What a steal of a deal!

I read an awesome blog called 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. The blog is so true and real and helps you to laugh and cry and feel bitter all the while knowing you are not alone. I love it.
Some of my favorite posts include: Do You Come to this Reproductive Endocrinologist Often?, You Have A  Lot of People Looking At Your Vagina , Good Luck Phoning Your Mommy Friend

Just to name a small few.

Recently something happened to me that reminded me of something that could go on that awesome blog and I wanted to share.

We forked out a lot of money for IVF. Any other person who is going through this or has been through it knows what I am talking about. On top of the cost of the procedures there is the cost of meds which is astro-freaking-nomical then I also had the joy of paying for my accommodations for 3 weeks while I was in the city where the RE's office is getting monitored and my treatment, the extra costs of being away from home, and on top of it all we chose December so we had to do some Christmas shopping (Thanks for understanding our financial situation, ILs, I appreciate you forcing us to buy you all a Christmas gift even though we were paying out the ass for fertility treatments-BAH HUM BUG)

So our total was pretty large. Another part of this whole mess that stings, all of the money that we should have just flushed down the toilet instead.

So when my follow up appointment came with Dr. L and we discussed the FET I was expecting to hear another high number. Knowing that I need to heal emotionally and financially before even thinking about doing the FET. Then he said the number. $1200 total for everything, since I will be doing a natural FET cycle, I won't have to worry about the cost of meds.

And what did D and I both respond to this? Wow! That's not bad at all!!!

Some people worry about the cost of a BBT to get pregnant and maybe a few months of VIP fertilityfriend.com. Some don't even have to go that far and just have the cost of a cheap, old condom that breaks.

But not us. $1200 for another chance at becoming parents? What a steal of a deal!!!

Doing things for ME

I am a pretty important person in my life. I often ignore me. Not anymore.

I am taking guitar lessons for me

I bought myself some new wheels

And I am about 80% sure that I am going to run a half marathon this year. In May. It's something that I have always wanted to do but put off intense training for TTC.

Yep, it's my time now.

Let's Talk About Sex

When I get together with my girl friends the conversation often turns to sex. I really do believe that women talk about it way more than men do. I might make this a regular blog segment, who knows.

And since my sex life has been ruined lately thanks to T-TTC, why not find some humor in what many people take so very seriously.

Today's topic: Shower sex.

I do not like shower sex. It is not comfortable, I go in the shower to clean and shave and be warm under the water. Throw in a second person and you have to share the stream of water, the ceramic walls in my shower are too cold to lean against and I am not strong enough to bend and contort in whichever way needed to have sex standing up on a wet slippery floor. It's just not appealing to me.

But D tries. Oh does he try. Here is a conversation we had that always gets a good laugh out of my friends when I tell them.

I am the Italic font and D will be the Bold font.


Let's have a shower together

No thanks

How come you never want to have a shower with me?

Because I don't like shower sex

We don't have to have sex, we can just have a shower together

Yeah right! As if you would ever just have a shower and have it not be sexual

I won't! We will just shower together.


No, cause then I have to share the water and I get cold while I wait for you to use it

You can have all of the water, I don't care. 


Well that's just creepy! I will be showering while you stand there...dry...staring at me...with a boner!

An Award??

 

A wonderful woman, Jenni, over at Tomorrow's on the Way gave me an award. It is my first blog award and I am shocked. My blog lately has been a non-stop spewing of whining and crying and I am honored that Jenni chose my blog for this award. Thank you Jenni, you are quite supportive and helpful and always have something nice and comforting to say. I appreciate this very much.

There are a few rules to this award:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award!

 

So here are 7 things about me (I will try to make them things about me that you probably don't know)

 

1- I have a 36D size bra

 

2- I am the youngest of 3 girls but have never felt like the spoiled baby of the family but rather the forgotten last child. So I have always been loud and chatty to try and demand attention.

 

3- Nothing makes me more angry than a liar. Even if it is a small stupid lie.

 

4- I wore braces for 2.5 years. My teeth were so bad and crooked that they had to pull 2 just so the rest would fit in my mouth straight. One tooth was so crooked it was almost backwards.

 

5- I was electrocuted as a child (about 2-3 years old). The family dog chewed the plug off a fan and I got a hold of the chewed off plug and plugged it into the wall. The lights went out and I started to scream. When my mom came  in she saw that I had a black mark on the tip of my finger and also on the tip of my big toe. (where the shock when in and out). She did not take me to a doctor or hospital.

