So, I stopped charting. Pretty much the second that my period showed up. Pretty much the second that I learned that we will be taking the IVF route. I stopped. The obsessing, the early morning temping, tracking CM, timing sex perfectly. I stopped.
The problem? While I stopped all of the little stresses and annoyances, I also stopped knowing and with that brings its own breed of hopefulness. As much as I say I stopped obsessing, I still know on which cycle day we had sex. Even if I don't know if I was ovulating and even if I don't remember was my CM was like that day, there is still the chance for a miracle.
The miracle happened once for us and we now know just how much of a miracle that was but it still means that a miracle could happen again. It would be great and wonderful is the miracle did happen again.
Am I getting my hopes up? No. Ok, I am trying not to. I know it is possible but not very probable.
Would I rather get pregnant naturally and then take the IVF money and go on a tropical vacation with our friends when they go in February and go shopping for some much needed clothes? Yes. Would I rather continue our old routine of eating out on Friday evenings? Yes. Would I rather not pinch every single extra penny? Yes. Would I rather not stress about money and get overwhelmed when something unexpected comes up? Absolutely.
But would I trade the chance for a baby for any of that? NO!
So here I sit at CD27 with no knowledge of when I ovulated and no knowledge of how many DPO I am. And also with a rush to get some CD 1-3 bloodwork done before my appointment on Thursday. So, AF can show anytime. Though I am sure that she is planning to fuck with me, as usual.
Seeing Dr. L again in 1 week.
Hang in there honey. I haven no worthy advice for you but hang in there and HUGS.
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