Like a ton of bricks

I knew today was coming. I noticed it on the calendar last week. But this morning I did not think of it. I did not realize the date.

Then when I was out running errands I had to write the date and there it was taunting me and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Today is January 23rd, the day that my first pregnancy ended. The day I started bleeding and cramping and had a nervous breakdown.

::sigh::

Another tattoo?

I have always considered the idea of another tattoo. I have 3. I got my first when I was about 16, behind my parents' back. It is a Chinese symbol that means Happiness, the next I got when I was 18 or 19, it is another Chinese symbol on the other side of my lower back that means "Truth" The third I got in Vegas in 2009. It is on my foot, near my heel, just below my ankle bone. It is an L and a 3 that are together and looks like a heart in hot pink. The L is the last-name initial of my maiden name (and also my married name) and the 3 represents my 2 sisters and I.

I vowed never to get a tattoo unless I was really sure and it had some meaning. I have decided I want another one and I know exactly what I want. I want something to honor my 2 lost babies. They both had EDDs in September and one of the flowers of September is the forget-me-not. So I want to get 2 forget-me-nots (which incidentally in tattoo form mean "remembrance"). I am thinking maybe on the top of my foot but I am not sure. I like having them in places that I can hide if need be. (professional or classy reasons)But I know for sure that I want this tattoo and I want it in a place where I can look at it without contorting myself or having to use a mirror.

I am welcoming suggestions for placement and also suggestions for design, if anyone is artistically inclined or knows of a good website, I would be very grateful.

The telephone appointment

I had my phone consultation with Dr L yesterday. It was my post-IVF appointment. When we finally got on the phone together (there was a huge mess of him calling the wrong numbers, being late, thinking I was a no show in the office) the first thing he said was "do you have any questions?" I wanted to say WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME? but bursting into tears didn't seem like my smartest option so I said Not really cause I wanted him to direct the appointment.

So he told me that he usually goes over the chart and then will tell me what would be done differently next time. He is pretty sure I overstimulated. Even though I didn't get OHSS (because I really listened and obeyed the prevention advice), I had way too many eggs mature. He said that what happens is that the bad quality eggs get too excited and join the party when they really shouldn't. So he started telling me how my next cycle would be changed. I said "I am going to stop you right there. I have zero intention of doing a full IVF cycle again, it was too hard on me emotionally, financially and physically"

Then he tells me that I have 4 embryos frozen (I guess the 3rd and 4th really kicked it up a notch on that last day cause they thought I would only get to freeze 2) 2 are better quality than the other 2 but I do have 4 decent ones. 

So our next step with them is to do a FET (Frozen embryo transfer) on a natural cycle, meaning I will not have to take any meds (which is great for me) because I have a regular 28-30 day cycle. He actually said that for some people a FET is better than a fresh IVF cycle because the meds sometimes overstimulate your uterus and make it TOO thick (I had no idea that was a possibility but he is the expert)

So because we will never have a real answer, I am going with the info that I was overstimulated and it made a whole bad combination. It doesn't make it hurt any less but I am more educated about things now. 

While I am not even close to ready to do the FET yet, we are thinking maybe Spring or Summer for that.

In the meantime, he is rechecking my thyroid to make sure all is well still and I am also getting a Saline Injection Scan (Sonohysterography) which I don't know what it is yet but I will get info.
And when I am ready, I will just call the clinic with my Day 1 for my mock cycle and I will be monitored through that and then the next cycle will be our FET. We have some big decisions to make before then (how many to thaw for transfer) but I am not ready to even think about that yet.

It keeps getting better!

So I got the appointment fiasco handled. No thanks to Dr L's turdbag assistant. I had to call her back since she was ignoring my call and she said she would look into it and call me back.

