Wrapping up the Olympics the right way!

On the 2nd last day of the Olympics the Canadians had another HUGE day!!

First the men's team pursuit took the gold over the USA in speed skating, it was such a close and exciting race, the funny thing is that if you look at the time, the bronze medalists from Netherlands had the best time! But like D said "they had their best time at the wrong time!"

Then about 5 minutes later Canadian Jasey Jay Anderson was heading down the hill in the Snowboarding giant slalom. It was the 2nd run and he was behind after the first run so he had a delay at the start gate. He raced an amazing race and ended up in the lead and won the GOLD! I actually high-fived D, I was so excited. 2 golds in 5 minutes, I love it!!!

Then the 3rd gold medal of the day came to the Men's curling team. I have developed a new love and understanding for Curling and was impressed by our men's team who went undefeated for the the entire tournament.

And our final medal of the day went to our 4-man bobsleigh team! They got the bronze medal!!

Another HUGE day for Canadian athletes.

Our final medal will come today in hockey, we are hoping for another GOLD but are guaranteed a silver.

!!GO CANADA GO!!

Oh, it's on!

The rivalry of a lifetime continues tomorrow in the Gold medal hockey game.

Canada vs USA

Canada has already fallen to the hands of the Americans in this tournament and I will not accept another defeat!

Tomorrow afternoon countless Canadians and Americans will be glued to their televisions cheering for their respective teams. I will be screaming for our Canadian boys.
 SO EXCITING!!!!

In other Olympic news, yesterday was another huge day for the Canadians.

We got a silver medal in curling, 2 golds and a bronze in speed skating. The men's hockey team advanced to the final and our 4-men bobsleigh teams are in good position after the first 2 runs. Canada 1 is in 2nd place while Canada 2 is in 6th.  I missed the 2nd run but caught a very mad Canada 2 after theirs but a 6th place position is not so bad. Also the men's speed skating team pursuit gold medal race goes today as well with another Canada vs USA match-up.

I am not sure what I will do with my time once the Olympics are over.

!!GO CANADA GO!!

A thank you and more olympic talk

After yesterday and my pity party I wanted to say a big huge thank you to the ladies who listened, sympathised and really gave me some sound advice. I have decided that yes, I am a bitter and whiney bitch but that is my cross to bear and I am working to get through my negative feelings. Someone who feels the need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better is not worth my time or my pain!

Now to the Olympics!! They are on 24/7 in my house, I love watching them and cheering on Canada! Last night the women's hockey team won Gold!!! YAY!!!!!!! Also, Joannie Rochette won a bronze medal in figure skating. A few days ago her mother passed away suddenly from a heart attack, Joannie decided to be courageous and still skate in the Olympics. My heart broke for her a million times and I couldn't imagine having to make that decision. She has a lot of really tough moments ahead of her now that her Olympics are finished and I hope that she is able to cope with the heart ache.

I think I have seen every Canadian medal that was won except for 1 of them. I am crazy for the Olympics and the heart and soul that goes into every event. From the people who built the venues, the volunteers, the coaches, the athletes, the security. I appreciate it all and can't imagine the planning and work that goes in to it.

Canada is guaranteed 2 more medals in Curling as the men and women are both playing in the gold/silver medal match. The men's hockey team faces Slovakia today in the Semi finals, I predict that they will face the US in the gold medal game. Let's hope they do better than a few nights ago when they played them and lost.

!!GO CANADA GO!!

I knew I was sensitive

I knew I was sensitive to anything pregnancy and baby related and I knew that I was bitter but I have hit a new low.

I let a complete internet stranger who has nothing to do with me and just says things to be hurtful get to me. The short story is that this person got flamed for being really really insensitive and really rude. She then changed her screen name to about 4 different things and she keeps coming back to wreak havoc on the message board.

I told the original girl that what she said was uncalled for and very very insensitive and mean. That was it. I stay out of message board drama, I don't get involved.

This morning I was checking out the posts from last night and I came across this one:


Infertile women are some of the most whiny, entitled, annoying, pathetic people on Earth.Women who are "TTC" act as if the world is coming to an end because they can't contribute their fuucked up genes. These infertility blogs are disgustingly self-centered.infertile couples are some of the most annoying, whiny, controlling people I have ever heard of. I ran into a post on some mommy board about a woman who was TTC and had had a miscarriage, all of a sudden no one could talk about babies around her. All of a sudden she was offended at absolutely fuucking everything.These are the worst kind of wannabreeders. I FUUCKING HATE THEM. They suck the medical care system bone dry with their bullshit.


