I hate interviews

I really do hate interviews. I always leave never knowing how it went. I may think it went well but I never know if I answered the questions to what they were looking for and I always leave with a good but uneasy feeling.

But not today!!!

Today I rocked the shit out of my interview!! Sorry to sound so vulgar.

The interviewer and I totally clicked and I was at ease immediately. I felt comfortable answering the questions and only fumbled and felt weird once(ish). She was smiling and nodding while writing as if to say 'that's exactly what I wanted to hear' and afterwards we got to talking about her and where she was from so we clicked so much that we actually chatted for a while which was really cool.

Then she noticed where I went to College and said did you like it there? I told her that I loved that city and missed living there. And she said oh really? And she went on to tell me about a few different opportunities in that city and that she thinks I would be a really great asset to the company and that I should keep my eyes peeled for those opportunities whether I got this job that I interviewed for today or not. She said that either way she would be keeping my resume and will be contacting me when those jobs become available!!

I was so excited. I have been looking for jobs in that city forever and have always wanted to move back there. If this full time opportunity is good then it would be a ticket to move there!

D is not so excited. He likes living here and he has a good job with seniority and if we moved he would have to start back at the bottom. We will cross that bridge if and when we get to it but for now, I am super excited about how well everything went today!!!

I lost my virginity today

I would like to introduce you all to my new boyfriend. I am ashamed to say that I put out and didn't even get a meal.

Yep, there you have it. Today I had my first transvaginal ultrasound. Well, I got my period on Saturday and was supposed to get my ultrasound done on CD 3-5. Today was day 4. So of course I was still bleeding. And of course, I work at the hospital and so I know everyone who works in the Diagnostic Imaging department.

So I am told that they can do it today at 1:30. Wonderful. Who is doing the test? My friend. AWESOME. Fuck, I was hoping for anyone but her. It's weird that you would feel different if it was a stranger.

So test time came. My friend was great. She was very professional and friendly. She made me feel really comfortable and I was very surprised at how easy the test was. She covered me with a blanket and she told me to insert my new boyfriend myself and then she just guided my new boyfriend from under the blanket. I was happy about that.

A bit of discomfort but not too bad overall. And thankfully, I did not bleed all over the sheets and towels as I had feared.

A garage sale and emotions

In an effort to partially de-clutter my life a bit I decided to have a garage sale.
Yesterday I went through the storage areas in the house (a small storage space and the 2 spare bedrooms) and gathered up the things that I could sell.

Along the way I came across my pregnancy bag, stored away where I never had to look at it. I grabbed the stupid thing, threw it at D and told him to give all the shit away for free.

It contains 2 maternity cover-ups (the ebay seller accidentally sent 2) that I bought in hopes of being pregnant for my trip to Cuba last December. It also contains my copy of WTEWYE, some tiny onesies that I bought with the thought of announcing a pregnancy that way, a Congratulations gift from my BFF when I got my BFP, some maternity clothes (2-3 shirts) that I ordered on ebay when I was about 5 minutes pregnant and that incidentally came AFTER the miscarriage.

I hate that bag. I hoped to one day open it again with a huge smile but that bag just sits at the bottom of the spare room closet mocking me. I want it gone.

A second opinion? No.

In short that title describes this blog post. Over the past couple of days I have heard from a few people who have suggested that I get a second opinion. I decided to address this here. If you have been thinking it or if you said it then here is your (long) answer.
 I am C&Ping a lot of this from a couple of private online conversations that I had because I am kind of sick of typing and retyping it.

So here goes:

I already feel confused about my T-TTC status because I was able to get pregnant once. Yes, I realize that was a miracle (as all pregnancies are in my mind) but we do have trouble and we do have issues. If we didn't, the RE would not have agreed to see us, right? If we didn't then I would have a baby or at least a pregnancy by now, right?


