That's right, readers. I am leaving.
TTC and Other Random Musings has moved to Wordpress. Not only do I have a new home over there but I also have a new name.
Please join me at Taking the Scenic Route.
For those who want to cut and paste into their reader or following section: http://deesscenicroute.wordpress.com/
I hope to see you over there.
xoxo
Friday, June 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Feeling drunk and guilty, D's bitterness and more
I have been meaning to write this post for a few days but time has eluded me. So here it is.
I got drunk on Saturday. The wedding offered an open bar and I took advantage. My plan was to be starting the FET soon after so I was not going to drink. But the FET got postponed and I still had my period (the last very very light day) so I drank. And I got drunk. And I felt guilty afterwards. I have no need to feel guilty, I am not in treatment yet and I am about a month away from it so it is perfectly fine. I wasn't falling down drunk or anything, but I was feeling tipsy and in no pain. Hopefully it was the last HOORAH for a while.
D showed his first signs of bitterness this past weekend. D is patient, kind, loving and has been absolutely amazing throughout this who IF ordeal. I have a distant cousin who is young and immature. She recently had an OOPS baby. She smoked through her pregnancy and I am always giving her the side eye. Well she and her bf were at the wedding. He bf is apparently 19 or 20 but he honestly looks about 15 years old and I am not exagerating. Well once D found out that he was the baby daddy, he was giving him the bitter glare all night. And then at one point he said "HE LOOKS 13 AND HE IS A DAD??? UGH DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED"
It broke myheart quite a bit but also made me feel like less of a monster when I feel those bitter and jealous feelings towards other people.
Father's day was hard. But thankfully we spent the day travelling back home, just the 2 of us. I envisioned next year's Father's day and hoped that next year we (meaning me and BABY) will be making a nice breakfast for D. I have these dreams every year on key holidays and important days and then the next year rolls around and I have to hope once again for the next year. (Mother's day 2009 will be different...Easter 2010 we will have a little bunny of our own....Maybe I will be pregnant for the family reunion in 2011....Father's Day 2012 will be a great day)
Also, I start to pee on OPKs tomorrow for the 2nd mock cycle. Think good cycle thoughts for me.
I got drunk on Saturday. The wedding offered an open bar and I took advantage. My plan was to be starting the FET soon after so I was not going to drink. But the FET got postponed and I still had my period (the last very very light day) so I drank. And I got drunk. And I felt guilty afterwards. I have no need to feel guilty, I am not in treatment yet and I am about a month away from it so it is perfectly fine. I wasn't falling down drunk or anything, but I was feeling tipsy and in no pain. Hopefully it was the last HOORAH for a while.
D showed his first signs of bitterness this past weekend. D is patient, kind, loving and has been absolutely amazing throughout this who IF ordeal. I have a distant cousin who is young and immature. She recently had an OOPS baby. She smoked through her pregnancy and I am always giving her the side eye. Well she and her bf were at the wedding. He bf is apparently 19 or 20 but he honestly looks about 15 years old and I am not exagerating. Well once D found out that he was the baby daddy, he was giving him the bitter glare all night. And then at one point he said "HE LOOKS 13 AND HE IS A DAD??? UGH DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED"
It broke myheart quite a bit but also made me feel like less of a monster when I feel those bitter and jealous feelings towards other people.
Father's day was hard. But thankfully we spent the day travelling back home, just the 2 of us. I envisioned next year's Father's day and hoped that next year we (meaning me and BABY) will be making a nice breakfast for D. I have these dreams every year on key holidays and important days and then the next year rolls around and I have to hope once again for the next year. (Mother's day 2009 will be different...Easter 2010 we will have a little bunny of our own....Maybe I will be pregnant for the family reunion in 2011....Father's Day 2012 will be a great day)
Also, I start to pee on OPKs tomorrow for the 2nd mock cycle. Think good cycle thoughts for me.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
40 Followers
It's official. I have 40 followers.
At one point in time 40 different people cared what I had to say. I am quite certain that 40 people don't read my blog all the time. I am quite certain that my early followers have probably given up on me by now. But that's OK. I feel special to have 40 followers.
So HEYYYYYYY to all my 40 followers.
At one point in time 40 different people cared what I had to say. I am quite certain that 40 people don't read my blog all the time. I am quite certain that my early followers have probably given up on me by now. But that's OK. I feel special to have 40 followers.
So HEYYYYYYY to all my 40 followers.
Monday, June 20, 2011
A beautiful wedding
This weekend my cousin got married. Everything was beautiful and we all had a blast!!
She and her new husband are an amazing couple. they compliment each other so well and they are clearly very much in love.
I love weddings!!
D & I waiting for the limo to bring us to the venue.
My dad and his 3 daughters. (my mom was not able to make it to the wedding)
The happy couple
Another one of D & I
She and her new husband are an amazing couple. they compliment each other so well and they are clearly very much in love.
I love weddings!!
D & I waiting for the limo to bring us to the venue.
My dad and his 3 daughters. (my mom was not able to make it to the wedding)
The female cousins.
