A look into my childhood

This post will be a long ventish kind of post and I will not be surprised if nobody even bothers to read it but for my own sanity I am choosing to type it out and get it out of my head.

By no means did I have a horrible childhood. I was fed, clothed and I do have fun memories. I turned out well and I really can't complain about anything too serious. But by no means did I have a charmed childhood either. I spent a lot of time being the forgotten child. Being the youngest of 3 girls I think by the time they got to me my parents had already given out all of their love and attention to bother with me. My mom is not an affectionate person, if I ever wanted a hug or a kiss I had to initiate it. I rarely heard the words 'I love you' growing up and my parents both lacked a lot of patience and I spent a lot of my childhood walking on eggshells trying not to piss them off. Even to this day when my parents tell me they love me, it feels weird.

The oldest daughter, K, was the favorite. The sun rose and set on her and she could really do no wrong. Her and my mom were always really close and could talk about anything. She got the best birthday parties and was clearly the favorite. In a recent conversation about this she actually stated "I was so the favorite, I could do no wrong. I got pregnant as a teenager and I still could do no wrong" The fact that even she recognized this was assurance that this was not all in my head all of those years.

The second daughter, N, was a trouble maker and a daddy's girl. She was clearly my dad's favorite. She was the classic middle child, she never got along with anyone unless it suited her that day and she was constantly getting into trouble, either at school, with boys, outside of school, with my parents. She was always being disciplined and my parents were losing sleep worrying about her. She and my mom would get into horrible fights and it wouldn't even phase her one bit. Eventually she grew out of that stage (not until she was about 20 or 21).

Then there was me. The baby. I was an attention whore from the start, looking back on it now I see it's because after praising the first one and disciplining the next one there was not a whole lot of time to worry about the little one. I was constantly trying to get the attention of my parents and my older sisters, I looked up to them so much and just wanted approval from them. Things that stick with you as you grow older is never having your parents around. I only remember 1 school christmas concert that my parents attended in my whole life. Throughout grade school and high school they never attended a Christmas concert, a school play, special presentations in class, a volleyball game or a basketball game. While my parents went all out to throw birthday parties for K and N, I never EVER had one. Can you imagine a child not having a birthday party? Not even one.

I remember once asking my mom why my baby book was so empty. She replied "Well I was raising 3 small girls. I didn't really have time to fill in your baby book or take as many pictures of you. I had already been there and done that" I realize that a baby book and pictures are not as important as feeding me and caring for me but those are the kinds of things a person would like to have as an adult.

Then when I was 11 (almost 12) my teenager sister had a baby. They still lived at home with us and things in my life changed a little. The leftover attention that I DID get was directed to her along with a whole bunch more. I loved my niece so much, it was like having a little sister and she looked up to me so much and loved me. N took it all differently, she viewed the baby as an attack against her from K. Her and K would fight constantly. I recall several times when my niece was a toddler and I would have to swiftly grab her, put her in a room with some toys and close the door. Then I would come running out into the living room to break up the fight that had just broke out between K & N: something that should not be the youngest sister's job.

This post didn't go exactly where I was hoping for it to go. I guess I am starting to figure out who I am as a person, I am getting quite tired of being a pushover and allowing people to walk all over me. I am tired of walking on eggshells for my whole life just to try and keep everyone happy. Recent arguments with my sister and with my parents are starting to tell me that I should not beat myself up over little things. I spend too much time trying to be the nice guy in public while crying in private.

I must be PMSing or something.

Congratulations if you made it through this entire post. I know I am posting this whiny post with the chance of someone telling me to suck it up and get over it. I know they are millions and millions of people who had HORRIBLE childhoods but this is just my story and my feelings.

Rose colored glasses

Ahhh, being just a day or 2 post ovulation is a fun time. The sex was timed nicely and I get filled with this strange sense of hopefulness that THIS is the cycle. I begin imagining getting my BFP, I think about what plans we have coming up over the next few months and picture myself pregnant at these events. I imagine what it would be like to announce the news on the message board and to my family and friends.

Yes, viewing the next couple of weeks with rose colored glasses is fun. Then my period shows up or I get  BFN and all of those high hopes come crashing down and have nowhere to go except out my eyes.

Fun times.

Tomorrow begins a long week

Beginning tomorrow I will be working 7 days in a row. Thankfully 2 of those days will be just 4 hour shifts but still I will be working everyday from tomorrow-sunday.

Here is a weekend recap:

Friday night: ate popcorn and nachos and watched the hockey game with D and his friend. Said friend decided to stay overnight and I was feeling all shy and uncomfortable to have sex so I thought we would miss our window for this cycle. Then when I woke up on Saturday and saw my temp was down I woke D up. I decided that I didn't care if he heard the bed squeaking, this is MY house and we are trying to have a baby, if you don't like it take the 20 minute drive back to your own place!

Saturday: D was in a golf tournament so they left early in the morning. I spent the day online, doing laundry, tidying the house. Then my friend came over and I made homemade pizza and we played TV Bingo. Then we joined the guys at another friends place for some drinks. I got really intoxicated and today I feel like shit.

