Anger at SIL + one husband in the dog house

I wish I could accurately describe my SIL. I could try but it is one of those things where you have to know her to get it. Her and I have butt heads on several different occasions. D gets very upset when this happens because he and his sister are close and he hates when there is tension between his wife and his sister. And in all of that he defends her, he sticks up for her and he takes her side. She can bash me and say what she wants about me and he tries to ignore it so as to not cause a fight. But the second that she upsets me and I tell him about it he will jump to her defense. This not only makes me insanely angry but it hurts. Then in the end I end up being the bigger person and apologizing or looking the other way and I do this for him. It's BULLSHIT!

So the other night SIL was complaining about her partner at work (let's call her W). They either love each other or hate each other and I guess they currently hate each other. So she was going on talking about W and how she  is such a big gossip and knows everything about everyone and blah blah blah. Then SIL says this to me: "She asks the dumbest most random questions to me like Do you go to the cottage every weekend? Do you parents go with you every time? Why doesn't these people have babies? Are those people going to start trying to have a baby? Oh and how are Dee and D doing?"

Immediately my back is up against the wall. Wait, why is she asking how we are doing? Why did you put that part in while you are talking about babies? How the FUCK does she know about us, whether it is my miscarriage or our trouble TTC? I wanted to ask all of these questions but mainly I wanted to strt crying. Because we were at MIL's and both our niece and nephew were there I did not want to cause a big scene and I knew that I would be emotionally charged and probably curse and scream and cry.

So when we got home I said to D. 'Listen, I would like you to ask your sister about this.(I explained what was said) just tell her that I was caught off guard by something she said. I know that you don't like us fighting so I am giving you the opportunity to ask her if she told W about this. And if she did then I know that everyone knows about it and I am not happy!!! I like to keep that stuff private and if she is going around telling people then I expect you to get upset because I will be very fucking upset! If you don't want to have this conversation with her then that is fine, I will do it but I am telling you, it is not going to end well"

So he said he would talk to her.

I really really like to keep this aspect of my life very private and if I choose to tell someone it is MY choice and MY story to tell.

Yesterday I asked him if he had talked to her yet. He said that he hadn't. So I said again "I will talk to her if you don't want to" to which he replied "BACK OFF!"


I lost it.

During the whole ordeal D has been amazing, he has held me numerous times while I cried, he has let me vent and he has been very supportive about it all. Then suddenly with 2 words I felt defeated, heart broken and totally alone. With those 2 words I felt that he did not take my feelings seriously, he was taking his sister's side again and he was also telling me that he didn't care.

I screamed at him. I have yet to forgive him no matter how many times he says sorry. I told him exactly how he made me feel by saying that and that I am extremely upset.

I cried before I went to sleep last night because I did feel all alone. He always reassured me that our trouble TTC was BOTH of our problem and not just mine (even though his reproductive system is perfect) and with 2 words I just felt so low and so sad and like I am alone on this journey. I am the one going for many appointments, getting procedures and surgeries, temping, checking CM, charting, obsessing. I feel alone.

::sigh::

Amazing news (not mine) + a doctor's appointment update

I have a lot to say in this blog post!! I will start with amazing news.

3 AMAZING women from the message board that I post on are pregnant. All 3 of these women have been to hell and back and I could not be happier for them. I wish and hope for them and these pregnancies, they deserve this happiness so much and I am don't even have words to express how elated I am for each of them!

Also, I got an email from one of my IRL friends announcing her pregnancy today! When I last saw her in May she was saying how she and her husband were going to see a fertility specialist, little did she know she was pregnant at the time. I am so excited for her as well.

Normally 4 pregnancy announcements in a short time might send me into a deep depression but this time I could not be more happy! YAY!!!!


Now onto my doctor's appointment from yesterday. It wasn't great but it wasn't devastating either. I will start with the waiting room. I am usually 1 of 2 women who are not pregnant in the waiting room. Not yesterday, I was the only one with broken lady bits. Everyone was hugely pregnant and I had to sit there surrounded by bellies that I so desperately wanted and couldn't help but think that my belly should look like that too.  Then there was the pregnant teen and her bf who were sitting beside me. He was complaining about how long the wait was and she was rubbing his back and kissing him and apologizing  for the wait time. This guy was a supreme douche nozzle! When they came out of the appointment she was waiting at the desk to make a next appointment and he said "Ugh, let's go!" to which she replied "I just have to make an appointment" then he said "I have been waiting an hour and a half! I am not waiting another 10 minutes!!!" My face hurt from giving him the stink eye, I swear! He also proceeded to pace around and then take a huge handfull of her ass and squeeze right in front of everyone. Oh, and he was wearing a tshirt that said "It's not me...It's you" KLASSY DUDE!

