Good to be home

I love traveling and visiting other places, I love going to the city for the weekend but I am also glad to leave it and to come home.

My trip started last wednesday when we left to go visit at my sister's place for my niece's high school graduation. I wasn't going to miss this for anything in the world, she is more like a sister to me and I am so proud of her. The graduation was nice. It was so disgustingly hot in there and I didn't like the format of the graduation because it was too long but with 180 graduation students I guess there's not much you can do to shorten it up. I was really proud when I heard C's name get called for an award. She received an award for 'hard work and being involved in school activities' I was not surprised that she won this award...though I would not have been surprised if she had won every award ;)

After the graduation, D went back home to work for the weekend and I continued on to Toronto with friends for the 30th birthday party weekend for my friend. It was a blast!! On friday night we went to a comedy club and then out for some more drinks at a pub-like bar. Then we spent most of the day saturday shopping, even though I didn't really buy much. Then Saturday night was dinner at a delicious restaurant and out to go dancing. But when we got to the club the doorman informed us that the guys could not get in because they were wearing sandals. I figured there was a dress code but we kind of hoped it wouldn't be that big of an issue. Oh well...we found another place just next door, there was a live band and we ended up having a blast anyway. YAY!

Yesterday was a long day. I was tired from the hecticness of the previous few days and the trip home was long and exhausting, thankfully I wasn't driving. We stopped at a mall on the way home and I went to Lululemon and I got 2 pairs of pants (1 pair are capris) and 2 headbands for $85!! You can't get 1 pair of pants for that price over there! I was so excited, I love sales :):):)

So now I am back home, I started taking my temp again this morning (on CD 11, we'll see how this goes) I enjoyed my little break from taking the temps but I decided to start back again instead of skipping a whole cycle.

Good to be home...

Slightly annoyed

A few weeks back I posted about a friend being very judgmental about me possibly starting Clomid. I just wanted some support from my friend but instead she gave me a whole spiel about how I need to relax and realize that I haven't been TTC that long since my m/c (ummm, I didn't realize that having an m/c erased the 13 cycles before that where I didn't get pregnant) [she had an m/c just before I did as well so we really leaned on each other during that time]

So I had decided that I was going to keep any TTC conversations out of our friendship. But after my surgery I figured I should tell her about it. So I just informed her about the surgery and the results and how I reacted to it and the pain meds blah blah.

So I get a 2 liner back saying 'wow, that's crazy' and then telling me about the power of positive thinking and how it is her new motto. She did say that I might want to punch her for saying that. I kind of did and kind of didn't. I know that the mind is a powerful thing and I am staying positive because that is important for life but I told her that unfortunately being positive will not unblock my tube.

I am just a bit annoyed about it right now and needed to vent.

Off to bed now.

I have a busy week ahead

I enjoyed the long weekend. I spent some time in pain and annoyance over my slow recovery process after my procedure on Wednesday but I was glad that I was able to relax. The weather was gorgeous and I had a nice visit with my sister.

The upcoming week and weekend are going to be eventful to say the least. I started packing today and I am trying to not stress about the money. D told me not to worry about money and that we have done really well saving money so I don't need to worry about how much I spend and just go with the flow.

Here is the itinerary:

Tomorrow I work 3-7

Wednesday we leave to go to my sister's house for my niece's graduation on Thursday. I am so proud of her, she will receive a ton of awards and bursaries at grad. Not only is she the school president but she has really worked hard and got into 3 excellent Universities. She has chosen a University where she got into a special Communications program that is only offered at this one University in all of Canada. I am sure I will be Waterworks Mcgee at the grad. I can't believe she is already graduating from High School.

A pic of her and I from October '09

Friday morning D and I will start to drive toward home and we will meet up with friends of ours on the main highway, there I will hop in with them and D will continue on home. Then we are heading to Toronto for the weekend for a surprise 30th birthday weekend for one of my best friends. I am excited about the weekend but still a little stressed about how much the weekend is going to cost but like D said we have been doing really well at pinching pennies and putting money away for our Niagara Falls trip in June so that I would be able to go to this weekend in Toronto and not worry about things. It sucks that D has to work this weekend and will not be joining us in Toronto but we decided it would be more cost effective if only 1 of us went so D will come back home and work for the weekend.