 

6- My body is covered in birthmarks. They range in size and area of body. They are watched carefully for changes and many of them have been removed and tested for cancer and abnormalities. One of them is on the right side of my head and it causes my hair on that side only to be curly and frizzy and thicker than the other side.

 

7- If money was no object I would get a nose job.

 

 

And now to award other bloggers. I don't have 15 people to award this to so I will just pass it along to a few of my favorites. I am not exactly sure what the Stylish Blogger Award represents but I will pass along to people who have great blogs, amazing stories, good hearts and who have touched my life in some way.

 

1- The amazing, strong, loving and sweet Megan at After Jillian (a private blog) who introduced me to pretzel M&Ms, for that I am forever grateful.

 

2- The beautiful, positive, strong and caring Ashley at Life as Ashlet

 

3- And what can I say about Sulfababy? She is a survivor, incredibly strong, funny and witty, so helpful and positive, and her blog is not only hilarious, serious, emotional but it is also educational and entertaining. She writes Close my Eyes and Leap

 

4- I believe she already has this award but I have to include the amazing Krista at Rubber Baby Buckin Bumpers Not only is Krista an amazing and strong woman like the rest of my nominees but she is tough and sweet, she knows exactly what to say because she has been there. An most of all she is my proof that there you can never lose hope. She is my proof that we infertiles deserve good things too.

 

 

 

I also wanted to award one to Amber from Born in a Barn but she recently received one so this is her honorable mention ;)

A new vehicle

D and I have been surviving with 1 vehicle for quite a few years now. I was working part time and we couldn't afford a 2nd vehicle and we made it work with just 1.

Tomorrow that officially ends. After work I am picking up my brand new 2011 Ford Escape!

Normal me would be so excited and squeeing all over the place. I am excited but my current state of emotion is keeping all of that in check. But yay for a new car...truck....SUV

Like a ton of bricks

I knew today was coming. I noticed it on the calendar last week. But this morning I did not think of it. I did not realize the date.

Then when I was out running errands I had to write the date and there it was taunting me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is January 23rd, the day that my first pregnancy ended. The day I started bleeding and cramping and had a nervous breakdown.

::sigh::

Another tattoo?

I have always considered the idea of another tattoo. I have 3. I got my first when I was about 16, behind my parents' back. It is a Chinese symbol that means Happiness, the next I got when I was 18 or 19, it is another Chinese symbol on the other side of my lower back that means "Truth" The third I got in Vegas in 2009. It is on my foot, near my heel, just below my ankle bone. It is an L and a 3 that are together and looks like a heart in hot pink. The L is the last-name initial of my maiden name (and also my married name) and the 3 represents my 2 sisters and I.

I vowed never to get a tattoo unless I was really sure and it had some meaning. I have decided I want another one and I know exactly what I want. I want something to honor my 2 lost babies. They both had EDDs in September and one of the flowers of September is the forget-me-not. So I want to get 2 forget-me-nots (which incidentally in tattoo form mean "remembrance"). I am thinking maybe on the top of my foot but I am not sure. I like having them in places that I can hide if need be. (professional or classy reasons)But I know for sure that I want this tattoo and I want it in a place where I can look at it without contorting myself or having to use a mirror.

I am welcoming suggestions for placement and also suggestions for design, if anyone is artistically inclined or knows of a good website, I would be very grateful.

The telephone appointment

I had my phone consultation with Dr L yesterday. It was my post-IVF appointment. When we finally got on the phone together (there was a huge mess of him calling the wrong numbers, being late, thinking I was a no show in the office) the first thing he said was "do you have any questions?" I wanted to say WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? but bursting into tears didn't seem like my smartest option so I said Not really cause I wanted him to direct the appointment.

So he told me that he usually goes over the chart and then will tell me what would be done differently next time. He is pretty sure I overstimulated. Even though I didn't get OHSS (because I really listened and obeyed the prevention advice), I had way too many eggs mature. He said that what happens is that the bad quality eggs get too excited and join the party when they really shouldn't. So he started telling me how my next cycle would be changed. I said "I am going to stop you right there. I have zero intention of doing a full IVF cycle again, it was too hard on me emotionally, financially and physically"

Then he tells me that I have 4 embryos frozen (I guess the 3rd and 4th really kicked it up a notch on that last day cause they thought I would only get to freeze 2) 2 are better quality than the other 2 but I do have 4 decent ones. 

