I am back home. I decided to go to my sister's earlier than originally planned (my nephew had a hockey tournament this weekend and we were planning the trip for a while). D and I thought it would be a good thing for me to get out of the house and spend some time with my sisters and the kids.
The trip was good, not as great as when I usually go there but I was happy that I made the decision to go. I was in an extreme funk of laying in bed or on the couch all day and crying.
Physically I am much better, no more cramps but a few twinges of pain every now and again, the bleeding has finally stopped so there is no more constant reminder every time I pee, I didn't need that reminder because it is constantly in my brain anyway.
All weekend I was constantly thinking about what SHOULD be happening. We SHOULD have been talking babies and we SHOULD have been looking at baby stuff and I SHOULD have been buying the pregnancy journal that I have had my eye on ever since we started TTC.
I have to go back to work tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that even a little and I go see my OBGYN on Tuesday. The appointment was originally made as a follow up after my HSG test that was done in December, then it was changed to a follow up/first pre-natal appointment and now I have to go sit in the office with all of the pregnant ladies and wait to tell my doctor that yes, we miraculously got pregnant but it didn't last. I SHOULD have been 7 weeks a long at that appointment.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
My body
Not only does my body hate me but it is also exhausting me entirely. D says that my body is going through a lot so it is natural for me to be exhausted.
I have lost a lot of blood, I feel weak and the few people who I have seen said I look pale. I don't really care that much to be honest. I hate my body right now.
Today I am thinking about heading out of town to visit my sisters, we had originally planned to be going there for the weekend anyway and since I am off I might head there early. D would drive me halfway and my sister would come and meet us there. I thought about driving myself but my head is still pretty foggy so I don't think that is the greatest idea for me.
Last night as I slept, I dreamt of a regular day before D and I even lived together. I was eating Chinese food with my family and called him at his parents house to see if he wanted to do something together that night. So simple, so happy. Then I woke up to a nightmare, that is what my life is right now, a nightmare. D wants me to try and move forward and I want to be ready for that too but every time I feel a cramp or see blood I am reminded all over again that I miscarried.
2 months ago my best friend also miscarried, her story is a little different than mine. She went for an ultrasound at 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat and the baby measured abound 7 weeks. She waited to see if her body would pass it naturally but it did not and she ended up having to get a D&C. The fact that this has happened to both of us in such a short amount of time is absolutely unimaginable. We are a terrific support system for each other and I know she would be great to talk to but again, I am shutting down and not really talking to anyone about it. It's too fresh and too painful.
I wonder how some people are able to get over something like this quickly? Am I overly sensitive? Did I want this too much? I think it's because it took us a while and a lot of heart ache to get there so when I did I figured that it could never be taken away.
I have lost a lot of blood, I feel weak and the few people who I have seen said I look pale. I don't really care that much to be honest. I hate my body right now.
Today I am thinking about heading out of town to visit my sisters, we had originally planned to be going there for the weekend anyway and since I am off I might head there early. D would drive me halfway and my sister would come and meet us there. I thought about driving myself but my head is still pretty foggy so I don't think that is the greatest idea for me.
Last night as I slept, I dreamt of a regular day before D and I even lived together. I was eating Chinese food with my family and called him at his parents house to see if he wanted to do something together that night. So simple, so happy. Then I woke up to a nightmare, that is what my life is right now, a nightmare. D wants me to try and move forward and I want to be ready for that too but every time I feel a cramp or see blood I am reminded all over again that I miscarried.
2 months ago my best friend also miscarried, her story is a little different than mine. She went for an ultrasound at 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat and the baby measured abound 7 weeks. She waited to see if her body would pass it naturally but it did not and she ended up having to get a D&C. The fact that this has happened to both of us in such a short amount of time is absolutely unimaginable. We are a terrific support system for each other and I know she would be great to talk to but again, I am shutting down and not really talking to anyone about it. It's too fresh and too painful.
I wonder how some people are able to get over something like this quickly? Am I overly sensitive? Did I want this too much? I think it's because it took us a while and a lot of heart ache to get there so when I did I figured that it could never be taken away.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Anxiety
I am going through emotions like crazy over here. One minute I am mad, then sad, then angry, then I feel like maybe today will be a better day and I can be positive for a minute but that one fades quickly. The feelings that remain a constant though are devastation and anxiety. I know that other people have been through much worse but this is what I am dealing with and how I am dealing with it.
The anxiety is insane. I am anxious to see people, I have yet to take any calls or return any for that matter. I don't even want to see my parents, they came over last night and my dad told me to smile and that he hates seeing me sad. Well, dad, you might want to avoid me for a little while if that is the case because I am not going to pretend that everything is OK just to make you feel comfortable. I know he means well and he is trying to help but this is how I deal with things and he knows this and he is the kind of guy who doesn't want to talk about things, he just wants to accept it and move on. I am not like that.
