So, I stopped charting. Pretty much the second that my period showed up. Pretty much the second that I learned that we will be taking the IVF route. I stopped. The obsessing, the early morning temping, tracking CM, timing sex perfectly. I stopped.
The problem? While I stopped all of the little stresses and annoyances, I also stopped knowing and with that brings its own breed of hopefulness. As much as I say I stopped obsessing, I still know on which cycle day we had sex. Even if I don't know if I was ovulating and even if I don't remember was my CM was like that day, there is still the chance for a miracle.
The miracle happened once for us and we now know just how much of a miracle that was but it still means that a miracle could happen again. It would be great and wonderful is the miracle did happen again.
Am I getting my hopes up? No. Ok, I am trying not to. I know it is possible but not very probable.
Would I rather get pregnant naturally and then take the IVF money and go on a tropical vacation with our friends when they go in February and go shopping for some much needed clothes? Yes. Would I rather continue our old routine of eating out on Friday evenings? Yes. Would I rather not pinch every single extra penny? Yes. Would I rather not stress about money and get overwhelmed when something unexpected comes up? Absolutely.
But would I trade the chance for a baby for any of that? NO!
So here I sit at CD27 with no knowledge of when I ovulated and no knowledge of how many DPO I am. And also with a rush to get some CD 1-3 bloodwork done before my appointment on Thursday. So, AF can show anytime. Though I am sure that she is planning to fuck with me, as usual.
Seeing Dr. L again in 1 week.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
More random musings
Considering that 'Random Musings' is right there in the title of my blog, I never do these posts enough. I will admit that my blog has become endless posts of me whining or talking about stupid and unimportant things. This post will be no different. (well, I don't plan on whining)
I am not sure how these things pop in my head, my mind is a very trick and bizarre place and (not so) luckily for you, I randomly give a glimpse into this strange world once in a while. My train of thought is quite fascinating when you break it down. ::snort::
As I was falling asleep the other night I was thinking about a friend of mine who just had a hystserectomy (before you gasp, she is a friend in her 40s and already has 2 teenage children) she had a few complications post-op and had to go back in for more surgery because in the 9 weeks after her surgery she developed a huge cyst on her left ovary and I mean HUGE.
So I was thinking of her and my mind wandered to my own laparoscopy and how much air was floating around in my body hurting me. Then I thought how great that would have been to just have been able to fart that air out. Then I thought, farts are funny! I wonder if you ever lose that 12-year-old in you and stop thinking that farts are funny?
Then it hit me. When a person is sedated and undergoing surgery, they probably fart! Do the doctors and nurses laugh at this every time? Then of course I started imagning all of the different scenarios. Loud farts, silent stinkers, loud and stinky, high pitched sounding ones, wet sounding ones, and long drawn out ones.
I have a doctor friend, I am going to ask her this. I know she still thinks farts are funny!
I am not sure how these things pop in my head, my mind is a very trick and bizarre place and (not so) luckily for you, I randomly give a glimpse into this strange world once in a while. My train of thought is quite fascinating when you break it down. ::snort::
As I was falling asleep the other night I was thinking about a friend of mine who just had a hystserectomy (before you gasp, she is a friend in her 40s and already has 2 teenage children) she had a few complications post-op and had to go back in for more surgery because in the 9 weeks after her surgery she developed a huge cyst on her left ovary and I mean HUGE.
So I was thinking of her and my mind wandered to my own laparoscopy and how much air was floating around in my body hurting me. Then I thought how great that would have been to just have been able to fart that air out. Then I thought, farts are funny! I wonder if you ever lose that 12-year-old in you and stop thinking that farts are funny?
Then it hit me. When a person is sedated and undergoing surgery, they probably fart! Do the doctors and nurses laugh at this every time? Then of course I started imagning all of the different scenarios. Loud farts, silent stinkers, loud and stinky, high pitched sounding ones, wet sounding ones, and long drawn out ones.
I have a doctor friend, I am going to ask her this. I know she still thinks farts are funny!
Monday, September 27, 2010
There are no words
For some moments in life there are no words. ~David Seltzer
No words to describe my extreme sadness for TW. She had to give birth to her son only get a few hours with him before he was taken from her life.
He remains in her heart with his big sister but that is not enough.
There are no words.
I keep TW and T in my heart and hope they can lean on each other and find the strength to go through the impossible again.
For Matthew & Katie
If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown
No words to describe my extreme sadness for TW. She had to give birth to her son only get a few hours with him before he was taken from her life.
He remains in her heart with his big sister but that is not enough.
There are no words.
I keep TW and T in my heart and hope they can lean on each other and find the strength to go through the impossible again.
For Matthew & Katie
If tears could build a stairway,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Busy weekend, relaxing weekend
Here is a quick recap of my weekend.
Friday night we hosted a Game Night with friends. We were supposed to be 8 but ended up as 6 and that was fine. We played Cranium, Balderdash and this fun Question game. Throughout the 3 games I drank a bottle of wine and had about 4 martinis that I created that were essentially vodka and grape Sour Puss. YUMMM
Saturday morning we headed to the cottage for the night with D's cousin. They went hunting while I stayed at the cottage with the dogs, had a nap, read my book and played video games.
Today was the ceremony to rest Uncle Steve's ashes. It was a nice ceremony and a nice lunch. A very sad day though, again.
