April 9th

This is our projected "finish date" for the bathroom. I am confident that it will be done by then. This give us 2 more weeks. It would be less but the tile guy is now gone for 10 days to do a job out of town and will not be back to do our work until he is done there.

My fingers, toes, legs and arms are all crossed that we make this deadline. I am so excited about the finished product.

Stay tuned.... we are less than 2 weeks away for the before and after shots!

My niece is growing up

All 6 of my nieces and nephews are growing up way too quickly. They are 17, 10, 9, 7, 5, 1 years old. It is a scary thought.

This week my 17 year old niece got her acceptance letter from her #1 choice University. I am so extremely proud of her and find myself wondering where the years have gone.

This blog is dedicated to her.

I was 11 (almost 12) when C was born. I remember the day like it was just yesterday. I woke up very very early on a weekend morning to find a note on the counter from my dad. "Girls, I am gone to work. Your mom and sister are at the hospital making you guys aunties. Love Dad"

C was born around 8:30 that morning.

My sister was very young when she had Caitlin and so they lived at home for the first 2 years of her life. It was more like having another sister than a niece. I had a hand in helping to raise C. When my sister moved away and took C with her it was very hard. I remember crying on C's first day of school even though I was 2 and a half hours away. I could just picture her stepping on that bus.

C always looked up to me and loved me so much. She called me her best friend and even had my sister buy those best friend necklaces and gave me the other half of it. We both wore them proudly. Whenever my sister would buy anything for C she would ask "Would Dee think this is cool?"

Eventually I became less and less cool as C grew up, my sister and brother in law have done an excellent job raising such an bright, focused, hard working kid. As she grows into a young adult I can't help but feel proud that she is my niece!

How did this sweet baby grow up so quickly???

Frustrating!

So, as you know we are renovating our bathroom.

Here is the situation: We hired a contractor to do the work, he then brought in a tile guy to do the shower. The contractor insisted on waiting for the tile guy (who had about 2-3 weeks before he could come and help us). We wanted the work done sooner than later so the contractor brought in another tile guy. The new tile guy is great and we have heard good things about him. Wonderful.

Then days go by and the contractor is nowhere to be found. The tile guy is showing up and telling us what needs to be done and what needs to be ordered and giving us timelines and everything. YAY!

2 days go by and no sign of the contractor so D and I are getting extremely pissed off. Last night we go for a nice long walk and as we are returning home we see the contractor's truck here. When we enter the house we learn that the first tile guy is here too!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So D and I are extremely PISSED! The tile guy comes upstairs and is holding the $150-$200(I can't remember) drain system we have purchased and says "I am taking this, I need it for a job I am doing tomorrow. I ordered one but it wont be in until tomorrow afternoon so I will bring the new one to you tomorrow" D tells him that is OK. Again...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?

So, I say to the contractor "Ok, why do we have 2 tile guys? 2 tile guys who have 2 completely different ideas and don't know about each other?? This needs to be taken care of!!"

Then the contractor informs me that the reason he hasn't been around to put up drywall is because he needs to wait for the plumbing to be done. I said WHY??? There is 1 wall that you can't put drywall up because of the plumbing, there are other walls that can be done! I was pissed at this point.

Then while the contractor was on his phone, I said to D "Ok, enough is enough. No more biting your tongue because I am not either, you tell him that he needs to take care of this tile guy problem and you tell him that there is other things that he can do before the plumbing is done!"

Conclusion: He called tile guy and told him he was going with someone different because he was too busy with other jobs. They got a couple of walls up last night.

That drain system better make it's way back here today or else I will be losing my shit!!!!

The saga continues...who knows when he will be back to do more work. He is ALL OVER THE PLACE, he takes on too many jobs and we will go days without seeing or hearing from him.

Deep breath....look forward to the finished product.... deep breath

I hate my body

I knew my chances were slim and I know about my trouble TTC/fertility issues but the hope always keeps me going.

You would really think that after 14 unsuccessful cycles, 1 miscarriage, 2+ years of not using protection and yet also not getting pregnant, finding out that you have only 1 open fallopian tube, a tilted uterus and a scarred cervix that it would get easier to swallow the bitter fact of not being pregnant.

It does not. I find this strange.

Today, I hate my body.

D & D Love Story: Taking care of me

It was April 2004. I was out of town playing in a ringette tournament. The tournament was in a town 8-9 hours away and D offered to come with me but I told  him to stay home and that I would go with the rest of the team. Ringette is a hockey-like sport played by girls for those who do not know. The stick has no blade and instead of a puck, you use a rubber ring.

