I am beyond upset

WARNING: This post will contain inappropriate language and will not speak highly of religion or "god"
If this will offend you, I urge you not to continue reading. You have been warned.




I am very upset. My best friend is 10 weeks pregnant. She started feeling "off" on Friday, just a gut feeling she had. Today she came in for an ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. This is the second time this has happened to her. It's fucking ridiculous bullshit. She and her husband are wonderful people, they have been together for 10 years or so, married for 1.5. They will be incredible parents, they were TTC once again after going through the heartbreak of losing their first pregnancy the same way and having to wait for 3 weeks for the pregnancy to pass naturally and then eventually have a D&C.

It sickens me beyond belief.

It sickens me that crack whores, drug addicts and people who are not suitable to be parents just keep having  baby after baby with  no worries and with no problems. It sickens me that people preach to a "god" that allows for shit like this to happen. I am expected to believe in a fictional character who is supposed to rule all and listen to your prayers. Fuck that. This god is useless, this god allows for babies to get sick, it allows for young people to die. This god allows for amazing wonderful people to go through absolute hell and for what?? It's unbelievable.

How do I sit here and hold my friend while she sobs at the loss of yet another pregnancy? How do I go on thinking that something good will happen? How do I not feel guilty that I was jealous of her pregnancy for a brief moment in time when now she is experiencing this whole mess again? It bullshit.

While I appreciate that some people can have faith in a god and turn to that faith in times like this, I can't wrap my head around it. If this god actually exists this is a god that stole from me, a god that stole wonderful, important people from my life. Stole my own precious miracle right from my own body and is now stealing yet again from my friend. So, I am sorry but if this god exists, he is an asshole.

Now, my dear, sweet friend needs to go through testing and get poked and proded to find out why her body keeps rejecting these pregnancies. After she went for an early ultrasound and saw a nice strong heartbeat. Why does that heart stop beating? The heart of her tiny, precious baby. Her own  heart breaks into a million pieces and mourns the loss of another pregnancy and another baby. A baby that was real to her and a baby that we all loved instantly. A baby that I was going to spoil and cuddle and smother with kisses.

Why?