I hate that I have become bitter and overly sensitive. I hate that I am jealous and self centered when it comes to pregnancy. It is not me and I don't like what trouble TTC and a miscarriage has done to me and then I read this and realize that others think this too. Why do I care what some angry person has to say about a "kind" of woman that she doesn't even know. It is people like this who have always gotten everything they want and have no idea what it's like to face a bump in the road. 


I hate that I let her get to me, I hate that I am THAT girl that she is talking about and most of all I hate that she has hurt more than just me and that she has hurt people who are wonderful and caring people who have been dragged through hell and back and are still able to stand up tall and be strong.

What should be vs What is

What today should be: Today I should be celebrating 10 weeks pregnant.

What today is: Today is exactly 1 month to the day since I started miscarrying. Today is also the first day of my first period since my miscarriage.

Today is a down day.

Tic toc tic toc

Waiting.....impatiently for my period.

Here's the deal:

I started bleeding on January 23rd, if I counted that as CD 1 today brings me to CD 31. I know that is not really a long cycle but compared to my 26-29 day cycles, well it still isn't long but this whole not knowing thing blows.

Emotionally, I didn't want to temp because that was just another reminder of my lost pregnancy. So I decided that I would wait until the next period to start temping. So I have no idea if/when I ovulated or when/if the ugly skank is going to show herself.

I know that it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks for your period to return after a miscarriage so I am trying to be patient.

The only symptom that I have is that my breasts are sore. I have no cramping, no spotting (which can start anywhere from 3-6 days before my period on any given cycle)

tic toc

tic toc

tic toc

Last night I asked D how he felt

It has been bothering me for a while that D never really talks about his feelings. The day I started bleeding he had a little cry with me and since then he has just been the best and taking care of me. So I wondered if he wasn't saying anything because he didn't want to upset me?
Yes, he is a man and they are not the greatest with sharing their feelings.

I said "We never talk about how you are feeling about the miscarriage and about our infertility struggle and about the possibility of me going on this fertility drug and what your concerns are."

He basically said that he is sad about the miscarriage but he knows that we didn't do anything wrong and he worries that I am blaming myself. He said that he doesn't want to give up and that he is worried it will happen again.

I asked him how he felt about our infertility struggles? He said that since it happened naturally he is remaining confident that it will happen again but if I do need to go on Clomid that we will have a long list of questions for the doctor. I told him that it took 13 or 25 months to get pregnant naturally (depending how you look at it) 13 months actively TTC - 25 months not using protection.

He is the positive thinker right now, I am trying to get there and I think everyday it gets a little bit better, some days it stays the same or feels bad again but slowly and surely I am healing emotionally.

Feeling very much alone these days

I have been keeping this inside but I am quite sure that I may explode soon if I don't let it out.

I have been feeling very alone lately. I am getting better but still grieving the loss of my pregnancy, while D is amazing and would do anything for me and anything to make me happy I just feel like he is sick of hearing about it or he just doesn't know what to say to me anymore.

He works nights often and then he has hockey and basketball that he does a couple of times a week. Our schedules very rarely meet up and I spend a lot of time here alone with my thoughts. My girlfriends are all busy with their own lives and it is also hard for our schedules to meet up and when they do it is not a time when I can pour my heart out. My sisters live far away and their lives are crazy too. My 1 sister has 2 jobs, 3 kids so getting in a conversation with her is near impossible unless it is via email and even then it takes time for her to respond. My other sister is dealing with her own problems which I will not discuss here.

It sounds extremely selfish of me to be complaining that other people don't have time for me but that is not what I am trying to get at... I am just feeling quite alone these days and it sucks.

The 2010 Winter Olympics opened yesterday

Let me start this off by first expressing my deepest sorrow and sadness for the death of the Gerogian athlete, Nodar Kumaritashvili. It is absolutely tragic that he lost his life at such a young age. I hope that he was in the Luge because he loved it (some countries force their athletes to compete) and that he died doing something that he loved to do. I was sickened by the tragedy but even more sickened by the fact that the video has been played numerous times on the television. People are intrigued by the most disgusting things, I find it extremely inappropriate and sad that people would choose to view a video of someone's death.

I am a big fan of the Olympics. I love the summer Olympics, I love the Winter Olympics. The fact that these Games are being held in Canada is that much sweeter. Though it is not anywhere in Canada that is close to me, I still feel a sense of pride for the Canadian athletes.