My niece was also playing in the same tournament there, she would have been 10 or 11 at the time. My parents and my sister were in the city to watch her play as well.

The weekend is going fine and it is Sunday and I am playing in our final game (I can't remember if it was for a medal or not). I am charging to the net to take a shot when the 2 defencemen cross their sticks in front of me and trip me. I go crashing to the ice with my arms trapped underneath me. I felt immediate pain in my shoulder. As my coach runs out to the ice (the play was stopped because I was not getting up ) I scream at him "DON'T TOUCH ME! I think I dislocated my shoulder" I left the ice and went straight to the dressing room.

One of the moms is a nurse and comes to help me out of my equipment and check the damage. I still don't know how I got out of my jersey and shoulder pads but I am still thinking that my shoulder is dislocated. In the dressing room I feel a complete wave of nausea come over me and the mom tells me I am very pale (she can see something that I can't).

Another mom and her significant other (who just happens to be my dad's boss) say they will drive me to the hospital. Still dressed in half of my equipment, the 2 moms pack my things into my bag and we are off to the hospital. En route, my dad's boss calls him to see if they can meet us at the hospital, which they do.

At the hospital the nurse tells me to take the ice off of my shoulder because she is sure it is not dislocated (she can also see something that I can't). I am in intense pain and I cannot even move my arm an inch. So I get xrays and I am sitting waiting for the doctor. He enters and says "do you want to see your xray?" and leads me down to a little room with my xray on one of those light boards. And what I see makes my knees go numb and vomit rise up through my throat.

It looks a lot like this(only on the opposite side):

My left clavicle (collarbone) is snapped. The bones look all jagged and disgusting and suddenly I realize where the intense pain is coming from. And what everyone else saw that I didn't, the big bump sticking out where my smooth collarbone should be.

What follows is a long trip home, I had originally come on the bus with my teammates but since I am in such intense pain I decide to go home with my parents. Every little bump or turn in the road causes me extreme pain and I just want to get home and get to bed. It takes about 10-11 hours to get home by the time we stop half way to bring my sister and niece to their house, stop to eat, get gas... all the joys of a road trip. It was the worst car ride of my life.

After leaving the hospital I called D.
"Hi"
"Hey! How's it going?"
"Not good"
"Did you lose?"
"I am not even sure, I just got back from the hospital."
"What happened??"
"I broke my collarbone"
"No you didn't"
"I am not kidding"
"Oh my god! What happened?"

You can imagine the rest of the conversation. So D arranged to meet the bus (which  had my suitcase and jacket in it) to get my stuff and then he would meet me at home when we got there. After the very long trip we arrived home around midnight and there he was waiting on my parents' porch with a look of concern in his eyes. He helped me out of the van and into the house where he had still more questions.

Over the next couple of weeks while I healed it was unreal how good D took care of me. We still both lived at home with our parents so D would come over in the morning, he would help me bathe, dress and do my hair (he would just throw an elastic in my hair-something that he learned how to do the day after I got home). he drove me everywhere since I couldn't even drive. He even drove my tiny little tin can car around because his Jeep was too bumpy for me to ride in. He drove me to my appointments with the Orthopedic surgeon (thankfully I didn't need surgery) which was 1.5 hours out of town.

In the evenings, in my medicated haze he would sit with me and prop up the couch cushions to make sure I was comfortable. I was no joy to be around and mostly drifted in and out of consiousness but D never left my side. At night he would prop my pillows up in my bed and make sure that I was comfortable, then he would tuck me into bed and would lock the door on his way out. In the morning he would come back and start all over.
On the days that he worked he would stop by in the ambulance to check on me when they had some free time.

It was this time that I figured out a few things about D.
1- That he was the one
2- He would be an amazing father
3- I would never have to worry about anything as long as I was with him.

I eventually started being able to lift my arm and do my own hair and dress myself. D was there for me every step of the way though and didn't even complain once that we couldn't fool around or have sex for about 6 weeks.

A TTC post, allow me to obsess

Yes we are officially TTC again, according to my chart tomorrow is my test day. I will not be testing tomorrow. Here are my reasons:

1- I am terrified to test. If it is positive I will be constantly worried about another miscarriage, if it is negatove I will again be sad

2- D and I both work at 7am tomorrow and if I test in the morning and it is positive it will be a rushed celebration and then we both have to go to work that is not ideal. If it is negative I will be a grouch to people all day, at least if I wait until my day off then I can cry and be a bitch in the comfort of my own home

3- Tomorrow is our niece's first birthday, if it is negative I don't want to be a crank all day.