I am anxious to go anywhere for fear that I will run into someone I know because I am not in the chatty mood and just having to force a fake smile seems impossible right now. I am anxious to see someone pregnant or babies or even worse people who are pregnant who aren't happy about it or people who are not nice to their kids, like my sister in law's huband (I don't call him my brother in law because I dislike him) He has 3 great kids, one was an accident and her mother is a tramp and they now have temporary custody of this little girl and they show her no affection, don't include her in anything family related and really make her feel like a nuissance. I know that if I see him I might punch him in the face.
D is gone fishing today, I am anxious because I am home alone. He needed to get out of the house because I know he was going shack wacky sitting here consoling me and watching me mope around. I wanted him to go and do something for him but as I sit here alone it breaks my heart. The last time he went fishing was the day I got my positive test. The happiest day ever.
Today would have been 6 weeks.
I am leaving to go visit my sisters for the weekend maybe tomorrow or Thursday, D will join me on Friday. This also makes me anxious.
The anxiety is insane. I am anxious to see people, I have yet to take any calls or return any for that matter. I don't even want to see my parents, they came over last night and my dad told me to smile and that he hates seeing me sad. Well, dad, you might want to avoid me for a little while if that is the case because I am not going to pretend that everything is OK just to make you feel comfortable. I know he means well and he is trying to help but this is how I deal with things and he knows this and he is the kind of guy who doesn't want to talk about things, he just wants to accept it and move on. I am not like that.
I am anxious to go anywhere for fear that I will run into someone I know because I am not in the chatty mood and just having to force a fake smile seems impossible right now. I am anxious to see someone pregnant or babies or even worse people who are pregnant who aren't happy about it or people who are not nice to their kids, like my sister in law's huband (I don't call him my brother in law because I dislike him) He has 3 great kids, one was an accident and her mother is a tramp and they now have temporary custody of this little girl and they show her no affection, don't include her in anything family related and really make her feel like a nuissance. I know that if I see him I might punch him in the face.
D is gone fishing today, I am anxious because I am home alone. He needed to get out of the house because I know he was going shack wacky sitting here consoling me and watching me mope around. I wanted him to go and do something for him but as I sit here alone it breaks my heart. The last time he went fishing was the day I got my positive test. The happiest day ever.
Today would have been 6 weeks.
I am leaving to go visit my sisters for the weekend maybe tomorrow or Thursday, D will join me on Friday. This also makes me anxious.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Day 2
and still no better.
I barely slept last night and when I did you will never guess what I dreamed about ???? The miscarriage!! What a shocker!
Yesterday I just kept asking D to wake me up... wake me up from this nightmare. Then at 5am when I woke up and felt the 2 pads I am wearing to line my underwear just in case of leakage and the insane cramps, I knew that the nightmare was real.
Then there was the glimmer of hope that maybe the bleeding had stopped and there is still a chance for our little apple seed. Nope, the bleeding is worse and heavy and excruciating. I just want someone to jab me with a needle and put me to sleep until it is all gone and I don't have to look at another drop of blood knowing that it could be part of my tiny baby. (I know it wasn't much of a baby and it was still just an embryo but it was OUR embryo and I loved it more than I could have ever imagined)
When I finally got tired of laying in darkness listening to D snore I got out of bed and checked my facebook. There was a message from my cousin expressing to me how excited she is for D and I and that her mom told her that I was pregnant and she couldn't keep it in any longer and had to congratulate us. OUCH.
I wrote her back saying thanks and explaining that I was miscarrying, I told her not to feel badly about writing the message because of course she didn't know. I think today I will ask my parents to notify the family members that we did share the news with. I don't feel like talking to anyone right now.
My heart is broken.
I barely slept last night and when I did you will never guess what I dreamed about ???? The miscarriage!! What a shocker!
Yesterday I just kept asking D to wake me up... wake me up from this nightmare. Then at 5am when I woke up and felt the 2 pads I am wearing to line my underwear just in case of leakage and the insane cramps, I knew that the nightmare was real.
Then there was the glimmer of hope that maybe the bleeding had stopped and there is still a chance for our little apple seed. Nope, the bleeding is worse and heavy and excruciating. I just want someone to jab me with a needle and put me to sleep until it is all gone and I don't have to look at another drop of blood knowing that it could be part of my tiny baby. (I know it wasn't much of a baby and it was still just an embryo but it was OUR embryo and I loved it more than I could have ever imagined)
When I finally got tired of laying in darkness listening to D snore I got out of bed and checked my facebook. There was a message from my cousin expressing to me how excited she is for D and I and that her mom told her that I was pregnant and she couldn't keep it in any longer and had to congratulate us. OUCH.
I wrote her back saying thanks and explaining that I was miscarrying, I told her not to feel badly about writing the message because of course she didn't know. I think today I will ask my parents to notify the family members that we did share the news with. I don't feel like talking to anyone right now.
