When the pain seeps in

I had a few moments this weekend. Moments of sheer bitter jealousy. Moments that took my breath away. Moments that made a lump form in my throat so big that it made it hard to breathe. Moments that made me resentful and angry. Moments that made me plain sad.

I hate those moments. I hate every last one of them. Mostly though, I really hate that I have become the person whose eyes well up with tears at the sight of a pregnant woman. The person who feels bitter jealousy to the accidentally pregnant woman.

And while people don't meant to be insensitive, almost everything makes me upset. From the co-worker/friend who is newly pregnant and who is about exactly where I should be to the girl who works in my dad's office who is young and accidentally pregnant who he goes on and on about and how sweet she is and how he refers to her as his 4th daughter and how he dotes over her and buys her treats. "She is such a sweetheart" "I have to buy E some treats to keep on my desk for her, my little sweetheart" It takes everything in me to not say "Well good, now you will have another grandchild from HER" instead I just hang my head and fight back the tears.

Yeah, I hate these moments.