4- I only have 1 pee stick left in the house and I hate wasting them, I have become pretty good to wait out my period, the negative tests are hard to take and pee sticks are not cheap.

I am going to just watch my temp, if it starts to drop then I will just wait out my period. If it stays steady or starts to rise then I will probably test on Monday or Tuesday (D and I are both off on those days)

Reasons why I think I could be pregnant VS Reasons why I don't think I am

I have not started to spot yet and I usually do 2-5 days before my period shows up but I can't remember if I spotted before the last one and since we were on a TTC break I had decided not to chart so I am clueless, maybe I don't spot anymore, things change.

My boobs are sore and this could mean either one of those arguments.

Is it possible that I went all of those months without getting pregnant and then my 1 good tube worked and I got pregnant only to have it taken away, then the first month back to TTC I get pregnant again? Is it possible?? My right tube is still blocked, it is blocked with scar tissue so that is pretty permanent, it is not like fluid or something that can be flushed out. Is it possible that my body has decided to co-operate with me now???

Trying to sane sane and not get your hopes up is exhausting

And as soon as I hit post I will start to spot...that is how these things work hahah

The work has begun!

Our contractor and an electrician are working downstairs today in the bathroom! YAY! D and I probably make 4-8 trips to different hardware stores today. I am exhausted because of that. 


I will take picture throughout but I have decided not to post any until it is all finished.


Try and be patient. 

D & D's Love Story: My first birthday with D

Where we left off: we hung out together, went on a real date. Things were good and he was shy.

Months later D and I were really close. Since most of our friends were still in school, once the fall hit there wasn't many people left for us to spend our time with. We would spend time at my parent's house or his parents house. Because D started out as a paramedic right away out of school and he was living at home, he always had a very very full bank account. I, on the other hand, was making peanuts and had a huge mountain of debt from a 3 month job that I did which forced me to commute.

So, my birthday rolled around. I was turning 22. D surprised me with tickets to go see the Lion King on broadway in Toronto. I was thrilled!! I love the Lion King and had never seen a big show like that. Finally, the weekend came where we were to make the long drive to Toronto.

D and I chatted and laughed the whole way. He would not let me pay for a thing. Not the gas, not lunch, not even a bottle of water at the gas station.

Then we got into the city and (this was before GPS was so common) he told me to read the map. "I don't think you want me to read the map, I don't know how to read a map" Still, he insisted that I should be directing him. To make a long story short, I had no idea where we were going, I was nervous about driving in the city and we got into our first argument. Not a good way to start off the trip. but we finally made it to the hotel and parked the car. He got a room at a hotel on the same street as the theater so that we could park the car and leave it there until we had to leave.

The rest of the trip was phenomenal. He took me to a nice dinner before the show and still would not let me pay for a thing (I snuck in a lunch when he went to the bathroom, he gave me shit for it but I wanted to pay for something). The show was absolutely AMAZING!! We had seats in the 6th row and I was sitting right on the aisle. At the beginning of the show animals would walk down the aisle to get to the stage to meet the future King Simba and they were all right beside me, it was amazing! The elephant costume was so big that there was 1 person in each of it's legs. I cried because it was so amazing!

Birthdays were never a big deal when I was growing up. (well mine weren't anyway, I had never had a birthday party and can honestly say that none of my birthdays stand out in my mind because they were not special or a big deal) so my 22nd birthday is the first one that I remember and will never forget.

I feel good

na na na na na na

Ok, I won't break out into song.

I just figured that I should post a quick little note.

Every day I think about my miscarriage and it still makes me sad but lately I have been feeling happy again. I am still a bitter lady who has trouble TTC and has recently suffered a loss and there are still things that upset me a lot but I think that it is safe to say that I am OK.

And while we are TTC again and I am trying to remain hopeful it is still a bit hard. I know that I will be extremely worried and stressed about my next pregnancy but I am going to try and stay positive and enjoy it because I enjoyed the first one no matter how short lived it was.

So in short. I feel good. I am stronger than I thought and I think I have the strong BOTB ladies to thank for most of that, many of them are a constant inspiration to my every day life. I am so glad that I came across this amazing group of women. I was just telling D the other day that if I hadn't come across them I would still probably not know what charting is and still be using ovulation calendars online to see when I am ovulating. They taught me that and so many more things.

Let the renovations begin!

As we commence our bathroom renovations D & I started reminiscing about all of the renovations we have done in this house since we purchased it in 2005.


