mock cycle before moving on to the FET in June. But it never occurred to me (or I never allowed myself to think that) there might be something wrong. What is my uterus is not capable of carrying a pregnancy? I am starting to freak out a little. I had a minor meltdown the other night, my first in a while.

This makes me wonder if I really am ready to be moving ahead again. Am I ready to go through this all over again? Am I strong enough to handle it all over? I do think it is worth the try because I don't want to spend my life wondering what if but I also don't know if I can handle a potential heart wrenching, soul shattering disappointment again.

::sigh:: I am thankful for my vacation because clearly, my reality was worth escaping.

Pictures from Mexico

Just got back from an amazing trip to Mexico. Of course, AF showed up the day before we left. It wasn't too bad though and the trip was amazing!

We went to the Riviera Maya and stayed at the Catalonia Yucatan. We met some great people and had a wonderful time!

 

We did an excursion one day that included walks and bike rides through the jungle, visits to some Mayan Ruins (the history and stories are amazing and wild), we got to climb a big pyramid called Coba. D made it all the way up but I got too chicken at about 3/4 of the way and slowly made my way down on my butt. Then we went to a different area, walked through the jungle, went ziplining over some water that was the home to 2 alligators, walked some more until we made it to a Cenote: a sinkhole with exposed rocky edges containing groundwater. It is typically found in the Yucatán Peninsula and some nearby Caribbean islands. The term derives from a word used by the low-land Yucatec Maya to mean any location with accessible groundwater. We got blessed by a Mayan Medicine Man because we were going swimming in the Cenote and they believe that is their Underworld (which is a good thing), then we rappelled down into the Cenote, went for a swim in there, swam through a pitch black cave and I mean PITCH BLACK. Then we walked back through the jungle, went for a canoe ride, had a delicious Mexican lunch and it was back to the resort. An amazing and exhausting day!

 

VIVA MEXICO!

Now it's back to the real world though, Yuck!

Of course my body didn't cooperate

I have been planning this trip. It would have fallen perfectly around a no AF time but sometime in January or February I had a longer than usual cycle. That's fine, we figure it out.

So I planned this trip knowing that I would have AF but that I would be in the home stretch and only dealing with lighter days and no more cramps or bloating.

Well my bitch of a body got wind of this plan and decided to be a bitch. AF should have been here Monday/Tuesday. It is now Wednesday at 6:15pm and nothing. Every symptom is here hinting that the bitch is on the way but no red sign of her yet.

So I will go to Mexico with cramps, bloating and heavy bleeding. Just once you would think she would co-operate. JUST ONCE!!!!! But nope. Dee wants a break from life and needs this post IVF/pre FET holiday with her husband to relax and unwind and get away from everything? Let's shit all over that idea!!!

D is sweet. He said "Well you will have your period in Mexico...it's OK, just think that you will be in Mexico, so in the bigger scheme of things, it's OK"

He is right, but I would have liked to been cramp and bloat free. So here's hoping she shows up soon and tomorrow I can suffer with the cramps and bloating and then Friday's plane ride can be uncomfortable. Whatever. It is what it is. I really should know better than to think my body would cooperate for once.








**Yes, for a very brief moment the thought that I might be pregnant crossed my mind. I know better than that but yes, it did briefly cross my mind. Could you imagine? TTC for years, finding out that we have a 7% chance of conceiving spontaneously, going through IVF, having another m/c, wasting all of that money, having a meltdown and then getting pregnant on the first time having sex in months??? We all know that those miracles don't happen to me.

3 jobs

Last week I had only one job. By Thursday of this week I had 3.

I am currently working full time in the Diagnostic Imaging department at my local hospital as the reception clerk. I started out in the hospital in the Lab taking blood which I loved. My reason for leave was that I did not get enough hours. I have regretted leaving every since and have wanted to get back to it.

So an opportunity became available for me to be able to do some weekends in the Lab so I jumped at the chance. HORRAY I am back! (and might I add, I still go it....I had a refresher course today and I did about half the patients and didn't miss one of them-Go Dee!)

Then the next day I get an email from my boss at the radio station saying they will be short staffed starting immediately and would like me to come back and be an extra voice for them. So I agreed to go in one day a week to do some recording for him to help him out.

I better really enjoy my trip to Mexico because once I get back, things are going to get hectic!

Round 2 on the roller coaster

We saw Dr. L today. We now have a plan for our FET (frozen embryo transfer). I got all of the information that I was needing and we are going forward as planned.

So we will do a natural cycle, natural just means without meds. We can do this because I have a regular 28-30 day cycle and I ovulate perfectly fine on my own (one might think that would make it easy for you to get pregnant...apparently there are other factors at play-whodathunkit?)

First comes my "mock cycle." How this will work is when I get my period in May I will call the clinic with my Day 1. They will send requisitions for me to get blood work and ultrasounds to monitor and find out when I ovulate. Once that is determined we wait until the next period to come in June. Then I call the clinic and I head back down to the city where they are for about a week. During that time I get daily blood work until they see a LH surge. Once that happens, they count 5 days, thaw the embryos and transfer.

We all remember that during my IVF cycle, we decided to only transfer 1 embryo. A choice we did not come to quickly or lightly, but a choice we came to together and after advice and research and many questions. For the past couple of weeks I have been considering the idea of transferring 2 embryos in the FET.