Onward to my appointment. Dr. R came in and reviewed my surgery with me and gave me more specific information. His original words post surgery were "your right tube is a mess" That mess was that the scar tissue from my appendectomy and bowel resection had fused my tube to the ovary to each other and twisted it all up into something that may have resembled a half chewed piece of gum. He was able to untwist and unfuse a little and created a teeny tiny opening in the tube. He is very certain that the tube will go back to how it was if it hasn't already. (I have been having weird cramps on the right side lately and I wonder if it is the tube twisting itself back up)

So because of the tiny opening that (may) be on the right side now he is very concerned about an ectopic pregnancy on that side. (Well fuck!) He weighed out all of the options and did a lot of thinking out loud. Then he made the decision for me to "relax for the summer and not think about things" (I wanted to reach across the desk and strangle him for uttering those words to me) and then if I am not pregnant by September then I can start the Clomid.

So, not really what I wanted to hear and not really what I was hoping for (I was hoping for him to wave a magic wand and tell me I was pregnant) but at least there is a solid plan now. Summer will fly by as it always does and if I am not pregnant by September then I will have to decide if I want to start the Clomid or not (by then I will have been TTC for 21 cycles + be 2 months away from 3 years of unprotected sex)

Why September though?? Why on the month where I am supposed to be due? When I will be an emotional basket case.

I have more to say about my lovely SIL (sarcasm) but I will wait until there is more info on that story. I will say that I had a dream that I screamed at her and we got in a huge fight so I have this hatred brewing inside of me, D is supposed to talk to her about it. Stay tuned....

Post Laparoscopy appointment

I see Dr. R on Monday for my post-op appointment. He told me to hold off on taking Clomid until I see him again after my laparoscopy. I am very anxious and curious to see what he is going to say now that he knows exactly what is messed up in my ute.

Part of me kind of wished that he had just taken the right tube out. If it was that big of a mess then what the hell good is it doing staying in there?

Because of the massive disappointment that I had at the last appointment with him, I am trying to not think about what might happen and just go in and listen to what he has to say. I really hope that his resident is not there, I blame that whole fiasco on her being there. Not on her specifically because she has never seen me before and doesn't know my history. But just the way things were running in the office that day. I was not there for a regular pap test appointment and that is how they treated it. I was there to discuss my infertility and trouble TTC and what our plan was. She didn't look far enough back in my chart to get a proper history and because he sent her in first I don't think he even glanced at my chart, only the information that she took.

I have decided that if he gives me the green light I will take the Clomid. I will not be getting all of the bloodwork and ultrasounds with it unless there is a problem. I have thought long and hard about this and I have done the research and I feel comfortable with this decision. The presciption has been mocking me since I got it in May and I think as long as Dr. R is comfortable with it then July will be my first Clomid cycle. It is a scary choice but I am reaady to take the next step in this whole journey.

Stay tuned....

Taking a dump at work

Yes, I am now blogging about taking a shit. If you don't like it, don't read it! LOL

I used to have some serious pooping issues. I would never take a crap anywhere but home, this caused for a lot of rushed trips home and also caused a lot of constipation and really backed things up.

One day I decided that pooping is healthy, everyone does it and I should just go when I have to go. Since then my bowels have thanked me.

I still get embarrassed about the whole thing though.

Well I thought I had it all figured out. I chose a washroom at work that had several stalls so that the stink couldn't be blamed on me. And it was also out of the way enough so that it wasn't close to my department and nobody would notice me sneaking out.

Well for the past 2 days there has been someone else in there and I got all tense and didn't have a nice feel good poop! This is annoying and frustrating.

I am all bloated and uncomfortable, I haven't felt like this in a while and I can't imagine that I used to feel like this daily.

The End.

My summer vacation: Niagara Falls

Well I made it home!

Let's do a quick recap with pictures of my time in Niagara Falls!