First it was the complete basement reno (and sadly the only project I took pictures of) which include complete demolition of a small rec room, bedroom and computer area. We built a wall blocking the entrance to the laundry room and busted through the bathroom to join the laundry room to it. We made a much larger rec room complete with bar and we moved the bedroom to the computer area(though it was a couple of years later before we completed the bedroom)

BEFORE/DURING SHOTS

  

THE COMPLETED REC ROOM:

Like I said before, after the recroom we waited a while and finally finished the bedroom in the basement, just off the recroom. 

In 2007 we removed the white wood siding and replaced it with vinyl siding. 

I have always hated my bedroom. When we moved in the walls were such a dark blue that they were basically black. The ceiling was painted a lovely black and gold. It took several coats of primer and paint to cover it. There was a disgusting pinkish shag like carpet. Finally one day I got so mad that I just ripped up the carpet and that began the bedroom reno. We now have floating floors, the walls are a nice green and I actually don't mind leaving the door open. 

Next was my hideous kitchen. The cupboards were painted an ugly light blue. One day while washing the walls I decided that enough was enough and I took down all of the cupboards and told D that we were going to build our own! And so we did! I don't have any BEFORE pictures but here is the finished product of the cupboard doors that D & I built. I just took the picture so there is a lot of shit on the counter, it doesn't normally look like that.

And now we are on to the bathroom in the basement. After completing all of those projects by ourselves we decided that a bathroom was too big of a job so we hired people. The work starts next week.

Stay tuned for before, during and after photos.

D & D's Love Story: The first "hang out" alone

Recap: D & I were friends before we were dating. Drunken flirtation and kissing ensued...

It was a few days (I think) before I talked to D again after the drunken night of flirting and kissing. I can't remember who called who first but I think there were voicemails and returned calls involved. When we finally chatted it was kind of weird and shy and awkward but not too bad. I recall a lot of school girl giggling. D had (still has) a family tradition every year on the August civic long weekend (it's a Canadian holiday), his entire family gets together at their family cottage and they play in a baseball tournament. His mom has 13 brothers and sisters and they have kids and they have kids so it is like a family reunion once a year. He was heading for that weekend so we made plans to hang out when he got back.

Sadly it was a time when cell reception was not great in most places and since their cottage is in a very tiny town out in the middle of nowhere I knew there was no chance of getting a phone call while he was away. I spent the weekend partying with my friends and fighting the butterflies in my stomach from the new love feeling.

D got back from his weekend and we made plans to watch a movie. Since we were both fresh out of college and just starting out with our jobs we both still lived with our parents (boooo). It happened that my parents would be out for the evening so I said we could watch the movie at my place. D came to pick me up in his Jeep (which I thought was so cool-haha) and we went to the movie store to pick something out.

Now this is where it gets funny. Walking through the store I was about 3-5 feet ahead of D. All of sudden I heard a crash-like noise and heard a bunch of movies falling to the floor. When I turned around there was D standing in the middle of this pile with a beet red face. "Did you do that??" I said while laughing. What had happened was that a small kid ran in front of him and he had to move to get out of the way and it was either step on the child or hit the movie shelf. I still tease him to this day.

We rented National Security with Martin Lawrence and spent the entire movie sitting awkwardly on the couch like a bunch of teenagers while D attempted for about 60 minutes to put his arm around me. He is a naturally very shy guy and never really had a serious girlfriend so it was awkward. We only kissed once at the end of the night.

A few nights later we went out for a "real date." We had dinner at a restaurant. I always hate the awkward eating in front of someone for the first time.

It's fun strolling down memory lane. What shall I write about next week???

I have made a decision

I am moving forward with TTC.

That is my final answer. The past few days I have done a lot of thinking about it and have come to the conclusion that while I am still sad and grieving my miscarriage I also need to move forward. I did nothing wrong to deserve or cause the miscarriage. While I don't think I am strong enough to deal with another miscarriage, I have to remain positive that the next time I see 2 lines it will result in a 9 month pregnancy and a healthy baby after that.

I do feel like I will be going on Clomid in May though. (the doctor's plan is to start me on Clomid if I am not pregnant again by May when I see him next.) Due to my blocked tube, I am fairly convinced that I will be having the long appointment with my long list of Clomid-related questions for my doctor come May. The fact that I got pregnant naturally is amazing and it would be wonderful if it happened again.