My heart is broken.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Not good news
I woke up today and when I peed I realized I was bleeding, red this time. So I started to hyperventilate and I called D, who was at work (he is a paramedic). He immediately jumped in the ambulance and came to get me. I am not sure how I got dressed but somehow I put clothes on and off we went to the hospital.
The good thing was that I was not having any cramps and the doctor that was working in the ER is an OB doctor as well. He came in and discussed what could be happening, he explained that if I started to cramp and bleed heavily that yes, I was having a miscarriage. He explained a lot of other things that kind of seem like a blur right now. So, I came home to "rest"
Not long after I was home light cramps started, they felt like the normal pregnancy cramps I had been experiencing but were coming and going more often. Then they weren't going and that started the most extreme cramps I have ever experienced in my life. I get pretty insane period cramps but these were period cramps amplified to a number that doesn't exist. I tried to suffer through it but D finally convinced me (force fed me) some tylenol to help take the edge off.
So that's where I am now, the cramps are not AS bad but they are still there and I am still bleeding. I am miscarrying. The doctor said if it keeps up he will do an ultrasound on Monday, though I am not sure what the point is.
I know that the good news is that we now know that getting pregnant naturally IS possible for us. I really cannot focus on anything positive right now though. It took us a long time to get here and then it is taken away from us so quickly. It is not fucking fair and it is insanely impossible not to blame myself....but I know it isn't my fault and I know I didn't do anything wrong.
This fucking sucks. I want to scream and swear and punch things and I just want this whole nightmare to be over.
I would actually like to wake up from this awful nightmare but I know that is not going to happen.
This was supposed to be my LUCKY number 13 cycle. Fuck you, I am changing the name of my blog again, I want no reminder of any of this right now.
The good thing was that I was not having any cramps and the doctor that was working in the ER is an OB doctor as well. He came in and discussed what could be happening, he explained that if I started to cramp and bleed heavily that yes, I was having a miscarriage. He explained a lot of other things that kind of seem like a blur right now. So, I came home to "rest"
Not long after I was home light cramps started, they felt like the normal pregnancy cramps I had been experiencing but were coming and going more often. Then they weren't going and that started the most extreme cramps I have ever experienced in my life. I get pretty insane period cramps but these were period cramps amplified to a number that doesn't exist. I tried to suffer through it but D finally convinced me (force fed me) some tylenol to help take the edge off.
So that's where I am now, the cramps are not AS bad but they are still there and I am still bleeding. I am miscarrying. The doctor said if it keeps up he will do an ultrasound on Monday, though I am not sure what the point is.
I know that the good news is that we now know that getting pregnant naturally IS possible for us. I really cannot focus on anything positive right now though. It took us a long time to get here and then it is taken away from us so quickly. It is not fucking fair and it is insanely impossible not to blame myself....but I know it isn't my fault and I know I didn't do anything wrong.
This fucking sucks. I want to scream and swear and punch things and I just want this whole nightmare to be over.
I would actually like to wake up from this awful nightmare but I know that is not going to happen.
This was supposed to be my LUCKY number 13 cycle. Fuck you, I am changing the name of my blog again, I want no reminder of any of this right now.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Not feeling it
I know it's early and I should be thankful but instead I am panicking. I have barely any pregnancy symptoms and I wonder if this is a bad thing? I know some women feel great throughout their entire pregnancies (my sister is law is one of them) but I just don't feel pregnant so it is not really real to me.
I have heard that symptoms don't generally show until you are 6 weeks along, if that is true then I am anxious to see what Tuesday brings. I took another pregnancy test yesterday just to be sure, it was positive and made me feel better for a while but then I get in my own head and start to worry.
I just need to breathe.
5 weeks and 2 days
I have heard that symptoms don't generally show until you are 6 weeks along, if that is true then I am anxious to see what Tuesday brings. I took another pregnancy test yesterday just to be sure, it was positive and made me feel better for a while but then I get in my own head and start to worry.
I just need to breathe.
5 weeks and 2 days
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
A reaction like that is still making me smile
D got a case of the big mouths this weekend and told more people that we would have liked to. I spend a portion of Sunday doing some damage control, telling people who are closer to us and also making sure that nobody posts on facebook or repeats it just yet, I am only 5 weeks today...we want to wait a little while longer.
So I told my Memere (that is french for grandma). I went over and told her and she cried and hugged me and cried and hugged me. I can safely and knowingly say that she has never had such a strong reaction to a pregnancy in our family and I was overjoyed. She told me that I made her day and I can honestly say that I have never ever seen her so happy in all of my life. She loves D and I am so thrilled at how happy he was for me. This will be her 7th great grandchild and to get that kind of reaction was so fabulous, I can't even think of an adjective big enough and meaningful enough to describe it.
It made me sad that my Pepere is not here to share the news with, every milestone I hit I miss him even more. He died in 2001 so he never got to meet D and I know he would have loved him, he never got to see me get married and now he will never meet this baby. It really breaks my heart.
5 weeks today, 2 weeks until my first appointment! I am getting excited!
