Life has been a whirlwind lately. Work has been absolutely nuts leaving me exhausted. I was sick for a week and my training for a half marathon has fallen way way behind and I need a new kick in the ass to get me going again cause I am feeling like a sloth these days.
On top of being crazy busy, I am also feeling crazy sad and while I am doing some counseling, I really don't feel like talking to her about it. It sucks. The reason I am doing counseling is to be able to open up to someone about all of this but yet I don't feel comfortable enough in front of the counselor to break down and really talk about things. I also feel like because I am on auto shut down at all times she thinks that I am fine and strong and that she probably wonders why I am even going to counseling. I am dreading my next appointment because I have been feeling so down lately.
I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I am not in party mode with my young, childless friends and I am not planning playdates with my friends and their children. I am stuck in my basement under my blanket crying all alone. I don't even want to talk to D about it but he knows something is not right. I don't hug him or kiss him anymore. I don't say I love you. And sex? Well let's just say the last time we had sex was in 2010.
::sigh::
Friday, February 25, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The ABCs of Me
Yep I am bored so I stole this from Buckin.
(A) Age: 29
(B) Bed Size: Double and I wish for a King every single day but we need to do some minor renos before that can happen
(C) Chore You Hate: Cleaning the bathroom
(D) Dogs? Roxy. My cute and sweet little mixed breed with anxiety issues and a face that melts my heart daily.
(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Shower
(F) Favorite Color: Red, purple, pink
(G) Gold or Silver? White gold
(H) Height: 5'7
(I) Instruments You Play: I am currently taking guitar lessons so stay tuned (no pun intended)
(J) Job Title: Diagnostic Imaging Clerk
(K) Kids: None yet. I have lost 2 babies to early miscarriage.
(L) Live: Ontario, Canada
(M) Mom's Name: This is a weird question. I won't even say my husband's name on here. My mom's name is Mom
(N) Nicknames: Dee (it's short for my name)
(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Yes. Tonisilectomy & Adnoidectomy when I was a kid and Appendectomy & bowel resection when I was a teen.
(P) Pet Peeve: Loud chewing noises and people who feeeeelll theee needdd to spelllll with a buuunchhhh of needlessss exxxxxtra letttersssss
(Q) Quote from a Movie: From my all time fave MY GIRL
Weeping willow with your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown
Is it because he left you one day
Is it because he could not stay
On your branches he would sing
Do you long for the happiness that day would bring
He found shelter in your shade
You thought his smile would never fade
Weeping willow stop your tears
There is something to calm you fears
You think that death has ripped you apart
But I know he'll always be in your heart
(R) Right or Left Handed? Right
(S) Siblings: 2 older sisters
(T) Time You Wake Up? During the week, 6:45am
(U) Underwear: yeah, I wear em.
(V) Vegetable You Dislike: I can't think of one!
(W) What Makes You Run Late: Can't find anything to wear
(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: OH boy. Maybe I will just give you the one where something what actually broken? My Collarbone. When you play sports you get injuries so I have had a few xrays in my life.
(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Spaghetti sauce. YUMMMM and homemade soup
(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Elephant.
(A) Age: 29
(B) Bed Size: Double and I wish for a King every single day but we need to do some minor renos before that can happen
(C) Chore You Hate: Cleaning the bathroom
(D) Dogs? Roxy. My cute and sweet little mixed breed with anxiety issues and a face that melts my heart daily.
(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Shower
(F) Favorite Color: Red, purple, pink
(G) Gold or Silver? White gold
(H) Height: 5'7
(I) Instruments You Play: I am currently taking guitar lessons so stay tuned (no pun intended)
(J) Job Title: Diagnostic Imaging Clerk
(K) Kids: None yet. I have lost 2 babies to early miscarriage.
(L) Live: Ontario, Canada
(M) Mom's Name: This is a weird question. I won't even say my husband's name on here. My mom's name is Mom
(N) Nicknames: Dee (it's short for my name)
(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Yes. Tonisilectomy & Adnoidectomy when I was a kid and Appendectomy & bowel resection when I was a teen.
