Not to make you Americans jealous or anything but we have a long weekend coming up. Monday is the holiday. Normally this means nothing for me because our department is open on holidays but this weekend is a special weekend.
Every year we go to D's family cottage. MIL has 13 brothers and sisters, and of course they all have kids and those kids have kids and so on and so forth. So it is like a family reunion every year. The little tiny town where the cottage is hosts a whole bunch of events for the weekend including a fastball tournament, which the men in the family play in.
D looks forward to this weekend every year. So tomorrow I have groceries to do and have to get ready and then I will head out to the cottage at some point. I will be there until Tuesday at the earliest since my schedule worked out to give me a full week off. WOOOHOOO.
I am hoping to catch some rays, watch some good baseball, have some drinks, swim, eat, go for pontoon boat rides and just relax.
I shall return with stories and pictures next week. Try not to miss me too much.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Today I am happy
It's been a while but today I am happy for no good reason. I am just in a good mood. D's cousin made it back safely from Alberta and is officially an Ontario resident again- YAY!
D left early for the cottage with said cousin, I will meet them there for the long weekend on Friday along with the rest of the giant massive family. I hope it's nice out because I plan to catch some rays, float around in the river with a beer and relax.
That's really all I had to say. I have been such a Debbie Downer lately so I thought I would post that I am in a good mood.
D left early for the cottage with said cousin, I will meet them there for the long weekend on Friday along with the rest of the giant massive family. I hope it's nice out because I plan to catch some rays, float around in the river with a beer and relax.
That's really all I had to say. I have been such a Debbie Downer lately so I thought I would post that I am in a good mood.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Being unsure
I have been mulling over in my head for the past few days about our TTC plans. Do I want to go on and try for 2 more cycles before I see the RE? Would I rather just take it easy and wait until I see the RE?
The questions swirling around in my head. Here is my thought process. If we stop "trying" meaning I stop temping, we have sex when we feel like it and not when we have to.
D & I talked about it. He is open to doing whatever I want to do though he did say he thinks I need an emotional break and he even suggested that I speak to someone because I am literally at a point where I cry whenever we talk about it. So today, I lay there naked after sex (it was about 10-15 minutes after sex) crying. D joked "It's not a good thing when you cry after I have sex with you" LOL. We came to no conclusions but I think for now I will keep temping, I will not stress myself out over when we need to have sex or not and if we do have sex on fertile days then great, if we don't that will be OK too because at least there is a plan to look forward to. It is not the end, we will see Dr. L in a month and we will have a plan from there.
Oh, and how do you like the new look? I like to play around with the new blogger templates. I might make seasonal changes, this one seemed kind of summery with the grass.
The questions swirling around in my head. Here is my thought process. If we stop "trying" meaning I stop temping, we have sex when we feel like it and not when we have to.
- Am I wasting 2 cycles when I could maybe get pregnant?
- I am already worried about the RE laughing me out of the appointment so if I keep going for 2 more months then that will make it more visible that something is wrong (I know this makes no sense)
- Would I really be able to stop. Even if I don't temp, I will still be aware of what CD it is and be aware of my CM. So really... I woud have some idea.
- I want to keep temping because I want to be able to bring my charts to the RE and show him that yes, I do ovulate on my own.
- I am emotionally drained. Emotionally exhausted and I think I need a little break because depending on what happens with the RE, I might be on an even more emotional ride.
- Can I handle 2 more months of disappointment when AF shows in the emotional state that I am in?
- How can I stop trying? It's have been almost 2 years of this, it's like I don't know anything else.
- There is that glimmer of hope that maybe I will get pregnant and I can cancel the RE.
D & I talked about it. He is open to doing whatever I want to do though he did say he thinks I need an emotional break and he even suggested that I speak to someone because I am literally at a point where I cry whenever we talk about it. So today, I lay there naked after sex (it was about 10-15 minutes after sex) crying. D joked "It's not a good thing when you cry after I have sex with you" LOL. We came to no conclusions but I think for now I will keep temping, I will not stress myself out over when we need to have sex or not and if we do have sex on fertile days then great, if we don't that will be OK too because at least there is a plan to look forward to. It is not the end, we will see Dr. L in a month and we will have a plan from there.
Oh, and how do you like the new look? I like to play around with the new blogger templates. I might make seasonal changes, this one seemed kind of summery with the grass.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
7 years later...
On July 25, 2003 D and I started dating. The story is in this blog post if you are so interested. Otherwise I thought I would just toot D's horn a little bit and then post a bunch of pictures of us throughout the years.
I am married to a wondferful man, a man who loves me very much. A man who takes care of me when I am sick, when I am sad and makes me laugh every day. A man who pisses me off, a man who make me a better person. A man who loves to party and knows how to party. A man who is an amazing uncle and who will be an amazing father. A man who looks past my faults and loves me anyway. A man who makes me feel beautiful, smart and wanted. A man who I can smile with, cry with, be myself with and love. A man who I could not imagine being without.
July 25, 2003 (a picture of a picture):
I am married to a wondferful man, a man who loves me very much. A man who takes care of me when I am sick, when I am sad and makes me laugh every day. A man who pisses me off, a man who make me a better person. A man who loves to party and knows how to party. A man who is an amazing uncle and who will be an amazing father. A man who looks past my faults and loves me anyway. A man who makes me feel beautiful, smart and wanted. A man who I can smile with, cry with, be myself with and love. A man who I could not imagine being without.
July 25, 2003 (a picture of a picture):
Our trip to Cuba in 2005, Shit, we look young!
One of my staff Christmas parties.
Going to a friend's wedding. 2005 again I think.
Going out for some Boxing Day outdoor activities one Christmas. Apparently it was very bright and sunny that day :)
A fall picnic
Our annual pumpkin carving contests (this may have been the first one)
A trip to a beautiful place on Manitoulin Island
I think this was one NYE before we left for the cottage
Another wedding
Another pumpkin carving contest (He won HANDS DOWN that year)
Our Stag & Doe party
Our wedding
Our honeymoon
Part of our friends' wedding part in Las Vegas
A night out
Party for my sister
A drunken wedding reception
D's best friend's wedding (he was the best man)
2009 Cuba trip
Winter snowshoeing
D's cousin's wedding
Lobsterfest - YUM
I obviously have no limit to my attention whoring.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
At the Desk
Yes people, it is time for another edition of AT THE DESK. Today's story comes to you from around the corner of the desk and could be called FROM THE LOBBY.
The other day I was sitting, reading my book during my break when 2 young mothers wheel their strollers over to the seats near me. It is 2pm (remember this part it is important).
