2 years ago

I am ovulating. 2 years ago this information would have sent me into a planned sex frenzy.

But today? I got my positive OPK. I called the fertility clinic and left the following message:
"Hello, my name is (say and spell name here) I am a patient of Dr. L's. I am currently doing my mock cycle for my frozen embryo transfer. I just got a positive ovulation test so I am now in need of my schedule for blood work and ultrasound. Also, please fax my requisitions to (insert fax number here). I can be reached on my cell phone today where you may also leave a message at (insert number here)."

Funny how things change.

So now I am on to step 2 and step 3 of the mock cycle. On Thursday I get an ultrasound to check my endometrial lining followed by a blood test to check my progesterone level on June 7th. If I pass those tests then we are full steam ahead for the FET.

I am impatient for these things to happen and then when they do I get all nervous and jittery. By my calculations I think I will be heading to the city where the clinic is around June 24th (which coincidentally I am also booked for a pap test with my gynie)

Meds or Stress?

When I did IVF I was told numerous times about how moody I would be from the meds. I was teased, D was teased that I was going to be some irrational freak of nature due to the meds I was pumping into my body.

I wasn't that bad. Near the end I was bitchier than normal and I got annoyed very easily but for the 2 months that I was taking different hormones, I would say I made it through pretty good.

This time around for the FET I am med free, which I am very happy about. But I must say I am more emotional than the first time around. I am moody, cranky, tired, stressed, emotional and weepy. Every thing that D does hurts my feelings. I am thinking constantly about the 40 million different scenarios that could come out of this. Maybe it's because I have been through the devastation of it being unsuccessful or maybe I am just regularly stressed and anxious.

So is it the meds that make you moody or is it the stress? Maybe a lovely combo of the 2.



On to phase 2 of the FET Mock cycle: On Saturday I will start taking OPKs.

My Fertility Clinic

Well clearly it is not mine, I do not own it. But it's the one I chose and the one I go to. So, I shall call it MINE.

It's a nice place. Yes,  I hated it over the holidays when I was at home stirring and bleeding and spotting, with my + HPT and nobody to get a hold of due to holiday hours but that is partially my fault, we picked a horrible time to do IVF. Hind sight is 20/20 though, right?

Anyway.... I do love them there. The staff is very nice and accommodating, I am always in and out pretty quickly (for the experience I have had at the actual clinic-many of my appointments have been teleconference or telephone) and they all always smile and wish you luck and answer any and all questions you have. They are there 7 days a week for you. During my IVF treatment, I ran out of Puregon. I mentioned it earlier that day at my appointment but they figured that I should have enough. I did not. So I called the doctor on call and he met me at the clinic on a Friday evening right around dinner time to get me more Puregon. Private health care was looking very good at this point. He even suggested delivering the meds to me but we decided meeting him there would be best.

Because this is the only place I have gone to for fertility treatments, I didn't realize that some people have to deal with clinics that are Monday to Friday clinics so you better not need treatment on a weekend. I actually laughed and was horrified to read the following line from a clinic's website while I was researching FET schedules:

Unfortunately, during a natural cycle, we cannot control the day of ovulation. If the day of embryo thaw and transfer falls regularly on a Sunday or holiday, the laboratory staff will become very unhappy

What??? Is that for real? I feel terrible for those couples who are dealing with such a clinic. Then I realized that some people are medicated to accommodate a Monday to Friday clinic schedule and while yes, the purpose of medication is to force things that won't happen naturally, I am glad that my clinic did not change my dosages to ensure that I fit into their schedule.

From my dad

My dad has a sense of humor. Most of us in my family do. Sometimes it is dry, sarcastic, inappropriate but always hilarious.

The other day I checked my email to find this gem, sent to me and my 2 sisters:

Ladies, your Mother has just stood me up for [cousin]'s wedding as she is going to Charlottetown for work. can you find me a cheap date ( between $ 3.00 and $ 12.00 and prefably disease free for the evening )  please don't tell your Mother.


I am still giggling.

I love my dad!

