The Days are Long

The minutes don't go fast enough.

I am drained. All I do is lay on the couch and stare and cry yet I am exhausted. And sleep is the only way I can escape the heartbreak. For some reason I don't dream about it, my dreams are normal and I may even smile in them. And then for the 2 minutes while I am waking up, the pain seeps back in and the minutes go by at a painful and awful crawl.

I don't know what to do from here. I don't know how to begin to repair the broken heart. Poor D just sits and holds me and rubs my back and tries to get me to eat. I eat when I get hungry, which isn't often though. Maybe once or twice a day. But I eat.

I don't know what is worse. That I am going through this again? That I dragged my body, mind and finances through hell for something that I convinced myself was a sure thing? My body responded well, very well to all of the meds. Yes, I had many side effects and I was kind of miserable but it was all worth it because I just knew that this was going to work. I just knew it. Every nurse and doctor told me how well I was doing and they were all so positive and they were all so helpful and they convinced me that this would work. And now what? Nothing.

Now, not only am I losing ANOTHER pregnancy but I have to feel every pain and moment of it and I have to see it leaving my body.

I will never be a mom. I have always wanted to be a mom. I was never one of those teens that thought having kids would be horrible. I always knew that I would be a mom and a great mom at that. But now the dream is over.

I will not go through IVF again. I will not. It's too much. I really can't go through it all again. On top of the meds, the monitoring, the stress, the money, there is also the fact that I am away from home for 3 weeks during the whole thing. It's too much. I cannot and will not go through it again. I knew from the start that this would be a one time shot for us. I guess I just never really prepared myself for it not working. Or for another miscarriage.

How does a person look to the future anymore? My future always included a baby. And now it looks pretty lonely. Just me. I think about D and how much he deserves to be a dad and will I be enough for him? When his friends are all taking their kids skating or swimming, or to hockey practice and baseball games. When they are away for weekends at tournaments and out of town games. Will I be enough for him to just stay home and watch tv? My heart breaks for that. He feel in love with a broken woman and I don't know how to fix it.

I could go on and on about all of this. I think I needed a way to get this out. If you made it through the whole thing, I am impressed. Sorry to depress you and make you read all about my heartache and heart break.

I am happy to give 2010 a big huge FUCK YOU and while I know 2011 will not be any better, at least it's not the year where I miscarried twice, once after going through IVF and once after experiencing a wonderful miracle or the year when I realized that my dream of being a mom is over.