I also changed my email address and when I switched in on blogger I lost all of the blogs that I follow!! I got some of them back but not all of them so please comment on this blog with your blog address so that I can re-add you to my list.
xo
Friday night we hosted a Game Night with friends. We were supposed to be 8 but ended up as 6 and that was fine. We played Cranium, Balderdash and this fun Question game. Throughout the 3 games I drank a bottle of wine and had about 4 martinis that I created that were essentially vodka and grape Sour Puss. YUMMM
Saturday morning we headed to the cottage for the night with D's cousin. They went hunting while I stayed at the cottage with the dogs, had a nap, read my book and played video games.
Today was the ceremony to rest Uncle Steve's ashes. It was a nice ceremony and a nice lunch. A very sad day though, again.
I also changed my email address and when I switched in on blogger I lost all of the blogs that I follow!! I got some of them back but not all of them so please comment on this blog with your blog address so that I can re-add you to my list.
xo
Thursday, September 23, 2010
D's birthday
Yesterday was D's 28th birthday. For one month and 7 days, we are the same age. But after that time passes, I jump up a year and am officially older. What was I thinking marrying a younger man? I am going to hit all of the milestones first. 30, 40, 50. GAH!
Anyway, back to the birthday.
Since we are saving every extra penny we have for IVF, we decided there would be no gifts this year. So I made D his favorite. Veal parmesan and fettucine alfredo. (I had a big salad and it was delicious) so when he got home from work at 7, his dinner was ready to go. Then his parents and my mom came over for cake.
I baked.
For those who don't know. I am a horrible baker. I do not bake. It's so bad that I had to borrow cake pans from my MIL because I don't even own any. Seriously. I do. not. bake. But I made the attempt. I didn't burn it and it didn't stick to the pan. YAY! D wanted a 2 layer cake because he likes where there is frosting in the middle. So I took it up a notch and added caramel and mini rolos to the middle and frosted the rest. That was a mess. It was not pretty. I broke off some of the cake while I was frosting it (with a spoon cause I don't even own one of those frosting spreader tool things). It wasn't pretty but it was delicious. And in the end that is all that matters.
And then for the gift portion of the evening. As I said, we decided not to buy gifts but I though I would do something for D. So before he got home from work, I took a couple of *ahem* pictures of myself. After the guests left, I emailed the pictures to D with a note that said "Happy Birthday, come and find me. Love Dee." Then I put the laptop on the table in front of the couch with a note on it that said 'Check your email' and then I went upstairs to light some candles, put on some lingerie and wait for him.
Well at that moment, D decided to return a phone call from his cousin/friend. So he saw the note and checked him email while he was on the phone!!! He was so shocked and he spent the next 5 minutes trying to rush his cousin off the phone.
Despite the little mishap, it worked like charm.
Twice.
And here are the pictures I sent him:
HAHAHAH YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!
Anyway, back to the birthday.
Since we are saving every extra penny we have for IVF, we decided there would be no gifts this year. So I made D his favorite. Veal parmesan and fettucine alfredo. (I had a big salad and it was delicious) so when he got home from work at 7, his dinner was ready to go. Then his parents and my mom came over for cake.
I baked.
For those who don't know. I am a horrible baker. I do not bake. It's so bad that I had to borrow cake pans from my MIL because I don't even own any. Seriously. I do. not. bake. But I made the attempt. I didn't burn it and it didn't stick to the pan. YAY! D wanted a 2 layer cake because he likes where there is frosting in the middle. So I took it up a notch and added caramel and mini rolos to the middle and frosted the rest. That was a mess. It was not pretty. I broke off some of the cake while I was frosting it (with a spoon cause I don't even own one of those frosting spreader tool things). It wasn't pretty but it was delicious. And in the end that is all that matters.
And then for the gift portion of the evening. As I said, we decided not to buy gifts but I though I would do something for D. So before he got home from work, I took a couple of *ahem* pictures of myself. After the guests left, I emailed the pictures to D with a note that said "Happy Birthday, come and find me. Love Dee." Then I put the laptop on the table in front of the couch with a note on it that said 'Check your email' and then I went upstairs to light some candles, put on some lingerie and wait for him.
Well at that moment, D decided to return a phone call from his cousin/friend. So he saw the note and checked him email while he was on the phone!!! He was so shocked and he spent the next 5 minutes trying to rush his cousin off the phone.
Despite the little mishap, it worked like charm.
Twice.
And here are the pictures I sent him:
HAHAHAH YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Today
Today is not anything what it is supposed to be.
I have been dreading this day for months and now that it's here I want it to be gone. My heart breaks for so many different reasons today.
TW & baby.
My friend who just had surgery found out there was a huge mass and she has to go back under tomorrow and she is so upset and worried.
A former close friend of mine (who is now more of a distant friend/acquaintance)'s father is dying.
And of course, my tiny apple seed sized baby. DJ. Today was my EDD. Yes, I know that the chances of actually delivering on your EDD are slim and yes I know that date probably would have changed had I made it to my first appointment or ultrasound but this is the date that I know.
My heart breaks today for a what should be and what isn't. I made it through the day at work and now I am wrapped up in my Snuggie on my couch and plan to stay here for a while.
I have been dreading this day for months and now that it's here I want it to be gone. My heart breaks for so many different reasons today.
TW & baby.
My friend who just had surgery found out there was a huge mass and she has to go back under tomorrow and she is so upset and worried.
A former close friend of mine (who is now more of a distant friend/acquaintance)'s father is dying.
And of course, my tiny apple seed sized baby. DJ. Today was my EDD. Yes, I know that the chances of actually delivering on your EDD are slim and yes I know that date probably would have changed had I made it to my first appointment or ultrasound but this is the date that I know.
