A Giftless Christmas

That was the title to an email that I sent to all of the members on my side of the family. This year, because of our trip to Cuba we decided to have a giftless christmas and I have to say, it was really nice. We did some volunteer work and it felt really good to make it about something else other than gifts.

I was talking to the wife of one of DH's cousins over the weekend and she told me how on her side of the family they pick a charity and donate money rather than give gifts so I came up with a version of this idea and wrote this email to my family:


I don’t know about the rest of you but I was really really happy with our giftless Christmas this year. Even if we don’t do a trip every year I vote that we get out of doing gifts and instead I have a new idea and tradition that we can start. We can all split on the booze and food no matter where the festivities are being hosted and instead of gifts we each choose a charity to donate a sum of money to and then instead of opening gifts we each take turns telling the family about the charity we selected and why we chose it.

What does everyone think?? I would much rather just spend time with you guys and eat and play games.


I am a big fan of this idea.

So far my niece, brother in law and sister have all responded saying that they love this idea, so that makes me really happy and I hope that I have started a new tradition.

Remaining hopeful

While the negativity seems to be overtaking me I am trying to stay hopeful that I will get pregnant naturally. I was pondering just giving up but I want a baby and if my doctor says it is possible for me to get pregnant naturally then I will keep doing everythign I can to try that. If nothing else then I can say to him, listen this is NOT working, please intervene and help a sister out here?!?!

So, I am heading into a fertile window and am hoping that maybe 2010 will kick off with a BFP for me, of course if it doesn't I will continue my monthly ritual of crying and being heart broken on the day that my period shows up.

I see my doctor again at the beginning of February, here's hoping that I can say "I got a positive pregnancy test" instead of "I am still not pregnant and we would like to look at some other options to help us along"

Adios Christmas!

Christmas was nice this year and as you know, I am not a fan.
We spent Christmas eve at my in laws and had our Christmas with them, standard, nothing out of the ordinary, I got a hot stone massage gift certificate, a necklace and earrings and some pjs.

Then on Christmas day we went and did our volunteer work. We prepared and served a meal to people who are less fortunate or all alone at Christmas time. I did it as a kid with my pepere for years, I haven't been back since before he passed away and it was quite an emotional day. Then we returned to my parents and we all had dinner and played some games.

Yesterday (boxing day) we took my sister's kids sliding and had a lot of fun then it was time for my personal; favorite part of the Holidays, the World Junior hockey tournament. GO CANADA GO! they beat Latvia 15-0, wasn't much of a contest and the Canadian boys look awesome this year! I am anxious to see more of what the goalies have to offer though.

While I had a great time with my family, I am glad that Christmas is over!

The Holidays

I am not a big Christmas fan to begin with but I find that not being pregnant at this time of year is especially hard. Last year I was sure that we would have a baby or at least be pregnant by now. It is depressing and of course there are a ton of family get togethers where everyone will be asking when we are starting a family and it's like taking a bullet every time.

I hope that 2010 brings us some more luck in the baby department but I also thought that about 2009. It is very hard to stay positive.

The good news is that my sisters and brothers in law and nieces and nephews are arriving today for the holidays, I just left them at the airport on Sunday but I miss them already.

Happy Holidays to you and yours!

Holiday was amazing!!! But not for TTC

Cuba was absolutely breathtaking and amazing. The resort was beautiful and huge, the weather was fantastic and the wedding was amazing! My sister looked beautiful and was the calmest I have ever seen her in her whole life!

I have included some pictures below. We enjoyed the beach, the pool, the disco, the DRINKS and the food. It was spectacular and I was super bummed to have to come home.

I was hoping that the holiday would be a nice vacation from my brain and the whole TTC and infertility challenges but it was not. The exact moment that we landed in Cuba and were about to board teh bus to the resort my aunt comes up to me and says "I heard all about your problems and you and I are going to talk! (points to her son) That is a 1-tube baby" I told her I didn't want to talk about it and DH said we should get on the bus so I followed him.
I had a chat with my dad later to find out why and how she even knew about our struggles, he was very apologetic and told me that he didn't tell her but apparently my mom talked with my memere about it so I know who the culprit is. I hate that people know this, I like to keep that part of my life private.