Day 1:

- Hung out at the falls
- Ripley's Believe it or Not museum
- Guiness World Records museum
- Chickened out at Nightmares
- Rode the Skywheel (by the way I am insanely afraid of heights)
- Watched fireworks at the falls at night
-Lost some $$$ at the Casino

Day 2:

- Maid of the Mist
- Wax Museum
- IMAX theatre with Daredevil Gallery (displaying all of the stories and some of the contraptions people have used to go over the falls)
- D got a tattoo
- Casino

Day 3:

- Indoor skydiving
- Outlet mall shopping
- Casino while D had a nap
- Magic Show at night

I don't have any photos from the skydiving, only a video which I will post a link to later on when I get it uploaded and put on youtube. I was only able to take a pre-jump photo or 2.

Vacation: Day 1

Of course I will not be updating daily vacation updates but I wanted to post this.

So, as mentioned before I said that AF would be arriving on day 1 of the vacation (which she did) and I would be spending the evening with 2 pregnant ladies, one of which would be just about as far along as I should be.

I felt prepared, I felt ok and I felt meltdown free. I even bought little gifts for each of the mommies. So there was an abundance of baby and pregnancy talk but if I felt uncomfortable or sad I just stepped away for a minute and when I returned the conversation had moved on. Great. I decided not to drink too much since that would probably cause a meltdown so I had 2 drinks and then left it at that.

We had a nice dinner with some old friends, we enjoyed good conversation and a fire outside. It was nice. One of the guests was a friend's new girlfriend. This was my first time meeting her.

After 2 of the couples had left I decided that I was tired and excused myself to go to bed. There was only D, his best friend and his wife (15 weeks pregnant) and the friend and the new girlfriend left. D's best friend and his wife know all about our issues. The other guy does not, I am very private about that aspect of my life.

So when I am done washing my face and brushing my teeth and all of that bedtime stuff I step outside the bathroom and I can hear the conversation going on outside "You know," says the friend "My sister had a miscarriage...."
My heart sank. I had left the group for 5 minutes and already they were talking about me?!?! I wanted to run outside and scream at D for allowing that to happen but instead I decided to not come off as a crazy person so I sent him a text from inside the house asking why the fuck were they talking about miscarriages?!?!?

Turns out that D and his best friend were having a private (how private can you get around a table with 3 other people?) and best friend asked how we were doing and how I was. Well instead of staying in her own conversation the friend's new girlfriend was listening in and started asking very personal and inappropriate questions. (including: 'which one of you has the problem? you or her?' to which D replied 'It is both of our problem')

The pregnant wife was very upset at the line of questioning and knew that I would not be happy with the conversation so she put it to a halt as soon as she could. But from what she told me this morning the girl kept pressing on with questions about exactly what our problem was and what not. D said he was trying to stop the conversation and be as vague as possible but it just wasn't happening.

So that is great. Now this complete stranger who I really do not see our friend being with for the long term knows all about our fertility problems and my miscarriage.

I wish I would have gone upstairs and yelled at her, problem is that it would have been really dramatic and horrible and certainly not how I wanted to start my holidays. Plus they were drunk so how productive is a conversation with a girl who weighs 100 pounds who has had 12 beer?? Probably not a lot.

I am remaining excited about this vacation though and putting that whole scenario behind me as best as I can.

Niagara Falls tomorrow......

Obsession x3 (update included)

So not only am I obsessing over my chart, which ff decided to give me 5 free days of VIP so I can obsess even harder.
I am also obsessing over the fact that we were supposed to hear about that job yesterday morning and it is now 3:12pm and I haven't heard anything yet. I am anxious and nervous about that and going over every little detail of the interview in my head.

PLUS I am also obsessing about my upcoming trip and running through everything that I need to do in my head before we leave on Friday morning.

I am exhausted. I slept like shit last night and I just tried to have a nap but someone called, normally I would ignore but when I saw that it was a private caller I was hoping it was the hospital about the job. Nope, it was a fucking telemarketer wanting to conduct a survey.

So now I am awake and obsessing.

Oh and I am also trying to talk myself out of testing tomorrow morning.

Good times.

***********UPDATE***********

And here is where I express my raw emotions.

I didn't get the job. They said they had to go with seniority on this. My first thought was who has more seniority than me? Then I remembered hearing a rumor that a full timer had applied. Of course she has every right to apply but it just makes me so frustrated, you have a full time job, let the rest of us have a  chance. I am bitter.