(P) Pet Peeve: Loud chewing noises and people who feeeeelll theee needdd to spelllll with a buuunchhhh of needlessss exxxxxtra letttersssss
(Q) Quote from a Movie: From my all time fave MY GIRL
Weeping willow with your tears running down
Why do you always weep and frown
Is it because he left you one day
Is it because he could not stay
On your branches he would sing
Do you long for the happiness that day would bring
He found shelter in your shade
You thought his smile would never fade
Weeping willow stop your tears
There is something to calm you fears
You think that death has ripped you apart
But I know he'll always be in your heart
(R) Right or Left Handed? Right
(S) Siblings: 2 older sisters
(T) Time You Wake Up? During the week, 6:45am
(U) Underwear: yeah, I wear em.
(V) Vegetable You Dislike: I can't think of one!
(W) What Makes You Run Late: Can't find anything to wear
(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: OH boy. Maybe I will just give you the one where something what actually broken? My Collarbone. When you play sports you get injuries so I have had a few xrays in my life.
(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Spaghetti sauce. YUMMMM and homemade soup
(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: Elephant.
Seeing the counselor
I almost didn't go. I almost turned around on the way there. When I had a bit of trouble finding the place, I almost just went home.
But I did. I saw the counselor. I didn't break down and cry, I stopped myself. I think the most difficult part will be opening up and letting go a little more. I was still very stiff and didn't release that much 'real' emotions with the whole thing.
It was good though and she is getting me a book to help with the emotional aspect after miscarriage. We focused more on that than the IF.
Not sure what else to write.
But I did. I saw the counselor. I didn't break down and cry, I stopped myself. I think the most difficult part will be opening up and letting go a little more. I was still very stiff and didn't release that much 'real' emotions with the whole thing.
It was good though and she is getting me a book to help with the emotional aspect after miscarriage. We focused more on that than the IF.
Not sure what else to write.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Texting
I will preface this by saying that D and I do not celebrate Valentine's Day. I have never believed in it.
Today I am busy, after work I am going to the gym, followed by a 1-hour massage. I will get home around 7pm and D's night shift starts at that time so we will not see each other today. With our schedules, that happens sometimes and it's no big deal.
D texts me this morning:
Happy Valentine's Day
and I reply:
Happy fake holiday to you too
Love is in the air, I tell ya.
Today I am busy, after work I am going to the gym, followed by a 1-hour massage. I will get home around 7pm and D's night shift starts at that time so we will not see each other today. With our schedules, that happens sometimes and it's no big deal.
D texts me this morning:
Happy Valentine's Day
and I reply:
Happy fake holiday to you too
Love is in the air, I tell ya.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Let's Talk About Sex: The Oral Edition
***This blog post contains talk of oral sex and delves deep into a very personal side of my life**
There is about a million different names for the act of fellatio, either male or female.
I am not a big fan of the blow job. I will do it every now and again but it's rare that my poor husband gets a BJ and usually it's just a tiny blip on the foreplay radar. I cannot remember the last time I gave a blow job from beginning to *ahem* end. I have friends who are fans of giving blow jobs because they are not in the mood to have sex. Screw that! If it is a question between sex and a blow job, I am spreading my legs 9 times out of 10. I have even had bets with D where a blow job was the prize and after he won I would say "I don't feel like it, can we just have sex instead?"
But then there is the flip side. D going down on me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot. But I rarely let him do it. It's weird and I have never considered myself a prude but when it comes to this, I am. I worry about the smell, did I shave well enough, is he looking at it? cause it's ugly, it cannot taste good, am I grossing him out in some way?
Evidently, the whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. But when I do relax and let it happen I always wonder why I don't let him go downtown more...... Maybe one day Prudence McPrude will leave my body and I will let go a little.
The of course there is the ever awkward and uncomfortable 69. Has anyone ever really enjoyed this? Honestly? If you are on top you are not only trying to enjoy what is happening to you all the while holding yourself up and working on a task of your own. It's exhausting. I am too busy concentrating on what I am doing in order to enjoy what he is doing. If we are going to engage in oral then I think it's best enjoy if everyone takes their own turn.
