It's over

My betas were too low. The bleeding is worse. I am miscarrying again.

I don't have many more words. My heart is broken and I don't know how to put it back together.

Still on the roller coaster.

As I see the end of the track nearing, I figure it is time to let the cat out of the bag and also to explain why I am so cautious about the whole thing.

I got a BFP. I actually got 2 of them. My first pee stick was the only one I had left in the house and of course it was a blue dye test. It must have been on sale cause why in the hell would I buy a blue dye test?

But before I continue, let's backtrack a couple of days. What the hell is this? An episode of How I Met Your Mother???

We all know that I had a bit of spotting and that on Saturday (Christmas Day) it became red.

Well Sunday morning it was full on light bleeding and it was scary. But we found out that vaginal bleeding is a side effect from the Endometrin. So off to google and to TheBump I went to gather some information and I realize that the bleeding is quite common with IVF and Endometrin. Ok, good. I can breathe a little. I even talked to the mother of beautiful twin girls who went through IVF who told me that she bled/spotted for 5 days and that she also experienced some cramps too and that it is all normal.

So I decided that as long as the blood stayed relatively light that I would POAS.

And now we are back to the start of the story. Monday (aka Yesterday) morning. I woke up pretty early and peed in a cup. I was still bleeding but decided I needed to do this. I open my cupboard only to find a blue dye pee stick, the last one. Shit. So I open it up, read the directions (because I haven't already done this a million times) and I dip it into the cup and count 25 seconds (the directions said 20 so I added 5 for luck). Then I took it out, recapped it and waited. To pass the time I read the FAQs in the pamphlet, while looking back at the pee stick every 5 seconds or so. After about 30-45 seconds. The + sign appeared. I waited a little longer and watched it get darker and darker.

Positive.

So I head upstairs and wake up D.
"Good morning. Are you awake?"

"Hi. Not really. Why?"

"Because the test was positive"

His eyes widened and he just grabbed me and held on to me.

Of course, I don't trust the blue test result so I throw on some clothes and head to the pharmacy and buy a 2-pack of FRER. I return home and dip one of the sticks into my pee cup. D and I stare at it and the line starts to show up pretty quickly. POSITIVE.

So now I am cautiously excited and start to relax just a little.

The rest of the day I tried to relax as much as possible, we spent the day with my family. I even squeezed in a nap. The bleeding stayed and the cramps increased and were mainly in my back and ute area and they were not pleasant. They left at certain points of the day but my back was very sore.

So I am cautiously excited. I hope so much that the bleeding and cramping is all normal IVF/Endometrin side effects.

I want to start off my being such a good Mom and providing this little embryo with a nice, thick, warm, happy environment for him or her to grow and thrive for the next 9 months. I want this little tiny embryo to know that I am holding out all hope for him or her to stay with me and to do whatever is necessary to me in order for him or her to be OK.

My betas will be drawn tomorrow, with the results getting back to me from the clinic most likely on Friday. I have everything crossed for a nice high number.



I love you, sweet tiny little Embryo. I love you very much and I will love you forever. Your dad and I are going to come up with a nickname for you and we will talk to you everyday until we get to see your perfect little face in 9 months. You get comfortable and you stay put. You give me everything you can and concentrate on growing and thriving and being healthy. Mama will take whatever you can throw at her with a smile as long as it means that I get to keep you.

This roller coaster can SUCK IT!!!!!

Started more spotting yesterday evening.
I am going insane. Seriously.

Did a bit of research and found out that the Endometrin can cause vaginal bleeding because it irritates the cervix. Let's hope this is what is going on.

So far no cramps or full out bleeding but the spotting is enough to make me cry at a moment's notice. I hate this, I hate this so much. I am up one second and very down the next. I am worried, stressed, afraid to go to the bathroom because of what I might see. I am over-analyzing every little cramp or twinge or gas bubble.

If this was not Christmas time, my beta would have been drawn and resulted by now but I am stuck waiting to be drawn until the 29th and probably won't even have results until the 31st.

Now that I have realized that the spotting is common with Endometrin, I kind of wish that I had POAS today. But I am also petrified of that too.

This roller coasted can SUCK IT

My spot watch 2010

Nothing more.

Just enough, that when paired with a BFN, to cause a major meltdown. It was barely even anything but I convinced myself it was the start of my period.

Here's hoping I was just being a drama queen.

No more

The spotting stopped. It was just the once.

I spent all of last night crying and screaming and now my body is seriously screwing with me.

D is so hopeful still and positive that it breaks my heart. He had a flashlight out staring at the pee stick, which he swore he saw the slightest hint of a line. He doesn't deserve this life because of me. He would make such an amazing father and yet he fell in love with a broken woman.

