A Saturday night with a drunk Dee

******The following blog contains pictures and language that may not be suitable for all audiences. Reader discretion is advised******

This past Saturday I got drunk. I got obliterated. I am a happy go lucky drunk. I say what I am thinking and I usually have many people laughing. This past Saturday was no exception. 

Here are mug shots of the culprits:

We were at the cottage with D and a variety of cousins, aunts, uncles and family friends from D's side of the family where most of the drinks were had. We then proceeded to the small community's curling club (converted into a large hall in the summer) where there was a live band. Following this we always stop at the chip stand for a poutine to help soak up some of the booze in our bellies.

The night started off pretty simple with some drinking and chatting in the Cottage gazebo

The simplicity ended probably around the time that I stood up and realized that drinking Sour Puss straight from the bottle is not always a wonderful choice to make.

And now for an account of some of my (not so) finer moments from the night.

• I praise one of D's cousins who is our designated driver every year. She is not a drinker and she continually puts up with us drunks every year and drives us to and from the dance. This year she took the girls first. When we pulled up to the dance I did a leap out of the van while screaming, dancing and singing along to Lady Gaga that we were blaring. I also proudly told the lookers-on to fuck off and made my way into the dance. 

• The bathroom was the first stop for me since I am not fond of the cottage outhouse and had to pee something fierce. While I was in there the rest of the girls paid their admission and went in without me. So I got in line and loudly told the ticket seller that the man in front of me would be paying for my ticket. He looked at me like I had 8 heads, gave me the stink eye and walked in. So I paid for my own way in.

• While standing outside in the smoking section with cousin's BF I am approached by some weird dude. While he is talking to me he pulls a cigarette out of a pack so I take this opportunity to say "Hey, if you are going to light that then beat it. I don't want to stand here inhaling your fucking cancer" He left. Cousin's BF is pissing himself laughing and then I say 'the funniest part is that he left and WE are in the smoking section"  

• I meet a new person and we chat for a few minutes, he then introduces me to his girlfriend of 15 years. I ask him if they are engaged and he says 'no. I don't want to get married. Marriage is only for people who want kids and we don't want kids" so I say "I have been married for 3 years and I don't have kids" then he asks "Yeah, but don't you want them?" to which I reply "Yes, but I have a broken uterus" Yep, you read it right, I came out of the IF closet to a complete stranger.

• Again while outside in the smoking section I spot one of D's friends standing alone so I take this opportunity to tackle him to the ground. While he is trying to get up he ends up on all-fours and I see this as my immediate opportunity to ride him like a pony, complete with my 'spurring' him in the ass with my heel. It did not take long for him to buck me off. How did I not end up with grass stains?

• While the band was on a break and a CD was playing I took it upon myself to dance on the stage because it seemed like the right thing to do. Good thing for everyone involved that the mics were not left on.

• Now, I don't quite remember what exactly I said to all of the complete strangers that I met at the chip stand while waiting in line for my food (I decided to leave the dance early and walked there by myself so I was alone with strangers for quite some time) but the following day at the ball park I heard someone say "That's D's wife" so I turn and look and there is 2 girls I remember making laugh at the chip stand walking with a friend of my father-in-law. He tells me that the 2 girls said "Hey, that's the girl from the chip stand last night" so he was telling them who I was. I said "they probably said that's the crazy broad from the chip stand" and he said "actually, that is exactly what they said" so I waved to them and said "hey girls!!" They looked clearly very hungover and I, surprisingly, felt perfectly fine.