Then my period was not supposed to show her ugly face until Friday at the earliest, she showed up on Tuesday! I was really hoping that the HSG would have helped open some things up and helped to assist me in getting pregnant, not so much!

To top it all off, one of the wedding guests is about 6-months pregnant and I had to look at her rubbing her belly all week, my heart broke a little bit each time.

So now I am trying to stay positive and I have decided that at my appointment in February I will be DEMANDING some medical intervention at the very least and hopefully get a referral to an RE.

Other than that the trip was EXCELLENT, I don't want to undermind the trip because it was really really fantastic but this is a TTC blog...

Here are some pictures:

 

Hope has turned into doubt

I am really struggling with staying positive about this whole TTC thing. Even though the HSG provided good news I just feel like if it hasn't happened yet it probably won't happen.
I feel a little mad at my doctor for wanting us to keep trying naturally, obviously that isn't working.

DH and I have both been sick so the sex timing around ovulation was probably not perfect but at this point I have practically given up thinking that it still could have worked. Through all of the months of perfect timing, average timing, good timing.... still no pregnancy.

I am full steam ahead looking forward to my trip, we fly out Saturday!!!

HSG test was today

Well the experience itself was absolutely excruciating  but the results were positive.

I have one clear open tube for sure, the other one is most likely blocked because he couldn't get a clear view and will be waiting for the radiologist's report. But he said that DH's SA was great and all I really need is 1 tube so it will be harder for us but not impossible.

The procedure: I waited in the cold xray room for him for 30 minutes and I was panicking the whole time, when he got there and began the "5 minute procedure" he immediately had trouble getting the catheter in, because of my previous LEEP surgery and tilted uterus he was struggling. After poking and proding around for 20-25 minutes the sharp stabbing pain of the catheter invaded my body and then the insanely awful cramps from the dye. My legs were shaking the entire time because keeping them open for that long was painful, I almost asked his Resident to put her hands on my knees to ease some of that pain.

I should have taken something before the test but I didn't because I normally have a really high pain tolerance, I guess I underestimated the whole procedure.

Time to move forward, I am moving full steam ahead to our vacation in 11 days! Cuba, here I come!!

Good weekend, nervous about tomorrow

With the hockey tournament and our house becoming party central, it was generally a good weekend. I got no studying done until last night and completely bombed my exam today. I am very glad to be finished with those 2 courses and it is time to move on to the next 3.

My HSG is tomorrow and I am extremely nervous and afraid of what the answers will be but at least we will have that: answers. Then we will be able to choose what our next step will be and move from there, it's a pretty scary thing to think about, I am trying to stay calm though.

Felt like I took a bullet though after this happened to me today:

I am standing in line to buy a card and there is a woman in front of me with a baby in a cart. The baby leans over looks past his mother points and me smiles and says "MAMA!" I almost started to cry, then he kept saying hi to me, he was super cute.
So they pay and as they are walking away he is reaching at me and crying and his mom is like "say bye bye" and he just continues to fuss and whine while reaching in my direction and staring at me.
Then as I am paying a pregnant teenager pushing a stroller comes walking by and not 5 minutes later another woman who is with her teenage daughter who is pushing a stroller with twins in it. 
Since I live in a small town and work in the hospital I know that these girls are not babysitting, I have seen them before.

Life is not fair

A weekend of hockey and beer

Well my husband and I are both playing hockey this weekend in a 4 on 4 tournament. ON top of the hockey we also party like maniacs and have a really good time. Should be interesting...

I have a fantastic husband

My husband has been so great through all of my mood swings and crying fits in the past couple of weeks. He is dealing with my stress so much better than I am. Yesterday I called him from work to see if he could make me a sandwich for lunch since I only get a half hour and wanted it ready when I rushed home for lunch. When I got home soup and a sandwich was on the table waiting for me then he drove me back to work.

After work he surprised me with flowers that he bought to cheer me up and he NEVER buys flowers and he also made me a delicious dinner of Tortelinni in blush sauce with salad and garlic bread and he didn't even expect to get lucky. He did the dishes and then got read for his night shift.