So I cried. I cried because I was really hopeful about getting the job. I cried because I was tired and cranky and emotional. I cried because I felt so worthless. I went to school and got a diploma in radio broadcasting, after a few years in the field I realized that it was not the career for me so I took a course in Phlebotomy (drawing blood) I loved working in the lab. After working there for a while someone who was sick came back to work and I got bumped down to only being guaranteed a shift and a half every 2 weeks. Who can live on that? So I got the second job at the registration desk. Then I started working like crazy, 18 days in a row, 10 days in a row. It became too much and I had to choose the job that gave me the most hours. So I left the lab and I miss it all the time.

After working for a while I decided to get my BA and then go to Teacher's College. We figured out how to do things so that I could still study, work and have a baby because we were TTC. But then I got pregnant and things were tight and since the baby was the #1 priority I decided to quit/postpone school for a while until things were better financially. Then I lost the baby.

So, that is why I cried. I cried because I have a worthless diploma, a part time job that I don't like, and I quit school for a baby that I don't have.

I felt rejected and worthless.

::sigh::

I just have to try and believe that maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe a better job will come available for me. Maybe a job in the Lab, I hope the manager is still working on getting some extra help there.

And in job related news

I have an "informal meeting" today regarding the full time job that I applied for in a different department in the hospital.

The HR lady said 'I don't want to call it an interview, it's just an informal meeting with myself and the manager of the department'

As far as I know, I am the person with the highest seniority who applied for the job so my fingers are very tightly crossed. It would be amazing to have full time pay, no evenings, no weekends, holidays off. Paid vacation, sick time.

Stay tuned...

Chart obsession and exhaustion

The chart still looks decent. My temp went up this morning but I don't know how much to trust it. Yesterday and today I woke up around 4:30ish. Since my alarm was set for 5:50 I wouldn't be getting enough sleep so I took my temp then.

Today it was higher than yesterday, and then for some stupid reason I took it again when I woke up at 5:50. I used the earlier one in my chart but the 5:50 was .1 degree higher. Tomorrow I should be able to sleep until 6 and take the temp at the normal time so I am trying not to get too excited about the small rise.

I am currently in the middle of doing 9 straight days of work. Some of the shifts were only 4 hour shifts so that helps a little but I am utterly exhausted! Thankfully I only have 2 shifts left after today and they are both short, afternoon shifts so I will be able to catch up on some sleep tomorrow morning.

Absolutely nothing exciting happening here, I just continue to obsess over my chart (and I was doing so well!) and working. Counting down the days to Niagara Falls, in 1 week from today we will arrive there!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And now my hopes are UP UP UP

So here's the thing. In 1 week from today D & I leave for our little summer vacation. Our first stop is to visit friends of ours, when we arrive on Friday we are having a BBQ with other friends from the area. There will be us + 3 other married couples and another male friend with his new girlfriend. I am excited for this. Here is the problem though. One of the wives is pregnant and about as far along as I should be, the other is also pregnant and we just found out. Of course I am happy for them and that alone is not the problem... the problem is that I should be expecting my period that day. I always have a mini meltdown on the day my period arrives, it's just what I do. Throw in a couple of pregnant ladies and it makes for an interesting combo.

So, I have been spending my time trying to prep myself for the heartache that I will be feeling. I will have my meltdown in private I just don't want it all to come pouring out of my eyes after a glass or 7 of wine. You know?

So today, someone pointed out to me: Hey! Your chart looks just like your chart did when you were pregnant! Ugly with flat temperatures. Why yes... yes it does.

So... for the first time since I had my miscarriage I went and looked at my chart from my December 15th cycle. I stared at it feeling an empty place in my heart and then I noticed... the flat temp from that cycle is the same flat temp from this cycle. Now don't get me wrong, I have flat temps every cycles but the only time I have had 5+ is now and when I was pregnant.

FUCK! I don't want another disappointment. I am trying to be realistic because I know this means nothing but my hopes shot way up today and I feel like this will cause an epic meltdown.

Maybe while we are in Niagara Falls I will cry right into the falls and make them that much more mighty!

Christ, I am a Debbie Downer lately.

D & D Love Story: Wedding plans part 1

All of my posts here have been on the negative whiny side lately so I guess it's time for a somewhat happy post.

