A look into my childhood

This post will be a long ventish kind of post and I will not be surprised if nobody even bothers to read it but for my own sanity I am choosing to type it out and get it out of my head.

By no means did I have a horrible childhood. I was fed, clothed and I do have fun memories. I turned out well and I really can't complain about anything too serious. But by no means did I have a charmed childhood either. I spent a lot of time being the forgotten child. Being the youngest of 3 girls I think by the time they got to me my parents had already given out all of their love and attention to bother with me. My mom is not an affectionate person, if I ever wanted a hug or a kiss I had to initiate it. I rarely heard the words 'I love you' growing up and my parents both lacked a lot of patience and I spent a lot of my childhood walking on eggshells trying not to piss them off. Even to this day when my parents tell me they love me, it feels weird.

The oldest daughter, K, was the favorite. The sun rose and set on her and she could really do no wrong. Her and my mom were always really close and could talk about anything. She got the best birthday parties and was clearly the favorite. In a recent conversation about this she actually stated "I was so the favorite, I could do no wrong. I got pregnant as a teenager and I still could do no wrong" The fact that even she recognized this was assurance that this was not all in my head all of those years.

The second daughter, N, was a trouble maker and a daddy's girl. She was clearly my dad's favorite. She was the classic middle child, she never got along with anyone unless it suited her that day and she was constantly getting into trouble, either at school, with boys, outside of school, with my parents. She was always being disciplined and my parents were losing sleep worrying about her. She and my mom would get into horrible fights and it wouldn't even phase her one bit. Eventually she grew out of that stage (not until she was about 20 or 21).

Then there was me. The baby. I was an attention whore from the start, looking back on it now I see it's because after praising the first one and disciplining the next one there was not a whole lot of time to worry about the little one. I was constantly trying to get the attention of my parents and my older sisters, I looked up to them so much and just wanted approval from them. Things that stick with you as you grow older is never having your parents around. I only remember 1 school christmas concert that my parents attended in my whole life. Throughout grade school and high school they never attended a Christmas concert, a school play, special presentations in class, a volleyball game or a basketball game. While my parents went all out to throw birthday parties for K and N, I never EVER had one. Can you imagine a child not having a birthday party? Not even one.

I remember once asking my mom why my baby book was so empty. She replied "Well I was raising 3 small girls. I didn't really have time to fill in your baby book or take as many pictures of you. I had already been there and done that" I realize that a baby book and pictures are not as important as feeding me and caring for me but those are the kinds of things a person would like to have as an adult.

Then when I was 11 (almost 12) my teenager sister had a baby. They still lived at home with us and things in my life changed a little. The leftover attention that I DID get was directed to her along with a whole bunch more. I loved my niece so much, it was like having a little sister and she looked up to me so much and loved me. N took it all differently, she viewed the baby as an attack against her from K. Her and K would fight constantly. I recall several times when my niece was a toddler and I would have to swiftly grab her, put her in a room with some toys and close the door. Then I would come running out into the living room to break up the fight that had just broke out between K & N: something that should not be the youngest sister's job.

This post didn't go exactly where I was hoping for it to go. I guess I am starting to figure out who I am as a person, I am getting quite tired of being a pushover and allowing people to walk all over me. I am tired of walking on eggshells for my whole life just to try and keep everyone happy. Recent arguments with my sister and with my parents are starting to tell me that I should not beat myself up over little things. I spend too much time trying to be the nice guy in public while crying in private.

I must be PMSing or something.

Congratulations if you made it through this entire post. I know I am posting this whiny post with the chance of someone telling me to suck it up and get over it. I know they are millions and millions of people who had HORRIBLE childhoods but this is just my story and my feelings.