Back to reality

I have been masking my stress and my anxiety and my sadness with the planning of our vacation.

I buried myself into the thought of escaping reality and getting a much needed vacation for D and I. And now we are back and my Hysterosonogram is on Monday and I am starting to freak out. I just figured I would go there, have the test and then come home and wait for AF to start my mock cycle before moving on to the FET in June. But it never occurred to me (or I never allowed myself to think that) there might be something wrong. What is my uterus is not capable of carrying a pregnancy? I am starting to freak out a little. I had a minor meltdown the other night, my first in a while.

This makes me wonder if I really am ready to be moving ahead again. Am I ready to go through this all over again? Am I strong enough to handle it all over? I do think it is worth the try because I don't want to spend my life wondering what if but I also don't know if I can handle a potential heart wrenching, soul shattering disappointment again.

::sigh:: I am thankful for my vacation because clearly, my reality was worth escaping.