Today should be a good day. I have plans to go out with my friends tonight and the tile guy is making amazing progress in the bathroom. But I am overly emotional from probably PMS and I have a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat.
My emotional roller coaster began yesterday. My 2 sisters took my niece shopping for her prom dress. I live out of town so I am constantly missing things with my nieces and nephew. This was no different, it brok my heart that I was missing this. The evening came and nobody called to tell me how things went, I have been overlooked my whole life so this didn't really surprise me.
Then I talked to my niece on facebook and I asked. Yes, she did find a dress. I immediately started crying. They took no pictures so not only did I miss this but I am also left in the dark about the whole thing. It is selfish of me to feel this way because it is not about me but I am so sad and so sick of missing big events in their lives.
Then this morning I had an uncomfortable conversation with one of my best friends. We are both TTC. SHe got pregnant after about 3 months TTC and had an m/c. They discovered no heartbeat on the ultrasound and she had to get a D&C. This was just before my pregnancy and miscarriage.
She knows everything about our trouble TTC, my 1 good tube, the miscarriage, everything.
So the topic of me starting Clomid came up and she told me she didn't think I should do it "so soon" and that I should wait until September since we have only been trying for 2 cycles since my miscarriage. I don't expect her to understand what it is like to have to struggle with TTC but she knows our situation. I feel very hurt by her advice.
She has no idea what it is like to have to worry about the possibility of never getting pregnant. She has no idea what it is like to TTC for 16 cycles without having a healthy pregnancy to show for it. I got pregnant on our 13th cycle. If it takes another 13 for me to get pregnant again I might go off the deep end. To those people who have been trying for years, I know that my 16 cycles seems like peanuts but it is not peanuts to me.
I am the kind of person who hates confrontation and rather than tell her that this hurt me I will just let it fester inside. I am a bullied teenager that way, I never speak my mind and end up getting trampled on in the process. I am trying not to let this bother me but why is she judging me for this? As my friend she should be supporting me in my decisions.
I am now not looking forward to tonight at all. If it gets brought up again, I may very well burst into tears and ruin the whole night.
I am an emotional mess.
No comments:
Post a Comment