Trying so hard to keep the false hope away, my heart can't take it anymore. 

Numb

I had some spotting today and my HPT was a Big FUCKING negative.

I am pretty sure we are out. I am pretty sure that we wasted 15,000 dollars for fuck all. I am pretty sure that I went through hell physically and emotionally for nothing.

Optimism and Superstition

My ever adorable husband and his infinite wisdom and optimism and superstitions. I love him.

A while back (a couple of years) he kept telling me how he was repeatedly seeing the number 11 and it was starting to creep him out. Everytime he looked at the clock, it was 11 past the hour. If he was watching a hockey game and liked a player, he was number 11, cost of things he would pay for had the number 11 in it. He even started playing the lottery and choosing the number 11 thinking it was a sign.

I just shook my head.

Then the 11s evolved to 9/11. He started seeing this combination everywhere. All. the. time.

So last night he tells me that he has been thinking about how he would see the number 11 all the time. And I said 'yeah?' and he said, maybe the sign that I wasn't getting was that we were going to have our baby in 2011. Then he pointed out that he was also seeing 9/11 everywhere, to which he pointed out to me that my EDD would be Sept 1, 2011: The 9th month, the 2011th year 9/11 (this is how we put it in Canada.. I think that other places it is 11/9?)

Freaky and hopeful? Yes if you are superstitious. I thought it was interesting.

Then there was tonight. Tonight when DH went to pay for dinner he paid with his debit card. When the tip option came up, he chose to have the machine calculate it by percentage. He chose 15%, the machine calculated it. The tip amount? $9.11.

Now that is effing freaky.


Tomorrow is Thursday, I might POAS. Maybe.

Miserable me

I am miserable.

This weekend I felt pretty good. My bloating went down significantly and I actually fit into my jeans. YAY.
Well, it was short lived. On Sunday I felt like crap, I was tired, my bloating came back with a vengeance, my back hurt, I felt icky and I was a bear.

My impatience has taken over and I just want an answer NOW. Pregnant or not. I want to know if I should embrace those "symptoms" with a wide smile or if I should want to hurl myself from the nearest roof top. Either way, I just want an answer. Because if I am feeling this way because I am pregnant then at least there is a reason and I know I will be so thrilled to have symptoms and side effects but as of now they are just there, annoying me.

There is no way that I will make it to my beta bloodwork. Absolutely no way.  And let me explain why:

My bloodwork SHOULD be done on Dec 23-24 (by my own calculations) but since the clinic closes on Dec 23rd, they put my beta draw to be done on the next day that they open: Dec 29th. That's fine. The problem is that I do not live in the city where the clinic is so I will not be doing my bloodwork there. That's also fine. There are labs where I live.

Problem? The lab where I live does not do the Beta HCG tests in-house and they get shipped to a town an hour and a half away. They do ship them every afternoon at 1pm. This means that the results will most likely not be back and ready to be faxed on the 29th before the clinic closes at 4pm. So I would get my results the next day right? WRONG! The clinic is closed on the 30th. Because they are starting a new round of patients to be monitored, they are only open every 2nd day for those patients.

So the very earliest I would get my results is Dec 31. This is frustrating to say the least. Frustrating to the point that I cannot make it another 2 weeks before I have an answer.

So, I have 90% decided that I am going to POAS this week. I don't know if it will be Thursday or Friday or Saturday or Sunday but I will be peeing on something!

I don't know how it works with AF after doing an IVF cycle. I am due to get in on Wednesday but with all of the hormones and shit I have pumped through my body in the past 2 months, who knows what the hell is going on in there.

Thursday is 14 days past egg retrieval (aka 14DPO) so that would be the earliest I will test at home.

Can I just go to sleep and wake up where there is an answer? Kthanks.

Scrooge's Christmas post

There will be no tree in my house for the 2nd year in a row.

There is really no point. Last year we were in Cuba and got home just in time for Christmas and since Cuba was our gift to each other there was really no point in putting a tree up so we didn't.

This year we are not doing gifts again because IVF cost too much. We don't buy gifts on my side of the family so we have 7 gifts wrapped and leaning against the wall. I don't feel like putting up a tree so we are skipping it again this year.

First of all, D is working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day from 7am-7pm. On Christmas Day I will be with my parents and sister volunteering serving a free Christmas lunch to those less fortunate and alone on Christmas. This lunch was started by my Pepere and I spent every Christmas as a kid doing this with him. I hadn't gone back since he died but we started again last year and I can't wait to do it again. Then we are having Christmas dinner at SIL's and on Boxing Day my other sister, BIL and nieces and nephew will be arriving and since the festivities will all be at my mom's house there is again, no point in putting up a tree in the house.