Dr. L is a very smart doctor and I found that he was very honest with us. Yes, we could try IUI or something else but he doesn't feel that will optimize our chances and he told us that he doesn't want to give us false hope with other procedures that will probably give us the same chance as if we just keep trying naturally. If we chose to use a different method, he said he would support that because we have to do what we are physically, emotionally and financially prepared for.

Also, I think that people sometimes forget that I live in Canada and health care is different here. Where I live, everyone has to travel great distances to see specialists. Some as close as 2.5 hours away and some as far as 6-10 hours away. Healthcare is also public so you can't just drop some money and demand to be seen by a specialist. You need a referral from another doctor and that referral is the doctor's choice, he or she can say no. And then you play the waiting game for weeks and sometimes even months to get seen by said specialist. For those who forgot or didn't realize, I saw Dr. L via teleconference. He is a 6-7 hour drive from me.

Do I want a second opinion? No, I do not.  Dr. L has amazing reviews and from what I read is a pretty intelligent and sought after RE. And if I think about it, Dr. L is my second opinion. My OBGYN wanted to put me on Clomid. I am so very thankful that I decided not to take this route.

So, I do realize why people suggested that I get a second opinion. When I am crying and venting over my emotions about IVF, they see that as me saying I am not ready for such a step. While they are partially right, it is not accurate. I am overwhlemed. I trust 100% in Dr. L and what he recommends. If we wanted to try something else, he would support that. But he is giving us about a 12% chance with an IUI. I can have that much of a chance at home for free.

Dr. L was honest and open with us about his thoughts and diagnosis and I appreciate that. I don't feel the need to see another doctor.

So yes, I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. I am upset. I am scared. But do I think Dr. L is leading me down the wrong path? No. Do I want to seek help from a different specialist? No.

I hope this clears up any misconceptions that anyone had about me being upset and venting either here or on BOTB. I hope it doesn't look like I am being bitchy or snarky, I am just explaining my thought pocess (as foggy as it is) and my situation.

Another interview

In an attempt to think about or talk about something other than the RE and IVF and my poor emotional state I want to discuss my job.

As you know, I recently took a different job here at the hospital. A few weeks ago I had also applied for a job that is out of town (in a town about an hour away). The OOT job is for a Laboratory Assistant/Phlebotomist which is what I used to do and I love doing. I miss it a lot.

They called this week and booked me in for an interview on Thursday. I don't know what I am going to do. I haven't even started my new job yet and I am already interviewing for another position.

Let's imagine for a moment that they offer me the job.

If the schedule at the other job is steady and consistent I am going to see about working the new job around it and commuting and doing both jobs. I also thought about getting a weekend job as a bartender to make lots of good tips and then the IVF money would roll right in (ok, so I am not totally NOT talking about it)

I am just going to play it by ear for now. Do the other interview and see what it's all about. The commute would totally suck, I have done that commute before, but if the pay is good and the hours are good then I will seriously consider it. I will have to make sure that the benefits outweigh the downfalls. Like if I am waisting more money on gas than what I make, then it will certainly not be worth it.

So for now I just wait and play it by ear.
We'll see what happens on Thursday.

And if you believe that everything happens for a reason or that things fall into place. They scheduled the interview for a day that I should be working but booked it off because I am heading to go and babysit my niece and nephew for the weekend and I have to drive through the town where the interview is to get there. Could be coincidence....could be fate. I don't know what I believe in anymore so we will see.

The rest of my day yesterday

Yes I love Dr. L. I reall really appreciated his care, compassion and honesty.

But yesterday was an overwhelming day. I tried to keep my emotions out of yesterday's blog post because I just wanted to give all of you dear people who have been so supportive of me, the facts. So today I want to talk a bit about my emotions.

I had convinced myself that at the very most Dr. L may suggest an IUI. I thought he might have some other meds to try first or some treatment I had never heard of. I did not expect him to tell us that our best chance will be IVF. I was shocked. The thought shocked me, the price shocked me. My initial reaction was that I would beg, borrow and steal to get the money and I would start the process immediately. D, on the other hand is a little more realistic. And while at the time it hurt to hear him say he thought that we should keep trying au naturel for a while and saved up money for the IVF, I know he made sense.