So our next step with them is to do a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) on a natural cycle, meaning I will not have to take any meds (which is great for me) because I have a regular 28-30 day cycle. He actually said that for some people a FET is better than a fresh IVF cycle because the meds sometimes overstimulate your uterus and make it TOO thick (I had no idea that was a possibility but he is the expert)

So because we will never have a real answer, I am going with the info that I was overstimulated and it made a whole bad combination. It doesn't make it hurt any less but I am more educated about things now. 

While I am not even close to ready to do the FET yet, we are thinking maybe Spring or Summer for that.

In the meantime, he is rechecking my thyroid to make sure all is well still and I am also getting a Saline Injection Scan (Sonohysterography) which I don't know what it is yet but I will get info.
And when I am ready, I will just call the clinic with my Day 1 for my mock cycle and I will be monitored through that and then the next cycle will be our FET. We have some big decisions to make before then (how many to thaw for transfer) but I am not ready to even think about that yet.

It keeps getting better!

So I got the appointment fiasco handled. No thanks to Dr L's turdbag assistant. I had to call her back since she was ignoring my call and she said she would look into it and call me back.

She called me back finally and informed me that my appointment was a telephone appointment. Dr. L will be phoning me at 2:40 tomorrow afternoon for my appointment. And her tone? Her tone was very condescending like as though I should already know that. I wanted to scream through the phone "REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN YOU LEFT ME A MESSAGE SAYING THAT MY APPOINTMENT WAS DEFINITELY THROUGH THE TELEMEDICINE PROGRAM??????"

So I had to make arrangements for him to call me at work and then make arrangements to find a private area in the department for the appointment. And then I got mad. How freaking personal is that appointment? You can't even face me through a television screen to tell me that I am broken and pretend to be sorry about what happened to me? No, you got my big fat payment so who the hell cares about what happens to me next?

I am so frustrated and I am nervous and feeling a lot of anxiety about this appointment. Or sorry, about this phone call that I have to take in the middle of my work day.

Bullshit.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

That is what the people at the Fertility Clinic SHOULD have said to me as we left after my embryo transfer.

While we were there we were treated fantastically!! Everyone was polite, helpful, hopeful and seemed to really care about us. From the receptionist to the phlebotomists, to the ultrasound technologists, to the nurses and the doctors. Everyone.

But the second I stepped out the door I think they put my chart in a "we already have their money" pile. My after-care was nothing to be desired.

Dr. L got a new assistant and I cannot stand her. I love love love loved his last one., Linda. I loved her. She was fantastic!! I don't know where she went but I wish she never went anywhere. His new assistant never answers her phone, rarely returns messages.

Here is where this is coming from:

On the day of my embryo transfer I was given a date for a post IVF appointment with Dr. L. I informed the nurse that the appointment would have to be done through the Teleconference appointment. She said no problem.

Normally I receive a letter from the teleconference program confirming my appointment. When there was no letter last week, I called Dr. L's twatwaffle assistant and, of course, left her a message. She called back to say it was definitely booked as teleconference and I should be receiving a letter to confirm. Today? Still no letter and the appointment is on Friday. So I call the teleconference co-ordinator at our hospital. She has no record of an appointment for me. None.

FOR FUCK SAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I call the douchenozzle and again leave her a message. She did not call me back. I am pissed and Dr. L is going to hear about this.

Just when I think I am ready

I miss BOTB. I had to take a break because it was all too much. The stupid trolls and the newbies who ask stupid questions (even though I was a stupid newbie asking stupid questions what seems like forever ago) and then seeing all of the pregnant bellies, the tickers and the babies. While I am happy for all of the great women I have met through BOTB, it was just too painful for a while.

I recently started slowly lurking again here and there. Maybe 1-2 posts a day. And then I think I am ready to come back and start posting again and I open a post and just start crying for no reason. It's so stupid because the most support I have gotten has been through BOTB. When people in my real life didn't know things, I told BOTB. When I got my very first BFP, BOTB knew before D knew. The amazing women there have been there for me to cry, to give e-hugs, to laugh and to snark whenever I needed. And yet I am finding it too hard to read the posts, to lurk, to even think about posting anything.

::sigh::

For you BOTB ladies who read this blog, I miss you, I love you.