When D & I got engaged I was so very happy. I had been waiting for this day for a long time and was excited to start planning the wedding. At first I wanted a June wedding but for reasons I don't want to get into now we switched the date to November and planned for a year long engagement.

As we started the early planning I wanted to get as much done as possible so that I wasn't running around like made just before the wedding. One of the first things on my list was to get a guest list from our parents. This included addresses and names of immediate family members to be invited and also a short list of friends they would like to have invited as well. I told them that if I had to make cuts that their friends would most likely be the first to go but I wanted to give them the option of having their own guests at our wedding.

I knew that D's mom would have a big mouth about all of my choices and I could foresee a few arguments and fights in the upcoming months but I thought I would start by giving her the benefit of the doubt and not making it an issue before it actually was one.

So one night we were over at his parents' house for dinner and I asked his mom for her guest list. SHe had already started voicing a few of her own opinions about who we should invite and what we should do, nothing overly major but just making herself heard.  I had an appointment that evening to donate blood so I left to go do that. When I returned she was as sweet as pie and kept saying "whatever you 2 want to do" and "if you need anything at all from me just let me know" and "it is YOUR day"

Wow, I thought, let's hope she stays this way.

Then on our way home D informs me that he had a little chat with her while I was gone. She was going on about something that we should be doing and D said "Mom! This is mine and Dee's wedding. We are going to do things that are best for us! You already had your wedding and got to make your plans, now it is our turn. We only plan on doing this once so we plan to do it our way. You are already being pushy with your advice and we've only been engaged for a week. If we want your advice or your help, we will ask you."

And that's when I fell in love with him a little more. He anticipated her pushiness and stepped in and stopped it before it started in order to make the process a lot smoother for me!

But he's a sneaky one too. He got me right where he wanted me, all mushy and in love and then he asked me to have his sister as a bridesmaid (which I had not planned on doing).

This picture doesn't really go with the story but I think it was the same fall that he proposed. 

A look into my childhood

This post will be a long ventish kind of post and I will not be surprised if nobody even bothers to read it but for my own sanity I am choosing to type it out and get it out of my head.

By no means did I have a horrible childhood. I was fed, clothed and I do have fun memories. I turned out well and I really can't complain about anything too serious. But by no means did I have a charmed childhood either. I spent a lot of time being the forgotten child. Being the youngest of 3 girls I think by the time they got to me my parents had already given out all of their love and attention to bother with me. My mom is not an affectionate person, if I ever wanted a hug or a kiss I had to initiate it. I rarely heard the words 'I love you' growing up and my parents both lacked a lot of patience and I spent a lot of my childhood walking on eggshells trying not to piss them off. Even to this day when my parents tell me they love me, it feels weird.

The oldest daughter, K, was the favorite. The sun rose and set on her and she could really do no wrong. Her and my mom were always really close and could talk about anything. She got the best birthday parties and was clearly the favorite. In a recent conversation about this she actually stated "I was so the favorite, I could do no wrong. I got pregnant as a teenager and I still could do no wrong" The fact that even she recognized this was assurance that this was not all in my head all of those years.

The second daughter, N, was a trouble maker and a daddy's girl. She was clearly my dad's favorite. She was the classic middle child, she never got along with anyone unless it suited her that day and she was constantly getting into trouble, either at school, with boys, outside of school, with my parents. She was always being disciplined and my parents were losing sleep worrying about her. She and my mom would get into horrible fights and it wouldn't even phase her one bit. Eventually she grew out of that stage (not until she was about 20 or 21).

Then there was me. The baby. I was an attention whore from the start, looking back on it now I see it's because after praising the first one and disciplining the next one there was not a whole lot of time to worry about the little one. I was constantly trying to get the attention of my parents and my older sisters, I looked up to them so much and just wanted approval from them. Things that stick with you as you grow older is never having your parents around. I only remember 1 school christmas concert that my parents attended in my whole life. Throughout grade school and high school they never attended a Christmas concert, a school play, special presentations in class, a volleyball game or a basketball game. While my parents went all out to throw birthday parties for K and N, I never EVER had one. Can you imagine a child not having a birthday party? Not even one.

I remember once asking my mom why my baby book was so empty. She replied "Well I was raising 3 small girls. I didn't really have time to fill in your baby book or take as many pictures of you. I had already been there and done that" I realize that a baby book and pictures are not as important as feeding me and caring for me but those are the kinds of things a person would like to have as an adult.