There is about a million different names for the act of fellatio, either male or female.
I am not a big fan of the blow job. I will do it every now and again but it's rare that my poor husband gets a BJ and usually it's just a tiny blip on the foreplay radar. I cannot remember the last time I gave a blow job from beginning to *ahem* end. I have friends who are fans of giving blow jobs because they are not in the mood to have sex. Screw that! If it is a question between sex and a blow job, I am spreading my legs 9 times out of 10. I have even had bets with D where a blow job was the prize and after he won I would say "I don't feel like it, can we just have sex instead?"
But then there is the flip side. D going down on me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it. I enjoy it a lot. But I rarely let him do it. It's weird and I have never considered myself a prude but when it comes to this, I am. I worry about the smell, did I shave well enough, is he looking at it? cause it's ugly, it cannot taste good, am I grossing him out in some way?
Evidently, the whole thing makes me very uncomfortable. But when I do relax and let it happen I always wonder why I don't let him go downtown more...... Maybe one day Prudence McPrude will leave my body and I will let go a little.
The of course there is the ever awkward and uncomfortable 69. Has anyone ever really enjoyed this? Honestly? If you are on top you are not only trying to enjoy what is happening to you all the while holding yourself up and working on a task of your own. It's exhausting. I am too busy concentrating on what I am doing in order to enjoy what he is doing. If we are going to engage in oral then I think it's best enjoy if everyone takes their own turn.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A new outlet
I have taken the plunge. Well I mad an appointment to take the plunge.
After a bit of deliberation, I have decided it is time to seek some help for my emotional downfall. I am seeing a counselor. Unfortunately she does not specialize in IF or loss but I hope that having someone to talk to will be a good thing.
This is a major step for me. When I am upset I shut down. I shut everyone out and I hide in a dark place and I don't let anyone in. I don't talk about my feelings. I was raised in a house where I was told to "Suck it up and get over it! Move on!" I was raised by a woman who never talked about her feelings and never encouraged me to talk about mine.
The result? A person who does not deal well with her emotions and whose immediate reaction is to bury them very deep inside.
So Wednesday after work is my first appointment, I have a whole bunch of anxiety about it and hope I have the courage to not blow it off. Cause I do need this.
After a bit of deliberation, I have decided it is time to seek some help for my emotional downfall. I am seeing a counselor. Unfortunately she does not specialize in IF or loss but I hope that having someone to talk to will be a good thing.
This is a major step for me. When I am upset I shut down. I shut everyone out and I hide in a dark place and I don't let anyone in. I don't talk about my feelings. I was raised in a house where I was told to "Suck it up and get over it! Move on!" I was raised by a woman who never talked about her feelings and never encouraged me to talk about mine.
The result? A person who does not deal well with her emotions and whose immediate reaction is to bury them very deep inside.
So Wednesday after work is my first appointment, I have a whole bunch of anxiety about it and hope I have the courage to not blow it off. Cause I do need this.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Baby on Board signs
These have always boggled me. I have always thought they were tacky. Sorry if you have one. Well actually, if you do have one can you explain to me why you have this?
Is it to make other drivers more cautious around you because you have a baby in the car? In which case should I get one that says "No baby here, feel free to hit me at a high speed!!"
Is it to alert the world that the reason you are all over the road is because your baby dropped his or her pacifier? Seriously, I want to know.
On top of my dislike for them, as an Infertile I now view them as bragging. Why not just plaster your van with signs that say "My ute works and yours is defective!!" Wait, you mean to tell me that the sign is not a personal attack on me?
I swear I know how ridiculous I sound yet the feeling remains.
Is it to make other drivers more cautious around you because you have a baby in the car? In which case should I get one that says "No baby here, feel free to hit me at a high speed!!"
Is it to alert the world that the reason you are all over the road is because your baby dropped his or her pacifier? Seriously, I want to know.