*The italicized word will symbolize my thoughts of what I am witnessing
The mothers are eating cheesies and chatting. The one baby in the stroller is reaching her arms out for a cheesie. Mother of the year hands her one and says "Yeah, I guess you would be hungry since I haven't fed you since this morning" Um, it's 2pm and this poor toddler has only had breakfast and now she is having cheesies for lunch? FFS
I am trying to ignore these people because frankly I want to steal their babies and take proper care of them and their presence alone is heart breaking to me because why do these young single girls get babies and I don't?
So the toddler begins to squirm and wiggle and whine because she wants out of her stroller. Then when the mother undoes the safety straps the kid says "SHIT!"
The mother laughs and then proceeds to say this to her friend "I don't know why she says that! I never say that, I only say the F-word. I have no idea where she picked up the S-word because I seriously never say it, I say the F-word all of the time but never the S-word. Weird eh? Did you hear her just say it when I undid her straps?"
At this point it was time for me to go back to work. Gladly.
The other day I was sitting, reading my book during my break when 2 young mothers wheel their strollers over to the seats near me. It is 2pm (remember this part it is important).
*The italicized word will symbolize my thoughts of what I am witnessing
The mothers are eating cheesies and chatting. The one baby in the stroller is reaching her arms out for a cheesie. Mother of the year hands her one and says "Yeah, I guess you would be hungry since I haven't fed you since this morning" Um, it's 2pm and this poor toddler has only had breakfast and now she is having cheesies for lunch? FFS
I am trying to ignore these people because frankly I want to steal their babies and take proper care of them and their presence alone is heart breaking to me because why do these young single girls get babies and I don't?
So the toddler begins to squirm and wiggle and whine because she wants out of her stroller. Then when the mother undoes the safety straps the kid says "SHIT!"
The mother laughs and then proceeds to say this to her friend "I don't know why she says that! I never say that, I only say the F-word. I have no idea where she picked up the S-word because I seriously never say it, I say the F-word all of the time but never the S-word. Weird eh? Did you hear her just say it when I undid her straps?"
At this point it was time for me to go back to work. Gladly.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Before I hit rock bottom
I know, I know my blog posts have been a whine fest. If I have even 1 reader left I would be shocked. But I find it easy to release my emotions and my feelings here. So if you still follow me please stick around and just choose to ignore my Debbie Downer posts when I have them.
The way I have been feeling lately has not been good. I have been in a self pity, quiet, sad and depressed state. I felt bad talking to D about it because I was worried about what he would think of me for feeling so selfish, I am not that kind of person. Plus sometimes when I am sad or upset I shut down. I have gotten better in recent years but as a defense mechanism when I am sad I shut down and keep to myself. It's not good but it's the way I was raised. You are sad? Suck it up and move on!
I couldn't take it anymore. D noticed that I had been quiet and withdrawn and I am sure he figured out why. So I decided that I needed to talk. So I let him read my blog post about why I am so upset. Things are catching up to me.
He informed me that he had a feeling that is why I was upset then he said "you know, when L told you she was pregnant and I heard you scream (from joy) through the open window, I knew what it must be and my heart sank too"
This was the first time that D has ever expressed his feelings about our fertility issues to me. I knew it must bother him but he has always just been my rock. Been there to hold me while I cried, been there to listen to me vent, tell me it will be OK, drive me to all of my appointments. He is a great man and he loves me so much.
I asked why he didn't tell me how he felt and he said that he didn't want me to think poorly of him. Then he said "exactly why you probably didn't want to tell me"
Then of course I started to cry. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed. It's a tricky thing to be in a situation where you have fertility issues. D has no problems in that area, he actually has "a lot of sperm" and they are healthy and good swimmers. I am the problem. I know it is not my fault, I know there is nothing I did to end up like this. But it is a hard thing to know that the problem lies with you. I worry that I will never be able to give D a child. I told him that "if it wasn't for me you coudl have 20 babies by now!" and beign the amazing man that he is he replied with "I don't want 1 baby unless it is with you"
::sigh::
An amazing woman that I met on BOTB and who is now my facebook friend shared this link. It is an article that describes what an infertile couple deals with and why they choose to be secretive about it. The article spoke to me so much. I often wonder where I fit in. I hate to call myself "infertile" because we were able to get pregnant on our own. And I do have a good cycle and 1 good tube. You will notice that I mostly use the term "trouble TTC" or "infertility issues" This article help me to realize that I am not alone in the way I feel. Sometimes I have thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person but it is nice to know that I am not a complete monster and I am not the only one who feels that way.
If you are interested, here is the link. It is a long article but well worth the read if you deal with IF or if you have ever wondered what it is like.
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility
Thank you to my dear, brave friend who chose to speak out about her infertility and share this link. B, you are incredibly brave and strong even though you probably don't feel like it every day. I look to you as an inspiration. I still choose to keep our struggle hidden and it's people like you who motivate me to get even an inch closer to coming clean.
The way I have been feeling lately has not been good. I have been in a self pity, quiet, sad and depressed state. I felt bad talking to D about it because I was worried about what he would think of me for feeling so selfish, I am not that kind of person. Plus sometimes when I am sad or upset I shut down. I have gotten better in recent years but as a defense mechanism when I am sad I shut down and keep to myself. It's not good but it's the way I was raised. You are sad? Suck it up and move on!
I couldn't take it anymore. D noticed that I had been quiet and withdrawn and I am sure he figured out why. So I decided that I needed to talk. So I let him read my blog post about why I am so upset. Things are catching up to me.
He informed me that he had a feeling that is why I was upset then he said "you know, when L told you she was pregnant and I heard you scream (from joy) through the open window, I knew what it must be and my heart sank too"
This was the first time that D has ever expressed his feelings about our fertility issues to me. I knew it must bother him but he has always just been my rock. Been there to hold me while I cried, been there to listen to me vent, tell me it will be OK, drive me to all of my appointments. He is a great man and he loves me so much.
I asked why he didn't tell me how he felt and he said that he didn't want me to think poorly of him. Then he said "exactly why you probably didn't want to tell me"
Then of course I started to cry. I told him that I didn't want him to be disappointed. It's a tricky thing to be in a situation where you have fertility issues. D has no problems in that area, he actually has "a lot of sperm" and they are healthy and good swimmers. I am the problem. I know it is not my fault, I know there is nothing I did to end up like this. But it is a hard thing to know that the problem lies with you. I worry that I will never be able to give D a child. I told him that "if it wasn't for me you coudl have 20 babies by now!" and beign the amazing man that he is he replied with "I don't want 1 baby unless it is with you"
::sigh::
An amazing woman that I met on BOTB and who is now my facebook friend shared this link. It is an article that describes what an infertile couple deals with and why they choose to be secretive about it. The article spoke to me so much. I often wonder where I fit in. I hate to call myself "infertile" because we were able to get pregnant on our own. And I do have a good cycle and 1 good tube. You will notice that I mostly use the term "trouble TTC" or "infertility issues" This article help me to realize that I am not alone in the way I feel. Sometimes I have thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person but it is nice to know that I am not a complete monster and I am not the only one who feels that way.