When the pain seeps in

I had a few moments this weekend. Moments of sheer bitter jealousy. Moments that took my breath away. Moments that made a lump form in my throat so big that it made it hard to breathe. Moments that made me resentful and angry. Moments that made me plain sad.

I hate those moments. I hate every last one of them. Mostly though, I really hate that I have become the person whose eyes well up with tears at the sight of a pregnant woman. The person who feels bitter jealousy to the accidentally pregnant woman.

And while people don't meant to be insensitive, almost everything makes me upset. From the co-worker/friend who is newly pregnant and who is about exactly where I should be to the girl who works in my dad's office who is young and accidentally pregnant who he goes on and on about and how sweet she is and how he refers to her as his 4th daughter and how he dotes over her and buys her treats. "She is such a sweetheart" "I have to buy E some treats to keep on my desk for her, my little sweetheart" It takes everything in me to not say "Well good, now you will have another grandchild from HER" instead I just hang my head and fight back the tears.

Yeah, I hate these moments.

The Smorgasbord Post

I have a few things to talk about and am pretty sure that I will just ramble on so bear with me. And if you want, you can pick and choose which sections you want to read.

First: an update on Memere. 
As mentioned on Monday, my memere was admitted to the ICU with a UTI, bowel obstruction, heart attack and vomiting and abdomen pain. Tests were done all week. Ultrasounds, bloodwork, CT Scans. Turns out she did NOT have a heart attack (great news) her bloodwork was all wacky from the other illnesses. She let her UTI get too bad before coming in and the infection messed with the rest of her body, badly. She finally stopped vomiting after a few days and is now keeping some food down. She might be able to go home today.  ::sigh of relief::

Next: Heartbreaking sad news along with a preachy speech. 
A second cousin of mine (more of an acquaintance/friend-ish person than a relative-our dads are cousins) passed away on Friday. She was only 28 years old and sadly, it was not a shock or a surprise. A few years back she was diagnosed with Stage 3 cervical cancer. They had to perform a hysterectomy. She continued on with life and even made plans for a surrogate with her sister for her to have children in the future. Then last year she started getting ill and tests were run. The cancer was back with a vengeance and had spread throughout her body. She had very intense chemotherapy and radiation (I am not sure how many rounds but more than 1). She tried experimental chemotherapy. She even got better for a little while. Her and her fiance decided to get married. They had a very small ceremony with plans to celebrate in a big way once she was healthier. But the cancer wouldn't let up. She fought an amazing fight. She never gave up once and even when the doctors didn't think she would last more than a couple of days, she fought back. But finally this week, she told her family that she couldn't fight anymore. And with her family by her side, she passed away.

So let this story be a lesson to you all. Pap tests are uncomfortable, they are not fun, they are intrusive and sometimes embarrassing but they are important to screen for serious diseases. I had abnormal pap tests a few years back, the abnormal cells were caught early, I had  LEEP biopsy done and my paps have been normal ever since. Pap tests are an important screening tool. My sister has had several surgeries to get rid of her cervical cancer, something she would have never known about had it not been for routine pap tests.

Next on a much lighter note: retail therapy

For the past almost 3 years I have not really shopped. I always had it in my mind that I would be pregnant soon so I didn't want to waste money on clothes that might never fit me again and even if they did, they would be out of style by the time I got to wear them again. So I didn't shop. I bought the odd thing here and there. It got bad. My wardrobe was (and still is) very much lacking. So I decided to plan a shopping trip. And yesterday I did just that. I went with a plan of spending money, getting some clothes and replenishing my closet. I bought a few shirts, a jacket, a purse but no pants. I need pants in the worst way. So to complete my shopping trip I ordered 6 pairs of pants online this morning. Along with a couple more shirts. I like retail therapy.

And finally: My mood

As I said before, I am slowly getting better. It is strange how much different my emotions are this time around. I am almost void of emotions. For a while I couldn't feel anything but sadness. Sadness all the time. I couldn't smile, I couldn't even say I love you to D because I couldn't fathom the emotion of love. I was just sad and numb to everything else. Slowly I am able to smile again. I almost burst into tears at the hockey game last night because a couple was there with their new baby and everyone was fussing over him. I stayed far away and I don't like that I have that resent and jealousy but I am allowing myself to feel what I need to feel right now.

See? I told you. A Smorgasbord (and yes I googled to see how to spell that word)

So much to say

and yet nothing to say at all.