At today's appointment the RE said he recommends that we transfer 2 embryos. I was surprised because from the get go everyone at the clinic is very pro "only transfer 1" but since it was his recommendation, we will consider it more strongly and will most likely go with this option, if the embryos survive the thawing.

We have 4 frozen ones left. The first is a better quality than Petey (the embryo we transferred at the IVF cycle) the reason that happened is that the day of the transfer, the 2nd best one developed more and became better quality before it was frozen. The 2nd embryo is the same quality as Petey and the other 2 are a little lower quality but still good.

So we are getting on the roller coaster again. My frozen babies will have to be frozen just a little longer, then I promise to give (2 of) them a warm and cozy home for 9 months and a loving and warm life after that.

Roxy the wonder dog

She is a wonder dog. She is a magician, a bundle of nerves, a daredevil, a cuddler, going blind.

My dog has separation anxiety. People laugh at her quirks and special needs because "she is a dog!!" but her anxiety is very real and her quirks make her that much more special (and annoying) but I know what each one of her mannerisms mean and I know what to do for her most of the time.

I got Roxy when she was 4 months old. Not a new puppy but not an old dog either. She has always been timid and at first, she was afraid of men. I am very certain she was abused before I got her.

So let's talk about her separation anxiety. Roxy does not like to be left behind and she takes whatever means necessary to escape. She has ripped through almost every screen in our house and jumped out of the corresponding window or door. She has made a 15 foot drop out of my In-Laws' bathroom window. She has jumped up on a chest freezer and ripped up the screen to the window behind it and leaped a good 10-12 feet to her freedom. When we leave we have to make sure that all windows are closed because if one is open even a crack, she will find it, open it, claw the screen and jump.

Roxy has been known to open the heavy patio door, locked or unlocked. She is also very well known to wrap her leash around anything and wiggle herself out of her collar and then she's off to explore the neighborhood. People will comment that her collar is too tight when they pet her but in reality it is not tight enough because she can still get out of it. You cannot fit a finger between her skin and the collar but she still manages to Houdini her way out of it.

The screens are replaceable, it's a royal pain in the ass to have to do them several times a summer but they are replaceable. The carpet she has decided to rip to shreds little by little will be a bit more costly and a new floor is just not in our budget right now.

The big problem is that we can't leave her with other people because she tears their house apart too and not only does it get expensive for us but it's embarrassing and you feel to blame. Leaving her in a kennel is absolutely out of the question, she wouldn't eat or drink in a strange place with people and other dogs she doesn't know. And she would have a constant whine on.

What I need is someone at my disposal to come over to our house and watch her while we are away. Then she is in her own house and more comfortable. We have tried every tip there is out there to help her with this, including medication. Nothing seems to work.

So what? She is going blind, has a terrible case of anxiety and separation anxiety and rips apart my house as she sees fit (it is not every time), she is always happy to see me when I get home, she escapes from her collar and explores the neighborhood loose, she is afraid of toys that squeak, she doesn't like to play, she is afraid of small animals, she rarely barks, she growls at small kids if they get in her space, she loves to play hide n seek, she loves to cuddle, she needs to be near you or touching you at all times, she doesn't beg for food and listens well, she is a bed hog, she loves to sleep in and be lazy.

She is my baby and I love her.

Can you say Mexico?

I can!!! And soon I can say "I am in Mexico!!"

We finally booked our trip. After some ups and downs and watching the prices fluctuate every day we finally booked it. Now I am really starting to get excited.

We are going here:

Ohhh I can't wait!!!

I am in so much need and I deserve this vacation so much. DH and I both do. I plan to relax, explore, drink, swim, snorkel and enjoy the sun!

I can't wait to wear flip flops!!!!

Stranger things have happened

Now to blog about my other pregnant friend. I mentioned before that both of my BFFs were pregnant. Of course there was the finger crossing and hoping for one of them who has been through 2 losses. (everything is fine)

Now, my other friend is experiencing some strangeness. Last week she spotted a little and Thursday the spotting was more significant. So she spoke to the OB who she works with and he sent her for a STAT ultrasound. At the ultrasound, the tech did not see a gestational sac. So she was sent for bloodwork. Well her level came back around 1500. Bizarre.

So her doctor wondered 2 possible scenarios. She ovulated much later than she assumed (since she was not TTC, she was not charting) and she was too early to see anything on the u/s OR it is ectopic. Though he expected her to be in much more pain if it were ectopic.

She returned today for bloodwork (result not ready yet) and an ultrasound. The tech thought she may have seen a spec of something but is not 100% sure.

Very strange. She is to come back on Friday for more bloodwork and another ultrasound.

Keeping my fingers crossed that she is just much earlier than she thought.


Update on me now? Ok. I see Dr. L on Thursday to discuss the FET procedure. EEEEEEEEEP

Good news!

I have been meaning to update. I want to thank you all for keeping my friend in your thoughts. She had an u/s done on Monday and all is well. Baby has a nice heartbeat. I am very relieved!!

Also, in other news, my other BFF is also pregnant. They are each due within a few weeks of each other. I am very happy for them. And rather than be hurt and jealous I have decided that I will always have a belly to rub and kicks to feel. (I know some people are not fans of the belly rubs but I am and these are my 2 best friends) and I will have new babies to cuddle and I will be an awesome auntie to them.

(of course my heart stings a little because I feel left behind but I choose to be happy for them instead of sad for me and maybe when they are big and round, I will be able to tell them one day that we did the FET and I am also pregnant)

Life cannot be this cruel, can it?