If you are interested, here is the link. It is a long article but well worth the read if you deal with IF or if you have ever wondered what it is like.
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility
Thank you to my dear, brave friend who chose to speak out about her infertility and share this link. B, you are incredibly brave and strong even though you probably don't feel like it every day. I look to you as an inspiration. I still choose to keep our struggle hidden and it's people like you who motivate me to get even an inch closer to coming clean.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Buckin is pregnant!
And the only way I could be happier was if I was pregnant too!
This woman has struggled with losses and IF and I marvel at her strength and her willingness to take things one day at a time and to stay positive and hopeful in the face of everything negative that has happened to her.
Buckin, you are an inspiration to me as a woman with fertility challenges and I couldn't be happier for you!!!!!
Her blog: Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers
This woman has struggled with losses and IF and I marvel at her strength and her willingness to take things one day at a time and to stay positive and hopeful in the face of everything negative that has happened to her.
Buckin, you are an inspiration to me as a woman with fertility challenges and I couldn't be happier for you!!!!!
Her blog: Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Finding the silver lining
This funk that I am in just needs to stop! I need to pull myself out of it, see the silver lining and look forward. Things just keep happening to push me down deeper though and I am trying to claw my way back.
Most people would tell me to get the hell off of the baby boards and focus on things IRL. Truth is even though I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with babies online, it is easier to talk to them than people IRL. Most of those women can relate to me and if they can't personally relate, they know someone who has struggled. I don't have anyone IRL like that. Yes, my BFF dealt with a loss so we really leaned on each other through all of that but none of them get IF or T-TTC.
Yesterday my silver lining was knowing that I still had 2 more cycles before seeing the RE that we could TTC and hope for a miracle. But then we found out that D will most likely be OOT for my fertile window (I didn't tell him that, I support this trip he is going on and I don't want him to feel guilty about it) He is flying to Alberta to drive back to Ontario with his cousin who will be moving home.
New silver lining? 1 more cycle before the RE. We are busy in August so the RE appointment will get here sooner. If I don't have sex during my fertile window then I can't get upset when AF shows up.
Those are sorry silver linings but it's what I have to hold on to right now.
Also, I think I have diagnosed myself. Remember when I had my HSG and it took the doctor forever (20 minutes is forever in digging-in-my-vagina time) to get through my cervix due to scarring from my LEEP in 2008? I have decided that that is the problem. D's sperm, while they are many and strong, cannot get through the steel wall that my cervix has built in protest after being cut, scraped and maimed. I can't believe I never thought of that before. It is making this all the more clear to me to prepare myself to the thought of an IUI. What do you think of that thought???
A picture is worth a thousand words, right?
Most people would tell me to get the hell off of the baby boards and focus on things IRL. Truth is even though I am surrounded by pregnant women and women with babies online, it is easier to talk to them than people IRL. Most of those women can relate to me and if they can't personally relate, they know someone who has struggled. I don't have anyone IRL like that. Yes, my BFF dealt with a loss so we really leaned on each other through all of that but none of them get IF or T-TTC.
Yesterday my silver lining was knowing that I still had 2 more cycles before seeing the RE that we could TTC and hope for a miracle. But then we found out that D will most likely be OOT for my fertile window (I didn't tell him that, I support this trip he is going on and I don't want him to feel guilty about it) He is flying to Alberta to drive back to Ontario with his cousin who will be moving home.
New silver lining? 1 more cycle before the RE. We are busy in August so the RE appointment will get here sooner. If I don't have sex during my fertile window then I can't get upset when AF shows up.
Those are sorry silver linings but it's what I have to hold on to right now.
Also, I think I have diagnosed myself. Remember when I had my HSG and it took the doctor forever (20 minutes is forever in digging-in-my-vagina time) to get through my cervix due to scarring from my LEEP in 2008? I have decided that that is the problem. D's sperm, while they are many and strong, cannot get through the steel wall that my cervix has built in protest after being cut, scraped and maimed. I can't believe I never thought of that before. It is making this all the more clear to me to prepare myself to the thought of an IUI. What do you think of that thought???
A picture is worth a thousand words, right?
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
This makes me happy!
A while back my sister and BIL decided to let my niece have a facebook account. She is 10 and while that is probably a little young for being on facebook, they have very specific rules including she is not allowed to accept one friend without consulting with them first and they also have 100% access to her account. Plus they monitor the time she spends online anyway.
This worked out for me because that means that her and I can chat online every now and again. Today was one of those days. She asked me if I was working tomorrow and I said yes, why? She said her dad was heading here to do some business stuff and if I was off she was going to come with him to spend some time with me. YAY!
So I told her to come and I would take the day off. (I was able to switch some things around at work) Then I talked with my sister and arranged for my nephew to come too! I am so excited about this. I usually make the trip to visit them about once a month but things have been crazy and I haven't seen them since May 28th and I am NOT ok with that and who knows when I will be able to see them again.
They will only be here for a very very quick visit but I will take any time that I get with them.
I am so excited. They are 10 and 7.
Sadly, my sister and other niece are both working and won't be able to make the quick trip but I will take what I can get.
This worked out for me because that means that her and I can chat online every now and again. Today was one of those days. She asked me if I was working tomorrow and I said yes, why? She said her dad was heading here to do some business stuff and if I was off she was going to come with him to spend some time with me. YAY!
So I told her to come and I would take the day off. (I was able to switch some things around at work) Then I talked with my sister and arranged for my nephew to come too! I am so excited about this. I usually make the trip to visit them about once a month but things have been crazy and I haven't seen them since May 28th and I am NOT ok with that and who knows when I will be able to see them again.
They will only be here for a very very quick visit but I will take any time that I get with them.
I am so excited. They are 10 and 7.
Here is Hailey with D when we were in Cuba
And a picture of Matthew by himself (also from Cuba)
Sadly, my sister and other niece are both working and won't be able to make the quick trip but I will take what I can get.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I have never drank my feelings.....until last night
Yesterday my best friend told me she is pregnant.
I am over the moon happy for them. They are keeping it very very quiet right now because they also experienced a loss but we are very close and I would have been able to tell something was up so she told us. She was scared to tell me because she knows that there is that moment of "happy for you but sad for myself" but I didn't have that sad for myself moment until later(I will get to that). They deserve this baby and I hope that this is their sticky baby. She will be having an early ultrasound and I hope hope hope hope there is a nice solid heartbeat so that she can relax and start to enjoy this pregnancy.
So last night we went out. I did not want to go out, I wanted to stay home and relax and not be hungover today. But against my better judgment I decided to go and have a good time. I played beer pong and drank a lot. I got very very drunk. Good thing I am a happy drunk because that could have got very emotionally messy.
