The shell that's left

Today it came to me. Exactly how I feel. It has been hard to describe. It's like a numb, empty, painful, full feeling. See? Makes no sense.

Today I figured it out. The Dee that everyone knew died. She is gone and what is left is a shell of a person that is just going through the motions. I care about nothing but my heartache. I was back to work today and thought to myself "All I can do is the job in front of me. I cannot be the cheery, happy person that people are used to, she is dead." Then came the OB ultrasounds for the afternoon and the calls to book the OB ultrasounds, and the URGENT ultrasound needed for the crack head to see how far along she is because she is too cracked out to know when her last period was. But she will deliver ANOTHER healthy, happy baby. A baby that she probably doesn't even want, a baby who will never know who its father is and a baby that will not even be important enough for her to straighten herself out. Another baby for her mother to raise.

Normally, this is my favorite time of the year. The World Juniors. Canada is going for Gold again and I can barely crack a smile over that. I am usually so hyped about it and excited but this year, I watch the games in silent. My nephew usually calls me after every period and we talk about the plays and the goals and the penalties but if he called, I wouldn't even answer the phone because I don't want to talk to anyone.

My BIL is taking him to the Bronze and Gold medal games. I should be jealous and excited for him and I should be telling everyone how lucky he is to get to be there live. But I am not. He wants to call me and talk about how excited he is but my sister won't let him because she knows I am in my bubble, behind my wall, in my deep, dark place. (I know this because my dad tells me)

Speaking of my dad. He came over yesterday with my lecture. I knew it was coming. When something bad happens in my life, I shut down. I build walls around me and I mope and cry. This time is no different and is probably even worse. So my dad, being the dad he is, wants to fix it all and came over to give me the lecture yesterday. And I just sat here and cried listening to him. I don't know what to do  but I know that his speech is not going to help this time. Everyone is worried, Dee. Everyone loves you and wants to be here for you, Dee. You can't go to that deep dark place, Dee. We cannot let you get so deep into a depression that it scares us, Dee. We are so worried about you, Dee.

And the shell that is left just sits and cries.