Since today is a lazy day and I am home alone I am just playing around online, relaxing, thinking about having a nap.


In other news: I have yet to speak with my sister. The latest drama in her life before the fight was that her husband wanted to get this puppy. They live in a teeny tiny basement apartment and don't even have a yard or anything. I don't think getting a puppy was a great idea and neither did she. But instead of speak to her and discuss it with her, my lovely brother in law told her that he didn't care what she said he was getting the puppy. He went out and bought a bunch of stuff for this dog without discussing it with her and after she said she thought it was a bad time to get a puppy. He just went behind her back and did it anyway.
So this morning I get a photo texted to me of this puppy. He won, as usual. My sister just sat back and let him have his way rather than discuss it like a real adult married couple. He just went ahead and got the dog.
I can't help but shake my head and after our fight the other day I really don't think I can bite my tongue anymore. I hope that things in their marriage are improving but I have such little respect for her husband that I am struggling with trying to be supportive.

I can't handle the stupidity that is my sister right now

I have been trying to keep my judgements to myself but after this fight I am letting it all out.

My sister who got married in December has an awful marriage. For the first couple of months of their marriage BIL was not working. He was drinking heavily, playing video games all day and really not trying to find a job. Because of this my sister had zero respect for him and they were stressed and fighting a lot. She said numerous times that she should have never married him.

So he finally got a job and things seemed to be getting a little better. But just as quickly as things started to improve they got worse too. He was still drinking and the fighting never really stopped. There were a few really bad fights where he packed his stuff and threatened to leave, he told her that he wasn't attracted to her anymore and that their marriage was a joke. She kept forgiving him and pretending like nothing happened. Time after time. He would verbally abuse her and say nasty, awful things to her and then he would just pretend like nothing happened the next day and she would just allow this to happen.

So then I find out that during all of this they were TTC the entire time. Because you know, bringing a baby into that mess is a great idea.

(that is the coles notes version of the entire mess)

So now we are on to today.

She informed me that her doctor is sending her for fertility testing.  (all of this is on facebook chat)

They have been trying and only married for 5 MONTHS!!

She said that she told him they have been trying since December and he said "well sometimes it takes time" then she said that he came back in and said "I will order some tests and just say that you have been trying for over a year"

I ABSOLUTELY LOST IT!

First I said "wow, what a good doctor" ***insert massive eyeroll***

I said that was a huge waste of health care dollars and that she is taking time away from people who actually need the tests. Then she asked me what my problem is. And I told her that she has been trying for a mere 5 MONTHS and that does not mean they are infertile. Then she had the nerve to say "I know it is hard for you and I am sorry" so I told her that was not why I was upset.

She said "You are acting like you are paying for this out of your pocket" Well no... but the government is and I hate to see our health care taken advantage of.

I told her that fertility testing is not fun then before I said something about my feelings on her marriage I decided that I should end the conversation. So I took the very mature approach, told her to fuck off and logged off.

Then when I got home and had dinner and started to settle down I went back on facebook to find a message basically blaming my own Trouble TTC on my emotional reaction to this news, this infuriated me even more. She told me I had no right to judge her.


There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to make sure that everything is ok. I am not going to apologize for that...and you shouldn't expect me to. You are my sister and you should support my decisions. What if there is something wrong...and I wait for a year or two - then what?
You don't get to judge me, or my doctors choices.

Taking such a negative stance on this, when it in no way affects you makes me sick to my stomach. I have every right to ask the questions and to get the tests to make sure that there won't be any problems. And you have no right to treat me that way or be nasty to me...I don't deserve it.

So here is what I responded (the condensed version):

You have no right to try and tell me that you get what I have been through and what I am going through and you have no right to think that that is why I am upset.

I hope you enjoy the testing, it is awful. Especially when there actually is a reason for it and when something is wrong.

Don't you dare for one second think that I am upset about this because of the struggles that I have been through. You have NO IDEA what I have been through and don't you dare bring any of it up to me or try to blame my being upset on it. 

If there was something wrong and you did have to wait a year or 2 to find that out... you know what that would be???

EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO HAS FERTILITY ISSUES!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE. I don't know who you think you are that makes you special enough to get special treatment.

I don't think you should be jumping to testing so quickly, I think it is selfish and a waste of government money and it is taking away from people who actually need it. Obviously we don't agree on that. but don't you dare ever think that this has to do with my own fertility struggles and blame it on that.

I just don't know what else to say. This has been an extremely long blog post and I could go on and on. Maybe I am overreacting but I am not just going to bite my tongue while she acts so selfishly and irresponsibly. She thinks that because she has had cervical cancer in the past that she should get special treatment.

Yes, cervical cancer is an awful thing to have. I, myself, have had a LEEP biopsy in the past. But honestly, if her doctor thought that this would cause problems for her in the TTC department then he would not have told her that he would lie about the amount of time that she has been TTC in order to get her testing and he would have said "You know, with your history I think it is wise that we do some testing sooner than later." and I would have accepted that.

I am such a drama queen sometimes.

So lately I have been feeling a bit discouraged about TTC and my 1 good tube. So much so that when someone says "all you need is one tube!!" like as if it's a great thing I get upset. I know I only need 1 tube but that 1 tube isn't fucking cooperating alright?!?!?!?!?!?!  Aaaannd breathe.