As I was getting ready my emotions hit me. I have 2 best friends. I have a third close friend who I don't get to see as often because she is doing her Med school residency and has a crazy schedule. The first best friend and I started to TTC around the same time. She had a baby in September. The 2nd best friend is the one who told me about her pregnancy yesterday. And the third friend is also expecting. D's best friend and his wife (also another close friend) are expecting as well.
Don't get me wrong. I am over the moon happy and excited for all of my friends, they deserve all of the happiness and I am excited to have new nieces and nephews. I am genuinely very happy for them.
But then I look at myself and wonder what I did wrong to deserve this fate. I feel like I am being left behind and I worry that if this doesn't happen for me then I am going to drift away from my closest friends because our lives will be in different places. My friendships are important to me and I am so afraid of losing these wonderful people in my life all because my stupid body doesn't function properly.
I feel like a horrible person for acting this selfish. It really has nothing to do with any unhappiness towards my friends and their amazing news. I just wonder why me. And that is a horrible way to be but when you want something so badly and you see everyone else getting it, you tend to wonder why it isn't happening for you.
Is it September 1st yet?
I am over the moon happy for them. They are keeping it very very quiet right now because they also experienced a loss but we are very close and I would have been able to tell something was up so she told us. She was scared to tell me because she knows that there is that moment of "happy for you but sad for myself" but I didn't have that sad for myself moment until later(I will get to that). They deserve this baby and I hope that this is their sticky baby. She will be having an early ultrasound and I hope hope hope hope there is a nice solid heartbeat so that she can relax and start to enjoy this pregnancy.
So last night we went out. I did not want to go out, I wanted to stay home and relax and not be hungover today. But against my better judgment I decided to go and have a good time. I played beer pong and drank a lot. I got very very drunk. Good thing I am a happy drunk because that could have got very emotionally messy.
As I was getting ready my emotions hit me. I have 2 best friends. I have a third close friend who I don't get to see as often because she is doing her Med school residency and has a crazy schedule. The first best friend and I started to TTC around the same time. She had a baby in September. The 2nd best friend is the one who told me about her pregnancy yesterday. And the third friend is also expecting. D's best friend and his wife (also another close friend) are expecting as well.
Don't get me wrong. I am over the moon happy and excited for all of my friends, they deserve all of the happiness and I am excited to have new nieces and nephews. I am genuinely very happy for them.
But then I look at myself and wonder what I did wrong to deserve this fate. I feel like I am being left behind and I worry that if this doesn't happen for me then I am going to drift away from my closest friends because our lives will be in different places. My friendships are important to me and I am so afraid of losing these wonderful people in my life all because my stupid body doesn't function properly.
I feel like a horrible person for acting this selfish. It really has nothing to do with any unhappiness towards my friends and their amazing news. I just wonder why me. And that is a horrible way to be but when you want something so badly and you see everyone else getting it, you tend to wonder why it isn't happening for you.
Is it September 1st yet?
Friday, July 16, 2010
The appointment is booked!
When I thought "I will feel better when I know when my appointment is" I was wrong. I feel more nervous now but the wheels are moving and I am happy for that.
So when I found out that my referral went out to a certain clinic I went online and found all of the doctors that worked there and then looked them up online to see what kind of reviews they each got.
Some of the doctors were listed as OBGYNs with a specialty in fertility, some were listed as Endocrinologists. The reviews were mixed for the most part. Then I came to review Dr. L. He was listed as an RE and all of his reviews were great!! I immediately hoped that I would be referred to him.
I made the decision to wait until Friday (the referral was sent on Monday) and if I hadn't heard from them then I would call. So I called this morning and left a message on the voicemail.
When we got home from doing groceries I checked the messaged and heard: "Hello Dee, this is Linda from Dr. L's office........" I almost did a kartwheel I was so frigin excited!!! I got the doctor that I wanted. That has to be a good omen right???
When I got a hold of her again she scheduled the appointment for September 1st at 9am. And she scheduled it as a teleconference so I don't have to travel the 6-7 hours for the appointment and can do it right at our hospital.
I am not trying to patiently wait for September 1st. Thankfully summer always flies by!!
So when I found out that my referral went out to a certain clinic I went online and found all of the doctors that worked there and then looked them up online to see what kind of reviews they each got.
Some of the doctors were listed as OBGYNs with a specialty in fertility, some were listed as Endocrinologists. The reviews were mixed for the most part. Then I came to review Dr. L. He was listed as an RE and all of his reviews were great!! I immediately hoped that I would be referred to him.
I made the decision to wait until Friday (the referral was sent on Monday) and if I hadn't heard from them then I would call. So I called this morning and left a message on the voicemail.
When we got home from doing groceries I checked the messaged and heard: "Hello Dee, this is Linda from Dr. L's office........" I almost did a kartwheel I was so frigin excited!!! I got the doctor that I wanted. That has to be a good omen right???
When I got a hold of her again she scheduled the appointment for September 1st at 9am. And she scheduled it as a teleconference so I don't have to travel the 6-7 hours for the appointment and can do it right at our hospital.
I am not trying to patiently wait for September 1st. Thankfully summer always flies by!!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Completely out of context: my bachelorette party
I thought about writing a D & D Love Story today but instead I shall write about my bachelorette party. I am being nostalgic.
When a friend of mine got engaged she has a bachelorette party, a wedding shower and a Stag & Doe (this is a party for both the bride and groom and is made to raise money for them to help pay for the wedding. I have also heard them referred to as a Jack & Jill and Buck & Doe)
I found all of this to be very excessive. Firstly I don't really believe in wedding showers. I think they are gift grabby and silly. Why would you have a shower for an event that you will get gifts for anyway? I understand why people have them and I don't shame them or judge them for that but personally I did not want one. So when I got engaged I told the wedding party that if they wanted to do something we would like a Stag & Doe. That way all of our friends and family could get together before the wedding and party together! It is expensive to throw a party so I also offered to help with the costs and the work of it all. My thought was that it is mine and D's choice to get married so why should everyone else go broke?
We had our Stag & Doe and it was great! We had so much fun and raised a ton of money! Everyone had a great time. My sisters did an amazing job throwing the party! A couple of pictures for fun:
My bridesmaids & I with our custom made t-shirts
The guys with their t-shirts:
My girlfriends and I trying to take a group shot but my BIL had to get in on it:
OK... Now back to the reason of this blog post. My bachelorette party. After the Stag & Doe I was overwhelmed with how much people did for us. I thought that it was way too much and I thanked everyone profusely and FORBID them to have anything else for us pre-wedding.