My very close friend is pregnant.
She has suffered 2 losses in the exact same way. She gets to about 7 weeks and there is no heartbeat. The second time she saw a heartbeat and then it stopped a week or 2 later. The first time, she went for her ultrasound around 11-12 weeks and the baby had stopped developing around 7weeks.

So here she is pregnant again. Her betas are being monitored weekly. It went from 830 to 7474 and then to over 30,000. Things are looking AMAZING. She is having bouts of nausea, she is moody and hormonal. But the poor girl is stressed. She is worried that there is a black cloud of doom hanging over her and nobody can get her to stop it. I just need for her to get past the point where she got devastating news last time and then I hope she can calm down.

She has a feeling this weekend that it is over. She says she knows her body and that she just has that gut feeling. I choose to remain hopeful for her because she deserves this and will be an amazing mom. But you cannot convince her to stop worrying. And I don't blame her. She knows nothing but getting to this point and then getting that horrible news.

Monday she will see a doctor, get an ultrasound and I can only cross everything I have and hope with everything I have that she will see that flicker of a heartbeat on the screen and she will be able to breathe and enjoy this pregnancy and prepare for her future as a mom. Because life cannot be that cruel to rip away this gift from her again and again. It just cannot.

Did you book yet??

Daily people ask me if we've booked our holiday yet. I say no. I get pleasure out of this too.

The first time we went on a hot trip it was our first time and we went with friends so we booked well in advance with a travel agent. The next time was our honeymoon and I had enough going on with the wedding plans that I let the travel agent take care of it for me.
The next time, I went away with my sisters and my mom and my sister set it all up with a travel agent for the 4 of us.
Then there was Las Vegas and that was for a friend's wedding which D and I were both standing in so we booked pretty early. Then it was my sister's wedding and we booked with the group for the wedding.
I kept saying "Next time we will book according to a good deal and do it last minute"

So this time, it is what we are doing. I check daily at what kinds of deals are happening and we are waiting to book. Could be Cuba, could be the Dominican Republic, could be Jamaica... who knows?

It's exciting. All I know is that in 1 month from now I will be laying on a beach somewhere in deep relaxation mode.

I am looking forward to it.

Baby steps

More and more I find myself thinking about the FET and also planning a future with a pregnancy and a baby.

I have always pictured myself pregnant or with a baby. You look ahead at events and periods of time and think "I could be pregnant or I could have a baby then" but as we all know, I have yet to experience this. After the most recent miscarriage I put those thoughts out of my mind. And I knew that once they returned I would feel ready to try again. Well the thoughts are back and we are going to move forward with our tentative plan.

This morning I took a PNV, this probably doesn't seem like a big deal to anyone but me but it is a huge step. I stopped taking my daily PNV the second I realized that my pregnancy was not healthy and that I was miscarrying and since then the bottle sits there, mocking me. Today, I took one and plan to continue taking them.
I called my RE and requested an appointment to go over the FET procedure. I will be doing a "Natural cycle" which means no meds-HORRAY!!! So I will first do a 'mock cycle' to determine when I ovulate and then the following cycle I will travel again to the RE's office and I will be monitored daily and once ovulation has occured they will wait 5 days and do the FET. Our big decisions now are how many to thaw and how many to transfer. We have 4. Not every embryo survives the thawing so it could be very difficult. But we will cross that bridge if we come to it.

Did I mention that my period started today? So the plan goes as follows:

APRIL - Vacation
MAY - Mock cycle
JUNE - FET

Here we go again......................................................................

A few things

It is tax time. So today I took a stab at filing our taxes. The program that I used was super easy and I was able to file online. We were able to claim IVF, this is good and probably the reason why we are getting such a good return (about 2800) but going through all of those receipts stung but I made it through.

The money will go to 3 possible things: Our trip in april, our credit card or for the FET when we decide to do it.


D is playing in a hockey tournament this weekend so I will be spending some time watching hockey, my kind of weekend ;)


My best friend is pregnant. I am the only one who knows. I am so very happy for them, they have suffered 2 losses and I am just so hopeful that this is the sticky baby that they want and deserve so badly.


Tonight at my dad's house he told me about someone who had a baby. I said 'oh yeah' and he said "yeah he is dating so-and-so" and I just blurted out "Yes, dad, I know. Everyone is super fertile, that's great!" Then he said "sorry, I was just telling you" and I said "Well don't. I don't care."    I have never ever been that vocal about my pain with anyone else other than D. I felt a bit bad for acting that way but at the same time I don't care.


Hmm, what else? I think that's about all I wanted to say.

Game Night funnies

We had game night over at a friend's house last night. I love playing games so I was super excited.

The game we played for the larger portion of the night was Loaded Questions: Adult Version. I laughed so hard I cried and almost peed myself several times. So I thought I'd share some of the funny answers from last night. The game goes that someone reads a question and everyone writes down an answer, then the person who read the question reads everyone's answers out loud and people take their turns guessing who wrote what answer. We were also drinking and being very immature.

Q- Finish this poem Roses are red, violets are blue...

Some answers: "my testicles are itchy, can you scratch them?"  we roared at this cause of course it doesn't rhyme.  "Did a dog shit in your mouth? Cause it smells like poo"

Q- Name a tv mom that turns you on

Answers: "Roseanne" (this was answered by 3 different people-LOL), "Marge Simpson" and "Lois Griffin"

Q- If Hugh Hefner and Sesame Street colaborated on a project what would it be called?

