I am moving forward with TTC.
That is my final answer. The past few days I have done a lot of thinking about it and have come to the conclusion that while I am still sad and grieving my miscarriage I also need to move forward. I did nothing wrong to deserve or cause the miscarriage. While I don't think I am strong enough to deal with another miscarriage, I have to remain positive that the next time I see 2 lines it will result in a 9 month pregnancy and a healthy baby after that.
I do feel like I will be going on Clomid in May though. (the doctor's plan is to start me on Clomid if I am not pregnant again by May when I see him next.) Due to my blocked tube, I am fairly convinced that I will be having the long appointment with my long list of Clomid-related questions for my doctor come May. The fact that I got pregnant naturally is amazing and it would be wonderful if it happened again.
I have decided though that I will never forget the first pregnancy. D and I named that little embryo "DJ" which is either of our names Junior. I will not call the next embryo/fetus DJ, we will come up with a new nickname (I really hate the thought of saying "it" all the time). I also bought a journal which I planned to keep throughout my pregnancy and give it to my child when he or she is old enough. The only entry was from the day I got my BFP, I decided that I will not rip that page out. I have also decided that we will not tell a soul about any other pregnancies until we clearly see a heartbeat and a baby via ultrasound. We were so excited and while we only shared the news with those closest to us, it is still hard knowing that they all know, I like for my pain to be private.
Something that I know D has decided...he is going to treat me like I am made of glass for the next pregnancy. He treated me like this before my miscarriage but I have a feeling it will be a million times more when and if the next one comes along.
So please, cross your fingers for us as we enter again into this often painful and stressful world of TTC.
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