So I told my Memere (that is french for grandma). I went over and told her and she cried and hugged me and cried and hugged me. I can safely and knowingly say that she has never had such a strong reaction to a pregnancy in our family and I was overjoyed. She told me that I made her day and I can honestly say that I have never ever seen her so happy in all of my life. She loves D and I am so thrilled at how happy he was for me. This will be her 7th great grandchild and to get that kind of reaction was so fabulous, I can't even think of an adjective big enough and meaningful enough to describe it.
It made me sad that my Pepere is not here to share the news with, every milestone I hit I miss him even more. He died in 2001 so he never got to meet D and I know he would have loved him, he never got to see me get married and now he will never meet this baby. It really breaks my heart.
5 weeks today, 2 weeks until my first appointment! I am getting excited!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Stuffy nose and sore throat
I have successfully fought off a cold and the flu for quite a while but now I am sick. I am blaming it on the Security Guard at work who I worked with on the weekend. She was coughing without covering her mouth all weekend, it was disgusting. I thought it was just a smoker's cough until I came to work yesterday and she informed me that she was catching a cold. PERFECT!
I disinfected the entire area but I think that the virus has already hit me.
The guys went out to our friend's cottage last night and I am supposed to go and meet them today but what I feel like doing is staying in bed with a box of kleenex and lots of fluids.
Boo to being sick!
I disinfected the entire area but I think that the virus has already hit me.
The guys went out to our friend's cottage last night and I am supposed to go and meet them today but what I feel like doing is staying in bed with a box of kleenex and lots of fluids.
Boo to being sick!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Still in shock
I am still in quite a bit of shock, it is hard to believe that there is a tiny human forming inside of me right now. It's weird and exciting.
Today I am 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant.
Symptoms: Sore breasts, cramping that comes and goes and is mild and not alarming, bouts of queasiness but still not full on puking, a it of gagging.
My husband has been hilarious and so cute. He says funny little things and seems a bit over protective right now too, nothing annoying or overbearing though, just asking how I am feeling and telling me to be careful when lifting things. He will be such a great dad and I am so glad that I am able to give him this gift, for a while I was so worried that he would be deprived of ever having a child and my heart broke in a million pieces for that.
Who we have told so far: My parents, my sisters(and their families), D's parents and his sister (though our nephew doesn't know yet because he can't keep a secret and we know too many people in this small town who teach at his school and Day Care, I told my 2 best friends and their husbands (who are also best friends of D).
Today I am 4 weeks and 2 days pregnant.
Symptoms: Sore breasts, cramping that comes and goes and is mild and not alarming, bouts of queasiness but still not full on puking, a it of gagging.
My husband has been hilarious and so cute. He says funny little things and seems a bit over protective right now too, nothing annoying or overbearing though, just asking how I am feeling and telling me to be careful when lifting things. He will be such a great dad and I am so glad that I am able to give him this gift, for a while I was so worried that he would be deprived of ever having a child and my heart broke in a million pieces for that.
Who we have told so far: My parents, my sisters(and their families), D's parents and his sister (though our nephew doesn't know yet because he can't keep a secret and we know too many people in this small town who teach at his school and Day Care, I told my 2 best friends and their husbands (who are also best friends of D).
Monday, January 11, 2010
3 weeks and 6 days
Well, I am pregnant. According to 4 pregnancy tests! I am in utter shock and disbelief. I waited what seemed like forever for D to get home from fishing yesterday, I was shaking the whole time. When he finally got home he walked in the door and said I got you something and he held up a fish that he caught (in reality I think his dad caught it...) and I said, "Great! I was just about to ask you if you caught any fish, Daddy?"
He giggled....paused... looked at me and said "Daddy??"
All I could do was cry and nod.
"You're pregnant?"
More nodding and crying
Then he scooped me in his arms and I bawled and we laughed. He was shocked.
After it settled for a minute of 2 we of course started discussing when to tell people and so on. I wanted to wait to tell my sisters in person and since they live about 3.5 hours away that wouldhave to be in 3 weeks when we go visit them.
We decided to tell only our parents for now. So we started with mine. They were so thrilled and excited. My dad was really worried abouthaving to keep this secret and he ended up convincing us to call my sisters with the news. His logic was that if someone slipped (aka HIM) they would be hurt that I didn't tell them sooner blah blah.
So first I called K, she was so excited and I could hear my one niece screaming in the background as well. Next was N, she was at Costco at the register so she called back a couple of minutes later. I told her while she was walking around the parking lot looking for her car. She was insanely excited too!
Then it was off to the In Laws. D's mom cried and put me in the same death grip I recall from when we got engaged, man that woman can hug! His dad was also really happy for us too but you know men...they don't show emotion too much.
So that's that. We begin this new journey of becoming parents, it still hasn't fully sunk in yet but I am excited and looking forward to the journey.
I can't believe it actually happened!
He giggled....paused... looked at me and said "Daddy??"
All I could do was cry and nod.
