I hate lying

But lying I am.

D and I (well mostly I) made the decision to keep the FET a secret. When I have to leave town for a week, we will tell people who are close and on a need-to-know-if-I-am-out-of-town basis that I am getting a whole slew of testing for "monitoring" to make sure that at the mid/end of my cycle that all of my hormones are producing properly in my body.

We will tell them that these tests need to be done at the clinic and it was just easier for me to go there for a week straight and get these tests done. To other Infertiles it may seem like a weird lie that should be followed by a million questions but to the Fertiles and Cluelesses in my life, it is perfect.

We have already started. A few close people knew that I was getting the hysterosonogram yesterday so said people have asked what is next. I said "I will probably need some more tests but when we are ready we can do the Frozen Embryo Transfer" Usually at the sound of 'when we are ready' the line of questioning stops. People walk on egg shells and while normally I hate that, for this, it's OK with me.

When we found out that IVF was going to be our best choice for conceiving, I came out of the IF closet. Previously I had been very very private but by that point, I got very sick of being asked questions about our future and babies that I decided to come clean with a choice few. Then that few grew and grew some more.

When the time for IVF came around, most of our friends knew. D got a bit of a big mouth and he told a few more friends than I would have liked, who in turn told their Significant Others-significant to them but very INsignificant to me and so there were too many people who I am not close with who all of sudden knew very private details about me and knew why I was away for 3 weeks. It's just how things snowball from one person to the next.

And then when IVF was over, I felt like I was under a microscope, people watching me, looking at my belly for any signs of bloat, watching what I was drinking until finally when I went into hiding and became very recluse and quiet and sad all the time, which is not like me. Then that is when I assume people figured it out. And I must say, it is nothing to be ashamed of but it is HUMILIATING when people know that either IVF failed or that you have miscarried. It's heartbreaking, you can feel the looks of pity and I hate that.

So because of all of it, we are keeping it a secret. Thankfully I have BOTB and my blog, otherwise D might divorce me for my lack of an outlet to get all of this out.