Then when I was 11 (almost 12) my teenager sister had a baby. They still lived at home with us and things in my life changed a little. The leftover attention that I DID get was directed to her along with a whole bunch more. I loved my niece so much, it was like having a little sister and she looked up to me so much and loved me. N took it all differently, she viewed the baby as an attack against her from K. Her and K would fight constantly. I recall several times when my niece was a toddler and I would have to swiftly grab her, put her in a room with some toys and close the door. Then I would come running out into the living room to break up the fight that had just broke out between K & N: something that should not be the youngest sister's job.

This post didn't go exactly where I was hoping for it to go. I guess I am starting to figure out who I am as a person, I am getting quite tired of being a pushover and allowing people to walk all over me. I am tired of walking on eggshells for my whole life just to try and keep everyone happy. Recent arguments with my sister and with my parents are starting to tell me that I should not beat myself up over little things. I spend too much time trying to be the nice guy in public while crying in private.

I must be PMSing or something.

Congratulations if you made it through this entire post. I know I am posting this whiny post with the chance of someone telling me to suck it up and get over it. I know they are millions and millions of people who had HORRIBLE childhoods but this is just my story and my feelings.

Rose colored glasses

Ahhh, being just a day or 2 post ovulation is a fun time. The sex was timed nicely and I get filled with this strange sense of hopefulness that THIS is the cycle. I begin imagining getting my BFP, I think about what plans we have coming up over the next few months and picture myself pregnant at these events. I imagine what it would be like to announce the news on the message board and to my family and friends.

Yes, viewing the next couple of weeks with rose colored glasses is fun. Then my period shows up or I get  BFN and all of those high hopes come crashing down and have nowhere to go except out my eyes.

Fun times.

Tomorrow begins a long week

Beginning tomorrow I will be working 7 days in a row. Thankfully 2 of those days will be just 4 hour shifts but still I will be working everyday from tomorrow-sunday.

Here is a weekend recap:

Friday night: ate popcorn and nachos and watched the hockey game with D and his friend. Said friend decided to stay overnight and I was feeling all shy and uncomfortable to have sex so I thought we would miss our window for this cycle. Then when I woke up on Saturday and saw my temp was down I woke D up. I decided that I didn't care if he heard the bed squeaking, this is MY house and we are trying to have a baby, if you don't like it take the 20 minute drive back to your own place!

Saturday: D was in a golf tournament so they left early in the morning. I spent the day online, doing laundry, tidying the house. Then my friend came over and I made homemade pizza and we played TV Bingo. Then we joined the guys at another friends place for some drinks. I got really intoxicated and today I feel like shit.

Since today is a lazy day and I am home alone I am just playing around online, relaxing, thinking about having a nap.


In other news: I have yet to speak with my sister. The latest drama in her life before the fight was that her husband wanted to get this puppy. They live in a teeny tiny basement apartment and don't even have a yard or anything. I don't think getting a puppy was a great idea and neither did she. But instead of speak to her and discuss it with her, my lovely brother in law told her that he didn't care what she said he was getting the puppy. He went out and bought a bunch of stuff for this dog without discussing it with her and after she said she thought it was a bad time to get a puppy. He just went behind her back and did it anyway.
So this morning I get a photo texted to me of this puppy. He won, as usual. My sister just sat back and let him have his way rather than discuss it like a real adult married couple. He just went ahead and got the dog.
I can't help but shake my head and after our fight the other day I really don't think I can bite my tongue anymore. I hope that things in their marriage are improving but I have such little respect for her husband that I am struggling with trying to be supportive.

I can't handle the stupidity that is my sister right now

I have been trying to keep my judgements to myself but after this fight I am letting it all out.

My sister who got married in December has an awful marriage. For the first couple of months of their marriage BIL was not working. He was drinking heavily, playing video games all day and really not trying to find a job. Because of this my sister had zero respect for him and they were stressed and fighting a lot. She said numerous times that she should have never married him.

So he finally got a job and things seemed to be getting a little better. But just as quickly as things started to improve they got worse too. He was still drinking and the fighting never really stopped. There were a few really bad fights where he packed his stuff and threatened to leave, he told her that he wasn't attracted to her anymore and that their marriage was a joke. She kept forgiving him and pretending like nothing happened. Time after time. He would verbally abuse her and say nasty, awful things to her and then he would just pretend like nothing happened the next day and she would just allow this to happen.