"You're pregnant?"
More nodding and crying
Then he scooped me in his arms and I bawled and we laughed. He was shocked.
After it settled for a minute of 2 we of course started discussing when to tell people and so on. I wanted to wait to tell my sisters in person and since they live about 3.5 hours away that wouldhave to be in 3 weeks when we go visit them.
We decided to tell only our parents for now. So we started with mine. They were so thrilled and excited. My dad was really worried abouthaving to keep this secret and he ended up convincing us to call my sisters with the news. His logic was that if someone slipped (aka HIM) they would be hurt that I didn't tell them sooner blah blah.
So first I called K, she was so excited and I could hear my one niece screaming in the background as well. Next was N, she was at Costco at the register so she called back a couple of minutes later. I told her while she was walking around the parking lot looking for her car. She was insanely excited too!
Then it was off to the In Laws. D's mom cried and put me in the same death grip I recall from when we got engaged, man that woman can hug! His dad was also really happy for us too but you know men...they don't show emotion too much.
So that's that. We begin this new journey of becoming parents, it still hasn't fully sunk in yet but I am excited and looking forward to the journey.
I can't believe it actually happened!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
NO! then YES!
So I tested this morning and it was negative. Fine.
After about 11 minutes I went back to throw out the test and the pee and there is a faint line on the test. A line is a line but when did it show up? I left the bathroom after about 4 minutes so some time from 4 minutes to 11 minutes a little line showed up.
I had the pee in a cup so I was torn on whether or not to waste another test because after 10 minutes the reading should be discarded.
So about an hour has passed and I just dipped another one (different brand) and I got another faint line, this time I watched it like a hawk and the faint line was there at the 3 minute mark.
I will be testing again tomorrow morning but as of right now... I am tentatively very hopeful!
After about 11 minutes I went back to throw out the test and the pee and there is a faint line on the test. A line is a line but when did it show up? I left the bathroom after about 4 minutes so some time from 4 minutes to 11 minutes a little line showed up.
I had the pee in a cup so I was torn on whether or not to waste another test because after 10 minutes the reading should be discarded.
So about an hour has passed and I just dipped another one (different brand) and I got another faint line, this time I watched it like a hawk and the faint line was there at the 3 minute mark.
I will be testing again tomorrow morning but as of right now... I am tentatively very hopeful!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Tomorrow is test day
I am terrified. Usually by now I have some sign that my period is on the way, so far the only thing I can attribute is my on again off again tender breasts and I have had a couple of extra zits in the past week. The one tell tale sign that always comes is spotting, I literally just went pee before I started typing this blog and there is still no spotting.
Part of me wants to test so badly but the other part of me wants to hang on to this hopeful feeling before the bitch shows up. Last night I thought about testing this morning but thankfully some really smart people convinced me not to (the people on the message board that I frequent).
My emotions are up and down, one minute I think well maybe this is it and the next imagines another negative test and another day of crying. I bet you I will pee in a cup and not test right away and then if I decide to test I will still have the first morning urine in a cup. Yes, that is disgusting but I plan on taking a sample cup from the hospital so that I can screw a lid on it and that makes it a little less gross.
It has been months and I mean MONTHS since I have actually even had this issue of wanting to test. Usually I am very very good at waiting it out and then between 2-4 days before my period I start to spot. This is probably why I have such an urge to test and have this (possibly and probably false) hope.
Time will tell tomorrow..... maybe.
Part of me wants to test so badly but the other part of me wants to hang on to this hopeful feeling before the bitch shows up. Last night I thought about testing this morning but thankfully some really smart people convinced me not to (the people on the message board that I frequent).
My emotions are up and down, one minute I think well maybe this is it and the next imagines another negative test and another day of crying. I bet you I will pee in a cup and not test right away and then if I decide to test I will still have the first morning urine in a cup. Yes, that is disgusting but I plan on taking a sample cup from the hospital so that I can screw a lid on it and that makes it a little less gross.
It has been months and I mean MONTHS since I have actually even had this issue of wanting to test. Usually I am very very good at waiting it out and then between 2-4 days before my period I start to spot. This is probably why I have such an urge to test and have this (possibly and probably false) hope.
Time will tell tomorrow..... maybe.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Relaxing, Bitterness and Exercise all in 1 post
I will do them in order of the post title: RELAXING
I had my first accupuncture appointment yesterday and it was wonderful. I was a bit worried about it because I have heard that this Chiropractor is a bit strange and off the wall. I was very happy that I did not know the receptionist, living in a small town is difficult when you want things to be confidential because they never are(how sad is that). So I have a mountain of paper work to fill out and there are lot of lifestyle questions on there and I start to get worried that I am going to be judged because I sometimes eat foods prepared with tap water and that I occasionally drink.