Answers: "Bert and Ernie do Big Bird" "Miss Piggy Takes Big Bird" "Suck-a-me Street"

Q- Name something that should only be done in private

A- (this one got my vote for answer of the night) "Masturbate to the Sears Catalog"


Game night is fun.

"I am ready when you are"

I married a wonderful man. I may get pissed at him from time to time and he may aggravate me to the point of tears but all in all, I could not have been paired with a better man to be on this journey with.

Today we had a little chat. I told him I was sorry for being such a shitty wife. (we have not had sex since before the egg retrieval-in DECEMBER) He said there was no need for apologies and "I am ready when you are ready. I am a patient person" I said that he must be getting frustrated and he said he isn't (I am sure he was lying) when I repeated it a few times he said "I think I was frustrated at first but now I understand it more." I told him that I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to cheat on me (I added "I would never forgive you and I would leave you but I wouldn't be surprised) He said NEVER and I know he is being truthful.

We also talked about the FET and he again said "I am ready for that whenever you are." He said that he wants it to work out so bad but he is scared of the roller coaster we went through with IVF again. Of course he is, we both are.

I am very fortunate to have such an amazing husband. IF is not an easy thing to deal with and it takes a big toll on your marriage, I am one of the lucky ones who found a real partner to go through it all with, especially when the IF issues lie within my body.

I got my tattoo

If you recall I was pondering the idea of getting a tattoo in remembrance of DJ and Petey. I came up with the idea of 1 forget-me-nots. Both of my EDDs were in September (2010 and 2011) and I found out that not only do forget-me-nots signify remembrance but they are also September's flower. Perfectly fitting.

My criteria was that it had to be in a spot that I could see without the use of a mirror or having to contort myself like some circus act and that it could be a place that I could hide easily.

My worry was that blue in tattoos often looks tacky or cheap and flowers can look horrendous too. So I was nervous and actually considered getting stars instead.

So without further ado, I present you my new tattoo. The floor is a bit dirty and the picture doesn't do the color justice and it looks better in person. I am also not sure why in the second picture the color looks so light and like a 2 year old colored it. LOL

A Saturday drive

So today I was scheduled to leave to go visit my sisters and niece and nephew and BIL. So I did.
I drove to a town an hour away and when I stopped for gas I heard that there was a highway closure just ahead up the road.

Should I wait it out or should I go back home?

The weather forecast wasn't looking great and my dad informed me that once they did reopen I would be stuck in long lines of traffic anyway including a lot of transport trucks. So I came home.

I will try again bright and early tomorrow morning because my nephew wants me to make it to his 11am hockey game and it's a 3.5 hour drive. Looks like no sleeping in for Dee this weekend.

Better safe than sorry.

Improvement or masking the heartache?

I have found myself thinking more and more about the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Up until recently, I couldn't even think about it, not even a little. I knew what my options were but I just couldn't face it until I let myself heal. I looked at the future and thought about a childless and non-pregnant existance, which was different for me. For as long as I can remember I have always looked at my future in terms of the possibility of being pregnant or having a child. Many dates, events and milestones have come and gone where I thought "I will be pregnant there or I will have a baby then" but at each one of those events and dates I have had an empty ute, empty arms and an empty heart.

So after IVF and the second miscarriage, I looked at my future as a childless person. I tried to fill that massive hole with material things and distractions. I said I was "doing things for me" like taking guitar lessons, playing volleyball, planning a vacation with D, training for a half marathon. And we thought, if I am ready we will look into starting the FET natural cycle process in May with the transfer happening in my June cycle. But as those dates approach I am thinking more about it. Am I ready? or Am I trying to mask my ongoing sadness and heartache? I am not sure.

Part of me thinks that it is a step that I am thinking about moving forward but that same part of me is terrified. When we made the decision to do IVF I somehow got it in my  head that this would bea sure thing for us. I knew the statistics, I knew the chances. But I told myself that I didn't fall into those categories. Afterall, I have a normal and regular cycle, I ovulate perfectly on my own, I am young and healthy, D's sperm is marvelous and our only obstacle is my blocked right tube. It wouldn't be an issue,my problem is that the eggs can't get to where they need to be to meet the sperm. Since my left side rarely ovulated (only about 10% of the time) this was a pretty sure fire option for us. There was a wall blocking us from conceiving and IVF was the door being installed in the middle of this wall and once the door was open, our problems woul dbe solved. Obviously, I got a very rude awakening. And through that rude awakening I felt absolutely shattered. I am broken, my body does not work as it should, as a woman's body is designed to work and that was a hard pill to swallow.

So now, thinking about doing the FET I am afraid. Can I handle another heartbreak? What if the embryos don't survive the thawing? Do we push the enveloppe and transfer more than 1 this time? We have 2 good quality ones and 2 not great but still decent quality ones. Do I take my chances with those?

I know 1 thing for sure, I will never do a full IVF cycle again. But as the rest of the questions surface, I will remain confused, afraid, worried and always questioning. Always.

If I wasn't sure before

I sure know now. My body hates me. AF likes to mess with me and ruin my life.

So D and I are planning a tropical vacation away. Away from home, work, life and hopefully away from all of the stress and worry. We need this.