So last night I started thinking about how we are entering the fertile window of my cycle and there is a bunch of shit happening this weekend that will cause great sex obstacles.

1- D is golfing in a tournament with his friends. He will be gone all day and night and even if he does get home at a decent hour he will be drunk and I am not that interested in having sex with a sloppy drunk.

2- D's friend is coming from OOT and will be staying with us.

So in the midst of me thinking that our sex will be poorly timed (if we are able to even have it at all) I decided that maybe we should take a break this cycle. I am feeling discouraged and sad and think 'what the hell? It's not like I am going to get pregnant anyway? What makes this cycle so much different from the others?

DRAMA QUEEN!!!!!!

When I came back to being rational I realized that we can have sex wednesday, thursday and friday. We can take Saturday off if need be and then Sunday after golf we can have more sex. So really we are only skipping 1 day and that can be a good thing.

Glad I was able to talk myself down from that mess.

DDDRRRAAAMMMAAAAA

Being happy and sad all at the same time

Whenever I hear about a new pregnancy, a little spark of jealousy forms in the pit of my stomach. There are certain exceptions to this rule. Like just yesterday, a woman who I have been hoping and wishing would get her BFP finally got it!! There was not one spark of jealousy in my happiness for her, she has had a long and touch battle to get here and I couldn't be happier for her.

Then there are cases of amazing people getting pregnant and I know I am happy for them, and I know they will be great parents but I get that hint of selfish jealousy. That is the worst part of having trouble TTC, that selfishness that forms in you when you are normally not a selfish person.

Then there are the cases where a crack head gets pregnant and doesn't know who the baby daddy is and still continues to smoke, do drugs, drink and still gives birth to a healthy child. There is no happiness there, all anger and pity for that poor child.


Last night I experienced a first in the happy for you but sad for me department. D's best friend called, they chatted for a while and then he informed him that his wife is pregnant. My first reaction was excitement and I yelled "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" They are wonderful people, they will be amazing parents and I am so truly happy for them. But as D continued to talk with him, a lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger until tears started welling up in my eyes.

D got off the phone and asked me if I was OK. I said yes and went to un-pause the movie we were watching. Then I said "I am really, truly happy for them" and the tears started pouring out of my eyes. It was essentially the same scene from Julie & Julia when Julia finds out her sister is pregnant.

D just held me and said "It's okay to be happy for them but sad for us."

That is not me. I am not that person. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself at that moment, which made me cry even more. It is a whole new feeling for me to deal with and I know I am not the only one who feels this way or who does this and I know it is OK to feel this way. I really am happy for them and I look forward to buying little gifts for the baby.

So now I have a new feeling to deal with. I am glad that they called to tell us over the phone and not wait until we got there in 3 weeks to tell us in person...THAT would have been shameful and embarrassing for me to cry right in front of them.

D & D Love Story: Adopting Roxy

I skipped a very very very important part in the story of us. This is how Roxy came into our lives.

We have to back it up a little bit for this one.

We were both still living at home with our parents. I was working at the radio station full time and there is this segment that we do called "Swap Shop" where people can have their items to buy or sell on the radio for a day.

One day I got a phone call in the studio from someone who wanted to list something so I took down all of the information about this 4 month old dog who needed a good home. I knew that I would be moving out of my parents house within a few months so I told the person that I was interested in the dog and made arrangements to come and see her and I never read the information on the air.

That evening I spent a long while convincing my dad to let me get a dog. Since I was still living under their roof I had to clear it with him first. I made up a lie that the people would be putting her down if she wasn't adopted and I just couldn't let that happen. Finally, he gave in!

So the following day I went to meet this dog. I arrived at the very shady house and the woman came out and spoke with me for a while and then called out "Melissa.......Roxanne....come here!" I was assuming that she was calling her daughter and the dog (I knew that the dog was Roxanne) First dog to come running around the corner was not how I pictured her at all and my initial reaction was I don't want that dog. Then the woman informed me that that was Melissa....phew.

Suddenly the sweetest little dog I have ever laid eyes on came tearing around the corner. 'There's Roxanne' she said. I crouched down to the ground and put my arms out and she ran right for me and jumped in my arms! It was love at first sight. "Wow!!" said the woman "4 other people have come to look at her and she wouldn't go near any of them"

As I sat there and pet her and held her, the woman's significant other came out, he was a mean looking, hard-ass type of guy who told his kid to shut up because she was crying about having to give Roxanne away.

Later that evening, after work I returned to Shady Acres to take Roxanne away. It was pouring rain and even though every light was on in the house and the door was open, nobody was home. Roxanne was laying in the porch with Melissa so I scooped her up in my arms and got the hell out of there.

I shortened her name to Roxy and we have been together ever since. Her behavior for the first little while suggested to me that she was abused before I got her. She was very timid and afraid of men for a long time. Her coat was kind of coarse and greasy but after about a week with me she became a lot happier and her coat is still shiny and soft.

I know that Roxy & I were meant to be from the moment that she jumped into my arms.