So there you have it. My Christmas decorations and tree were put back in their box in 2008 and have stayed there since.

While I am a Scrooge, I am very much looking forward to spending time with my family, playing games and there is a strong potential for a horse drawn sleigh ride!! Don't worry, I will post pics and you can all cringe at the amount of snow we have here.


I have a feeling that if IVF was successful, my Christmas attitude might change. Well, I will work on it.

Days 29 & 30 of 30 days

Day 29 - A picture of what you were for Halloween.

I already whored this picture out but I loved my costume this year so I will do it again!
Dee as Rocky Balboa:

 












Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

My cousin Patrick (Patt) who was taken from us much too soon. 

 

And my Pepere. A man who I miss everyday. (seen here with my Memere and my nieces)

 

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Well this post could go on forever. I am a chicken shit. 

The dark:

Clowns. Thanks to Pennywise in It. FFS he is terrifying. 

 

I was also going to add snakes and spiders to the list but just searching for google images made me too creeped out.

 

I miss my dog

The countdown has begun until I get to go home. 2 more sleeps.

A lot of people don't understand the connection that someone has with their dog. My connection with Roxy is unreal. I truly believe that Roxy and I were meant to be from the second that I laid eyes on her.

How Roxy came into my life:

I was about 21 or 22 years old. I was just out of school and still living at home with my parents but was planning on moving out in a few months. My parents already had a dog, the family's Golden retriever, Riley.  (seen here with Roxy)

I got word of a puppy being given away. She was a few months old and I didn't even see a picture of her, all I knew was that she was about 4 months old and was black and brown but suddenly I needed to have this dog. So I went home to talk to my parents about it. Since I was still under their roof for a few more months, I needed their OK to bring another dog in their house.

I begged. I pleaded. I even lied and told them that if I didn't take her, they were going to put her to sleep. I begged some more. I promised that she would be gone with me in just a few months. Finally, my dad gave in and they agreed.

So the next day I went to meet the dog, named Roxanne. The house was pretty shady. The lady came out and called out "Melissa...ROXANNE" My immediate thought was that Melissa was the daughter. Then suddenly a scraggly looking white dog came running towards the house. My immediate thought was that I did not want that dog. But then within seconds I spotted Roxanne. She was adorable. I knelt to the ground and she came running right into my arms.

The lady was stunned. "You are the 4th person to come and see her and so far she was afraid of everyone else and wouldn't even go near them"

From that moment, Roxy and I were meant to be. She picked me just as much as I picked her. Of course, I shortened her name from Roxanne to Roxy.

Since that day the longest I have been away from her has been a week, when I go on vacation. It is hard and I miss her so much while I am gone but our reunion when I return is wonderful.

I think about Roxy everyday. I miss her so much. I have been away from her for 2 weeks and 3 days so far and it is hard. Only 2 more days until I can hug her and snuggle her and kiss her. I cannot wait.

Day 27 of 30 Days

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

How about a picture of my whole family? My sisters and I with my parents. 

Day 26 of 30 Days

Day 26 - A picture of you last year and now.

Last year (December in Cuba):

 This year (last weekend at the hockey game):

 

Day 25 of 30 Days

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

Since I am still quite tender, my day will mostly consist of me resting playing online and watching tv. Exciting, I know.

Day 24 of 30 Days

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

This is too vague. Something I could change about myself? About the world?

I guess I will just choose. I would love to eliminate all of the hate in the world. 
 

Egg retrieval done.

This is just a copy and paste from what I posted on BOTB and T-TTC. I am too drugged and groggy to type something new.


Egg retrieval was today.
I am pretty dopey and loopy and groggy right now but I wanted to come and update.
The procedure was relatively fast but very painful. I was hoping the meds would knock me out but they did not. I even cried at one point from the pain then I got embarrassed about crying. 
I am very crampy and in pain right now, just laying on the pull out couch in front of the tv, drifting in and out of conciousness.

And now for the big news. How many eggs did they retrieve?

::drumroll::


25.  
25 eggs!!! Of course not all will be mature and not all will fertilize but what an amazing number

What to do with myself today?

I have no meds to take, no injections to inject. I don't have to be at the clinic, no ultrasounds, no bloodwork, no meetings with the doctor or nurses.

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval. I took my trigger shot last night and the only thing on my IVF agenda today is to sit and stir. And I will sit and stir. I probably will have trouble sleeping tonight in anticipation for tomorrow.