Then as I am filling out the papers the receptionist says "So you are D's wife?" SHIT! She knows us! Turns out she is the mother of a guy we went to high school with. Not too bad, if she was the mother of a girl I went to high school with I might feel differently (I know, that is weird). So I get in the room and she explains the procedure and what it does and she informs me that she has a few clients who she had success with for infertility. And she begins. The needles pinched a tiny wee bit in my wrists and ears (sensitive areas) but nothing that I could say "hurt" it just felt different. I laid there for an hour and drifted in and out of conciousness and relaxed. It was great, I will be going weekly for the next 12 weeks.
BITTERNESS
Infertility/Trouble TTC- I still don't know how to classify myself- is enough to make anyone a little bitter. I find that I am not really bitter at everyone, just at people who do nothing but complain about their pregnancy and complain when things get a little rough with their children. I have one facebook friend who does noting but post all about her baby son all day and it drives me crazy. She literally posts about his poops. Today she wrote that she "officially hated teething" A big part of me wanted to write "I will trade you a teething baby for no baby at all" but I kept it to myself, I know she is not purposely attacking me or trying to be insensitive. I think that removing her from my news filter might be a wonderful idea.
EXERCISE
I started P90X yesterday in an effort to not feel like a fat cow anymore. I am not fat or overweight but I can stand to lose/tone a bit. Yesterday I did the Core Synergistics video and today I am scheduled to do Cardio. I am sore today but I am pushing through.
10 Days past Ovulation today, still no spotting (10am) I am being cautiously hopeful.
I had my first accupuncture appointment yesterday and it was wonderful. I was a bit worried about it because I have heard that this Chiropractor is a bit strange and off the wall. I was very happy that I did not know the receptionist, living in a small town is difficult when you want things to be confidential because they never are(how sad is that). So I have a mountain of paper work to fill out and there are lot of lifestyle questions on there and I start to get worried that I am going to be judged because I sometimes eat foods prepared with tap water and that I occasionally drink.
Then as I am filling out the papers the receptionist says "So you are D's wife?" SHIT! She knows us! Turns out she is the mother of a guy we went to high school with. Not too bad, if she was the mother of a girl I went to high school with I might feel differently (I know, that is weird). So I get in the room and she explains the procedure and what it does and she informs me that she has a few clients who she had success with for infertility. And she begins. The needles pinched a tiny wee bit in my wrists and ears (sensitive areas) but nothing that I could say "hurt" it just felt different. I laid there for an hour and drifted in and out of conciousness and relaxed. It was great, I will be going weekly for the next 12 weeks.
BITTERNESS
Infertility/Trouble TTC- I still don't know how to classify myself- is enough to make anyone a little bitter. I find that I am not really bitter at everyone, just at people who do nothing but complain about their pregnancy and complain when things get a little rough with their children. I have one facebook friend who does noting but post all about her baby son all day and it drives me crazy. She literally posts about his poops. Today she wrote that she "officially hated teething" A big part of me wanted to write "I will trade you a teething baby for no baby at all" but I kept it to myself, I know she is not purposely attacking me or trying to be insensitive. I think that removing her from my news filter might be a wonderful idea.
EXERCISE
I started P90X yesterday in an effort to not feel like a fat cow anymore. I am not fat or overweight but I can stand to lose/tone a bit. Yesterday I did the Core Synergistics video and today I am scheduled to do Cardio. I am sore today but I am pushing through.
10 Days past Ovulation today, still no spotting (10am) I am being cautiously hopeful.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I won!!
I was informed yesterday that I was the big winner of the fertilty yoga DVD from another blogger. HORRAY! She is mailing it to me and I am so excited to get it. Since it is coming from the US I probably have a while to wait but that is OK.
In other news, I have been starving lately! I cannot seem to get full, I am trying to make healthy choices when I snack (oranges, apples, bananas, granola bars, grapes) but I am amazed at how hungry I am all of the time. I think it has to do with how I have been eating lately. I am a vegetarian so I eat a lot of vegatables and lately there hasn't been much substance in my meals, veggies and rice, veggies and rice noodles. I really really don't want to start eating meat again, the actual thought of it grosses me out to be honest so I guess I am going to have to start planning my meals a little better.
I am starting P90X today. I am still missing a couple of pieces of equipment to do it properly so I think I am just going to pick and choose the workouts that I do and see how that goes. A friend of ours had it burnt for us so I am pretty glad that we essentially got it for free. It is supposed to be an amazing workout program.
On the TTC front, I am at 9 days past ovulation and I am trying really hard to not overanalyze my "symptoms" but of course that is not working.
My boobs have been sore: PMS.
I am breaking out: PMS.
Hunger? pregnancy?
I am bloated: PMS maybe pregnancy? maybe the holidays!
I haven't started spotting yet: pregnancy
My chart looks sucky, I have had the same temps for the past 4-5 days, I am changing the battery in my thermometer today to see if that is the issue.
I am starting accupuncture today, a full report will be available later.