I am a lucky girl to have such an understanding and sweet husband.

Working more

One of the things about workign part time is the unreliable work hours. I was supposed to be off this week, which worke dout because I would have been able to study but I got a call yesterday asking if I wanted to work in another department at the hospital for a couple of weeks. This makes me happy because it is full time days and no evenings or weekends. PERFECT!! My studying is taking a back seat but that's ok because I can't seem to concentrate on anything other than my upcoming HSG test anyway.

Cried myself to sleep last night thinking and worrying about the results, I wish I could just get out of my own head or even take mine and everyone else's advice to just relax until I get some answers and that worrying isn't helping anything. It's all true but I can't help but worry and stress about it.

Countdown to Cuba: 18 more sleeps!

Friday was a bad day

Friday was cycle day 1 and as hard as I tried not to I was really hoping for a positive pregnancy test instead of having to book my HSG. Shit happens.

So I got a call this morning and my HSG is booked for December 1st. I don't know how I am going to stay sane for the next week. Deep breath.... deep breath

I also have 2 exams to write before then and my mind can't seem to concentrate on anything else other than the test and the different results and scenarios.

The weekend was alright, I worked all day on Saturday which I hate but gotta make money right? Then on Saturday we went over to our friends place to watch the UFC fight and celebrate said friend's birthday. The fight was good, it was cool because Tito Ortiz came out of retirement to fight so there was all of that hype.

I have to work today and then I am off until Sunday, the joys of being a part time employee...it works though because I can concentrate on studying this week.  I am anxious to get these courses done and out of the way and then I can start on the next 3.

Called the doctor's office today

Well it's official, I am on the list to get my HSG to see if I have blocked fallopian tubes. I was foolishly hoping that I would get a positive pregnancy test instead and be able to say "My tubes are not blocked because I got pregnant!" but sadly, that is not the case. So the office will call next week with the date which I asked for it to be December 1st because I have an exam to write the day before. How much stress can I throw at myself?

Weekend plans: Going over to friends of ours on Saturday night to have a couple of drinks and watch the UFC fights, Tito Ortiz is coming out of retirement and everyone is all excited. I am not that into the fights but I will watch them and enjoy the company of my friends. I haven't decided if I am going to drink yet, I am supposed to work on Sunday morning (not until 11) but I think a co-worker wants to switch and have me work on Saturday instead of Sunday, which would be fine.

And I am going to try and study at some point in there because I have one exam coming up on Thursday and the other on the following monday. I am so excited to be done with these 2 courses and move on to the next 3. My focus is remaining on our Cuba trip, it is coming close and I am excited for a much needed holiday.

"Big" weekend coming up

My husband plays in this hockey tournament in a couple of weekends and he is so excited about it. Last year we partied like rock stars and the guys played hockey and everyone had a blast! This year I expect nothing less and it should be a lot of fun again, plus it's pretty good hockey to watch!

Should be a fun time!

I am not really sharing this blog

I have a link to it posted in my signature for a couple of message boards I am on but other than that I am not really sharing it. I don't even think anyone has read it, which is really fine with me, it just makes me feel better to be able to get my thoughts down and I have a hard time keeping a journal.

My Cuba trip is getting closer and closer and I am getting more and more excited. I might even start packing soon, as risiculous as that sounds it makes a bit of sense because it is November so I am obviously not wearing my summer clothes right now!

Ok, enough is enough, I am ready for some good news!

Our best friends had their ultrasound yesterday and they were not able to see a heartbeat. She was sent for an HCG which wont be ready until tomorrow and was told she just had to be patient. The unknown absolutely killing her, which it would be killing me too! She has a tilted uterus and I have read that due to this it could be hard to see the heartbeat without a vaginal ultrasound, the fact that they did not do one right then and there makes me want to march down there and scream at someone. We live in Canada so it is not an insurance or benefits issue.

All of my fingers and toes and arms and legs and eyes are crossed for them, how is the world so cruel and unfair that crack heads and child molesters are able to conceive healthy, beautiful children with no problems and good, healthy people who would be amazing parents go through all these problems? Riddle me that!?