But since I started my new job I do not get many holidays (about 6-8 days for the whole year) we planned it so that I would only have to take 4 days off instead of 5-6. It also worked out perfectly with my cycle. If everything went according to plan, I would be just finishing my period when we arrived and the last few days are barely anything so it would be perfect. I got my period on holidays once and it was horrible, I will never do it again.

So because I am bitter and broken I have not been paying much attention to my period. I try and remember CD1 and that's about it so I didn't notice when this period was late.

I did some new calculations and since the stupid bitch decided to be 5 days freaking late this time, my period will probably fall right smack dab in the middle of our planned vacation. WHORE! So I am waiting to see what happens for March's cycle and hopefully we can resume according to plan.

So busy and so emotional

Life has been a whirlwind lately. Work has been absolutely nuts leaving me exhausted. I was sick for a week and my training for a half marathon has fallen way way behind and I need a new kick in the ass to get me going again cause I am feeling like a sloth these days.

On top of being crazy busy, I am also feeling crazy sad and while I am doing some counseling, I really don't feel like talking to her about it. It sucks. The reason I am doing counseling is to be able to open up to someone about all of this but yet I don't feel comfortable enough in front of the counselor to break down and really talk about things. I also feel like because I am on auto shut down at all times she thinks that I am fine and strong and that she probably wonders why I am even going to counseling. I am dreading my next appointment because I have been feeling so down lately.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I am not in party mode with my young, childless friends and I am not planning playdates with my friends and their children. I am stuck in my basement under my blanket crying all alone. I don't even want to talk to D about it but he knows something is not right. I don't hug him or kiss him anymore. I don't say I love you. And sex? Well let's just say the last time we had sex was in 2010.

::sigh::

The ABCs of Me

Yep I am bored so I stole this from Buckin.

(A) Age: 29

(B) Bed Size: Double and I wish for a King every single day but we need to do some minor renos before that can happen

(C) Chore You Hate: Cleaning the bathroom

(D) Dogs? Roxy. My cute and sweet little mixed breed with anxiety issues and a face that melts my heart daily. 

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Shower

(F) Favorite Color: Red, purple, pink

(G) Gold or Silver? White gold

(H) Height: 5'7

(I) Instruments You Play: I am currently taking guitar lessons so stay tuned (no pun intended)

(J) Job Title: Diagnostic Imaging Clerk

(K) Kids: None yet. I have lost 2 babies to early miscarriage.

(L) Live: Ontario, Canada

(M) Mom's Name: This is a weird question. I won't even say my husband's name on here. My mom's name is Mom

(N) Nicknames: Dee (it's short for my name)

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Yes. Tonisilectomy & Adnoidectomy when I was a kid and Appendectomy & bowel resection when I was a teen.

(P) Pet Peeve: Loud chewing noises and people who feeeeelll theee needdd to spelllll with a buuunchhhh of needlessss exxxxxtra letttersssss

(Q) Quote from a Movie: From my all time fave MY GIRL

Weeping willow with your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown
Is it because he left you one day
Is it because he could not stay
On your branches he would sing
Do you long for the happiness that day would bring
He found shelter in your shade
You thought his smile would never fade
Weeping willow stop your tears
There is something to calm you fears
You think that death has ripped you apart
But I know he'll always be in your heart

(R) Right or Left Handed? Right

(S) Siblings: 2 older sisters

(T) Time You Wake Up? During the week, 6:45am

(U) Underwear: yeah, I wear em.

(V) Vegetable You Dislike: I can't think of one!

(W) What Makes You Run Late: Can't find anything to wear

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: OH boy. Maybe I will just give you the one where something what actually broken? My Collarbone. When you play sports you get injuries so I have had a few xrays in my life.

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Spaghetti sauce. YUMMMM and homemade soup

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Elephant. 

Seeing the counselor

I almost didn't go. I almost turned around on the way there. When I had a bit of trouble finding the place, I almost just went home.

But I did. I saw the counselor. I didn't break down and cry, I stopped myself. I think the most difficult part will be opening up and letting go a little more. I was still very stiff and didn't release that much 'real' emotions with the whole thing.

It was good though and she is getting me a book to help with the emotional aspect after miscarriage. We focused more on that than the IF.

Not sure what else to write.

Valentine's Texting

I will preface this by saying that D and I do not celebrate Valentine's Day. I have never believed in it.

Today I am busy, after work I am going to the gym, followed by a 1-hour massage. I will get home around 7pm and D's night shift starts at that time so we will not see each other today. With our schedules, that happens sometimes and it's no big deal.

D texts me this morning:

Happy Valentine's Day

and I reply:

Happy fake holiday to you too




Love is in the air, I tell ya.

Let's Talk About Sex: The Oral Edition

***This blog post contains talk of oral sex and delves deep into a very personal side of my life**



There is about a million different names for the act of fellatio, either male or female.

I am not a big fan of the blow job. I will do it every now and again but it's rare that my poor husband gets a BJ and usually it's just a tiny blip on the foreplay radar. I cannot remember the last time I gave a blow job from beginning to  *ahem* end.  I have friends who are fans of giving blow jobs because they are not in the mood to have sex. Screw that! If it is a question between sex and a blow job, I am spreading my legs 9 times out of 10. I have even had bets with D where a blow job was the prize and after he won I would say "I don't feel like it, can we just have sex instead?"