In other news, I have been starving lately! I cannot seem to get full, I am trying to make healthy choices when I snack (oranges, apples, bananas, granola bars, grapes) but I am amazed at how hungry I am all of the time. I think it has to do with how I have been eating lately. I am a vegetarian so I eat a lot of vegatables and lately there hasn't been much substance in my meals, veggies and rice, veggies and rice noodles. I really really don't want to start eating meat again, the actual thought of it grosses me out to be honest so I guess I am going to have to start planning my meals a little better.
I am starting P90X today. I am still missing a couple of pieces of equipment to do it properly so I think I am just going to pick and choose the workouts that I do and see how that goes. A friend of ours had it burnt for us so I am pretty glad that we essentially got it for free. It is supposed to be an amazing workout program.
On the TTC front, I am at 9 days past ovulation and I am trying really hard to not overanalyze my "symptoms" but of course that is not working.
My boobs have been sore: PMS.
I am breaking out: PMS.
Hunger? pregnancy?
I am bloated: PMS maybe pregnancy? maybe the holidays!
I haven't started spotting yet: pregnancy
My chart looks sucky, I have had the same temps for the past 4-5 days, I am changing the battery in my thermometer today to see if that is the issue.
I am starting accupuncture today, a full report will be available later.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The constant entertainment of kids
My 7 year old nephew is the biggest hockey crazy kid you'd ever meet, he loves to play, watch and talk about the sport at any opportunity he gets. My sister and Brother in law were letting him stay up late to watch the game. So we were calling each other between intermissions.
Near the end of the 3rd period USA was winning 5-3. The US got a penalty and put Canada on the power play, Jordan Eberle SCORES!!! Canada is just 1 goal away from tying it and forcing Overtime. The excitement mounts and Eberle hits the ice again after a short break and......SCORES!! The game is all tied up!! Between the 3rd period and OT my nephew calls me and tells me "Oh, I got so excited that I cried when they tied the game"
The USA ended up winning the game in OT and Canada went home with the Silver. My fondest memory of that game will be that even though we were miles away from each other it was great to watch it "with" my nephew, a kid who has more passion for a sport than a lot of players who are paid to play it.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
2010 Handbook. I liked it so I C&P'ed it here
This is an email I got today. I threw in some notes of my own beside some of the suggestions
Rare is the man or woman who can weigh the faults of others without putting his or her own thumb on the scales
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I entered a contest
At the blog of a woman that I know from a message board that I frequent. She has had many fertility struggles and is finally pregnant YAY FOR HER!!!!!!!
She is running this contest to give away a fertility yoga DVD and I would love something like that.
If anyone is interested in entering or even reading the blog of this amazing woman here it is:
http://konite-empire.blogspot.com/
The giveaway post was posted on Wednesday December 30, 2009
ENJOY and wish me luck!!!
She is running this contest to give away a fertility yoga DVD and I would love something like that.
If anyone is interested in entering or even reading the blog of this amazing woman here it is:
http://konite-empire.blogspot.com/
The giveaway post was posted on Wednesday December 30, 2009
ENJOY and wish me luck!!!
Monday, January 4, 2010
I believe they call this PMS
I feel all the classic PMS symptoms that I normally feel so I guess my intuition was right. I am still trying to remain hopeful but it's been way toomany cycles of trying to pass these symptoms off as pregnancy symptoms. Especially when I am only 6 days past ovulation.
This is a time when I think more about all of the other "problems" that are halting me from getting pregnant other than just the one tube thing. There is also a couple of other things that I learned at my HSG. The doctor had a hell of a time getting the catheter through my cervix because of the LEEP biopsy that I had done and also he was struggling to get it into my tilted uterus. This is why it took so long and was so painful. I asked him if this was a potential reason why I wasn't getting pregnant. I didn't really get a straight answer but the short answer was no. My friend put it in this perspective to me, think about how small a sperm is, it can get through the eye of a needle.
The more I think about it and the more cycles I go without getting pregnant, the more I worry that this is causing more problems than it should. My husband's perfect sperm now have to try and get through a cervix that may not be opened enough due to scarring and if they do get through then they have a detour to find my out of whack uterus. And even if they do get through who knows if I am ovulating from the right tube.
This sucks!
Another sign that it is PMS: I am in tears writing this, EMOTIONAL!
Fuck.
This is a time when I think more about all of the other "problems" that are halting me from getting pregnant other than just the one tube thing. There is also a couple of other things that I learned at my HSG. The doctor had a hell of a time getting the catheter through my cervix because of the LEEP biopsy that I had done and also he was struggling to get it into my tilted uterus. This is why it took so long and was so painful. I asked him if this was a potential reason why I wasn't getting pregnant. I didn't really get a straight answer but the short answer was no. My friend put it in this perspective to me, think about how small a sperm is, it can get through the eye of a needle.
The more I think about it and the more cycles I go without getting pregnant, the more I worry that this is causing more problems than it should. My husband's perfect sperm now have to try and get through a cervix that may not be opened enough due to scarring and if they do get through then they have a detour to find my out of whack uterus. And even if they do get through who knows if I am ovulating from the right tube.