I really enjoyed the Opening Ceremony and loved the how artisitic and visual the entire thing was. I am very proud of all of the hard work that went into putting together such a lovely ceremony. I was also very proud to see such amazing Canadian athletes carrying the torch and then passing it on to the Great One to light the cauldron. GO GRETZKY!!!

I am proud to be a Canadian and even more so at times like this.

GO CANADA GO!!!!

Tragedy all around

Yesterday was an awful day.

Another sweet tiny baby passed. Baby Aidan was born early and fought ever second in his 8 days that he was here. Yesterday the fight became too much for him.

Also yesterday in my town, a man and his 12 year old daughter we in a car vs train accident and they both died.

My heart breaks for the families and wonders how they will ever find strength to go on. I wish that I knew something inspiring to say but I don't. Words will not make any of this better and I hope that these families are able to find the strength to get through such impossible tragedies

A blog full of pictures

Since D and I both worked over the weekend today and tomorrow is our weekend.
Today we went snowshoeing. It was a pretty nice day so off we went. It was a great workout and completely exhausted me, I haven't done much physical activity in a while so I was pooped. It was a great day though.

 

In other news, today it has been 2 years since we tragically lost my cousin Patrick(Patt). He was living out of province and working and was in a car accident on his way home from work. He usually slept on the ride home (he carpooled) so he probably didn't even have a clue and was sleeping soundly when it happened, the doctors say he was killed instantly.

His father, my uncle, was in that province looking for work as well when it happened. My aunt was here without her husband to lean on for support. Myself, my 2 sisters and my mom were on a girls trip to Cuba. We didn't find out until 2 days later and we arranged to leave early and made it home to say goodbye to a great person who was taken much much too young.

Patt was an amazing person who had a bit of a troubled adolescence and well on his way to improving his life. He lived every day to the fullest and had a heart and a smile bigger than anyone can ever know. I miss him all the time and send lots of love today to his sister and his 2 nephews and my aunt and uncle (who are more like 2nd parents to me)

I wear this bracelet in his memory. It has his name and the name of his friend who also died in the crash. (the light is shining down and you can kind of see the P)

 

(the last 2 are from my wedding day. The last time I saw him)

My blog is boring

Mainly because my life is boring. I am also dwelling on posting about the same things over and over again.

This is the exact conversation I had with D last night but instead of blog it was my life. I have been slowly starting to feel better, I still have my moments and my meltdowns but slowly I am starting to be able to smile again and leave the house without having an anxiety attack. This is how I deal with things.

Lately though, I feel like people think that enough time has passed so I should be feeling better by now and they expect me to be fine. I am not fine and I don't feel like I should have to justify why I am not fine nor do I feel like I have to pretend that everything is ok to make others feel comfortable.

I don't normally worry about what other people think but I also don't like to be judged and I feel like if I am having a sad day that I am being judged and that it is time to move on and get over it.

I am glad that I told D how I was feeling because part of me wondered if he was thinking that of me too.

2nd post of the day

I woke up feeling decent today, which is a vast improvement. I made a nice blog post about how I was happy about the trade that my fave NHL team did, how I had a nice chat with my BFF.

Then I went to work and my day went from decent to shitty.

First, well let's face it I don't really like my job or the people that I work with and the one person that I do like is off on her maternity leave for a year.

So the coworker that I like shows up today to visit with her brand new baby. This was hard. I had a quick look at him (BTW she gave him the name that D and I have for our phantom baby boy, Cooper) then I got back to work. There were a lot of people fussing over him so it was pretty safe to say that I didn't offend her by my lack of oooing and aaahing. Then she came into our department and my coworker picked him up and held him then she shoved him at me and said 'Here, see how this feels on you!' I held him for a total of about 30 seconds and then gave him back.

Then a few more people came to see him and fuss over him and this is all I kept hearing "Okay, Dee... when is it your turn?!?!?" I mist have heard it about 4-5 times and it felt like a million. It was like taking a bullet everytime and all I wanted to do was say "It will be my turn when my body decides to keep one!" But of course nobody knows what I am dealing with and that would just be rude.
I wish that some people had a better social filter though and didn't ask such bold questions, they have no idea what I am going through.

After she left I called D and cried. It was hard. He informed me that his sister was dropping off our niece to be babysat by us while she went for a massage and that the baby would be here when I got home. Being the amazing man that he is, he offered to go to his sister's house and watch our niece there if I was too uncomfortable. I said no, it is not our niece's fault and I can't ignore her.

