D had to go back to work today. And while I have not been much company lately, it was nice to have him here. Here to hold me while I cry, here to keep me from having continuous meltdowns and here to answer the phone and field the calls that I just don't want to take.
And now he is working, for 12 hours. I am all alone for 12 hours and the loneliness is palpable. Yet another reminder of the quiet that my life is. The baby-less all alone, quietness.
You know how when you think about your future there is something particular in the picture? For me, for as long as I can remember I pictured a family. A husband, and at least 1 child, even 2. And now when I look at my future I don't know what I see. I have nothing to look forward to. For the past 3+ years I have been looking forward to a healthy pregnancy, to becoming a mother. And now? Nothing to look forward to and that is a heartbreaking adjustment.
Tomorrow I return to work. Return to the scene of my breakdown. My crying in front of my computer, my crying in my boss' office. I am sure I will be getting many sad looks and pitying glances. ::sigh::
I am still devastated, still heartbroken, still shattered. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
I should probably take a blogging break because these whiney, self centered, sad and depressing blogs probably don't make for a great read.
Don't worry about readability. We will read them anyway to support you and they will help you get it out so it doesn't bottle up inside you. Do what you need to do for you. that is the most important thing right now.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you today and always through this difficult time.
*hugs* Take a blogging break if you need it, but don't do it because of that. I want to keep up with what you will share with us and be here for you if you want. <3
ReplyDelete((hugs)) Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete:::hugs:::
ReplyDelete(((((()))) Honey, don't take a break if it is only because you feel bad about being whiney. You need to feel what you need to feel. But I understand if you want to take a breath for other reasons.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to tell you how sorry I am. I too had a miscarriage and it was one of the most painful things I've ever gone through (and I don't mean physically). So, I'm definitely sending you lots of thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeletePlease don't stop writing here just because you think we don't want to hear the whining. You need to get that out somewhere! I relied on my blog heavily for that too.
One last thing... this is probably not the time or place to ask this, but I'm curious if you have considered adoption or surrogacy. Please don't think I'm one of those people who just goes there ("why don't you just adopt?"), I don't mean it that way. But if you really are done with IVF, I was just curious if you would ever consider other methods of finding your baby? I just wish you that complete family that you so long for. Feel free to not answer this if you aren't ready, and I really hope I don't offend.