I have a few things I can post about but I just don't know what to write.

I didn't have a great day today, some days are sad and some are ok. Today was a hard day for several reasons and then I get news that an amazing woman also had her heart broken today. My thoughts are with Sulfa and Mr Sulfa and I wish there was something I could do for them but I know there is not.
Let your tears come. Let them water your soul.
Eileen Mayhew

Guitar Lessons

Just before I got married I decided to start taking guitar lessons. D had an old guitar that he planned to learn but never did and I thought I would like to do that. So I took a few private lessons and actually knew a few chords. I even bought myself a new guitar.

But then I quit.

I keep saying that I need to pull it out again and relearn the chords and what not. Then I was told about a 12-week course to teach guitar with my old teacher. So I decided to sign up. This way it is a designated time, I am in a class with others and I paid for the full 12 weeks. So I have to stick with it.

I am going to learn to play guitar. If only I had a nice singing voice....

A decision

Day by day I start to feel a little better. While I am still shattered and heart broken and devastated, I am finding a way to fight back to myself.

And while I truly and honestly think that a big part of me has changed, I am starting to feel back to somewhat normal little by little.

A big part of this is rational thinking. In my darkest days I gave up, I told D to leave me and then said I would just leave him because I am not able to give him what he wants and what he deserves. In my darkest moments I laid in the bottom of my shower curled in a ball, sobbing. D had to peel me off the couch, off the bed, off the bathroom floor. It wasn't pretty.

And today, as the light slowly started to creep back in, we talked. Rationally. And we made a choice. I told D I don't want to give up yet (even though I said that I did numerous times over the past couple of weeks). And while I am about 90% sure that I will never do a full cycle of IVF again, I don't want to give up. So instead of ignoring the appointment altogether, next week I will have my post IVF appointment with my RE and I will listen to what he has to say. I will ask many questions and we will make a new plan. I don't know if that plan is a FET (that is of course if they were able to freeze any remaining embryos), if that plan is charting and hoping on our 4-7% chance of conceiving spontaneously, or if that plan is exploring the idea of adoption. But either way, the plan will be put in place and we will continue and move on.

In the meantime, we are taking a bit of a break. I want my body to have time to heal (and I am sure the RE will suggest this as well) and my mind and emotions also need to rest and heal. We are still taking our vacation in April and we will not be 'protecting' against a pregnancy. I don't plan on charting but we all know how that goes.

So there it is. At this point, I can't handle the thought of going through this heartache again but I also can't handle the thought of living the rest of my life childless and knowing that D will never be a father.

For now, we wait to see what the RE will say next Friday afternoon.

1 Year

January 10, 2010. 1 year ago today. I got my very first BFP ever. I was aware of my pregnancy for 13 days before I started to bleed. I cherished every second of that pregnancy and I knew today was going to be hard. I would be mourning the loss of my first pregnancy while still dealing with the emotions from my second.

I imagined the day would be hard, I knew I would be unhappy. So what happens today to put the icing on the cake? I get word that my otherwise healthy Memere was brought to hospital by ambulance last night, had a heart attack, a bowel obstruction and was admitted to the ICU.

So I spent my breaks and my lunch in the ICU with my dad and uncle and my memere. Still no final word on what is going on. She cannot stop vomiting and so far her heart looks ok. Waiting for more tests.

So to sum up. Today fucking sucks. 

I gave it back

Before leaving for my long stay in the city where the Fertility clinic is, my mom stopped by with something that she and my dad wanted to give us to help out with our IVF. Money.

She handed me an envelope with $500 in it. She said it was what they could do and they wanted to help us with our expenses and since there was nothing more they could do, that's what they wanted to contribute. I didn't want to accept it but she cried. So I took it, all the while thinking that I would pay them back one day.

When I returned from the city, I hadn't even so much as opened the envelope. The entire 500 was still in it and I contemplated what to do with the money. Should we put it on the credit card to help with some of the charges we made while we were there? (meds, the apartment etc) or should I start a bank account for the future baby if IVF proved to be successful? I decided to sit on it for a while and make a decision when the answer was more clear.

Well we know where I am at now. And the money? Well I wanted nothing to do with it. So today I put it in a bigger envelope with a letter to my parents explaining that I couldn't take the money and have nothing to show for it and how it is bad enough that we wasted a large sum of our own money, I didn't want them to have to waste one red cent of theirs. We went to their house and I discreetly left it on their kitchen table. I don't know if they found it yet but I hope we never bring it up again.