But then there is the flip side. D going down on me.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot. But I rarely let him do it. It's weird and I have never considered myself a prude but when it comes to this, I am. I worry about the smell, did I shave well enough, is he looking at it? cause it's ugly, it cannot taste good, am I grossing him out in some way?
Evidently, the whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. But when I do relax and let it happen I always wonder why I don't let him go downtown more...... Maybe one day Prudence McPrude will leave my body and I will let go a little.

The of course there is the ever awkward and uncomfortable 69. Has anyone ever really enjoyed this? Honestly? If you are on top you are not only trying to enjoy what is happening to you all the while holding yourself up and working on a task of your own. It's exhausting. I am too busy concentrating on what I am doing in order to enjoy what he is doing. If we are going to engage in oral then I think it's best enjoy if everyone takes their own turn.

A new outlet

I have taken the plunge. Well I mad an appointment to take the plunge.

After a bit of deliberation, I have decided it is time to seek some help for my emotional downfall. I am seeing a counselor. Unfortunately she does not specialize in IF or loss but I hope that having someone to talk to will be a good thing.

This is a major step for me. When I am upset I shut down. I shut everyone out and I hide in a dark place and I don't let anyone in. I don't talk about my feelings. I was raised in a house where I was told to "Suck it up and get over it! Move on!" I was raised by a woman who never talked about her feelings and never encouraged me to talk about mine.

The result? A person who does not deal well with her emotions and whose immediate reaction is to bury them very deep inside.

So Wednesday after work is my first appointment, I have a whole bunch of anxiety about it and hope I have the courage to not blow it off. Cause I do need this.

Baby on Board signs

These have always boggled me. I have always thought they were tacky. Sorry if you have one. Well actually, if you do have one can you explain to me why you have this?

Is it to make other drivers more cautious around you because you have a baby in the car? In which case should I get one that says "No baby here, feel free to hit me at a high speed!!"
Is it to alert the world that the reason you are all over the road is because your baby dropped his or her pacifier? Seriously, I want to know.

On top of my dislike for them, as an Infertile I now view them as bragging. Why not just plaster your van with signs that say "My ute works and yours is defective!!" Wait, you mean to tell me that the sign is not a personal attack on me?

I swear I know how ridiculous I sound yet the feeling remains.

Let's Talk About Sex: The Anal Edition

I am a virgin.

An anal sex virgin. I will die an anal sex virgin.

I always thought I was in the majority with this one. Apparently I am not. My girlfriends and I got to talking about this once and I realized I am almost alone in my ass virginness. Me and my friend L are the only two out of the 7 of us who were talking about it.

I don't judge if that's what you want to do but from the way it has been described to me, I have no desire to have to put so much lube that I may need a beach towel, have a dick shoved up my ass while I bite down on a leather strap or something only to have to feel like I need to take a massive dump during and immediately afterward.

Yeah, no thanks.

I told D if he ever seriously wanted to do it that I would entertain the idea on the one condition that I get to shove a dildo up his ass too so he would know what it felt like. Oddly enough, he has never asked.

I love getting mail

Surprise mail? even better!

When it contains a heartfelt letter? SUPERB!

Yesterday I got a gift in the mail from my dear internet friend, Krista. You never expect to meet people online who will forever touch your life in such a special and amazing way, but I did and Krista is one of those amazing people.

A while back she hosted a giveaway on her blog for a necklace that is made by her cousin. She makes these necklaces for people with IF and/or who are dealing with a loss. Unfortunately, Krista and I fall into both of those categories. I didn't win the necklace but thought it was such a beautiful idea and such a great giveaway. The necklaces are made from Oyster Shells and Baby Foot shells(thin delicate shells with a baby's foot imprint in the center) Krista's cousin puts them together for those in need to wear for hope and promise and remembrance.

And yesterday I got my very own Baby Foot necklace and I love love love it. It is a unique and beautiful gift and I got very teary eyed when I read the heartfelt letter and was so touched to receive the necklace. I put it on immediately and all through the day today I would put my hand over top of it and feel the inspiration that came with it.

To Krista, this was a simple gesture to an internet friend but to me, it means the whole world and more.

I took these with my webcam so they are crappy quality. 

You can kind of see the imprint of the baby's foot in the smaller shell.

What a steal of a deal!

I read an awesome blog called 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. The blog is so true and real and helps you to laugh and cry and feel bitter all the while knowing you are not alone. I love it.
Some of my favorite posts include: Do You Come to this Reproductive Endocrinologist Often?, You Have A  Lot of People Looking At Your Vagina , Good Luck Phoning Your Mommy Friend

Just to name a small few.

Recently something happened to me that reminded me of something that could go on that awesome blog and I wanted to share.

We forked out a lot of money for IVF. Any other person who is going through this or has been through it knows what I am talking about. On top of the cost of the procedures there is the cost of meds which is astro-freaking-nomical then I also had the joy of paying for my accommodations for 3 weeks while I was in the city where the RE's office is getting monitored and my treatment, the extra costs of being away from home, and on top of it all we chose December so we had to do some Christmas shopping (Thanks for understanding our financial situation, ILs, I appreciate you forcing us to buy you all a Christmas gift even though we were paying out the ass for fertility treatments-BAH HUM BUG)

So our total was pretty large. Another part of this whole mess that stings, all of the money that we should have just flushed down the toilet instead.

So when my follow up appointment came with Dr. L and we discussed the FET I was expecting to hear another high number. Knowing that I need to heal emotionally and financially before even thinking about doing the FET. Then he said the number. $1200 total for everything, since I will be doing a natural FET cycle, I won't have to worry about the cost of meds.