The wedding was coming up in November (2007) and I had to make a trip out of town in September for some final wedding shopping. When I go to visit my sisters I have to make the plans in advance because my nieces and nephew are very involved in sports and extra curriculars and they have a crazy busy schedule so I have to make sure that they have time for my visit.
I planned this visit for the end of September and D would not be joining me. Little did I know, my sisters had the bachelorette party in the works.
The day we went shopping my sister, N said that she had got called in to work at her second job and was couldn't come shopping. I was very upset and hurt because I had been looking forward to this but I get that wedding shopping is not everyone's favorite thing to do. So my sister K and I got my final shopping done.
When we returned back to her house, N was already there to meet up with us for dinner. I entered the house to see a bunch of food on the table and was surprised by my girlfriends (who all had to travel from out of town to get there) I bawled my eyes out and couldn't believe it!!!
Also joining us were a few of my sisters friends. I was shocked and excited and overwhelmed.
The plan? First we got a private lap dance lesson, then a limo came to pick us up to take us out bar hopping. I, of course, had to wear some ridiculous things and had a list of things to get done by the end of the night. It was a great night and I still smile when I think about it.
Me and my amazing sisters who orchestrated the whole thing:
The group:
Lap dance lesson (one of the more tame pictures):
We also had to get on top of the bar and have a dance off with another bachelorette party!
I likes me some victory shooters
When a friend of mine got engaged she has a bachelorette party, a wedding shower and a Stag & Doe (this is a party for both the bride and groom and is made to raise money for them to help pay for the wedding. I have also heard them referred to as a Jack & Jill and Buck & Doe)
I found all of this to be very excessive. Firstly I don't really believe in wedding showers. I think they are gift grabby and silly. Why would you have a shower for an event that you will get gifts for anyway? I understand why people have them and I don't shame them or judge them for that but personally I did not want one. So when I got engaged I told the wedding party that if they wanted to do something we would like a Stag & Doe. That way all of our friends and family could get together before the wedding and party together! It is expensive to throw a party so I also offered to help with the costs and the work of it all. My thought was that it is mine and D's choice to get married so why should everyone else go broke?
We had our Stag & Doe and it was great! We had so much fun and raised a ton of money! Everyone had a great time. My sisters did an amazing job throwing the party! A couple of pictures for fun:
My bridesmaids & I with our custom made t-shirts
The guys with their t-shirts:
My girlfriends and I trying to take a group shot but my BIL had to get in on it:
OK... Now back to the reason of this blog post. My bachelorette party. After the Stag & Doe I was overwhelmed with how much people did for us. I thought that it was way too much and I thanked everyone profusely and FORBID them to have anything else for us pre-wedding.
The wedding was coming up in November (2007) and I had to make a trip out of town in September for some final wedding shopping. When I go to visit my sisters I have to make the plans in advance because my nieces and nephew are very involved in sports and extra curriculars and they have a crazy busy schedule so I have to make sure that they have time for my visit.
I planned this visit for the end of September and D would not be joining me. Little did I know, my sisters had the bachelorette party in the works.
The day we went shopping my sister, N said that she had got called in to work at her second job and was couldn't come shopping. I was very upset and hurt because I had been looking forward to this but I get that wedding shopping is not everyone's favorite thing to do. So my sister K and I got my final shopping done.
When we returned back to her house, N was already there to meet up with us for dinner. I entered the house to see a bunch of food on the table and was surprised by my girlfriends (who all had to travel from out of town to get there) I bawled my eyes out and couldn't believe it!!!
Also joining us were a few of my sisters friends. I was shocked and excited and overwhelmed.
The plan? First we got a private lap dance lesson, then a limo came to pick us up to take us out bar hopping. I, of course, had to wear some ridiculous things and had a list of things to get done by the end of the night. It was a great night and I still smile when I think about it.
Me and my amazing sisters who orchestrated the whole thing:
The group:
Lap dance lesson (one of the more tame pictures):
I likes me some victory shooters
And a penis straw for fun :)
Monday, July 12, 2010
I decided to take the reins!
So far I have been sitting back and letting Dr. R decide what is best for me and DH as we TTC. He is clearly not a fertility specialist and while I have much respect for him and plan to keep him on as my OBGYN I knew it was time for me to move from him to an RE.
The straw that broke the camel's back? When he told me to relax for the summer and not think about TTC so much and then if I am not pregnant by September then he would start me on Clomid. This would be unmonitored and while I probably would have done it, I think that would have been the wrong choice.
So last week I called to see if he would refer me to a fertility clinic. His secretary told me I would need to make an appointment. So, again, I sat back and let someone else dictate for me.
Today, I pulled my balls out of my purse and I called back and said "Listen bitch! You tell Dr. R that I want a referral and I want it now!"
Ok, so maybe I exxagerated that a bit......
Here is what really happened. I pulled my balls out of my purse and called and said "I was just wondering if you could possibly pull my chart for Dr. R, tell him I am requesting a referral to a fertility clinic and see if he will fax it for me? It is a long drive for me to see him and I was just there a couple of weeks ago. If he still wants to see me in person I will keep my appointment in 2 weeks but this would save me some trouble. Thanks"
She said she would call me back.
So I waited. And then D called me at work to say that he went into the bathroom and the phone rang, there was a message saying that yes he would send the referral today and she just needed to know which clinic I would prefer (since they are both a hefty drive) I chose the clinic that they deal with the most since I had done a shitload of research on the weekend and even printed out the medical history forms and filled them out.
So there you have it boys and girls. This girl is moving on to see an RE!
I am excited, nervous, happy and anxious to see what the next step will be but I am happy with my decision to take the reins and move on to an RE. I am very thankful for Dr. R and all of the tests and help he has given me but his scope only goes so far.
The straw that broke the camel's back? When he told me to relax for the summer and not think about TTC so much and then if I am not pregnant by September then he would start me on Clomid. This would be unmonitored and while I probably would have done it, I think that would have been the wrong choice.
So last week I called to see if he would refer me to a fertility clinic. His secretary told me I would need to make an appointment. So, again, I sat back and let someone else dictate for me.
Today, I pulled my balls out of my purse and I called back and said "Listen bitch! You tell Dr. R that I want a referral and I want it now!"
Ok, so maybe I exxagerated that a bit......
Here is what really happened. I pulled my balls out of my purse and called and said "I was just wondering if you could possibly pull my chart for Dr. R, tell him I am requesting a referral to a fertility clinic and see if he will fax it for me? It is a long drive for me to see him and I was just there a couple of weeks ago. If he still wants to see me in person I will keep my appointment in 2 weeks but this would save me some trouble. Thanks"
She said she would call me back.
So I waited. And then D called me at work to say that he went into the bathroom and the phone rang, there was a message saying that yes he would send the referral today and she just needed to know which clinic I would prefer (since they are both a hefty drive) I chose the clinic that they deal with the most since I had done a shitload of research on the weekend and even printed out the medical history forms and filled them out.