Then I foolishly checked the mail on my way in the door. Package #2 of maternity items arrived. One more to go.

I am so done with today!!! SO SO SO DONE

An evening with supostive friends

Last night D convinced me to go over to our best friends' house to watch the hockey game. My favorite NHL player was traded to my favorite team, who are in a major slump right now. It was a huge trade and a big shake up in the league. They also got a new goalie, which they were in desperate need of! As much emotion as I am able to show these days, I was very excited about the trade! My team won 3-0 :):)

The friends that we visited also recently dealt with a loss and I haven't talked to them since my own miscarriage. I actually have avoided contact with everyone. I had a really nice talk with my BFF and it was really nice to have someone to listen and to relate who wasn't trying to out all kinds of positive spins on things because she knows that it wouldn't help. I am very fortunate to have such a great support system and everyone has been so understanding in letting me come to them when I am ready to talk.

I did a bit of Clomid research yesterday, I was (and so were a few people I talked to) confused as to why I would be put on a med that forces ovulation when my body already ovulates. It has something to do with only having 1 good tube. The side effects that really worry me are the increased change of miscarriage because I really don't think I can go through this again and also the increased chance of an ectopic pregnancy, I am insanely terrified to lose the only good tube that I have. Of course, I have a lot more research to do and if we do come to the point where he wants to put me on Clomid, I will have a mile long list of questions for him.

Back from the doctor

I knew it was going to be tough to go to this appointment so I was semi prepared. I arrived to a packed waiting room (as usual) There were only 3 pregnant ladies so that wasn't too bad. I presented at the desk and the receptionist verified my info and then said "you are pregnant?" I said "no, I miscarried" I felt bad because you could tell she felt badly and she apologized but I couldn't get through when I tried to call a few times to inform the office. Either way the appointment was originally a follow up after my HSG anyway so I knew I had to go no mater what.

Within 15 minutes of sitting down the office changed from 3 out of 8 pregnant ladies to 5 out of 8 pregnant ladies. I choked back tears a few times but was able to hold it together. I got called in after about 40 minutes, which is the quickest I have ever been called in at his office.

He was really nice as usual, I really like him and he is worth the 1.5 hour drive and the usual 1-2 hour wait in his office. He told me that his original plan was to start me on Clomid today but since I got pregnant without the aid of meds that maybe we should wait a little while longer. He said he would like us to wait for my next period before we start TTC again and then that will give us 2 more cycles to TTC before I see him again. My appointment is scheduled for May 3 and if I am not pregnant again by that time then I will start Clomid.

So now I am off to do some Clomid research.

Oh yeah! He also showed me the report from my HSG since he wasn't 100% sure about the right tube during the test because he didn't have a clear enough view. Righty is definitely blocked by scar tissue.

I was a little relieved to hear him tell me to wait for my next period before TTC again. I was really on the fence about if I wanted to wait or go ahead so I am glad that he decided it for me.

Today was supposed to be a very different day but I am glad that we have a plan now.

Life as usual resumes today

I go back to work tonight, I am very not ready for this for several reasons.
1- every single person who works at the hospital needs to know everyone else's business and because I took a tiny bit of a sick leave people will be curious and asking questions. I also fear that my MIL who also works at the hospital has spilled the beans about my miscarriage, in which case I do not look forward to the looks of pity on everyone's faces.

2- one of my co-workers gave birth the night before I started bleeding. In fact, when I was leaving the hospital completely devastated and broken, I was informed that the baby was born. While I am happy for her, it was virtually impossible for me to be anything but sad at that moment. Nobody knows that I was even pregnant so it is not anyone's fault and nobody is being insensitive but my wounds are fresh and it hurts

3- I am not going to be my usual peppy self and people will have questions. Questions about why I was off and what is the matter with me. I don't normally lash out at people but I fear that I might say some things that I will regret

4- It never fails that some pregnant crack head will come in for medical attention and I will have to register them and wonder how it is possible for someone who smokes, does drugs and does not take care of themself or the baby is able to carry a child and I couldn't

5- I am supposed to be pregnant right now and excited about my first OB appointment tomorrow, instead I am dreading it. I am supposed to be happy and feeling bloated and sick and not worried about working the night shift and then getting up early to go to the appointment. 

Tomorrow I see my doctor and there is whole other list of reasons that I don't want to do that either.

One day at a time...