Being happy and sad all at the same time

Whenever I hear about a new pregnancy, a little spark of jealousy forms in the pit of my stomach. There are certain exceptions to this rule. Like just yesterday, a woman who I have been hoping and wishing would get her BFP finally got it!! There was not one spark of jealousy in my happiness for her, she has had a long and touch battle to get here and I couldn't be happier for her.

Then there are cases of amazing people getting pregnant and I know I am happy for them, and I know they will be great parents but I get that hint of selfish jealousy. That is the worst part of having trouble TTC, that selfishness that forms in you when you are normally not a selfish person.

Then there are the cases where a crack head gets pregnant and doesn't know who the baby daddy is and still continues to smoke, do drugs, drink and still gives birth to a healthy child. There is no happiness there, all anger and pity for that poor child.


Last night I experienced a first in the happy for you but sad for me department. D's best friend called, they chatted for a while and then he informed him that his wife is pregnant. My first reaction was excitement and I yelled "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" They are wonderful people, they will be amazing parents and I am so truly happy for them. But as D continued to talk with him, a lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger until tears started welling up in my eyes.

D got off the phone and asked me if I was OK. I said yes and went to un-pause the movie we were watching. Then I said "I am really, truly happy for them" and the tears started pouring out of my eyes. It was essentially the same scene from Julie & Julia when Julia finds out her sister is pregnant.

D just held me and said "It's okay to be happy for them but sad for us."

That is not me. I am not that person. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself at that moment, which made me cry even more. It is a whole new feeling for me to deal with and I know I am not the only one who feels this way or who does this and I know it is OK to feel this way. I really am happy for them and I look forward to buying little gifts for the baby.

So now I have a new feeling to deal with. I am glad that they called to tell us over the phone and not wait until we got there in 3 weeks to tell us in person...THAT would have been shameful and embarrassing for me to cry right in front of them.