My heart breaks today for a what should be and what isn't. I made it through the day at work and now I am wrapped up in my Snuggie on my couch and plan to stay here for a while.
Hold on
I just got word of a dear sweet woman who is going through a hard and stressful time. Hold on little tiny baby, you fight to stay baking until your mama is ready for you to come and meet the world as a healthy, full grown baby boy.
And TW, hold on to every glimmer of hope there is. There are so many of us thinking of you and sending positive thoughts (and prayers) your way.
Hold on. Hold on tightly.
And TW, hold on to every glimmer of hope there is. There are so many of us thinking of you and sending positive thoughts (and prayers) your way.
Hold on. Hold on tightly.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I ran 10K today
I, of course have my 5K CIBC Run for the Cure in 2 weeks but today I decided to do the Terry Fox Run which is 10K. I tried it last year to see if I could and I was able to so I wanted to do it again this year.
Since I am already collecting money for my Run for the Cure, I did not collect pledges for this run, I mean there is only so much you can ask from people. So I give a personal donation and I do the run.
I feel great! I was able to run the whole thing except for a small break that I took and walked for about 4-5 minutes while I drank some water and let my heart rate settle down. But then I picked it back up and had a great run.
I am very proud of myself and like I said, I feel great. My whole body is thanking me for a great workout and plus I love running, it is very addicting.
It would have been very easy for me to not do the run. Friends were having some drinks together last night and I very well could have said "Aw, screw it! I work out during the week and I deserve this night of fun" but I really wanted to do the run and I have been working much to hard to ingest a bunch of empty calories. Plus, since I am not in a great place emotionally I decided to lay off the drinks, alcohol is a depressant and I really don't need that.
Sadly though, I had to have 1 beer in front of everyone just to avoid the potential of anyone wondering if I am pregnant. My friends know what we are going through but there is always that little suspicion because my friends and I like to party and for someone to lay low for a night is sometimes fishy. LOL
Anyway, I am tooting my own horn here by talking about the run I did, but I am proud of myself.
Since I am already collecting money for my Run for the Cure, I did not collect pledges for this run, I mean there is only so much you can ask from people. So I give a personal donation and I do the run.
I feel great! I was able to run the whole thing except for a small break that I took and walked for about 4-5 minutes while I drank some water and let my heart rate settle down. But then I picked it back up and had a great run.
I am very proud of myself and like I said, I feel great. My whole body is thanking me for a great workout and plus I love running, it is very addicting.
It would have been very easy for me to not do the run. Friends were having some drinks together last night and I very well could have said "Aw, screw it! I work out during the week and I deserve this night of fun" but I really wanted to do the run and I have been working much to hard to ingest a bunch of empty calories. Plus, since I am not in a great place emotionally I decided to lay off the drinks, alcohol is a depressant and I really don't need that.
Sadly though, I had to have 1 beer in front of everyone just to avoid the potential of anyone wondering if I am pregnant. My friends know what we are going through but there is always that little suspicion because my friends and I like to party and for someone to lay low for a night is sometimes fishy. LOL
Anyway, I am tooting my own horn here by talking about the run I did, but I am proud of myself.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Fall
Today after work I had an amazing workout. AMAZING! I worked really hard and I am sure I will feel it tomorrow. I love that.
Ten as I left the gym and was walking to the parking lot, I smelled fall. I took a few big inhales and took it all in and then it hit me. Fall is very very close. Here in Northern Ontario, the weather is getting cooler, the leaves are starting to change and fall and you can smell it. Weather wise, summer is my favorite time of the year but for every other reason I love Fall. It is so pretty, It's nice to cozy up in blankets and sweaters and it is a perfect time for picnics.
Here are some pictures I have taken from adventures in the Fall. Of course, keep in mind that I am no photographer and take pictures with my cheap little digital camera
I thought I had some better fall pictures. Hmmm Apparently not.
Ten as I left the gym and was walking to the parking lot, I smelled fall. I took a few big inhales and took it all in and then it hit me. Fall is very very close. Here in Northern Ontario, the weather is getting cooler, the leaves are starting to change and fall and you can smell it. Weather wise, summer is my favorite time of the year but for every other reason I love Fall. It is so pretty, It's nice to cozy up in blankets and sweaters and it is a perfect time for picnics.
Here are some pictures I have taken from adventures in the Fall. Of course, keep in mind that I am no photographer and take pictures with my cheap little digital camera
I thought I had some better fall pictures. Hmmm Apparently not.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Important discussions
There is no better time to have important discussion than when I am in a vehicle with D, on a highway trip.
On the way back from my sister's house yesterday we had 2 major discussions. The first being our IVF. After a meeting with the bank last week on something we have been working on for quite some time. This was a final meeting. At the meeting he discovered that there is a bunch of money leftover. enough money to do IVF now. We were trying to pick a date when we could save for it and havd lined up some other options but now we don't have to wait. So we decided that when we see Dr. L on October 7th, we will tell him that we are ready to get the ball rolling.
As I do research on the process and timeline of IVF I have meltdown after meltdown. It is all very overwhleming and just makes me realize how long I will have to wait. I am so sick of waiting and so ready to move on. I think the worst part lately is that I am really thinking about where I should be right now. My EDD is 1 week from today and dealing with that is pretty emotionally draining for me.