So there you have it boys and girls. This girl is moving on to see an RE!
I am excited, nervous, happy and anxious to see what the next step will be but I am happy with my decision to take the reins and move on to an RE. I am very thankful for Dr. R and all of the tests and help he has given me but his scope only goes so far.
Ok, I will admit it
After the spotting stopped I thought to myself "could that have been implantation bleeding?"
Yes, the thought was very short lived as I imagined the WTF that would be heard round the world if I was pregnant on a cycle where we only had sex once and I have no idea when I ovulated.
But I admit it, yes, the thought did cross my mind.
Here's one for ya! 2 weeks ago my dad was telling me how this guy who he has had business dealings with (this guy owns a tractor, plow, kind of deal and has done some snow removal, dig holes kind of stuff for my dad) is now dating a young girl who used to date a cousin of mine. I imagine that they have been dating since spring maybe.
Ok, that's great for them.
Well last night one of the first things my dad decides to tell me about these 2 people that I barely know is: "Hey, you know T?? Well he knocked up K!!! He is so excited, he was just beaming yesterday saying he was going to be a dad. They just found out on Friday"
I sat there for at least 30 minutes trying to fight back the tears. The welled up in my eyes a few times but I was able to choke them back.
For fuck sakes, dad, what on earth makes you think that I want to hear that news? Seriously???
That was the cherry on top to complete my day yesterday that was filled with pregnant women, babies and finding out about accidental pregnancies.
Yes, the thought was very short lived as I imagined the WTF that would be heard round the world if I was pregnant on a cycle where we only had sex once and I have no idea when I ovulated.
But I admit it, yes, the thought did cross my mind.
Here's one for ya! 2 weeks ago my dad was telling me how this guy who he has had business dealings with (this guy owns a tractor, plow, kind of deal and has done some snow removal, dig holes kind of stuff for my dad) is now dating a young girl who used to date a cousin of mine. I imagine that they have been dating since spring maybe.
Ok, that's great for them.
Well last night one of the first things my dad decides to tell me about these 2 people that I barely know is: "Hey, you know T?? Well he knocked up K!!! He is so excited, he was just beaming yesterday saying he was going to be a dad. They just found out on Friday"
I sat there for at least 30 minutes trying to fight back the tears. The welled up in my eyes a few times but I was able to choke them back.
For fuck sakes, dad, what on earth makes you think that I want to hear that news? Seriously???
That was the cherry on top to complete my day yesterday that was filled with pregnant women, babies and finding out about accidental pregnancies.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Well then, this is weird
Woke up this morning. It is CD 24. The only sign that AF is coming is my sore boobs for the last couple of days. Nothing else to hint that she is soon approaching. (no cramping, no bloating)
I went for a pee. Nothing on the paper.
I had breakfast, checked facebook, played farmville & frontierville (yes I am a big huge loser) then went for a poop. Suddenly it looks like AF is here. WTF?!?!
It's a touch more than spotting but not significant enough to say that it is light flow.
And while I welcome her so I can start a new cycle, I am confused as to why she is here so fucking early. Maybe I actually did ovulate on CD12? Or maybe she has decided that now is a good time to fuck with me. Maybe this is just spotting.
I hate her.
Confession time? even though I am pretty positive that this cycle was a bust anyway (considering we only had sex once on CD11) I am still really bummed that I am not pregnant.
Also? I have done some research and discovered that the fertility clinic that I will most likely be referred to does telephone consultations! YIPPEE!!!!! This saves us a bunch of travel time and money!!! If they do video conferencing I would be a happy happy woman! Downfall? It's about a 2 month wait time to get an appointment.
I went for a pee. Nothing on the paper.
I had breakfast, checked facebook, played farmville & frontierville (yes I am a big huge loser) then went for a poop. Suddenly it looks like AF is here. WTF?!?!
It's a touch more than spotting but not significant enough to say that it is light flow.
And while I welcome her so I can start a new cycle, I am confused as to why she is here so fucking early. Maybe I actually did ovulate on CD12? Or maybe she has decided that now is a good time to fuck with me. Maybe this is just spotting.
I hate her.
Confession time? even though I am pretty positive that this cycle was a bust anyway (considering we only had sex once on CD11) I am still really bummed that I am not pregnant.
Also? I have done some research and discovered that the fertility clinic that I will most likely be referred to does telephone consultations! YIPPEE!!!!! This saves us a bunch of travel time and money!!! If they do video conferencing I would be a happy happy woman! Downfall? It's about a 2 month wait time to get an appointment.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
At the Desk
It has been a while since anything blgo worthy has happened at my job. But the other day I had a little something happen so I present the return of "Today at the Desk" (only it didn't happen today)
A young punk comes to my desk to register, he is here to have stitches removed from his forehead. (I am curious as to what happened there)
He looks like one of those kids who does nothing for himself, thinks all authority figures are stupid and is just a straight up jerk. He is all by himself so I assume that he is not slow or mentally challenged. He has an air about him that basically says "Fuck you, world!!" I envision him on future episodes of Maury being paternity tested.
He is 14 years old.
He comes up to register and informs me that he doesn not have his health card or hospital card. No problem, I can alsways find him in the system by name and date of birth.
What is your last name? He tells me his first name but I don't correct him because maybe he has a first name as a last name like a lot of people (including me)
What is your first name? He mumbles something that sounds like it might start with an L so I ask him to repeat the last name, again he mumbles. At this point I want to scream "Listen you little bastard, this whole process would go a lot quicker if you pulled your head out of your ass and the marbles out of your mouth!" but instead I take the high road and ask him to spell the last name. To this, he replies. "I don't know how"
The look on my face must have been priceless.
Once I get his last name figured out (I typed in only an L with the first name) I ask his DATE OF BIRTH. He gives me the year after some serious thinking and saying 'ummm....uhhhh' It is even more of a struggle to get the month and day out of him but finally I find him in the sysem.
I wondered if I should feel sorry for him or give him the side eye. After reviewing all of the evidence, I chose SIDE EYE!
And so does Sophia Patrillo!
A young punk comes to my desk to register, he is here to have stitches removed from his forehead. (I am curious as to what happened there)
He looks like one of those kids who does nothing for himself, thinks all authority figures are stupid and is just a straight up jerk. He is all by himself so I assume that he is not slow or mentally challenged. He has an air about him that basically says "Fuck you, world!!" I envision him on future episodes of Maury being paternity tested.
He is 14 years old.
He comes up to register and informs me that he doesn not have his health card or hospital card. No problem, I can alsways find him in the system by name and date of birth.