This sucks!
Another sign that it is PMS: I am in tears writing this, EMOTIONAL!
Fuck.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
A day in the kitchen
I have been seriously neglecting my kitchen lately as we have been eating out and going to friends and families houses for dinner. Today I made up for some lost time.
Tonight is the semi-finals of the World Juniors Canada vs Switzerland, GO CANADA GO! So I told D that I would make us dinner and we could sit in front of the tv and eat together. With all the visiting and going out and working the 2 of us have had zero alone time since we were in Cuba. It's crazy! We usually go to him mom's house for dinner on Sundays but tonight I decided that it's time to get back to us.
I made a pot of homemade vegetable soup, banana bread and stuffed shells. (the shells are for tonight's dinner) MMMMMM
The banana bread is in the oven right now and it smells so good.
5 days past ovulation....waiting patiently for my period or a positive test.
Tonight is the semi-finals of the World Juniors Canada vs Switzerland, GO CANADA GO! So I told D that I would make us dinner and we could sit in front of the tv and eat together. With all the visiting and going out and working the 2 of us have had zero alone time since we were in Cuba. It's crazy! We usually go to him mom's house for dinner on Sundays but tonight I decided that it's time to get back to us.
I made a pot of homemade vegetable soup, banana bread and stuffed shells. (the shells are for tonight's dinner) MMMMMM
The banana bread is in the oven right now and it smells so good.
5 days past ovulation....waiting patiently for my period or a positive test.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
The negativity is back
I have ovulated according to my chart. I am only 4 days past ovulation and I am already feeling down and out about this cycle, this "lucky" number 13 cycle. Fuck. I wanted to stay positive and hopeful but I am already down in the dumps. We had sex at the perfect time so there is really no reason for this attitude, I guess I am just a bit tired and feeling cranky. Or maybe this IF issue of mine has made me an eternal pessimist. Or maybe I am just being cautious and trying not to get too hopeful because I get so upset every month when my period shows up.
Blah! Many different people have told me that I should start my TTC countdown from the time we started having unprotected sex. Well that has been for 2 years and we have been actively "trying" for 13 cycles. I never know where to count so I count from when we were "trying" mainly because it's less time and that seems less depressing to me.
I am looking forward to my appointment with my doctor in February, I need some more clear answers and also want to really be prepared to talk to him about our options. After my HSG I was still so emotional and in so much pain and I think he was in a bit of a rush because it took so long that I didn't really press him with the questions that I had.
Try to stay positive...try to stay positive....try try try try try
Blah! Many different people have told me that I should start my TTC countdown from the time we started having unprotected sex. Well that has been for 2 years and we have been actively "trying" for 13 cycles. I never know where to count so I count from when we were "trying" mainly because it's less time and that seems less depressing to me.
I am looking forward to my appointment with my doctor in February, I need some more clear answers and also want to really be prepared to talk to him about our options. After my HSG I was still so emotional and in so much pain and I think he was in a bit of a rush because it took so long that I didn't really press him with the questions that I had.
Try to stay positive...try to stay positive....try try try try try
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
Well it's official, 2009 is over! See ya! I can't say that 2009 was a horrible year, I can't say that it was a great year either. It had it's ups and downs, more downs than ups in the TTC department and as another year begins I can't help but wonder if this is our year? Will a baby grace our little family this year? Only time will tell.
The New year's eve festivities occured at our friends' place with tons and tons of food, drink, the Canada vs USA World Junior hockey game (Canada won 5-4 in a shootout, GREAT GAME!), a campfire and some ugly sweaters. It was an ugly sweater party which I found to be a lot of fun. And as DH informed me this morning "my sweater was really comfortable!" I wish I coudl say the same, mine was 100% wool and itchy as hell. I am surprised I made it the whole night wearing the itchy, scratchy bastard!
I am in the 2 week wait right now which is excruciating and while I shall remain hopeful for a positive HPT, I also will not hold my breath. I think that although I have a long road behind me with trying to conceive our first child that I also have a long road ahead too. Still, I hope that someday in the very very very near future that D and I will become parents.
Happy New Year!
The ugly sweaters:
The New year's eve festivities occured at our friends' place with tons and tons of food, drink, the Canada vs USA World Junior hockey game (Canada won 5-4 in a shootout, GREAT GAME!), a campfire and some ugly sweaters. It was an ugly sweater party which I found to be a lot of fun. And as DH informed me this morning "my sweater was really comfortable!" I wish I coudl say the same, mine was 100% wool and itchy as hell. I am surprised I made it the whole night wearing the itchy, scratchy bastard!
I am in the 2 week wait right now which is excruciating and while I shall remain hopeful for a positive HPT, I also will not hold my breath. I think that although I have a long road behind me with trying to conceive our first child that I also have a long road ahead too. Still, I hope that someday in the very very very near future that D and I will become parents.
Happy New Year!
The ugly sweaters:
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