My outlet

This blog has taken many turns. It started as a random blog for my everyday life. It quickly became a hopeful TTC blog. Then took a turn to a possible Trouble TTC blog as I began fertility testing. Then briefly it was a miracle pregnancy blog. Then there was the first heartbreak of a miscarriage. Then back to a hopeful TTC blog with random musings thrown in here and there. Then it became a T-TTC blog and quickly an IVF blog.

And now? Now it is my outlet. There are not many (read any) people IRL who I really feel comfortable letting it all out with. I let bits and pieces here and there but I have trouble baring my whole soul to someone. It's weird.

Today was a bad day. My job is not ideal for someone who is going through what I am going through. Working in a Diagnostic Imaging department is not a great place for me to be. But it is what it is. Today seemed like a never ending stream of salt being poured into my wounds.

Today, I booked an ultrasound for a girl who was early in a pregnancy and spotting and my heart broke for her, I booked an ultrasound for a girl who I have seen before who has been a pain and has not taken her pregnancy seriously (I won't get into specifics but you can be sure that she is not happy about the 30 week old fetus in her womb right now), I watched as a young girl sat in the waiting room with her boyfriend laughing and giggling while she waited for her ultrasound to find out if there was still enough time for her to get an abortion.

I congratulated a girl I know who just got married last weekend (which was hard for me because even smiling these days is an extreme chore but I didn't want to be rude). She promptly asked me if we were "trying to have a baby yet??" I flatly said no and quickly turned around and walked away quickly while swallowing the giant lump in my throat.

I returned from my break to find my co-worker booking an ultrasound for a girl who screws a different guy every night of any given weekend. By that point I had had it.

Then I realized that my life (especially my work) is going to be one long day like today. People will always be pregnant, people will always have accidental pregnancies or pregnancies that they don't want. The world is cruel and unfair and I am stuck in the middle of it all wanting something so badly that I feel anger towards those who have it. I hate that part of this whole process. I have never been an angry, jealous, bitter person. Not until infertility finds you, do you truly understand what this is like.

Meanwhile, D sits by and holds me and waits for his wife to return. I am beginning to think she is gone forever.