And now my hopes are UP UP UP

So here's the thing. In 1 week from today D & I leave for our little summer vacation. Our first stop is to visit friends of ours, when we arrive on Friday we are having a BBQ with other friends from the area. There will be us + 3 other married couples and another male friend with his new girlfriend. I am excited for this. Here is the problem though. One of the wives is pregnant and about as far along as I should be, the other is also pregnant and we just found out. Of course I am happy for them and that alone is not the problem... the problem is that I should be expecting my period that day. I always have a mini meltdown on the day my period arrives, it's just what I do. Throw in a couple of pregnant ladies and it makes for an interesting combo.

So, I have been spending my time trying to prep myself for the heartache that I will be feeling. I will have my meltdown in private I just don't want it all to come pouring out of my eyes after a glass or 7 of wine. You know?

So today, someone pointed out to me: Hey! Your chart looks just like your chart did when you were pregnant! Ugly with flat temperatures. Why yes... yes it does.

So... for the first time since I had my miscarriage I went and looked at my chart from my December 15th cycle. I stared at it feeling an empty place in my heart and then I noticed... the flat temp from that cycle is the same flat temp from this cycle. Now don't get me wrong, I have flat temps every cycles but the only time I have had 5+ is now and when I was pregnant.

FUCK! I don't want another disappointment. I am trying to be realistic because I know this means nothing but my hopes shot way up today and I feel like this will cause an epic meltdown.

Maybe while we are in Niagara Falls I will cry right into the falls and make them that much more mighty!

Christ, I am a Debbie Downer lately.