We have to be at the clinic at 7:30 and the egg retrieval will be at 8:30.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

Is this really happening?

Day 23 of 30 Days

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

If I was home I would take a picture of my copy but since I am not at home here is a google image of my favorite book of all time. I love this book and read it once a year or so. 

 

Day 22 of 30 Days

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Singing. I am an awful singer. I always envy people who can sing. I always wish I had a nice singing voice. I am not shy by any means and would have no problem standing in front of a crowd belting out some tunes but alas, I keep my singing in the shower. (and on stage at the local watering hole on some drunken nights as seen in the picture above)

Day 21 of 30 Days

Day 21 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.

Well.... my husband. 

 

An IVF Update

For those who are keeping score and not following my Video Blog.

So I am still here in the city where the Fertility Center is. I am in week 2 of being here. I am quite homesick and I miss Roxy terribly. But we are rounding into the homestretch and I know why I am here so I am just trying to focus on staying positive and preparing for what is coming.

The side effects have all hit at once. Suddenly I am crampy, constipated, bloated, irritable beyond belief (D was here for 10 minutes and was annoying me already), bitchy, tender breasts, nauseous, dizzy, forgetful and confused. It's not that much fun to be honest LOL

We were supposed to trigger tonight with the ER to be on Tuesday but I am not quite there yet. Looks like it will be a Monday trigger and a Wednesday ER (it's only a 1-day bump)

So at some point today or tomorrow we are going to get our Christmas shopping done so that will be a task because D hates to be at the Mall and the shopping we are doing is all for his family. (we don't buy gifts on my side) Plus trying to stay on a very tight budget will be a challenge to say the least. I anticipate me experiencing some rage. LOL

Day 20 of 30 Days

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Since I already put Africa in as the thing to do before I die, I will change the answer for this one. Africa is still #1 though. 

 

Greece

 

Day 19 od 30 Days

Day 19 - Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play.

1- Letting Go - Sean Kingston feat Nicky Minaj
2- We R Who We R - Ke$ha   (the spelling is Kesha's not mine)
3- I Love Myself Today - Bif Naked
4- BodyBounce - Kardinall Offishall
5- Angel - Akon feat Davd Guetta
6-  Only Girl (in the world) - Rihanna
7- All or Nothing - Theory of a Deadman
8- Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z & Alicia Keys
9- Caught Up - Usher
10- Living on a Prayer - Bon Jovi



 

Day 18 of 30 Days

Day 18 - A picture of your favourite actress.

Not only do we share a birthday, but Julia Roberts is my favorite actress and has been for many many years. 

 

Day 17 of 30 Days

Day 17 - Nicknames you have.

So at the moment the only nickname I have is Dee. 
Let's go over the nicknames I have had in my life. 

As a kid my aunts and uncles called me 'Yan' and I hated it. 

My pepere always referred to me as 'Mouche a Merde' (translation: Shit Fly)  :) It is not as mean as it sounds, it's because I was always around and loved to be around him so he said I hung around like a shit fly.


As a pre-teen I was known as Beaner.  

When my niece was born she couldn't pronounce my name properly so she called me 'Dan-uh'

I think that's about it. 

 

The tough decision

When D and I signed our consent forms for IVF, we signed that the maximum number of embryos we could transfer would be 2. I am very ok with that choice. I would never ever want to transfer more than 2.

But now we have to make the decision of "how many do we transfer?" 2 or 1.

It is a tough choice to make. If we transfer 2 and they both implant then we have twins. We are prepared for twins. It wouldn't be that horrible. It would be a blessing. The problem is that my OBGYN is an hour and a half away. And in the event of PTL or something, sometimes you don't have an hour and a half and that is terrifying.

On the other hand. Are we spending all of this money, time and am I going through all of this process to only transfer one and take our chances that if that one doesn't implant then we are done?

I have a lot stacked in my favor. My eggs are good and after yesterday I learned that I have a lot of them. My uterus is good, D has good sperm, I am young and healthy. we are lucky that the blocked tube is our only fertility problem (who ever thought I would refer to our Trouble TTC as 'lucky'??) but we are better off then a lot of couple who are dealing with 2 or more problems combined.

I am leaning more towards transferring just 1. If we make it to a 5 day transfer we will definitely only be doing 1. If we do a 3 day transfer I am torn over whether or not I want to do 1 or 2.

It's a tough choice. Once D gets here we will be having serious talks about this.

Of course there are a million more factors weighing on me on this topic.

Day 16 of 30 Days

Day 16 - A picture of your favourite food.

Yummy, I love fried rice.