On top of my dislike for them, as an Infertile I now view them as bragging. Why not just plaster your van with signs that say "My ute works and yours is defective!!" Wait, you mean to tell me that the sign is not a personal attack on me?
I swear I know how ridiculous I sound yet the feeling remains.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Let's Talk About Sex: The Anal Edition
I am a virgin.
An anal sex virgin. I will die an anal sex virgin.
I always thought I was in the majority with this one. Apparently I am not. My girlfriends and I got to talking about this once and I realized I am almost alone in my ass virginness. Me and my friend L are the only two out of the 7 of us who were talking about it.
I don't judge if that's what you want to do but from the way it has been described to me, I have no desire to have to put so much lube that I may need a beach towel, have a dick shoved up my ass while I bite down on a leather strap or something only to have to feel like I need to take a massive dump during and immediately afterward.
Yeah, no thanks.
I told D if he ever seriously wanted to do it that I would entertain the idea on the one condition that I get to shove a dildo up his ass too so he would know what it felt like. Oddly enough, he has never asked.
An anal sex virgin. I will die an anal sex virgin.
I always thought I was in the majority with this one. Apparently I am not. My girlfriends and I got to talking about this once and I realized I am almost alone in my ass virginness. Me and my friend L are the only two out of the 7 of us who were talking about it.
I don't judge if that's what you want to do but from the way it has been described to me, I have no desire to have to put so much lube that I may need a beach towel, have a dick shoved up my ass while I bite down on a leather strap or something only to have to feel like I need to take a massive dump during and immediately afterward.
Yeah, no thanks.
I told D if he ever seriously wanted to do it that I would entertain the idea on the one condition that I get to shove a dildo up his ass too so he would know what it felt like. Oddly enough, he has never asked.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I love getting mail
Surprise mail? even better!
When it contains a heartfelt letter? SUPERB!
Yesterday I got a gift in the mail from my dear internet friend, Krista. You never expect to meet people online who will forever touch your life in such a special and amazing way, but I did and Krista is one of those amazing people.
A while back she hosted a giveaway on her blog for a necklace that is made by her cousin. She makes these necklaces for people with IF and/or who are dealing with a loss. Unfortunately, Krista and I fall into both of those categories. I didn't win the necklace but thought it was such a beautiful idea and such a great giveaway. The necklaces are made from Oyster Shells and Baby Foot shells(thin delicate shells with a baby's foot imprint in the center) Krista's cousin puts them together for those in need to wear for hope and promise and remembrance.
And yesterday I got my very own Baby Foot necklace and I love love love it. It is a unique and beautiful gift and I got very teary eyed when I read the heartfelt letter and was so touched to receive the necklace. I put it on immediately and all through the day today I would put my hand over top of it and feel the inspiration that came with it.
To Krista, this was a simple gesture to an internet friend but to me, it means the whole world and more.
I took these with my webcam so they are crappy quality.
When it contains a heartfelt letter? SUPERB!
Yesterday I got a gift in the mail from my dear internet friend, Krista. You never expect to meet people online who will forever touch your life in such a special and amazing way, but I did and Krista is one of those amazing people.
A while back she hosted a giveaway on her blog for a necklace that is made by her cousin. She makes these necklaces for people with IF and/or who are dealing with a loss. Unfortunately, Krista and I fall into both of those categories. I didn't win the necklace but thought it was such a beautiful idea and such a great giveaway. The necklaces are made from Oyster Shells and Baby Foot shells(thin delicate shells with a baby's foot imprint in the center) Krista's cousin puts them together for those in need to wear for hope and promise and remembrance.
And yesterday I got my very own Baby Foot necklace and I love love love it. It is a unique and beautiful gift and I got very teary eyed when I read the heartfelt letter and was so touched to receive the necklace. I put it on immediately and all through the day today I would put my hand over top of it and feel the inspiration that came with it.
To Krista, this was a simple gesture to an internet friend but to me, it means the whole world and more.
I took these with my webcam so they are crappy quality.
You can kind of see the imprint of the baby's foot in the smaller shell.
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