I recently read someone talking about girls on BOTB and how it is so stupid that they dwell on their miscarriages. This person called us dickheads, actually. Well I am a dickhead then. I am proud to be a dickhead. Maybe to other people my early miscarriage meant nothing, but for a short time I was pregnant and I was dreaming about a baby that I would be delivering and to me that baby was REAL and I loved that baby very very much. So call me whatever name you like, I don't care.
The other part of our discussion was the potential move to a different town. I am 100% ready to leave the town we are in, I have been for a while. Since I graduated from college and started my career, I knew it was wrong. I know there was something else meant for me but I didn't know what that thing was. One thing that I really loved doing was working in the Laboratory, taking blood samples from patients. I loved it. And now there is an opportunity coming up for me to be able to do this full time in a town that I have always wanted to live in.
D is not as enthusiastic. He is very afraid of change and he is very happy in the life that he lives. And I, of course, don't blame him. He has worked in his career for 8 years and has climbed the ladder to a full time job, he has seniority, benefits and loves what he does. He is afraid to move and start over. He actually used the words "career suicide" I quickly told him that he was not an old man thinking about making this change, he is (almost) 28 years old and has plenty of time to climb the ladder again.
So we will cross that bridge when we get to it and it will be a decision of whether or not we want to sell our house and move completely to the other city and D wouLd make the decision to come home for his shifts. Or if we want to keep this town as our main base and I would get an apartment and come home on the weekends. I am hoping that D will make the decision to come back for his shifts while he applies for a job in that city and waits.
Lots of big discussions made.
I am very anxious and excited to hear from the girl I interviewed with, she was awesome and I really felt great after the interview. I am anxious to get word about the full time job coming up. In my dreams she will call me and offer me the full time job that starts in January. It's fun to dream.
On the way back from my sister's house yesterday we had 2 major discussions. The first being our IVF. After a meeting with the bank last week on something we have been working on for quite some time. This was a final meeting. At the meeting he discovered that there is a bunch of money leftover. enough money to do IVF now. We were trying to pick a date when we could save for it and havd lined up some other options but now we don't have to wait. So we decided that when we see Dr. L on October 7th, we will tell him that we are ready to get the ball rolling.
As I do research on the process and timeline of IVF I have meltdown after meltdown. It is all very overwhleming and just makes me realize how long I will have to wait. I am so sick of waiting and so ready to move on. I think the worst part lately is that I am really thinking about where I should be right now. My EDD is 1 week from today and dealing with that is pretty emotionally draining for me.
I recently read someone talking about girls on BOTB and how it is so stupid that they dwell on their miscarriages. This person called us dickheads, actually. Well I am a dickhead then. I am proud to be a dickhead. Maybe to other people my early miscarriage meant nothing, but for a short time I was pregnant and I was dreaming about a baby that I would be delivering and to me that baby was REAL and I loved that baby very very much. So call me whatever name you like, I don't care.
The other part of our discussion was the potential move to a different town. I am 100% ready to leave the town we are in, I have been for a while. Since I graduated from college and started my career, I knew it was wrong. I know there was something else meant for me but I didn't know what that thing was. One thing that I really loved doing was working in the Laboratory, taking blood samples from patients. I loved it. And now there is an opportunity coming up for me to be able to do this full time in a town that I have always wanted to live in.
D is not as enthusiastic. He is very afraid of change and he is very happy in the life that he lives. And I, of course, don't blame him. He has worked in his career for 8 years and has climbed the ladder to a full time job, he has seniority, benefits and loves what he does. He is afraid to move and start over. He actually used the words "career suicide" I quickly told him that he was not an old man thinking about making this change, he is (almost) 28 years old and has plenty of time to climb the ladder again.
So we will cross that bridge when we get to it and it will be a decision of whether or not we want to sell our house and move completely to the other city and D wouLd make the decision to come home for his shifts. Or if we want to keep this town as our main base and I would get an apartment and come home on the weekends. I am hoping that D will make the decision to come back for his shifts while he applies for a job in that city and waits.
Lots of big discussions made.
I am very anxious and excited to hear from the girl I interviewed with, she was awesome and I really felt great after the interview. I am anxious to get word about the full time job coming up. In my dreams she will call me and offer me the full time job that starts in January. It's fun to dream.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Something to share
A blog that I love is 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility.
The posts range from funny, to heartbreaking, to motivating and uplifting.
I love today's post "You are more than your Infertility" so I thought I would share: Click me
A longer blog post to come, I promise.
The posts range from funny, to heartbreaking, to motivating and uplifting.
I love today's post "You are more than your Infertility" so I thought I would share: Click me
A longer blog post to come, I promise.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I hate interviews
I really do hate interviews. I always leave never knowing how it went. I may think it went well but I never know if I answered the questions to what they were looking for and I always leave with a good but uneasy feeling.
But not today!!!
Today I rocked the shit out of my interview!! Sorry to sound so vulgar.
The interviewer and I totally clicked and I was at ease immediately. I felt comfortable answering the questions and only fumbled and felt weird once(ish). She was smiling and nodding while writing as if to say 'that's exactly what I wanted to hear' and afterwards we got to talking about her and where she was from so we clicked so much that we actually chatted for a while which was really cool.
Then she noticed where I went to College and said did you like it there? I told her that I loved that city and missed living there. And she said oh really? And she went on to tell me about a few different opportunities in that city and that she thinks I would be a really great asset to the company and that I should keep my eyes peeled for those opportunities whether I got this job that I interviewed for today or not. She said that either way she would be keeping my resume and will be contacting me when those jobs become available!!