What is your last name? He tells me his first name but I don't correct him because maybe he has a first name as a last name like a lot of people (including me)
What is your first name? He mumbles something that sounds like it might start with an L so I ask him to repeat the last name, again he mumbles. At this point I want to scream "Listen you little bastard, this whole process would go a lot quicker if you pulled your head out of your ass and the marbles out of your mouth!" but instead I take the high road and ask him to spell the last name. To this, he replies. "I don't know how"
The look on my face must have been priceless.
Once I get his last name figured out (I typed in only an L with the first name) I ask his DATE OF BIRTH. He gives me the year after some serious thinking and saying 'ummm....uhhhh' It is even more of a struggle to get the month and day out of him but finally I find him in the sysem.
I wondered if I should feel sorry for him or give him the side eye. After reviewing all of the evidence, I chose SIDE EYE!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
What day is it? Where am I?
The past few days have been a whirlwind. We have been back and forth and up and down and round and round.
Starting Sunday we headed straight to D's aunt's house. While we were there I suggested that D stay with his cousin to be with him through the grief of losing his dad. I said that I would come back to pick him up the following day after I was done work. I also suggested that he take Monday night off and I would pack him a bag and bring it to him. He decided to come home to work though.
Then tuesday we headed back to Aunt B's house (they live in a town about an hour away). That night was the wake. It was very sad and we stayed until the very end to be there with the family. D has been amazing and just been spending time with his cousins just to be there for them (especially with A-they are very very close) so that night we stayed with A until about 1am. I was exhausted and told D if he wanted to stay with him that I would go to the hotel alone and come and get him in the morning. But he chose to come back to the hotel since it would be a long day the next day with the funeral and all.
Yesterday was the funeral. The very nice service but heartbreaking funeral. After which a bunch of friends and family got together at A's brother's house. At some point in the afternoon D said that he would stay the night with A. They are heading to the cottage today for the night. So I came home last night, I have a bunch of stuff to do today and then I have to go to the cottage tonight for the night and then D & I will head back tomorrow. It is going to be very very hard leaving A tomorrow. He will head back home (which is out of province) in the next few days. He is heart broken about this and plans to come back home ASAP.
I told D that when A does decide to come home that we will fly him out and he can drive back with him. It is ridonculously expensive to fly throughout Canada but I said we would make it work because when we suggested it to A, he was so happy and thankful for the offer.
MIL and D keep thanking me for being so great throughout all of this but I really don't see what I have done. Yes, I have encouraged D to be with his cousin and I have done whatever I can to help out at Aunt B's with food and cleaning and what not but I feel like those are just natural instincts and I am not doing anything special. I wish there was more that I could do but unfortunately we now have to move on to life without Uncle Steve.
Starting Sunday we headed straight to D's aunt's house. While we were there I suggested that D stay with his cousin to be with him through the grief of losing his dad. I said that I would come back to pick him up the following day after I was done work. I also suggested that he take Monday night off and I would pack him a bag and bring it to him. He decided to come home to work though.
Then tuesday we headed back to Aunt B's house (they live in a town about an hour away). That night was the wake. It was very sad and we stayed until the very end to be there with the family. D has been amazing and just been spending time with his cousins just to be there for them (especially with A-they are very very close) so that night we stayed with A until about 1am. I was exhausted and told D if he wanted to stay with him that I would go to the hotel alone and come and get him in the morning. But he chose to come back to the hotel since it would be a long day the next day with the funeral and all.
Yesterday was the funeral. The very nice service but heartbreaking funeral. After which a bunch of friends and family got together at A's brother's house. At some point in the afternoon D said that he would stay the night with A. They are heading to the cottage today for the night. So I came home last night, I have a bunch of stuff to do today and then I have to go to the cottage tonight for the night and then D & I will head back tomorrow. It is going to be very very hard leaving A tomorrow. He will head back home (which is out of province) in the next few days. He is heart broken about this and plans to come back home ASAP.
I told D that when A does decide to come home that we will fly him out and he can drive back with him. It is ridonculously expensive to fly throughout Canada but I said we would make it work because when we suggested it to A, he was so happy and thankful for the offer.
MIL and D keep thanking me for being so great throughout all of this but I really don't see what I have done. Yes, I have encouraged D to be with his cousin and I have done whatever I can to help out at Aunt B's with food and cleaning and what not but I feel like those are just natural instincts and I am not doing anything special. I wish there was more that I could do but unfortunately we now have to move on to life without Uncle Steve.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
A TTC update
We are about 80% out this cycle. The reason I say 80% is because there is a miniscule chance (actually probably less that 20%) that I ovulated on CD 12. My temps and my CM suggest otherwise but since I stopped temping on CD 15, there is no way to tell! The reason I stopped temping on CD15 is that we went to the cottage and I forgot to bring my BBT and also, I was drinking so the temp would not have meant a thing. Also, with the big fight that occurred last week, DH and I had sex on CD11 only. I tried to get some action this weekend but he felt too weird about disappearing from the group to go bump uglies in the bush. I MARRIED A PRUDE!!
If you are that interested in looking at a sad incomplete chart then here you go: CLICK
Now, the reason that I doubt that I O'ed so early on CD 12 despite the CM and temps is because I often get a dip in temps before I actually O anyway, according to previous charts. But my over obsessive mind wonders: Maybe I actually do O really early each time and we miss the window because I figure that we should save up the sperm around CD11-13 and then start having sex.
Other than that small curious obsession, I have to say the little unscheduled break has been good for my brain. It will not be good when my period shows up and sends me into another meltdown because we wasted a cycle and that is yet another cycle to add on to the number of cycles that we have been TTC. But for now I am enjoying not temping at 6am and analyzing my temps and my phantom symptoms.
If you are that interested in looking at a sad incomplete chart then here you go: CLICK
Now, the reason that I doubt that I O'ed so early on CD 12 despite the CM and temps is because I often get a dip in temps before I actually O anyway, according to previous charts. But my over obsessive mind wonders: Maybe I actually do O really early each time and we miss the window because I figure that we should save up the sperm around CD11-13 and then start having sex.
Other than that small curious obsession, I have to say the little unscheduled break has been good for my brain. It will not be good when my period shows up and sends me into another meltdown because we wasted a cycle and that is yet another cycle to add on to the number of cycles that we have been TTC. But for now I am enjoying not temping at 6am and analyzing my temps and my phantom symptoms.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Sadness
D's family has just lost another member. D's uncle Steve lost his battle on friday night. In May he had surgery to remove a tumor from his esophagous. The surgery was major and he had a tough battle in the hospital. He was finally able to go home and was home for a few days before he started bleeding profusely through his mouth and nose. They got him stabilized and ended up having to give him 10 units of blood to replenish what he was losing.
He was tranferred back to the hospital where he had his surgery. They looked for the source of the bleed but were not able to find anything. He had a minor heart attack while there but was fighting strong and was improving each day. The bleeding stopped and he even began to wake up and they were going to take his vent out to let him breathe on his own.