And what did D and I both respond to this? Wow! That's not bad at all!!!

Some people worry about the cost of a BBT to get pregnant and maybe a few months of VIP fertilityfriend.com. Some don't even have to go that far and just have the cost of a cheap, old condom that breaks.

But not us. $1200 for another chance at becoming parents? What a steal of a deal!!!

Doing things for ME

I am a pretty important person in my life. I often ignore me. Not anymore.

I am taking guitar lessons for me

I bought myself some new wheels

And I am about 80% sure that I am going to run a half marathon this year. In May. It's something that I have always wanted to do but put off intense training for TTC.

Yep, it's my time now.

Let's Talk About Sex

When I get together with my girl friends the conversation often turns to sex. I really do believe that women talk about it way more than men do. I might make this a regular blog segment, who knows.

And since my sex life has been ruined lately thanks to T-TTC, why not find some humor in what many people take so very seriously.

Today's topic: Shower sex.

I do not like shower sex. It is not comfortable, I go in the shower to clean and shave and be warm under the water. Throw in a second person and you have to share the stream of water, the ceramic walls in my shower are too cold to lean against and I am not strong enough to bend and contort in whichever way needed to have sex standing up on a wet slippery floor. It's just not appealing to me.

But D tries. Oh does he try. Here is a conversation we had that always gets a good laugh out of my friends when I tell them.

I am the Italic font and D will be the Bold font.


Let's have a shower together

No thanks

How come you never want to have a shower with me?

Because I don't like shower sex

We don't have to have sex, we can just have a shower together

Yeah right! As if you would ever just have a shower and have it not be sexual

I won't! We will just shower together.


No, cause then I have to share the water and I get cold while I wait for you to use it

You can have all of the water, I don't care. 


Well that's just creepy! I will be showering while you stand there...dry...staring at me...with a boner!

An Award??

 

A wonderful woman, Jenni, over at Tomorrow's on the Way gave me an award. It is my first blog award and I am shocked. My blog lately has been a non-stop spewing of whining and crying and I am honored that Jenni chose my blog for this award. Thank you Jenni, you are quite supportive and helpful and always have something nice and comforting to say. I appreciate this very much.

There are a few rules to this award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award!

 

So here are 7 things about me (I will try to make them things about me that you probably don't know)

 

1- I have a 36D size bra

 

2- I am the youngest of 3 girls but have never felt like the spoiled baby of the family but rather the forgotten last child. So I have always been loud and chatty to try and demand attention.

 

3- Nothing makes me more angry than a liar. Even if it is a small stupid lie.

 

4- I wore braces for 2.5 years. My teeth were so bad and crooked that they had to pull 2 just so the rest would fit in my mouth straight. One tooth was so crooked it was almost backwards.

 

5- I was electrocuted as a child (about 2-3 years old). The family dog chewed the plug off a fan and I got a hold of the chewed off plug and plugged it into the wall. The lights went out and I started to scream. When my mom came  in she saw that I had a black mark on the tip of my finger and also on the tip of my big toe. (where the shock when in and out). She did not take me to a doctor or hospital.

 

6- My body is covered in birthmarks. They range in size and area of body. They are watched carefully for changes and many of them have been removed and tested for cancer and abnormalities. One of them is on the right side of my head and it causes my hair on that side only to be curly and frizzy and thicker than the other side.

 

7- If money was no object I would get a nose job.

 

 

And now to award other bloggers. I don't have 15 people to award this to so I will just pass it along to a few of my favorites. I am not exactly sure what the Stylish Blogger Award represents but I will pass along to people who have great blogs, amazing stories, good hearts and who have touched my life in some way.

 

1- The amazing, strong, loving and sweet Megan at After Jillian (a private blog) who introduced me to pretzel M&Ms, for that I am forever grateful.

 

2- The beautiful, positive, strong and caring Ashley at Life as Ashlet

 

3- And what can I say about Sulfababy? She is a survivor, incredibly strong, funny and witty, so helpful and positive, and her blog is not only hilarious, serious, emotional but it is also educational and entertaining. She writes Close my Eyes and Leap

 

4- I believe she already has this award but I have to include the amazing Krista at Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers Not only is Krista an amazing and strong woman like the rest of my nominees but she is tough and sweet, she knows exactly what to say because she has been there. An most of all she is my proof that there you can never lose hope. She is my proof that we infertiles deserve good things too.

 

 

 

I also wanted to award one to Amber from Born in a Barn but she recently received one so this is her honorable mention ;)

A new vehicle

D and I have been surviving with 1 vehicle for quite a few years now. I was working part time and we couldn't afford a 2nd vehicle and we made it work with just 1.

Tomorrow that officially ends. After work I am picking up my brand new 2011 Ford Escape!

Normal me would be so excited and squeeing all over the place. I am excited but my current state of emotion is keeping all of that in check. But yay for a new car...truck....SUV

Like a ton of bricks

I knew today was coming. I noticed it on the calendar last week. But this morning I did not think of it. I did not realize the date.

Then when I was out running errands I had to write the date and there it was taunting me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is January 23rd, the day that my first pregnancy ended. The day I started bleeding and cramping and had a nervous breakdown.

::sigh::

Another tattoo?