The happy couple
Another one of D & I
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Feeling better
As I knew would happen, my intial disappointment has dissipated. It is not completely gone, I still hate my body and cannot understand why there is always something. But I am hopeful and confident in the next mock cycle.
I know that it is better this way and I would rather have to do this mock over one more time and to postpone the FET one more month than to ever have to experience a loss again or even a failed cycle. If this is what needs to be done to make sure that my body is good and ready to carry a healthy pregnancy then bring it on. I will take all of this heartache, all of this pain if it's going to give us a better chance at expanding our family.
So, I am still disappointed and I am still upset but I am being a little more logical and coming to terms with the fact that it's what needs to be done. Dr.L is a smart and compassionate guy and I trust his decisions.
Also, I am going to ask for my progesterone to be drawn on day 7,8 and 9 after my LH surge. Normally they do it on Day 7 but it can be drawn anywhere from Day 7-9. And because my level was so close on Day 7 and then dropped on Day 9, I am going to request a draw each day for comparison.
We will get there.
I know that it is better this way and I would rather have to do this mock over one more time and to postpone the FET one more month than to ever have to experience a loss again or even a failed cycle. If this is what needs to be done to make sure that my body is good and ready to carry a healthy pregnancy then bring it on. I will take all of this heartache, all of this pain if it's going to give us a better chance at expanding our family.
So, I am still disappointed and I am still upset but I am being a little more logical and coming to terms with the fact that it's what needs to be done. Dr.L is a smart and compassionate guy and I trust his decisions.
Also, I am going to ask for my progesterone to be drawn on day 7,8 and 9 after my LH surge. Normally they do it on Day 7 but it can be drawn anywhere from Day 7-9. And because my level was so close on Day 7 and then dropped on Day 9, I am going to request a draw each day for comparison.
We will get there.
Friday, June 10, 2011
FET postponed
I am so upset right now. Why does my body hate me so much?
My progesterone came back at 29 and they would like to see it over 30 so I was told to get it redrawn 2 days later. I did. The result came back at 10.
One more thing that my body can't do right. So Dr. L decided to postpone the FET and do another mock cycle.
In the grand scheme of things, this is for the best. We want to be 100% sure that everything is OK before moving forward with this but it's just another slap in the face. Another bump in the road and other other cliche you can think of. But mainly it fucking sucks.
It's just nature and I have nothing and no one to blame it on so I am blaming it on myself. On my body. This body that can't do anything right. I feel like such a failure as a woman and a wife. All of this for 1 stupid number. I will feel better and look at this from the positive angle soon but right now I am upset and I can't hold back the tears any longer. I just want to go to bed and pretend like today never happened.
Wake me up when the road gets smoother please?
My progesterone came back at 29 and they would like to see it over 30 so I was told to get it redrawn 2 days later. I did. The result came back at 10.
One more thing that my body can't do right. So Dr. L decided to postpone the FET and do another mock cycle.
In the grand scheme of things, this is for the best. We want to be 100% sure that everything is OK before moving forward with this but it's just another slap in the face. Another bump in the road and other other cliche you can think of. But mainly it fucking sucks.
It's just nature and I have nothing and no one to blame it on so I am blaming it on myself. On my body. This body that can't do anything right. I feel like such a failure as a woman and a wife. All of this for 1 stupid number. I will feel better and look at this from the positive angle soon but right now I am upset and I can't hold back the tears any longer. I just want to go to bed and pretend like today never happened.
Wake me up when the road gets smoother please?
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A lovely surprise *sarcasm*
Yesterday I got home from work and I was petting Roxy, and my hand touched some kind of lump. It kind of felt like a big human mole. My first thought was that it was something stuck in her fur. Upon closer inspection by D and I, I was wrong.
It was a tick!!!!!!!! and it had been feasting on her for about 24 hours.
So we called the Vet and they said to bring her right away and they would remove it. So we hopped in the car and drove the 1/2 hour to the vet's office where they confirmed that it was a tick and they removed it. we probably could have done it ourselves but I wanted to be sure there was no part of it left in her and I also had questions.
So, we bought her some Revolution for fleas and ticks and got the following information. The ticks in my area don't carry Lyme disease- PHEW!! They are pretty bad this year, they have been getting at least 1 call a day from people finding ticks. They live in grassy, wooded areas. So she picked it up when we took her for a nice walk through the bush on Sunday.
Thankfully I found it and we avoided infection (so far). It was scary and I was worried about her becoming ill from the tick but thankfully all is good. My poor girl.
For those interested: the tick was pretty engorged and D described it perfectly. Like a big rotten (brown in color) popcorn kernel that is attached to the skin. If you attempt to remove it yourself, use tweezers or forceps, get it right at the head (where is it attached to the skin, as deep as possible and even maybe squeeze the skin to make sure you get it all)
It was a tick!!!!!!!! and it had been feasting on her for about 24 hours.
So we called the Vet and they said to bring her right away and they would remove it. So we hopped in the car and drove the 1/2 hour to the vet's office where they confirmed that it was a tick and they removed it. we probably could have done it ourselves but I wanted to be sure there was no part of it left in her and I also had questions.