The FET is on

AF showed up and so we are off like a herd of turtles. (DH always says that but this time it rings true because it will be slow going)

This is how it's going to go, I will start taking OPKs in a week or so and once I get a positive, I call the clinic. Then I arrange to have an ultrasound done 3 days later and bloodwork following that. Once my ovulation date is pinpointed, the clinic will tell me when I have to be at the clinic for my real monitoring and the FET.  (ex: they will tell me I am to start my monitoring there on CD 12)

Then once I get the next AF, I will call them and tell them what day is Day 1 and we will figure out the date that I am to be back at the clinic. Hopefully I will be there for a maximum of 2 weeks. But we shall see.

I am anxious, nervous, scared, excited, worried, and a million other similar emotions all rolled into one. At the same time it is all kind of surreal and even though IVF was 6 months ago, it feels like a million years ago.

It is days now

The mock cycle for the FET will officially get rolling when AF shows up. She could be here any day but should technically be here Wednesday or Thursday. I know she is coming, I can feel he creeping up. And with every symptom I get a little more freaked out.

I am anxious and considering the million different scenarios that could pan out with all of this. My body is healed from IVF and the m/c, it is ready to go forward with this. I don't know that my emotions will ever be healed but I feel ready to try again. But with all of that comes the nerves. I am terrified as well.

I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak but I am also not ready to throw in the towel yet. And now that we discovered a second blocked tube, our chances of conceiving on our own are Nil. So that is adding a bunch of stress, it can no longer be a shot in the dark back up plan.

So here I sit and stew and worry. This is going to be another long 2 months followed by another hellish 2ww. Can I click my heels together and make it all go faster?

I hate lying

But lying I am.

D and I (well mostly I) made the decision to keep the FET a secret. When I have to leave town for a week, we will tell people who are close and on a need-to-know-if-I-am-out-of-town basis that I am getting a whole slew of testing for "monitoring" to make sure that at the mid/end of my cycle that all of my hormones are producing properly in my body.

We will tell them that these tests need to be done at the clinic and it was just easier for me to go there for a week straight and get these tests done. To other Infertiles it may seem like a weird lie that should be followed by a million questions but to the Fertiles and Cluelesses in my life, it is perfect.

We have already started. A few close people knew that I was getting the hysterosonogram yesterday so said people have asked what is next. I said "I will probably need some more tests but when we are ready we can do the Frozen Embryo Transfer" Usually at the sound of 'when we are ready' the line of questioning stops. People walk on egg shells and while normally I hate that, for this, it's OK with me.

When we found out that IVF was going to be our best choice for conceiving, I came out of the IF closet. Previously I had been very very private but by that point, I got very sick of being asked questions about our future and babies that I decided to come clean with a choice few. Then that few grew and grew some more.

When the time for IVF came around, most of our friends knew. D got a bit of a big mouth and he told a few more friends than I would have liked, who in turn told their Significant Others-significant to them but very INsignificant to me and so there were too many people who I am not close with who all of sudden knew very private details about me and knew why I was away for 3 weeks. It's just how things snowball from one person to the next.

And then when IVF was over, I felt like I was under a microscope, people watching me, looking at my belly for any signs of bloat, watching what I was drinking until finally when I went into hiding and became very recluse and quiet and sad all the time, which is not like me. Then that is when I assume people figured it out. And I must say, it is nothing to be ashamed of but it is HUMILIATING when people know that either IVF failed or that you have miscarried. It's heartbreaking, you can feel the looks of pity and I hate that.

So because of all of it, we are keeping it a secret. Thankfully I have BOTB and my blog, otherwise D might divorce me for my lack of an outlet to get all of this out.

The Hysterosonogram

Today I had my hysterosnonogram. 

Yesterday I woke up at 5:30 am. I went to work until 11 and then I drove 6.5-7 hours to get to the city where the fertility clinic is. I got up this morning, went to the clinic, had my invasive procedure and then drove the 6.5-7 hour drive back home. I did this all by myself and I am fucking exhausted. 


Back to the test itself. 


I got into the ultrasound room and the procedure was explained to me (I already knew what to look forward to) and the technologist went to get Dr. L so they could proceed with the fun. 


The plan was to check my uterus and make sure there were no abnormalities that caused my miscarriages. But Dr. L asked me if he could also check my tubes today. I said sure, why not. He's going to be in there anyway. 