I have always considered the idea of another tattoo. I have 3. I got my first when I was about 16, behind my parents' back. It is a Chinese symbol that means Happiness, the next I got when I was 18 or 19, it is another Chinese symbol on the other side of my lower back that means "Truth" The third I got in Vegas in 2009. It is on my foot, near my heel, just below my ankle bone. It is an L and a 3 that are together and looks like a heart in hot pink. The L is the last-name initial of my maiden name (and also my married name) and the 3 represents my 2 sisters and I.

I vowed never to get a tattoo unless I was really sure and it had some meaning. I have decided I want another one and I know exactly what I want. I want something to honor my 2 lost babies. They both had EDDs in September and one of the flowers of September is the forget-me-not. So I want to get 2 forget-me-nots (which incidentally in tattoo form mean "remembrance"). I am thinking maybe on the top of my foot but I am not sure. I like having them in places that I can hide if need be. (professional or classy reasons)But I know for sure that I want this tattoo and I want it in a place where I can look at it without contorting myself or having to use a mirror.

I am welcoming suggestions for placement and also suggestions for design, if anyone is artistically inclined or knows of a good website, I would be very grateful.

The telephone appointment

I had my phone consultation with Dr L yesterday. It was my post-IVF appointment. When we finally got on the phone together (there was a huge mess of him calling the wrong numbers, being late, thinking I was a no show in the office) the first thing he said was "do you have any questions?" I wanted to say WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? but bursting into tears didn't seem like my smartest option so I said Not really cause I wanted him to direct the appointment.

So he told me that he usually goes over the chart and then will tell me what would be done differently next time. He is pretty sure I overstimulated. Even though I didn't get OHSS (because I really listened and obeyed the prevention advice), I had way too many eggs mature. He said that what happens is that the bad quality eggs get too excited and join the party when they really shouldn't. So he started telling me how my next cycle would be changed. I said "I am going to stop you right there. I have zero intention of doing a full IVF cycle again, it was too hard on me emotionally, financially and physically"

Then he tells me that I have 4 embryos frozen (I guess the 3rd and 4th really kicked it up a notch on that last day cause they thought I would only get to freeze 2) 2 are better quality than the other 2 but I do have 4 decent ones. 

So our next step with them is to do a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) on a natural cycle, meaning I will not have to take any meds (which is great for me) because I have a regular 28-30 day cycle. He actually said that for some people a FET is better than a fresh IVF cycle because the meds sometimes overstimulate your uterus and make it TOO thick (I had no idea that was a possibility but he is the expert)

So because we will never have a real answer, I am going with the info that I was overstimulated and it made a whole bad combination. It doesn't make it hurt any less but I am more educated about things now. 

While I am not even close to ready to do the FET yet, we are thinking maybe Spring or Summer for that.

In the meantime, he is rechecking my thyroid to make sure all is well still and I am also getting a Saline Injection Scan (Sonohysterography) which I don't know what it is yet but I will get info.
And when I am ready, I will just call the clinic with my Day 1 for my mock cycle and I will be monitored through that and then the next cycle will be our FET. We have some big decisions to make before then (how many to thaw for transfer) but I am not ready to even think about that yet.

It keeps getting better!

So I got the appointment fiasco handled. No thanks to Dr L's turdbag assistant. I had to call her back since she was ignoring my call and she said she would look into it and call me back.

She called me back finally and informed me that my appointment was a telephone appointment. Dr. L will be phoning me at 2:40 tomorrow afternoon for my appointment. And her tone? Her tone was very condescending like as though I should already know that. I wanted to scream through the phone "REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN YOU LEFT ME A MESSAGE SAYING THAT MY APPOINTMENT WAS DEFINITELY THROUGH THE TELEMEDICINE PROGRAM??????"

So I had to make arrangements for him to call me at work and then make arrangements to find a private area in the department for the appointment. And then I got mad. How freaking personal is that appointment? You can't even face me through a television screen to tell me that I am broken and pretend to be sorry about what happened to me? No, you got my big fat payment so who the hell cares about what happens to me next?

I am so frustrated and I am nervous and feeling a lot of anxiety about this appointment. Or sorry, about this phone call that I have to take in the middle of my work day.

Bullshit.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

That is what the people at the Fertility Clinic SHOULD have said to me as we left after my embryo transfer.

While we were there we were treated fantastically!! Everyone was polite, helpful, hopeful and seemed to really care about us. From the receptionist to the phlebotomists, to the ultrasound technologists, to the nurses and the doctors. Everyone.

But the second I stepped out the door I think they put my chart in a "we already have their money" pile. My after-care was nothing to be desired.

Dr. L got a new assistant and I cannot stand her. I love love love loved his last one., Linda. I loved her. She was fantastic!! I don't know where she went but I wish she never went anywhere. His new assistant never answers her phone, rarely returns messages.

Here is where this is coming from:

On the day of my embryo transfer I was given a date for a post IVF appointment with Dr. L. I informed the nurse that the appointment would have to be done through the Teleconference appointment. She said no problem.

Normally I receive a letter from the teleconference program confirming my appointment. When there was no letter last week, I called Dr. L's twatwaffle assistant and, of course, left her a message. She called back to say it was definitely booked as teleconference and I should be receiving a letter to confirm. Today? Still no letter and the appointment is on Friday. So I call the teleconference co-ordinator at our hospital. She has no record of an appointment for me. None.

FOR FUCK SAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I call the douchenozzle and again leave her a message. She did not call me back. I am pissed and Dr. L is going to hear about this.