So, we bought her some Revolution for fleas and ticks and got the following information. The ticks in my area don't carry Lyme disease- PHEW!! They are pretty bad this year, they have been getting at least 1 call a day from people finding ticks. They live in grassy, wooded areas. So she picked it up when we took her for a nice walk through the bush on Sunday.
Thankfully I found it and we avoided infection (so far). It was scary and I was worried about her becoming ill from the tick but thankfully all is good. My poor girl.
For those interested: the tick was pretty engorged and D described it perfectly. Like a big rotten (brown in color) popcorn kernel that is attached to the skin. If you attempt to remove it yourself, use tweezers or forceps, get it right at the head (where is it attached to the skin, as deep as possible and even maybe squeeze the skin to make sure you get it all)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Wonderful weekend
Ever since we got back from Mexico, I have been feeling very alone and neglected. I so like my alone time but I also like spending time with D. And just D. D, on the other hand, likes having people around. Don't get me wrong, having people around is also great but I do enjoy the alone time with my husband.
We got back from Mexico and it was like he had no interest in hanging out with me. He was off golfing, gone for fishing weekends, out with friends, breaking plans with me to do something else. Those kinds of things don't normally bother me but this time, it hurt. I was working my ass off at 3 jobs and just felt alone all the time when I was home. It was like he was purposely avoiding me.
Now keep in mind, I am under some stress and uber sensitive emotionally due to the FET. But I was feeling like I had to beg him to spend time with me and I refuse to do that. If he doesn't want to be around me then I don't want to force him. So once night I brought my feelings up and he apologized, saying that he was sorry I felt that way and it was certainly not the case.
So this weekend, I had a wonderful time with my husband. Friday evening we went out for dinner, just the 2 of us (normally he would invite someone else). Then we rented a couple of movies and parked out butts on the couch to watch them. On Saturday morning we slept in, our nephew came over for about an hour and a half to play and then D shipped him back home and we went out and had a bite to eat for lunch, ran some errands and did groceries. We came home and cleaned the house, puttered around and just spent some time together. We showered together, had sex, layed together and just spent time in each other's company.
Then on Saturday night, a few friends came over and we chatted, watched the hockey game, the baseball game and UFC fights. Everyone (except me and my pregnant friend) had a few drinks and then we went out to a bar. (the pregnant friend and her husband went home) D and I left the bar together at about 1:45 am (normally we leave separately). We came home and had a little snack together and then off to bed.
Sunday we woke up and chatted for a while and then he made me waffles, we sat outside and chatted some more and then decided to head out to my parents camp to visit for the afternoon. While we were there we went for a nice walk in the bush with the dogs (Roxy and my parents' dog, Mika) we held hands, chatted, laughed. It was nice. Later, we walked down to the beach together and threw a frisbee a couple of times. We had dinner with my parents and then headed back home.
I am not a demanding person, I don't need fancy romantic evenings and expensive gifts. I just need to feel like I am wanted and that he wants me around. This weekend was perfect. He took notice of me and we also enjoyed the company of others too.
I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.
We got back from Mexico and it was like he had no interest in hanging out with me. He was off golfing, gone for fishing weekends, out with friends, breaking plans with me to do something else. Those kinds of things don't normally bother me but this time, it hurt. I was working my ass off at 3 jobs and just felt alone all the time when I was home. It was like he was purposely avoiding me.
Now keep in mind, I am under some stress and uber sensitive emotionally due to the FET. But I was feeling like I had to beg him to spend time with me and I refuse to do that. If he doesn't want to be around me then I don't want to force him. So once night I brought my feelings up and he apologized, saying that he was sorry I felt that way and it was certainly not the case.
So this weekend, I had a wonderful time with my husband. Friday evening we went out for dinner, just the 2 of us (normally he would invite someone else). Then we rented a couple of movies and parked out butts on the couch to watch them. On Saturday morning we slept in, our nephew came over for about an hour and a half to play and then D shipped him back home and we went out and had a bite to eat for lunch, ran some errands and did groceries. We came home and cleaned the house, puttered around and just spent some time together. We showered together, had sex, layed together and just spent time in each other's company.
Then on Saturday night, a few friends came over and we chatted, watched the hockey game, the baseball game and UFC fights. Everyone (except me and my pregnant friend) had a few drinks and then we went out to a bar. (the pregnant friend and her husband went home) D and I left the bar together at about 1:45 am (normally we leave separately). We came home and had a little snack together and then off to bed.
Sunday we woke up and chatted for a while and then he made me waffles, we sat outside and chatted some more and then decided to head out to my parents camp to visit for the afternoon. While we were there we went for a nice walk in the bush with the dogs (Roxy and my parents' dog, Mika) we held hands, chatted, laughed. It was nice. Later, we walked down to the beach together and threw a frisbee a couple of times. We had dinner with my parents and then headed back home.
I am not a demanding person, I don't need fancy romantic evenings and expensive gifts. I just need to feel like I am wanted and that he wants me around. This weekend was perfect. He took notice of me and we also enjoyed the company of others too.
I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)