Day by day I start to feel a little better. While I am still shattered and heart broken and devastated, I am finding a way to fight back to myself.
And while I truly and honestly think that a big part of me has changed, I am starting to feel back to somewhat normal little by little.
A big part of this is rational thinking. In my darkest days I gave up, I told D to leave me and then said I would just leave him because I am not able to give him what he wants and what he deserves. In my darkest moments I laid in the bottom of my shower curled in a ball, sobbing. D had to peel me off the couch, off the bed, off the bathroom floor. It wasn't pretty.
And today, as the light slowly started to creep back in, we talked. Rationally. And we made a choice. I told D I don't want to give up yet (even though I said that I did numerous times over the past couple of weeks). And while I am about 90% sure that I will never do a full cycle of IVF again, I don't want to give up. So instead of ignoring the appointment altogether, next week I will have my post IVF appointment with my RE and I will listen to what he has to say. I will ask many questions and we will make a new plan. I don't know if that plan is a FET (that is of course if they were able to freeze any remaining embryos), if that plan is charting and hoping on our 4-7% chance of conceiving spontaneously, or if that plan is exploring the idea of adoption. But either way, the plan will be put in place and we will continue and move on.
In the meantime, we are taking a bit of a break. I want my body to have time to heal (and I am sure the RE will suggest this as well) and my mind and emotions also need to rest and heal. We are still taking our vacation in April and we will not be 'protecting' against a pregnancy. I don't plan on charting but we all know how that goes.
So there it is. At this point, I can't handle the thought of going through this heartache again but I also can't handle the thought of living the rest of my life childless and knowing that D will never be a father.
For now, we wait to see what the RE will say next Friday afternoon.
good luck love!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts your way for your upcoming appointment.
ReplyDeleteI have been where you are. I'm glad to see you starting to find your way out of the darkness. Take it one day at a time, and LET D be with you and there for you. I guarantee that he is feeling just as much pain that he can't "fix it" and give you what you are wanting too.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. Always here to talk.