Improvement or masking the heartache?

I have found myself thinking more and more about the FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer). Up until recently, I couldn't even think about it, not even a little. I knew what my options were but I just couldn't face it until I let myself heal. I looked at the future and thought about a childless and non-pregnant existance, which was different for me. For as long as I can remember I have always looked at my future in terms of the possibility of being pregnant or having a child. Many dates, events and milestones have come and gone where I thought "I will be pregnant there or I will have a baby then" but at each one of those events and dates I have had an empty ute, empty arms and an empty heart.

So after IVF and the second miscarriage, I looked at my future as a childless person. I tried to fill that massive hole with material things and distractions. I said I was "doing things for me" like taking guitar lessons, playing volleyball, planning a vacation with D, training for a half marathon. And we thought, if I am ready we will look into starting the FET natural cycle process in May with the transfer happening in my June cycle. But as those dates approach I am thinking more about it. Am I ready? or Am I trying to mask my ongoing sadness and heartache? I am not sure.

Part of me thinks that it is a step that I am thinking about moving forward but that same part of me is terrified. When we made the decision to do IVF I somehow got it in my  head that this would bea sure thing for us. I knew the statistics, I knew the chances. But I told myself that I didn't fall into those categories. Afterall, I have a normal and regular cycle, I ovulate perfectly on my own, I am young and healthy, D's sperm is marvelous and our only obstacle is my blocked right tube. It wouldn't be an issue,my problem is that the eggs can't get to where they need to be to meet the sperm. Since my left side rarely ovulated (only about 10% of the time) this was a pretty sure fire option for us. There was a wall blocking us from conceiving and IVF was the door being installed in the middle of this wall and once the door was open, our problems woul dbe solved. Obviously, I got a very rude awakening. And through that rude awakening I felt absolutely shattered. I am broken, my body does not work as it should, as a woman's body is designed to work and that was a hard pill to swallow.

So now, thinking about doing the FET I am afraid. Can I handle another heartbreak? What if the embryos don't survive the thawing? Do we push the enveloppe and transfer more than 1 this time? We have 2 good quality ones and 2 not great but still decent quality ones. Do I take my chances with those?

I know 1 thing for sure, I will never do a full IVF cycle again. But as the rest of the questions surface, I will remain confused, afraid, worried and always questioning. Always.