She called me back finally and informed me that my appointment was a telephone appointment. Dr. L will be phoning me at 2:40 tomorrow afternoon for my appointment. And her tone? Her tone was very condescending like as though I should already know that. I wanted to scream through the phone "REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN YOU LEFT ME A MESSAGE SAYING THAT MY APPOINTMENT WAS DEFINITELY THROUGH THE TELEMEDICINE PROGRAM??????"

So I had to make arrangements for him to call me at work and then make arrangements to find a private area in the department for the appointment. And then I got mad. How freaking personal is that appointment? You can't even face me through a television screen to tell me that I am broken and pretend to be sorry about what happened to me? No, you got my big fat payment so who the hell cares about what happens to me next?

I am so frustrated and I am nervous and feeling a lot of anxiety about this appointment. Or sorry, about this phone call that I have to take in the middle of my work day.

Bullshit.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

That is what the people at the Fertility Clinic SHOULD have said to me as we left after my embryo transfer.

While we were there we were treated fantastically!! Everyone was polite, helpful, hopeful and seemed to really care about us. From the receptionist to the phlebotomists, to the ultrasound technologists, to the nurses and the doctors. Everyone.

But the second I stepped out the door I think they put my chart in a "we already have their money" pile. My after-care was nothing to be desired.

Dr. L got a new assistant and I cannot stand her. I love love love loved his last one., Linda. I loved her. She was fantastic!! I don't know where she went but I wish she never went anywhere. His new assistant never answers her phone, rarely returns messages.

Here is where this is coming from:

On the day of my embryo transfer I was given a date for a post IVF appointment with Dr. L. I informed the nurse that the appointment would have to be done through the Teleconference appointment. She said no problem.

Normally I receive a letter from the teleconference program confirming my appointment. When there was no letter last week, I called Dr. L's twatwaffle assistant and, of course, left her a message. She called back to say it was definitely booked as teleconference and I should be receiving a letter to confirm. Today? Still no letter and the appointment is on Friday. So I call the teleconference co-ordinator at our hospital. She has no record of an appointment for me. None.

FOR FUCK SAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I call the douchenozzle and again leave her a message. She did not call me back. I am pissed and Dr. L is going to hear about this.

Just when I think I am ready

I miss BOTB. I had to take a break because it was all too much. The stupid trolls and the newbies who ask stupid questions (even though I was a stupid newbie asking stupid questions what seems like forever ago) and then seeing all of the pregnant bellies, the tickers and the babies. While I am happy for all of the great women I have met through BOTB, it was just too painful for a while.

I recently started slowly lurking again here and there. Maybe 1-2 posts a day. And then I think I am ready to come back and start posting again and I open a post and just start crying for no reason. It's so stupid because the most support I have gotten has been through BOTB. When people in my real life didn't know things, I told BOTB. When I got my very first BFP, BOTB knew before D knew. The amazing women there have been there for me to cry, to give e-hugs, to laugh and to snark whenever I needed. And yet I am finding it too hard to read the posts, to lurk, to even think about posting anything.

::sigh::

For you BOTB ladies who read this blog, I miss you, I love you.

When the pain seeps in

I had a few moments this weekend. Moments of sheer bitter jealousy. Moments that took my breath away. Moments that made a lump form in my throat so big that it made it hard to breathe. Moments that made me resentful and angry. Moments that made me plain sad.

I hate those moments. I hate every last one of them. Mostly though, I really hate that I have become the person whose eyes well up with tears at the sight of a pregnant woman. The person who feels bitter jealousy to the accidentally pregnant woman.

And while people don't meant to be insensitive, almost everything makes me upset. From the co-worker/friend who is newly pregnant and who is about exactly where I should be to the girl who works in my dad's office who is young and accidentally pregnant who he goes on and on about and how sweet she is and how he refers to her as his 4th daughter and how he dotes over her and buys her treats. "She is such a sweetheart" "I have to buy E some treats to keep on my desk for her, my little sweetheart" It takes everything in me to not say "Well good, now you will have another grandchild from HER" instead I just hang my head and fight back the tears.

Yeah, I hate these moments.