So I cried. I cried for D, who unfortunately fell in love with a broken woman, I cried for my strong desire to be a mother, a desire that I have always had. I cried for everyone who has had to deal with this. I cried for all of things I will be giving up in order to be able to afford an IVF cycle.

Yes, it is good news that we are moving forward and getting help and I am 90% on board with all of it but it was just so overwhleming and shocking that my head is spinning, absolutely spinning.

So yesterday I sent the "What IF" video to my sisters and my mom along with this blog post by dear, sweet Sulfa. I wanted to get them to understand how I feel daily, it is something that people just don't get. Especially my family, the fertiles myrtles.

Then last night I told my parents and we told D's parents about what Dr. L said and all of that. We had to really tell them more about our TTC. My parents knew mainly but nobody really knew how long it has been. I think that all had it in their heads that since I got pregnant once, it will happen again. They didn't know how long we had been trying for when I finally did get my BFP.

It was hard to divulge all of that information and I cried at my ILs. I cried because I was ashamed, sad and embarassed. It was really the first time that I had to come out of the closet to them. They had a basic idea of what is going on but not the full details. I felt stupid for crying but I couldn't hold it in. I think that FIL was embarassed that I was crying because he is not used to people showing emotions. SIL is made of stone and he is not really the comforting type.

I don't really know how to wrap this up. I guess I just needed to vent my emotions a bit.

One day at a time.

Oh yeah and also, according to my chart I am 14 DPO. I think it is wrong so I am ignoring it and I am oretty sure that I feel AF coming. Wouldn't it be some weird twist if I was pregnant?!?!?!?!? If on the day that I saw my RE, I actually had a little teenie tiny miracle in my ute? Not likely, but imagine?!!?!

Report from the RE

Well the appointment has come and gone.

It isn't even noon yet and I have had an hour long appointment with Dr.L, had blood drawn, and have discussed our options at length with D. And I barely slept last night.

Here is a summary of the appointment.

I love Dr. L. He was compassionate and said "sorry" more than once about our difficulties and about our miscarriage. He is a very smart man, very personable and he was great to answer all of our questions at length.

He, of course went over our history and all of that fun information. Then he started talking about our options. The first one he suggested was another Laparoscopy to see if my right tube could be unblocked and if not then possible remove it. I was not happy about this option but I decided to just keep listening.

The next option was to just keep trying on our own.

Then there is IUI. He didn't seem too enthusiastic about IUI and said that it would give us the same chance as if we just kept trying naturally. He said that he has many patient with 1 tube who have done IUI and it is rare that they get pregnant.

Then the final option was IVF. I was not expecting this. I really thought that IUI would be our best option but I guess I was wrong. He gave us a price for IVF, outlined it a bit (even though I have heard all about IVF from some amazing women who have been through it) and said this would be our best option and give us a 60-70% chance of conceiving.

He said that the choice is up to us and what we are prepared to do emotionally, financially and physically. He said he will understand and support whatever route we choose. He explained that some women like to try IUI first to see if that will work. I am not one of those women. If he is giving us the same chance as if we just kept trying naturally then I am not really interested in wasting all of that extra money that could go to IVF.

So now D and I are going to look at our finances and see where the money will come from. In the meantime I have ultrasounds and bloodwork to have done.


I asked him if it would be worth it to just remove my tube. He said the risk of surgery is not worth it.

I also learned something very very very interesting. He said that women in general ovulate mainly from their right tube and occasionally from the left. THAT EXPLAINS A LOT!!!!

At the end of the appointment he outlined the testing I needed done (including the baseline u/s to be done on CD 3-5 and I said, I will book that any day now when my period comes. He said "I hope that it doesn't come" Yep, it's official, I LOVE HIM!!!)



So, blog readers, it looks like I am moving on to IVF.  Anyone have a rich uncle they want to lend me for a bit??