My mother in law's birthday is today, we are hosting dinner here at our house since we are both off, she requested lasagna, which is perfect for me because it is easy to make! We bought her a few shirts and a pair of PJs, she is so busy spoiling her grandkids that she never buys things for herself so I wanted to get her something that was just for HER.

I am THAT person?!?!

I am completely ashamed and appalled at myself. I learned yesterday that my cousin is pregnant and while I am happy for her and her finace, I felt my heart sink into my stomach when I heard the news. This will be their 3rd child, and they are great parents and their 2 boys are so cute but I actually felt jealous for a bit. What is wrong with me?? I have become THAT person, jealousy is a terrible quality and I am disgusted with myself.

On another note, the sperm analysis went swimmingly (pun intended). Apparently DH has some really good swimmers, so the problem is definitely me. While it is good news that we both don't have obstacles, it still makes me feel bad that it is me. I am the one who is stopping him from being able to reproduce. This is a terrible feeling and while I am usually an upbeat and happy person I find that this whole process is bringing me down and that this blog has so far been nothing but me whining and bitching.

So lets get on with some happy news! My sister is getting married in 1 month from today!! We will be in Cuba and I am so excited!! I am so happy for my sister that she finally found someone to make her happy and to marry, she has had her fair share of assholes and now she is getting married in just 1 month. We fly out to Cuba on the 12th of December and her wedding is on the 16th! I am insanely excited!!  Here's a little preview of the resort I am going to:

HOLY SHIT I AM EXCITED!!!!!!

Not what I was expecting

I had my regular meeting with my OBGYN on Tuesday (which was also my 2 year anniversary). Because we have been TTC for 12 cycles it was time to start the process to finding out why no baby yet.

This is what I WAS expecting: He would order a sperm analysis on DH and maybe some bloodwork for me.

This is what actually happened: He took a history of DH and I, and then he informed me that a bowel resection that I had done 14 years ago could have cause scar tissue to block my fallopian tubes. WHAT??? That is possible? Apparently so. So he explains 2 procedures to me, 1 is to put me under and do a laporascopic surgery by inserting a little camera and some dye in through my belly button to check the tubes. The second option is to do the procedure vaginally inteh xray department. He decided on the latter which is called HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) because the other procedure is kind of going in blind and he didn't know how much scar tissue I may have. So the Xray procedure it is, he will shoot dye and watch on the Xray screen to see if it goes through the tubes or not, if not then they are blocked. If they are blocked that means that nothing can get in or out of the tubes, no sperm entering and no egg exiting. He also ordered the SA for DH.

I was devastated to hear this news, 1.5 hours away from home and all by myself. I have dreamed my whole life about having a baby and just like that you realize that there could be something wrong. Something that might not be fixable. I am trying to hold my head up high and stay positive until we know for sure what is going on.

Husband's birthday

Tomorrow is my hubby's 27th birthday. The good thing about him turning 27 is that we will be the same age for 1 month. I am 11 months older than him so I get to enjoy not being an older age for 1 month every year.
I got him tickets to go see The Leafs play the Penguins in October, I am very excited for the game! I am making dinner for the family tomorrow, good thing I have the day off! Our oven is broken so it will probably be a BBQ which is good.

Introduction to the world of Dee

Well I am going to attempt this blogging thing. We'll see how it goes, I have a lot of thoughts whizzing around this head of mine so it's probably a good idea that I put them down in some from.

Most people call me Dee which is not the most original of nicknames but it's better than some things I have been called. I got married on November 10, 2007. We had a relatively big wedding (almost 200 guests), my husband has quite a large family and we have a pretty big close circle of friends. We wanted to have a big party so we made sure the ceremony was nice and short (took about 10 minutes) and then it was party time!


My husband is a paramedic and I work in a hospital and also do 1-day a week at a radio station recording commercials and a 6-hour show. We have a dog who is a mixed breed named Roxy and she is my baby and I love her to death. We have no human babies yet but we enjoy spoiling our nieces and nephew in the meantime though.

That is me! If you stick with reading this blog you will get more of me.
Oh, I almost forgot.. we are CANADIAN!