I was so excited. I have been looking for jobs in that city forever and have always wanted to move back there. If this full time opportunity is good then it would be a ticket to move there!
D is not so excited. He likes living here and he has a good job with seniority and if we moved he would have to start back at the bottom. We will cross that bridge if and when we get to it but for now, I am super excited about how well everything went today!!!
But not today!!!
Today I rocked the shit out of my interview!! Sorry to sound so vulgar.
The interviewer and I totally clicked and I was at ease immediately. I felt comfortable answering the questions and only fumbled and felt weird once(ish). She was smiling and nodding while writing as if to say 'that's exactly what I wanted to hear' and afterwards we got to talking about her and where she was from so we clicked so much that we actually chatted for a while which was really cool.
Then she noticed where I went to College and said did you like it there? I told her that I loved that city and missed living there. And she said oh really? And she went on to tell me about a few different opportunities in that city and that she thinks I would be a really great asset to the company and that I should keep my eyes peeled for those opportunities whether I got this job that I interviewed for today or not. She said that either way she would be keeping my resume and will be contacting me when those jobs become available!!
I was so excited. I have been looking for jobs in that city forever and have always wanted to move back there. If this full time opportunity is good then it would be a ticket to move there!
D is not so excited. He likes living here and he has a good job with seniority and if we moved he would have to start back at the bottom. We will cross that bridge if and when we get to it but for now, I am super excited about how well everything went today!!!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
I lost my virginity today
I would like to introduce you all to my new boyfriend. I am ashamed to say that I put out and didn't even get a meal.
Yep, there you have it. Today I had my first transvaginal ultrasound. Well, I got my period on Saturday and was supposed to get my ultrasound done on CD 3-5. Today was day 4. So of course I was still bleeding. And of course, I work at the hospital and so I know everyone who works in the Diagnostic Imaging department.
So I am told that they can do it today at 1:30. Wonderful. Who is doing the test? My friend. AWESOME. Fuck, I was hoping for anyone but her. It's weird that you would feel different if it was a stranger.
So test time came. My friend was great. She was very professional and friendly. She made me feel really comfortable and I was very surprised at how easy the test was. She covered me with a blanket and she told me to insert my new boyfriend myself and then she just guided my new boyfriend from under the blanket. I was happy about that.
A bit of discomfort but not too bad overall. And thankfully, I did not bleed all over the sheets and towels as I had feared.
Yep, there you have it. Today I had my first transvaginal ultrasound. Well, I got my period on Saturday and was supposed to get my ultrasound done on CD 3-5. Today was day 4. So of course I was still bleeding. And of course, I work at the hospital and so I know everyone who works in the Diagnostic Imaging department.
So I am told that they can do it today at 1:30. Wonderful. Who is doing the test? My friend. AWESOME. Fuck, I was hoping for anyone but her. It's weird that you would feel different if it was a stranger.
So test time came. My friend was great. She was very professional and friendly. She made me feel really comfortable and I was very surprised at how easy the test was. She covered me with a blanket and she told me to insert my new boyfriend myself and then she just guided my new boyfriend from under the blanket. I was happy about that.
A bit of discomfort but not too bad overall. And thankfully, I did not bleed all over the sheets and towels as I had feared.
Monday, September 6, 2010
A garage sale and emotions
In an effort to partially de-clutter my life a bit I decided to have a garage sale.
Yesterday I went through the storage areas in the house (a small storage space and the 2 spare bedrooms) and gathered up the things that I could sell.
Along the way I came across my pregnancy bag, stored away where I never had to look at it. I grabbed the stupid thing, threw it at D and told him to give all the shit away for free.
It contains 2 maternity cover-ups (the ebay seller accidentally sent 2) that I bought in hopes of being pregnant for my trip to Cuba last December. It also contains my copy of WTEWYE, some tiny onesies that I bought with the thought of announcing a pregnancy that way, a Congratulations gift from my BFF when I got my BFP, some maternity clothes (2-3 shirts) that I ordered on ebay when I was about 5 minutes pregnant and that incidentally came AFTER the miscarriage.
I hate that bag. I hoped to one day open it again with a huge smile but that bag just sits at the bottom of the spare room closet mocking me. I want it gone.
Yesterday I went through the storage areas in the house (a small storage space and the 2 spare bedrooms) and gathered up the things that I could sell.
Along the way I came across my pregnancy bag, stored away where I never had to look at it. I grabbed the stupid thing, threw it at D and told him to give all the shit away for free.
It contains 2 maternity cover-ups (the ebay seller accidentally sent 2) that I bought in hopes of being pregnant for my trip to Cuba last December. It also contains my copy of WTEWYE, some tiny onesies that I bought with the thought of announcing a pregnancy that way, a Congratulations gift from my BFF when I got my BFP, some maternity clothes (2-3 shirts) that I ordered on ebay when I was about 5 minutes pregnant and that incidentally came AFTER the miscarriage.
I hate that bag. I hoped to one day open it again with a huge smile but that bag just sits at the bottom of the spare room closet mocking me. I want it gone.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A second opinion? No.
In short that title describes this blog post. Over the past couple of days I have heard from a few people who have suggested that I get a second opinion. I decided to address this here. If you have been thinking it or if you said it then here is your (long) answer.
I am C&Ping a lot of this from a couple of private online conversations that I had because I am kind of sick of typing and retyping it.