Taking a Vacation

Before IVf we decided that if we could financially do it, we would take a vacation in April. Either way. If I was pregnant then it would be good to get away one last time before the baby would be born and if I wasn't then it would be nice to take a vacation and try and leave my worries at home.

So we all know the outcome. And so I am not changing that plan. I am going on a vacation.

A group of our friends are heading to Cuba at the end of the month but my paid holidays don't kick in until March (or April, I am not sure) so we decided to head out on Good Friday for 1 week to a hot destination. The criteria? It much be a hot destination, an all inclusive resort, 4 Stars or better with many restaurants and bars and it MUST be adults only. There is no way I want to spend my vacation away from my trouble surrounded by families and babies. No thank you.

As soon as I am able to look forward to things again I am sure I will get excited about this vacation. Until then, I am looking for the perfect destination. We are thinking Mexico or Jamaica but we are not too picky as long as it meets the criteria.

My outlet

This blog has taken many turns. It started as a random blog for my everyday life. It quickly became a hopeful TTC blog. Then took a turn to a possible Trouble TTC blog as I began fertility testing. Then briefly it was a miracle pregnancy blog. Then there was the first heartbreak of a miscarriage. Then back to a hopeful TTC blog with random musings thrown in here and there. Then it became a T-TTC blog and quickly an IVF blog.

And now? Now it is my outlet. There are not many (read any) people IRL who I really feel comfortable letting it all out with. I let bits and pieces here and there but I have trouble baring my whole soul to someone. It's weird.

Today was a bad day. My job is not ideal for someone who is going through what I am going through. Working in a Diagnostic Imaging department is not a great place for me to be. But it is what it is. Today seemed like a never ending stream of salt being poured into my wounds.

Today, I booked an ultrasound for a girl who was early in a pregnancy and spotting and my heart broke for her, I booked an ultrasound for a girl who I have seen before who has been a pain and has not taken her pregnancy seriously (I won't get into specifics but you can be sure that she is not happy about the 30 week old fetus in her womb right now), I watched as a young girl sat in the waiting room with her boyfriend laughing and giggling while she waited for her ultrasound to find out if there was still enough time for her to get an abortion.

I congratulated a girl I know who just got married last weekend (which was hard for me because even smiling these days is an extreme chore but I didn't want to be rude). She promptly asked me if we were "trying to have a baby yet??" I flatly said no and quickly turned around and walked away quickly while swallowing the giant lump in my throat.

I returned from my break to find my co-worker booking an ultrasound for a girl who screws a different guy every night of any given weekend. By that point I had had it.

Then I realized that my life (especially my work) is going to be one long day like today. People will always be pregnant, people will always have accidental pregnancies or pregnancies that they don't want. The world is cruel and unfair and I am stuck in the middle of it all wanting something so badly that I feel anger towards those who have it. I hate that part of this whole process. I have never been an angry, jealous, bitter person. Not until infertility finds you, do you truly understand what this is like.

Meanwhile, D sits by and holds me and waits for his wife to return. I am beginning to think she is gone forever.

The shell that's left

Today it came to me. Exactly how I feel. It has been hard to describe. It's like a numb, empty, painful, full feeling. See? Makes no sense.

Today I figured it out. The Dee that everyone knew died. She is gone and what is left is a shell of a person that is just going through the motions. I care about nothing but my heartache. I was back to work today and thought to myself "All I can do is the job in front of me. I cannot be the cheery, happy person that people are used to, she is dead." Then came the OB ultrasounds for the afternoon and the calls to book the OB ultrasounds, and the URGENT ultrasound needed for the crack head to see how far along she is because she is too cracked out to know when her last period was. But she will deliver ANOTHER healthy, happy baby. A baby that she probably doesn't even want, a baby who will never know who its father is and a baby that will not even be important enough for her to straighten herself out. Another baby for her mother to raise.

Normally, this is my favorite time of the year. The World Juniors. Canada is going for Gold again and I can barely crack a smile over that. I am usually so hyped about it and excited but this year, I watch the games in silent. My nephew usually calls me after every period and we talk about the plays and the goals and the penalties but if he called, I wouldn't even answer the phone because I don't want to talk to anyone.

