So the BFN came on Monday.
The period started today. Very light but still there.
Last night I cried in D's arms for a while. TOnight I sit here alone crying. (D is on nights)
Yesterday D and I babysat out 1 year old niece for a little bit. I sat on the couch watching him with her and my heart broke into a million pieces. I have always known that he would be an amazing dad and I see him interact with the kids all the time. But yesterday it just really hit me like a ton of bricks. He deserves to be a dad. He deserves to be with a woman who can give him children.
Instead, the poor bastard feel in love with me. A broken woman. It hurts. It rips my heart into a million pieces.
I see my doctor on May 3rd. He plans to start me on Clomid. But if he can't monitor me properly then I will choose not to take it, then where does that leave me? The nearest RE to me is a 7 hour drive away. That is just not something feasible for us. We already travel to see my OB (who also deals with all of the area's high risk pregnancies and has some other specialties but I don't think RE is on his list of credentials)
I hate this. I hate being broken. I hate that D is stuck with me. He is too good of a man to ever leave me but I fear so much that he resents me or that he will resent me. He loves me, he loves me unconditionally and he constantly is my rock and comforts me and consoles me. He tells me that as long as he has me he will be happy but that can't be right. It's a completely different thing when you know that YOU are the problem. He says it is OUR problem not just mine but when you know medically that the reason you are not getting pregnant is you, things are different.
My heart hurts.
oh honey, I understand. It sucks. Hardcore. I'm so sorry. I will keep my fingers crossed for you. Your OB should be able to monitor you fine, so we'll keep our fingers crossed that he does/will.
ReplyDeleteHugs.