So here goes:
I already feel confused about my T-TTC status because I was able to get pregnant once. Yes, I realize that was a miracle (as all pregnancies are in my mind) but we do have trouble and we do have issues. If we didn't, the RE would not have agreed to see us, right? If we didn't then I would have a baby or at least a pregnancy by now, right?
Dr. L is a very smart doctor and I found that he was very honest with us. Yes, we could try IUI or something else but he doesn't feel that will optimize our chances and he told us that he doesn't want to give us false hope with other procedures that will probably give us the same chance as if we just keep trying naturally. If we chose to use a different method, he said he would support that because we have to do what we are physically, emotionally and financially prepared for.
Also, I think that people sometimes forget that I live in Canada and health care is different here. Where I live, everyone has to travel great distances to see specialists. Some as close as 2.5 hours away and some as far as 6-10 hours away. Healthcare is also public so you can't just drop some money and demand to be seen by a specialist. You need a referral from another doctor and that referral is the doctor's choice, he or she can say no. And then you play the waiting game for weeks and sometimes even months to get seen by said specialist. For those who forgot or didn't realize, I saw Dr. L via teleconference. He is a 6-7 hour drive from me.
Do I want a second opinion? No, I do not. Dr. L has amazing reviews and from what I read is a pretty intelligent and sought after RE. And if I think about it, Dr. L is my second opinion. My OBGYN wanted to put me on Clomid. I am so very thankful that I decided not to take this route.
So, I do realize why people suggested that I get a second opinion. When I am crying and venting over my emotions about IVF, they see that as me saying I am not ready for such a step. While they are partially right, it is not accurate. I am overwhlemed. I trust 100% in Dr. L and what he recommends. If we wanted to try something else, he would support that. But he is giving us about a 12% chance with an IUI. I can have that much of a chance at home for free.
Dr. L was honest and open with us about his thoughts and diagnosis and I appreciate that. I don't feel the need to see another doctor.
So yes, I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. I am upset. I am scared. But do I think Dr. L is leading me down the wrong path? No. Do I want to seek help from a different specialist? No.
I hope this clears up any misconceptions that anyone had about me being upset and venting either here or on BOTB. I hope it doesn't look like I am being bitchy or snarky, I am just explaining my thought pocess (as foggy as it is) and my situation.
I am C&Ping a lot of this from a couple of private online conversations that I had because I am kind of sick of typing and retyping it.
So here goes:
I already feel confused about my T-TTC status because I was able to get pregnant once. Yes, I realize that was a miracle (as all pregnancies are in my mind) but we do have trouble and we do have issues. If we didn't, the RE would not have agreed to see us, right? If we didn't then I would have a baby or at least a pregnancy by now, right?
Dr. L is a very smart doctor and I found that he was very honest with us. Yes, we could try IUI or something else but he doesn't feel that will optimize our chances and he told us that he doesn't want to give us false hope with other procedures that will probably give us the same chance as if we just keep trying naturally. If we chose to use a different method, he said he would support that because we have to do what we are physically, emotionally and financially prepared for.
Also, I think that people sometimes forget that I live in Canada and health care is different here. Where I live, everyone has to travel great distances to see specialists. Some as close as 2.5 hours away and some as far as 6-10 hours away. Healthcare is also public so you can't just drop some money and demand to be seen by a specialist. You need a referral from another doctor and that referral is the doctor's choice, he or she can say no. And then you play the waiting game for weeks and sometimes even months to get seen by said specialist. For those who forgot or didn't realize, I saw Dr. L via teleconference. He is a 6-7 hour drive from me.
Do I want a second opinion? No, I do not. Dr. L has amazing reviews and from what I read is a pretty intelligent and sought after RE. And if I think about it, Dr. L is my second opinion. My OBGYN wanted to put me on Clomid. I am so very thankful that I decided not to take this route.
So, I do realize why people suggested that I get a second opinion. When I am crying and venting over my emotions about IVF, they see that as me saying I am not ready for such a step. While they are partially right, it is not accurate. I am overwhlemed. I trust 100% in Dr. L and what he recommends. If we wanted to try something else, he would support that. But he is giving us about a 12% chance with an IUI. I can have that much of a chance at home for free.
Dr. L was honest and open with us about his thoughts and diagnosis and I appreciate that. I don't feel the need to see another doctor.
So yes, I am overwhelmed. I am stressed. I am upset. I am scared. But do I think Dr. L is leading me down the wrong path? No. Do I want to seek help from a different specialist? No.
I hope this clears up any misconceptions that anyone had about me being upset and venting either here or on BOTB. I hope it doesn't look like I am being bitchy or snarky, I am just explaining my thought pocess (as foggy as it is) and my situation.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Another interview
In an attempt to think about or talk about something other than the RE and IVF and my poor emotional state I want to discuss my job.
As you know, I recently took a different job here at the hospital. A few weeks ago I had also applied for a job that is out of town (in a town about an hour away). The OOT job is for a Laboratory Assistant/Phlebotomist which is what I used to do and I love doing. I miss it a lot.
They called this week and booked me in for an interview on Thursday. I don't know what I am going to do. I haven't even started my new job yet and I am already interviewing for another position.
Let's imagine for a moment that they offer me the job.
If the schedule at the other job is steady and consistent I am going to see about working the new job around it and commuting and doing both jobs. I also thought about getting a weekend job as a bartender to make lots of good tips and then the IVF money would roll right in (ok, so I am not totally NOT talking about it)
I am just going to play it by ear for now. Do the other interview and see what it's all about. The commute would totally suck, I have done that commute before, but if the pay is good and the hours are good then I will seriously consider it. I will have to make sure that the benefits outweigh the downfalls. Like if I am waisting more money on gas than what I make, then it will certainly not be worth it.