Friday morning the bleeding started again and he was not stable enough for them to operate or treat. He tried to fight but his heart was not strong enough and he just wasn't strong enough to pull through again.
My heart hurts for everyone. D and his uncle were very close. They are a close family to begin with and this uncle was one of the closest. His son and D are super close, he even stood in our wedding. It is heart breaking to lose someone else and heart breaking to lose Uncle Steve so young. He was one of the good ones and he will leave a big empty void in the family.
The next few days will consist of family time, food and saying goodbye to a great man. It's not fair and I just have a heard time understanding why these bad things happen. I know there is no explanation but it's confusing how life and death works. Death does not discriminate.
He was tranferred back to the hospital where he had his surgery. They looked for the source of the bleed but were not able to find anything. He had a minor heart attack while there but was fighting strong and was improving each day. The bleeding stopped and he even began to wake up and they were going to take his vent out to let him breathe on his own.
Friday morning the bleeding started again and he was not stable enough for them to operate or treat. He tried to fight but his heart was not strong enough and he just wasn't strong enough to pull through again.
My heart hurts for everyone. D and his uncle were very close. They are a close family to begin with and this uncle was one of the closest. His son and D are super close, he even stood in our wedding. It is heart breaking to lose someone else and heart breaking to lose Uncle Steve so young. He was one of the good ones and he will leave a big empty void in the family.
The next few days will consist of family time, food and saying goodbye to a great man. It's not fair and I just have a heard time understanding why these bad things happen. I know there is no explanation but it's confusing how life and death works. Death does not discriminate.
Friday, July 2, 2010
It's a strange feeling
According to my chart I may have O'ed on CD 12. I am not positive about this but my temp and CM were consistent with this. It just seems really early but you never know.
If that is the case then there is still hope for me but seeing as today is CD 15 it is very likely that I have not ovulated yet and that I will ovulate soon.
So what is the problem? The problem is that I had sex on CD11 (this is great for a CD12 O date) but I have not had sex since and I will not be having sex all weekend.
What the hell are you thinking Dee? This is your fertile window, you should be humping like bunnies! Well, D and I got in that huge fight. Then we did not see much fo each other for a 2 days and I was still mad at him. We finally had a talk last night and while I told him that I would move on from it, that he still hurt me and it would take me a while to get over that.
Ok, so you made up...get busy woman! The problem there is that we went out to watch fireworks with friends last night for Canada Day and didn't get home until late and since I had to get up for work this morning I chose sleep over sex.
What about the weekend? D is leaving this morning and I will join him later at the cottage. We are hosting a bunch of friends there which means no privacy and shared bedrooms in a small cottage. There is the possibility of leaving to go park somewhere for sex but I highly doubt seeing that happen. And to be completely honest with you, D knows that we are missing this fertile time and he is making no effort to rearrange his plans for this.
So, it is a weird feeling. We have been TTC for so long that it is weird to think that there will probably be absolutely no chance for pregnancy this time around. Not that there ever seems to be much chance for that anyway, it's just strange. I might even stop taking my temp but I would like to know if I did O or not, though the drinking at the cottage this weekend will not help my temp anyway.
My plan was for a quickie after work before we headed to the cottage but he is so hell bent on leaving early because he is antsy and can't wait (RIDICULOUS) that I know if I ask him to wait and he shows any sign of resistance that I am going to break down and get upset at him because I am the one who makes all of the sacrifices and efforts in our TTC journey.
::big sigh:: I am a fucking emotional mess.
If that is the case then there is still hope for me but seeing as today is CD 15 it is very likely that I have not ovulated yet and that I will ovulate soon.
So what is the problem? The problem is that I had sex on CD11 (this is great for a CD12 O date) but I have not had sex since and I will not be having sex all weekend.
What the hell are you thinking Dee? This is your fertile window, you should be humping like bunnies! Well, D and I got in that huge fight. Then we did not see much fo each other for a 2 days and I was still mad at him. We finally had a talk last night and while I told him that I would move on from it, that he still hurt me and it would take me a while to get over that.
Ok, so you made up...get busy woman! The problem there is that we went out to watch fireworks with friends last night for Canada Day and didn't get home until late and since I had to get up for work this morning I chose sleep over sex.
What about the weekend? D is leaving this morning and I will join him later at the cottage. We are hosting a bunch of friends there which means no privacy and shared bedrooms in a small cottage. There is the possibility of leaving to go park somewhere for sex but I highly doubt seeing that happen. And to be completely honest with you, D knows that we are missing this fertile time and he is making no effort to rearrange his plans for this.
So, it is a weird feeling. We have been TTC for so long that it is weird to think that there will probably be absolutely no chance for pregnancy this time around. Not that there ever seems to be much chance for that anyway, it's just strange. I might even stop taking my temp but I would like to know if I did O or not, though the drinking at the cottage this weekend will not help my temp anyway.
My plan was for a quickie after work before we headed to the cottage but he is so hell bent on leaving early because he is antsy and can't wait (RIDICULOUS) that I know if I ask him to wait and he shows any sign of resistance that I am going to break down and get upset at him because I am the one who makes all of the sacrifices and efforts in our TTC journey.
::big sigh:: I am a fucking emotional mess.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
I am taking control
Sorry about all of the Debbie Downer posts. But I blog how I feel.
Yesterday was bad. I started thinking about all of the time that has passed and how I am just putting my trust in a doctor that used to care for me. Turns out that a few of the OBs in that town have left and leaving him with too many patients.
I need to see an RE, plain and simple. I need to stop dicking around with this and get some real help from a fertility specialist. Here is what has been stopping me all of this time:
::sigh:: Today is a holiday, HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!! and tomorrow I have to work but I will be taking my breaks and calling around to get a referral to an RE and also to get my file transferred there.
I have a sick feeling about all of this.
Yesterday was bad. I started thinking about all of the time that has passed and how I am just putting my trust in a doctor that used to care for me. Turns out that a few of the OBs in that town have left and leaving him with too many patients.
I need to see an RE, plain and simple. I need to stop dicking around with this and get some real help from a fertility specialist. Here is what has been stopping me all of this time:
- The closest fertility clinic/RE to me is a minimum of 5 hours away. So I can expect a 5-7 hour drive to see one.
- I am doing much research to find out how much OHIP(ontario health care) covers for IF treatments and appointments
- D's benefits don't cover any fertility treatments what so ever
- I got pregnant naturally 1 time and I worry that I will be laughed out of the RE's office.
::sigh:: Today is a holiday, HAPPY CANADA DAY!!!!! and tomorrow I have to work but I will be taking my breaks and calling around to get a referral to an RE and also to get my file transferred there.
I have a sick feeling about all of this.
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