So then I find out that during all of this they were TTC the entire time. Because you know, bringing a baby into that mess is a great idea.

(that is the coles notes version of the entire mess)

So now we are on to today.

She informed me that her doctor is sending her for fertility testing.  (all of this is on facebook chat)

They have been trying and only married for 5 MONTHS!!

She said that she told him they have been trying since December and he said "well sometimes it takes time" then she said that he came back in and said "I will order some tests and just say that you have been trying for over a year"

I ABSOLUTELY LOST IT!

First I said "wow, what a good doctor" ***insert massive eyeroll***

I said that was a huge waste of health care dollars and that she is taking time away from people who actually need the tests. Then she asked me what my problem is. And I told her that she has been trying for a mere 5 MONTHS and that does not mean they are infertile. Then she had the nerve to say "I know it is hard for you and I am sorry" so I told her that was not why I was upset.

She said "You are acting like you are paying for this out of your pocket" Well no... but the government is and I hate to see our health care taken advantage of.

I told her that fertility testing is not fun then before I said something about my feelings on her marriage I decided that I should end the conversation. So I took the very mature approach, told her to fuck off and logged off.

Then when I got home and had dinner and started to settle down I went back on facebook to find a message basically blaming my own Trouble TTC on my emotional reaction to this news, this infuriated me even more. She told me I had no right to judge her.


There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to make sure that everything is ok. I am not going to apologize for that...and you shouldn't expect me to. You are my sister and you should support my decisions. What if there is something wrong...and I wait for a year or two - then what?
You don't get to judge me, or my doctors choices.

Taking such a negative stance on this, when it in no way affects you makes me sick to my stomach. I have every right to ask the questions and to get the tests to make sure that there won't be any problems. And you have no right to treat me that way or be nasty to me...I don't deserve it.

So here is what I responded (the condensed version):

You have no right to try and tell me that you get what I have been through and what I am going through and you have no right to think that that is why I am upset.

I hope you enjoy the testing, it is awful. Especially when there actually is a reason for it and when something is wrong.

Don't you dare for one second think that I am upset about this because of the struggles that I have been through. You have NO IDEA what I have been through and don't you dare bring any of it up to me or try to blame my being upset on it. 

If there was something wrong and you did have to wait a year or 2 to find that out... you know what that would be???

EVERY OTHER PERSON WHO HAS FERTILITY ISSUES!!! EVERY SINGLE ONE. I don't know who you think you are that makes you special enough to get special treatment.

I don't think you should be jumping to testing so quickly, I think it is selfish and a waste of government money and it is taking away from people who actually need it. Obviously we don't agree on that. but don't you dare ever think that this has to do with my own fertility struggles and blame it on that.

I just don't know what else to say. This has been an extremely long blog post and I could go on and on. Maybe I am overreacting but I am not just going to bite my tongue while she acts so selfishly and irresponsibly. She thinks that because she has had cervical cancer in the past that she should get special treatment.

Yes, cervical cancer is an awful thing to have. I, myself, have had a LEEP biopsy in the past. But honestly, if her doctor thought that this would cause problems for her in the TTC department then he would not have told her that he would lie about the amount of time that she has been TTC in order to get her testing and he would have said "You know, with your history I think it is wise that we do some testing sooner than later." and I would have accepted that.

I am such a drama queen sometimes.

So lately I have been feeling a bit discouraged about TTC and my 1 good tube. So much so that when someone says "all you need is one tube!!" like as if it's a great thing I get upset. I know I only need 1 tube but that 1 tube isn't fucking cooperating alright?!?!?!?!?!?!  Aaaannd breathe.

So last night I started thinking about how we are entering the fertile window of my cycle and there is a bunch of shit happening this weekend that will cause great sex obstacles.

1- D is golfing in a tournament with his friends. He will be gone all day and night and even if he does get home at a decent hour he will be drunk and I am not that interested in having sex with a sloppy drunk.

2- D's friend is coming from OOT and will be staying with us.

So in the midst of me thinking that our sex will be poorly timed (if we are able to even have it at all) I decided that maybe we should take a break this cycle. I am feeling discouraged and sad and think 'what the hell? It's not like I am going to get pregnant anyway? What makes this cycle so much different from the others?

DRAMA QUEEN!!!!!!