So for now I just wait and play it by ear.
We'll see what happens on Thursday.
And if you believe that everything happens for a reason or that things fall into place. They scheduled the interview for a day that I should be working but booked it off because I am heading to go and babysit my niece and nephew for the weekend and I have to drive through the town where the interview is to get there. Could be coincidence....could be fate. I don't know what I believe in anymore so we will see.
As you know, I recently took a different job here at the hospital. A few weeks ago I had also applied for a job that is out of town (in a town about an hour away). The OOT job is for a Laboratory Assistant/Phlebotomist which is what I used to do and I love doing. I miss it a lot.
They called this week and booked me in for an interview on Thursday. I don't know what I am going to do. I haven't even started my new job yet and I am already interviewing for another position.
Let's imagine for a moment that they offer me the job.
If the schedule at the other job is steady and consistent I am going to see about working the new job around it and commuting and doing both jobs. I also thought about getting a weekend job as a bartender to make lots of good tips and then the IVF money would roll right in (ok, so I am not totally NOT talking about it)
I am just going to play it by ear for now. Do the other interview and see what it's all about. The commute would totally suck, I have done that commute before, but if the pay is good and the hours are good then I will seriously consider it. I will have to make sure that the benefits outweigh the downfalls. Like if I am waisting more money on gas than what I make, then it will certainly not be worth it.
So for now I just wait and play it by ear.
We'll see what happens on Thursday.
And if you believe that everything happens for a reason or that things fall into place. They scheduled the interview for a day that I should be working but booked it off because I am heading to go and babysit my niece and nephew for the weekend and I have to drive through the town where the interview is to get there. Could be coincidence....could be fate. I don't know what I believe in anymore so we will see.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The rest of my day yesterday
Yes I love Dr. L. I reall really appreciated his care, compassion and honesty.
But yesterday was an overwhelming day. I tried to keep my emotions out of yesterday's blog post because I just wanted to give all of you dear people who have been so supportive of me, the facts. So today I want to talk a bit about my emotions.
I had convinced myself that at the very most Dr. L may suggest an IUI. I thought he might have some other meds to try first or some treatment I had never heard of. I did not expect him to tell us that our best chance will be IVF. I was shocked. The thought shocked me, the price shocked me. My initial reaction was that I would beg, borrow and steal to get the money and I would start the process immediately. D, on the other hand is a little more realistic. And while at the time it hurt to hear him say he thought that we should keep trying au naturel for a while and saved up money for the IVF, I know he made sense.
So I cried. I cried for D, who unfortunately fell in love with a broken woman, I cried for my strong desire to be a mother, a desire that I have always had. I cried for everyone who has had to deal with this. I cried for all of things I will be giving up in order to be able to afford an IVF cycle.
Yes, it is good news that we are moving forward and getting help and I am 90% on board with all of it but it was just so overwhleming and shocking that my head is spinning, absolutely spinning.
So yesterday I sent the "What IF" video to my sisters and my mom along with this blog post by dear, sweet Sulfa. I wanted to get them to understand how I feel daily, it is something that people just don't get. Especially my family, the fertiles myrtles.
Then last night I told my parents and we told D's parents about what Dr. L said and all of that. We had to really tell them more about our TTC. My parents knew mainly but nobody really knew how long it has been. I think that all had it in their heads that since I got pregnant once, it will happen again. They didn't know how long we had been trying for when I finally did get my BFP.
It was hard to divulge all of that information and I cried at my ILs. I cried because I was ashamed, sad and embarassed. It was really the first time that I had to come out of the closet to them. They had a basic idea of what is going on but not the full details. I felt stupid for crying but I couldn't hold it in. I think that FIL was embarassed that I was crying because he is not used to people showing emotions. SIL is made of stone and he is not really the comforting type.
I don't really know how to wrap this up. I guess I just needed to vent my emotions a bit.
One day at a time.
Oh yeah and also, according to my chart I am 14 DPO. I think it is wrong so I am ignoring it and I am oretty sure that I feel AF coming. Wouldn't it be some weird twist if I was pregnant?!?!?!?!? If on the day that I saw my RE, I actually had a little teenie tiny miracle in my ute? Not likely, but imagine?!!?!
But yesterday was an overwhelming day. I tried to keep my emotions out of yesterday's blog post because I just wanted to give all of you dear people who have been so supportive of me, the facts. So today I want to talk a bit about my emotions.
I had convinced myself that at the very most Dr. L may suggest an IUI. I thought he might have some other meds to try first or some treatment I had never heard of. I did not expect him to tell us that our best chance will be IVF. I was shocked. The thought shocked me, the price shocked me. My initial reaction was that I would beg, borrow and steal to get the money and I would start the process immediately. D, on the other hand is a little more realistic. And while at the time it hurt to hear him say he thought that we should keep trying au naturel for a while and saved up money for the IVF, I know he made sense.
So I cried. I cried for D, who unfortunately fell in love with a broken woman, I cried for my strong desire to be a mother, a desire that I have always had. I cried for everyone who has had to deal with this. I cried for all of things I will be giving up in order to be able to afford an IVF cycle.
Yes, it is good news that we are moving forward and getting help and I am 90% on board with all of it but it was just so overwhleming and shocking that my head is spinning, absolutely spinning.