So away we went. The speculum went in, my cervix was wiped, the catheter was inserted through my cervix into my uterus. The speculum was removed, and my boyfriend, the TransVag ultrasound wand (aka Dildo Cam) was inserted to take some Glamor shots of the procedure. 

There was very minimal cramping and discomfort. Compared to the HSG  (Hydrosalpingogram) it was a walk in the park. Everything was looked at and saline was pushed through and I watched and listened as they explained what was going on. It was a good news - bad news situation.


Good: My uterus is fine and there are no abnormalities.


Bad: There was no flow coming out of the left tube (the one that is was open) so it is now also blocked. Dr. L said it could be from more scar tissue or it could have been because I had already ovulated so maybe the uterine lining was blocking it, but he said it wasn't that thick so he dismissed that as a possibility.


Good: We have the go ahead for the FET. 


Bad: If the FET doesn't work, we no longer have that 7% chance of conceiving on our own


Good: Ontario health care will pay for 3 IVF cycles is both tubes are blocked


Bad: I decided after the last IVF cycle that I never wanted to go through that again. 




So, for now we will proceed with the FET. I hope so badly that it works and I don't even need to think about or consider the possibility of another IVF cycle. But if it doesn't, we have some serious thinking to do and some really tough choices to make. 

The possibility of twins

D and I made the decision during our IVF cycle that twins would be too much for us. For many reasons, the main one being that my OB is 1.5 hours away and the hospital where I live is just not equipped to deal with the possibility of preemies and the support needed for pre-term labor that often occurs in multiple pregnancies. So for my own health and safety and the health and safety of the potential twins, we chose to transfer only 1 embryo.

For the FET, Dr. L has recommended that we transfer 2 embryos. We trust him and will seriously consider what he recommends and we will transfer 2 embryos (providing that 2 survive the thawing). So we are now dealing with the possibility that we will have twins. (we could also be dealing with the possibility that neither embryo will take but I choose to try and be positive)

Today, at work a woman came in for an ultrasound who is about 30 weeks pregnant with twins and it made me think. That could be me.

There are risks, there are concerns, there is hope.

Back to reality

I have been masking my stress and my anxiety and my sadness with the planning of our vacation.

I buried myself into the thought of escaping reality and getting a much needed vacation for D and I. And now we are back and my Hysterosonogram is on Monday and I am starting to freak out. I just figured I would go there, have the test and then come home and wait for AF to start my mock cycle before moving on to the FET in June. But it never occurred to me (or I never allowed myself to think that) there might be something wrong. What is my uterus is not capable of carrying a pregnancy? I am starting to freak out a little. I had a minor meltdown the other night, my first in a while.

This makes me wonder if I really am ready to be moving ahead again. Am I ready to go through this all over again? Am I strong enough to handle it all over? I do think it is worth the try because I don't want to spend my life wondering what if but I also don't know if I can handle a potential heart wrenching, soul shattering disappointment again.

::sigh:: I am thankful for my vacation because clearly, my reality was worth escaping.

Pictures from Mexico

Just got back from an amazing trip to Mexico. Of course, AF showed up the day before we left. It wasn't too bad though and the trip was amazing!

We went to the Riviera Maya and stayed at the Catalonia Yucatan. We met some great people and had a wonderful time!

 

We did an excursion one day that included walks and bike rides through the jungle, visits to some Mayan Ruins (the history and stories are amazing and wild), we got to climb a big pyramid called Coba. D made it all the way up but I got too chicken at about 3/4 of the way and slowly made my way down on my butt. Then we went to a different area, walked through the jungle, went ziplining over some water that was the home to 2 alligators, walked some more until we made it to a Cenote: a sinkhole with exposed rocky edges containing groundwater. It is typically found in the Yucatán Peninsula and some nearby Caribbean islands. The term derives from a word used by the low-land Yucatec Maya to mean any location with accessible groundwater. We got blessed by a Mayan Medicine Man because we were going swimming in the Cenote and they believe that is their Underworld (which is a good thing), then we rappelled down into the Cenote, went for a swim in there, swam through a pitch black cave and I mean PITCH BLACK. Then we walked back through the jungle, went for a canoe ride, had a delicious Mexican lunch and it was back to the resort. An amazing and exhausting day!

 

VIVA MEXICO!

Now it's back to the real world though, Yuck!