And then it hits

I am very proud and very happy to say that my bitterness and anger has been at bay for some time now. I don't want to cry when I see anyone with a baby. I no longer feel hatred and anger towards those people who got pregnant so easily. Every pregnant belly doesn't make me want to cry and lock myself in a dark basement.

The feelings are always lingering in the back of my mind but I have been very good lately and proud to say that the impossible gets more possible every day.

And then it hits. Out of the blue when you are least expecting it. It hits. The knot in your stomach, the lump in your throat when you see a baby, when you see a pregnant lady, when you read yet another pregnancy announcement on facebook, when someone mentions casually that 'so-and-so is pregnant, again!'

Sigh. I don't like feeling this way but I like the small victories. I have been doing really good lately and I am proud and happy for that.

My journey is different that anyone else's and I have to live with what I am dealing with. Others may be luckier than I am in that respect but I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to smile about.

And then it hits...

CD 1: The official beginning of the 1st IVF Stage?

My period showed up on time. CD28. For the first time in a very long time I was very happy to see the bitch get here on time. So, as per instructions I called the RE's office to inform the nurse that today was Day 1 of my cycle and she would advise me how to proceed (even though Dr. L told me that I would start the pill on CD3-aka Monday) I am immediately freaking out because now it is happening. I am hyperventilating (not extreme but in serious need of some deep breaths).

So the girl I speak to informs me that she needs to pull my chart and then she will call me back in a few hours and that our complete payment is due. Ok, fine. So we spend some time on the phone with the credit card company and online moving the money into the proper accounts so that we can pay the credit card bill immediately after the transaction is processed (the only way to pay is by credit card because we live so far away from the office so bringing a check or paying my debit is not an option)

So the time passes and I continue to freak out and run through a string of emotions and the girl calls back. Our conversation goes something like this:

"Hello Dee, we have your chart. I will have a nurse review and she will get back to you some time. If you don't hear from us by Wednesday, maybe try giving us a call. You need a 2 hour information session with the nurse before we can even begin your treatments so chances are you won't be able to start this month"

"Pardon me?? I just had an appointment with Dr. L on Thursday and he assured me that we would be starting this month, that is our plan and he knew my period was due today"


The conversation continued like that for a while. I am extremely frustrated with this broad who knows nothing about OUR situation and OUR file. I am right now going by what Dr. L said and I will be calling his assistant on Monday morning to see what we do. I did not like the attitude of the girl I spoke to, she was not listening to me whatsoever and I realize that there are protocols but I really do not want to hear from a receptionist that I may not be able to start my IVF cycle after my RE said that I am. It's frustrating and scary.


So until tomorrow, I will try to remain calm and see what my doctor has to say. I think they already faxed in my prescription for BCP but I am not 100% sure, will find out tomorrow, I guess.

Ok, readers. You tell me.

I am feeling redundant. I make my video journal blog posts and then I come here and type out the Coles notes version of our IVF journey.

Some people might not want to view the video blog and that's fine. So you tell me, should I make the video journal and also type about it over here too?

Turning 29 Happy Birthday to Dee

Well I turned 29. I am officially (as of yesterday) in my last year in my twenties! Holy shit!!!!

The day was good. I worked, we had our appointment with the RE to sign all of our consents and get the ball rolling for IVF. I start BCP any day now (CD3) and then we are full steam ahead. Our Egg Retrieval and Embryo Transfer will happen in late NOvember/Early December. It's pretty overwhelming.

Then D made me supper, Salmon on the BBQ, fried rice and a yummy salad. He also baked my favorite, chocolate chip cookies (my choice instead of a cake).

After cookies, we went to play volleyball. Then watched Grey's and Private Practice and off to bed.

All in all. A not bad birthday.


Dr. L said the best thing when he found out it was my 29th birthday. He said "Happy birthday, on your 30th birthday you very well could be a mother!" I almost cried right then and there!

Off to a baby shower tonight. Wish me luck!

That connection

I have friends.

I have a group of friends and I am close with some of them but I have never had that connection with someone. That best friend connection. Of course I had best friends in school but I have never met that person who I wanted to share everything with. That person who I knew would never judge me.

I want that. I want to meet that one girl friend that I can't go long without talking to. I see people who have that kind of friendship and I am envious. I know there must be someone out there that I would connect with.  Someone who is willing to invest as much into their friendship with me as I invest into my friendships with others. My 2 "best" friends talk to each other several times a day and I am lucky if I talk to them once a week. It's just different.

I just watched Sex and the City and yes, I know that is fiction but most people that I know have at least 1 friend who they have that special connection with and I just sometimes feel sad that I don't have that.

I am feeling weepy tonight. Blah.

Up early

Well damn. I woke up today at 7:45. My last day to sleep in until next Saturday and my body wakes up for the day at 7:45. Normally I would have been able to get right back to sleep but I was having a dream about taking a pregnancy test at work and it came out positive and I was shocked and confused and they determined that it wasn't actually positive but it said so because I had a concussion. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

So once I woke up I started thinking about seeing the 2 lines (though in the dream it was 4 lines all criss-crossed. The plaid HPT) and then I started thinking about IVF and how it is coming so quickly and how many emotions I am dealing with and BAM! I am awake with no chance of going back to sleep.

So let's recap what my life has been like. I am adjusting to working full time and my internet time is suffering. I miss BOTB and facebook and blogger. Though I do get on at least once every 2 days and I am at the very least able to lurk and read back a couple of days.

My new routine consists of me getting up at 5:30-5:40a.m on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday to go to the gym before work.

This week I also played volleyball on Tuesday and Thursday night.

This weekend we spent most of our time at SIL's new house (yes, the one down the street) helping them move in. So today I have to get a mountain of laundry done, do my meal plan for the week and get my groceries.

So this is what it's like to have a real life?

Oh, and I almost forgot! My Halloween costume arrived this week! It's AWESOME!!!!!!!

Hair

Yesterday morning at the gym I spent a significant amount of time observing an older man on the treadmill. He had a bad comb-over and I thought to myself, why? Do they think they are fooling anyone? They are so afraid of being bald that they grow their remaining hair so long so they can cover up the balding.

Why?

Then I spent another significant amount of time trying to understand it. In order to do this I tried to think of something that women do and I realized women do much much crazier things than comb a little extra hair over something to cover it up.

• Pour hot wax on unwanted hair and then promptly rip it out along with a few layers of skin
• spend thousands of dollars on creams and products that will take away our wrinkles
• pull out tiny hairs in sensitive areas, one by one, in swift painful motions
• spend thousands of dollars on makeup to change the color of our eyelids, cheeks and lips and cover our faces in a liquid (or powder) that is the same colour of the skin underneath it
• allow for chemicals to seems into our bodies through our scalp in order to achieve the perfect shade of hair
• spend thousands of dollars on metals, plastics and jewels to hang from different parts of our bodies
• stuff our bras with enhancers, wrap our tummies to make them seem flatter
• colour our finger and toe nails in a rainbow of colours

We go through pain and pay checks for the above list and countless others.

So to you, old man at the gym, I say: Your comb-over looks ridiculous, you are not fooling anyone but if that's the only insecurity you have to cover up then good for you!