So yesterday I sent the "What IF" video to my sisters and my mom along with this blog post by dear, sweet Sulfa. I wanted to get them to understand how I feel daily, it is something that people just don't get. Especially my family, the fertiles myrtles.
Then last night I told my parents and we told D's parents about what Dr. L said and all of that. We had to really tell them more about our TTC. My parents knew mainly but nobody really knew how long it has been. I think that all had it in their heads that since I got pregnant once, it will happen again. They didn't know how long we had been trying for when I finally did get my BFP.
It was hard to divulge all of that information and I cried at my ILs. I cried because I was ashamed, sad and embarassed. It was really the first time that I had to come out of the closet to them. They had a basic idea of what is going on but not the full details. I felt stupid for crying but I couldn't hold it in. I think that FIL was embarassed that I was crying because he is not used to people showing emotions. SIL is made of stone and he is not really the comforting type.
I don't really know how to wrap this up. I guess I just needed to vent my emotions a bit.
One day at a time.
Oh yeah and also, according to my chart I am 14 DPO. I think it is wrong so I am ignoring it and I am oretty sure that I feel AF coming. Wouldn't it be some weird twist if I was pregnant?!?!?!?!? If on the day that I saw my RE, I actually had a little teenie tiny miracle in my ute? Not likely, but imagine?!!?!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Report from the RE
Well the appointment has come and gone.
It isn't even noon yet and I have had an hour long appointment with Dr.L, had blood drawn, and have discussed our options at length with D. And I barely slept last night.
Here is a summary of the appointment.
I love Dr. L. He was compassionate and said "sorry" more than once about our difficulties and about our miscarriage. He is a very smart man, very personable and he was great to answer all of our questions at length.
He, of course went over our history and all of that fun information. Then he started talking about our options. The first one he suggested was another Laparoscopy to see if my right tube could be unblocked and if not then possible remove it. I was not happy about this option but I decided to just keep listening.
The next option was to just keep trying on our own.
Then there is IUI. He didn't seem too enthusiastic about IUI and said that it would give us the same chance as if we just kept trying naturally. He said that he has many patient with 1 tube who have done IUI and it is rare that they get pregnant.
Then the final option was IVF. I was not expecting this. I really thought that IUI would be our best option but I guess I was wrong. He gave us a price for IVF, outlined it a bit (even though I have heard all about IVF from some amazing women who have been through it) and said this would be our best option and give us a 60-70% chance of conceiving.
He said that the choice is up to us and what we are prepared to do emotionally, financially and physically. He said he will understand and support whatever route we choose. He explained that some women like to try IUI first to see if that will work. I am not one of those women. If he is giving us the same chance as if we just kept trying naturally then I am not really interested in wasting all of that extra money that could go to IVF.
So now D and I are going to look at our finances and see where the money will come from. In the meantime I have ultrasounds and bloodwork to have done.
I asked him if it would be worth it to just remove my tube. He said the risk of surgery is not worth it.
I also learned something very very very interesting. He said that women in general ovulate mainly from their right tube and occasionally from the left. THAT EXPLAINS A LOT!!!!
At the end of the appointment he outlined the testing I needed done (including the baseline u/s to be done on CD 3-5 and I said, I will book that any day now when my period comes. He said "I hope that it doesn't come" Yep, it's official, I LOVE HIM!!!)
So, blog readers, it looks like I am moving on to IVF. Anyone have a rich uncle they want to lend me for a bit??
It isn't even noon yet and I have had an hour long appointment with Dr.L, had blood drawn, and have discussed our options at length with D. And I barely slept last night.
Here is a summary of the appointment.
I love Dr. L. He was compassionate and said "sorry" more than once about our difficulties and about our miscarriage. He is a very smart man, very personable and he was great to answer all of our questions at length.
He, of course went over our history and all of that fun information. Then he started talking about our options. The first one he suggested was another Laparoscopy to see if my right tube could be unblocked and if not then possible remove it. I was not happy about this option but I decided to just keep listening.
The next option was to just keep trying on our own.
Then there is IUI. He didn't seem too enthusiastic about IUI and said that it would give us the same chance as if we just kept trying naturally. He said that he has many patient with 1 tube who have done IUI and it is rare that they get pregnant.
Then the final option was IVF. I was not expecting this. I really thought that IUI would be our best option but I guess I was wrong. He gave us a price for IVF, outlined it a bit (even though I have heard all about IVF from some amazing women who have been through it) and said this would be our best option and give us a 60-70% chance of conceiving.
He said that the choice is up to us and what we are prepared to do emotionally, financially and physically. He said he will understand and support whatever route we choose. He explained that some women like to try IUI first to see if that will work. I am not one of those women. If he is giving us the same chance as if we just kept trying naturally then I am not really interested in wasting all of that extra money that could go to IVF.
So now D and I are going to look at our finances and see where the money will come from. In the meantime I have ultrasounds and bloodwork to have done.
I asked him if it would be worth it to just remove my tube. He said the risk of surgery is not worth it.
I also learned something very very very interesting. He said that women in general ovulate mainly from their right tube and occasionally from the left. THAT EXPLAINS A LOT!!!!
At the end of the appointment he outlined the testing I needed done (including the baseline u/s to be done on CD 3-5 and I said, I will book that any day now when my period comes. He said "I hope that it doesn't come" Yep, it's official, I LOVE HIM!!!)
So, blog readers, it looks like I am moving on to IVF. Anyone have a rich uncle they want to lend me for a bit??
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