Life as usual resumes today

I go back to work tonight, I am very not ready for this for several reasons.
1- every single person who works at the hospital needs to know everyone else's business and because I took a tiny bit of a sick leave people will be curious and asking questions. I also fear that my MIL who also works at the hospital has spilled the beans about my miscarriage, in which case I do not look forward to the looks of pity on everyone's faces.

2- one of my co-workers gave birth the night before I started bleeding. In fact, when I was leaving the hospital completely devastated and broken, I was informed that the baby was born. While I am happy for her, it was virtually impossible for me to be anything but sad at that moment. Nobody knows that I was even pregnant so it is not anyone's fault and nobody is being insensitive but my wounds are fresh and it hurts

3- I am not going to be my usual peppy self and people will have questions. Questions about why I was off and what is the matter with me. I don't normally lash out at people but I fear that I might say some things that I will regret

4- It never fails that some pregnant crack head will come in for medical attention and I will have to register them and wonder how it is possible for someone who smokes, does drugs and does not take care of themself or the baby is able to carry a child and I couldn't

5- I am supposed to be pregnant right now and excited about my first OB appointment tomorrow, instead I am dreading it. I am supposed to be happy and feeling bloated and sick and not worried about working the night shift and then getting up early to go to the appointment. 

Tomorrow I see my doctor and there is whole other list of reasons that I don't want to do that either.

One day at a time...