I have decided though that I will never forget the first pregnancy. D and I named that little embryo "DJ" which is either of our names Junior. I will not call the next embryo/fetus DJ, we will come up with a new nickname (I really hate the thought of saying "it" all the time). I also bought a journal which I planned to keep throughout my pregnancy and give it to my child when he or she is old enough. The only entry was from the day I got my BFP, I decided that I will not rip that page out. I have also decided that we will not tell a soul about any other pregnancies until we clearly see a heartbeat and a baby via ultrasound. We were so excited and while we only shared the news with those closest to us, it is still hard knowing that they all know, I like for my pain to be private.

Something that I know D has decided...he is going to treat me like I am made of glass for the next pregnancy. He treated me like this before my miscarriage but I have a feeling it will be a million times more when and if the next one comes along.

So please, cross your fingers for us as we enter again into this often painful and stressful world of TTC.

Stupid men and their stupid locked down emotions

D and I have been doing a lot of talking lately about whether or not I am ready to TTC again. My O time should be coming very very quickly so I need to make this decision soon. Yes, I want a baby. Yes, I think I am ready. But I am still very very sad about my miscarriage.

All D has said is that we will do whatever I want to. Which is extremely supportive and wonderful BUT I would really like to know what he is thinking. What does he want? What is going on in his head?

I think it is because he wants to move forward right away but he is worried that I am not ready and he doesn't want me to feel pressured into TTC again if I am not emotionally there yet. This is what I am assuming, it is only a guess though because he won't say those words.

Just a picture that I love

It has been a few years since I took this picture. We used to get my nephew for a week once a year in March. They lived a few hours away and every March break my niece would be in a tournament so we would take my nephew for the week. 


I loved every minute of it. One day while he was here we took a walk because it was gorgeous outside. I snapped this shot with my basic sony digital camera. I made him jump in the puddle about 3 times before I got the perfect shot, he was having a blast.

D & D's Love Story

You know it's bad when you become bored with your own blog. By reading other's blogs and figuring out what I enjoy reading I have decided to steal an idea and each week (it may or may not fall on the same day) I will post a little tidbit of mine and D's love story (gag-sorry, I am not cutesy).


I also came up with my own fresh idea but I will save that for another day. I know the suspense must be killing you.


D & D Love Story: How we came to be


I have known D for a very long time. We went to the same high school and while we weren't really friends, we hung out with the same crowds. He was a year younger than me though so we did not share any classes.


High school came and went and so did College. I would see D on holidays and in the summer when we were both home from school. We would party together and see each other around town occasionally. No butterflies, no crushes. He was just D (actually he has a rather unfortunate nickname: Shitty).


After College I moved away and lived with my friend and her boyfriend (J) (her boyfriend is actually one of D's best friends). I was waitressing and looking for a job in my field. One day I got a job offer in my hometown that was in my field, it was at the radio station that I had worked at during the summers. Great! So I moved back home.


That summer I spent a lot of time with my friends partying, playing baseball, hanging out. One Canada day there was an outdoor concert that we all attended, D and his friend J were in the beer gardens and they were hammered. It was raining out and they decided to poke holes in garbage bags and wear them to stay dry. I ended up drinking a fair amount myself and actually spent a significant amount of time with D, we laughed and chatted and drank and had a great time.


I developed a crush on SHITTY!?!?!???? How did that happen? He was wearing a garbage bag and I developed a crush on him?


About a month later at a party before heading to a Trooper concert, D and I began to flirt. We had our first drunken kiss that night and the rest is history.


This is a picture that was taken by D's sister that night. D got it enlarged and framed for me for one of our anniversaries, it hangs on a wall next to a wedding picture.

Next week: the first time we hung out just him and I

Time on my hands

Well, it's official. The Olympics are over and I should be finding myself significantly bored.

The Canada vs USA hockey game was outstanding!! We were leading 2-1 until there was 30 seconds left in the game and USA scored! What a stressful game to watch. Our Canadian boys were all over them in OT but of course Ryan Miller was outstanding as always. I am a Buffalo fan and LOVE Ryan Miller. Then Sydney Crosby got one past him and CANADA WON!!!! Bring on another gold!!!

At the end of it all Canada shattered some records for medals. First of all, Canada has never won a gold medal on home soil before Alexandre Bilodeau got his. Canada also beat the record for the most medals won by a home country and they also won the most gold medals of these games! I find it funny how many more medals are handed out at the Summer Olympics. I looked at the medal totals and thought to myself, 14 gold medals is amazing but if you think about it, Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals in 1 olympics and that is just 1 man!

So now it is all over and I have to find something to fill my time.  I am proud to be Canadian every day but even more so after those amazing games and after seeing all of our amazing athletes.

The closing ceremonies were great and I love how we were able to poke fun at ourselves and Canadian culture.