When I came back to being rational I realized that we can have sex wednesday, thursday and friday. We can take Saturday off if need be and then Sunday after golf we can have more sex. So really we are only skipping 1 day and that can be a good thing.

Glad I was able to talk myself down from that mess.

DDDRRRAAAMMMAAAAA

Being happy and sad all at the same time

Whenever I hear about a new pregnancy, a little spark of jealousy forms in the pit of my stomach. There are certain exceptions to this rule. Like just yesterday, a woman who I have been hoping and wishing would get her BFP finally got it!! There was not one spark of jealousy in my happiness for her, she has had a long and touch battle to get here and I couldn't be happier for her.

Then there are cases of amazing people getting pregnant and I know I am happy for them, and I know they will be great parents but I get that hint of selfish jealousy. That is the worst part of having trouble TTC, that selfishness that forms in you when you are normally not a selfish person.

Then there are the cases where a crack head gets pregnant and doesn't know who the baby daddy is and still continues to smoke, do drugs, drink and still gives birth to a healthy child. There is no happiness there, all anger and pity for that poor child.


Last night I experienced a first in the happy for you but sad for me department. D's best friend called, they chatted for a while and then he informed him that his wife is pregnant. My first reaction was excitement and I yelled "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" They are wonderful people, they will be amazing parents and I am so truly happy for them. But as D continued to talk with him, a lump in my throat grew bigger and bigger until tears started welling up in my eyes.

D got off the phone and asked me if I was OK. I said yes and went to un-pause the movie we were watching. Then I said "I am really, truly happy for them" and the tears started pouring out of my eyes. It was essentially the same scene from Julie & Julia when Julia finds out her sister is pregnant.

D just held me and said "It's okay to be happy for them but sad for us."

That is not me. I am not that person. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself at that moment, which made me cry even more. It is a whole new feeling for me to deal with and I know I am not the only one who feels this way or who does this and I know it is OK to feel this way. I really am happy for them and I look forward to buying little gifts for the baby.

So now I have a new feeling to deal with. I am glad that they called to tell us over the phone and not wait until we got there in 3 weeks to tell us in person...THAT would have been shameful and embarrassing for me to cry right in front of them.

D & D Love Story: Adopting Roxy

I skipped a very very very important part in the story of us. This is how Roxy came into our lives.

We have to back it up a little bit for this one.

We were both still living at home with our parents. I was working at the radio station full time and there is this segment that we do called "Swap Shop" where people can have their items to buy or sell on the radio for a day.

One day I got a phone call in the studio from someone who wanted to list something so I took down all of the information about this 4 month old dog who needed a good home. I knew that I would be moving out of my parents house within a few months so I told the person that I was interested in the dog and made arrangements to come and see her and I never read the information on the air.

That evening I spent a long while convincing my dad to let me get a dog. Since I was still living under their roof I had to clear it with him first. I made up a lie that the people would be putting her down if she wasn't adopted and I just couldn't let that happen. Finally, he gave in!

So the following day I went to meet this dog. I arrived at the very shady house and the woman came out and spoke with me for a while and then called out "Melissa.......Roxanne....come here!" I was assuming that she was calling her daughter and the dog (I knew that the dog was Roxanne) First dog to come running around the corner was not how I pictured her at all and my initial reaction was I don't want that dog. Then the woman informed me that that was Melissa....phew.

Suddenly the sweetest little dog I have ever laid eyes on came tearing around the corner. 'There's Roxanne' she said. I crouched down to the ground and put my arms out and she ran right for me and jumped in my arms! It was love at first sight. "Wow!!" said the woman "4 other people have come to look at her and she wouldn't go near any of them"

As I sat there and pet her and held her, the woman's significant other came out, he was a mean looking, hard-ass type of guy who told his kid to shut up because she was crying about having to give Roxanne away.

Later that evening, after work I returned to Shady Acres to take Roxanne away. It was pouring rain and even though every light was on in the house and the door was open, nobody was home. Roxanne was laying in the porch with Melissa so I scooped her up in my arms and got the hell out of there.

I shortened her name to Roxy and we have been together ever since. Her behavior for the first little while suggested to me that she was abused before I got her. She was very timid and afraid of men for a long time. Her coat was kind of coarse and greasy but after about a week with me she became a lot happier and her coat is still shiny and soft.

I know that Roxy & I were meant to be from the moment that she jumped into my arms.