My BIL is taking him to the Bronze and Gold medal games. I should be jealous and excited for him and I should be telling everyone how lucky he is to get to be there live. But I am not. He wants to call me and talk about how excited he is but my sister won't let him because she knows I am in my bubble, behind my wall, in my deep, dark place. (I know this because my dad tells me)

Speaking of my dad. He came over yesterday with my lecture. I knew it was coming. When something bad happens in my life, I shut down. I build walls around me and I mope and cry. This time is no different and is probably even worse. So my dad, being the dad he is, wants to fix it all and came over to give me the lecture yesterday. And I just sat here and cried listening to him. I don't know what to do  but I know that his speech is not going to help this time. Everyone is worried, Dee. Everyone loves you and wants to be here for you, Dee. You can't go to that deep dark place, Dee. We cannot let you get so deep into a depression that it scares us, Dee. We are so worried about you, Dee.

And the shell that is left just sits and cries.

Home alone today

D had to go back to work today. And while I have not been much company lately, it was nice to have him here. Here to hold me while I cry, here to keep me from having continuous meltdowns and here to answer the phone and field the calls that I just don't want to take.

And now he is working, for 12 hours. I am all alone for 12 hours and the loneliness is palpable. Yet another reminder of the quiet that my life is. The baby-less all alone, quietness.

You know how when you think about your future there is something particular in the picture? For me, for as long as I can remember I pictured a family. A husband, and at least 1 child, even 2. And now when I look at my future I don't know what I see. I have nothing to look forward to. For the past 3+ years I have been looking forward to a healthy pregnancy, to becoming a mother. And now? Nothing to look forward to and that is a heartbreaking adjustment.

Tomorrow I return to work. Return to the scene of my breakdown. My crying in front of my computer, my crying in my boss' office. I am sure I will be getting many sad looks and pitying glances. ::sigh::

I am still devastated, still heartbroken, still shattered. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

I should probably take a blogging break because these whiney, self centered, sad and depressing blogs probably don't make for a great read.

The Days are Long

The minutes don't go fast enough.

I am drained. All I do is lay on the couch and stare and cry yet I am exhausted. And sleep is the only way I can escape the heartbreak. For some reason I don't dream about it, my dreams are normal and I may even smile in them. And then for the 2 minutes while I am waking up, the pain seeps back in and the minutes go by at a painful and awful crawl.

I don't know what to do from here. I don't know how to begin to repair the broken heart. Poor D just sits and holds me and rubs my back and tries to get me to eat. I eat when I get hungry, which isn't often though. Maybe once or twice a day. But I eat.

I don't know what is worse. That I am going through this again? That I dragged my body, mind and finances through hell for something that I convinced myself was a sure thing? My body responded well, very well to all of the meds. Yes, I had many side effects and I was kind of miserable but it was all worth it because I just knew that this was going to work. I just knew it. Every nurse and doctor told me how well I was doing and they were all so positive and they were all so helpful and they convinced me that this would work. And now what? Nothing.

Now, not only am I losing ANOTHER pregnancy but I have to feel every pain and moment of it and I have to see it leaving my body.

I will never be a mom. I have always wanted to be a mom. I was never one of those teens that thought having kids would be horrible. I always knew that I would be a mom and a great mom at that. But now the dream is over.

I will not go through IVF again. I will not. It's too much. I really can't go through it all again. On top of the meds, the monitoring, the stress, the money, there is also the fact that I am away from home for 3 weeks during the whole thing. It's too much. I cannot and will not go through it again. I knew from the start that this would be a one time shot for us. I guess I just never really prepared myself for it not working. Or for another miscarriage.

How does a person look to the future anymore? My future always included a baby. And now it looks pretty lonely. Just me. I think about D and how much he deserves to be a dad and will I be enough for him? When his friends are all taking their kids skating or swimming, or to hockey practice and baseball games. When they are away for weekends at tournaments and out of town games. Will I be enough for him to just stay home and watch tv? My heart breaks for that. He feel in love with a broken woman and I don't know how to fix it.

I could go on and on about all of this. I think I needed a way to get this out. If you made it through the whole thing, I am impressed. Sorry to depress you and make you read all about my heartache and heart break.

I am happy to give 2010 a big huge FUCK YOU and while I know 2011 will not be any better, at least it's not the year where I miscarried twice, once after going through IVF and once after experiencing a wonderful miracle or the year when I realized that my dream of being a mom is over.