On the TTC front, I have yet to start temping again after I took a break post O and pre-surgery. I didn't feel like temping because I wasn't sleeping great so I didn't want to wake up at 6am if I might not be able to fall back asleep. Plus I have a weekend coming up that I will be spending in a hotel room with 3 of my girl friends who are not really 100% in the know about my TTC and what is going on with me so I am not comfortable temping in front of them and then having that conversation with them about what I am doing. Chances are that I will start temping once I return from my weekend away. Hopefully that wont mess things up too much.

That's what is up with Dee.

Yes, I guess you are right

OK... so I know I have been posting nothing but posts about my surgery lately but here is another.

So I emailed a friend and gave her the gist of the procedure and what not. And she reminded me that I got no new information from this.

She is right. After my HSG I knew that my right tube was blocked and my left was open. After my surgery that is what I know too. I know that now that Dr. R knows what is blocking the right one that maybe he will come up with a better plan to help me get pregnant but at the end of the day, I got not new information...just the same stuff only more certain now.

I am sensitive today. I rented a movie and shall lay on the couch and probably cry.

Also, if this freaking air bubble floating around my innards doesn't dissolve or find a way out soon I may actually stab myself to hear it fizzle out of my body. As soon as I lay down at night I feel it push up on my ribs, diaphragm and then within seconds my shoulder starts hurting. Last night as I rolled around trying to get comfortable I actually heard it moving inside of me, it made the strangest gurgle of noise and it was so loud. Nobody told me about the air bubble.

I used to think I had a high pain tolerance but this is really starting to piss me off.

Hopefully I will find something new to talk about soon.

I am enjoying a relaxing long weekend, so that;s a good thing. My sister is here visiting and tomorrow we are going to my uncle's cottage for a ride on the pontoon boat and dinner. It's supposed to be hot out so maybe I will catch some rays.

Things I didn't know

I kind of went into that surgery without knowing what to expect. He told me he would put a camera through my belly button, look around, shoot some more dye in there and see what is blocking my tube. Sounds simple enough right?

Here are a list of things I didn't realize would happen:

-   I have 3 incision holes, he made 2 more to get some tools in there to poke around.

-    When they tell you that you will feel fine the next day or 2, they don't factor in the beating that your uterus took

-    They actually pump your belly full of air so they have an easier time looking around and while they try to release all of the air, some stays behind. This air then pushes on your diaphragm and gives your some pretty bad shoulder pain. Interesting side effect. And because the air is outside of your organs, you can feel it floating around in there and can't do a thing to push it out

-    When the doctor says your right tube is a big mess from a previous surgery but that he tried to clear it out, expect pain. Expect to feel like your right side has been repeatedly punched and kicked by someone twice your size and 250 times your strength.

-   When they give you pain meds, find out what they are before taking them. This 2 day hangover from a cocktail of medications that I am still not sure what it was is awful. For a girl who doesn't even take tylenol for a headache, giving me heavy narcotics was not the greatest thing for me.


Last night I cried, I was tired and frustrated and I couldn't get comfortable no matter how I laid. So I cried.  I cried for the unexpected pain I was in, I cried for the frustration I felt at having to struggle for a baby that comes so easily to some, I cried for feeling sorry for myself when so many people are much worse off than I am. I just cried.

Surgery day

I am still a big foggy so I hope this blog makes sense.

I got to the Day surgery ward, they got me all registered, gowned up and put my IV in. He was running a little bit behind so I was about an hour late getting into the OR.

I was told that I would be put under, intubated and then I would wake up in recovery. They set aside 20 minutes for my surgery plus 30 minutes in recovery. So D expected me back after about an hour.  I came back 2 hours later.

Here is my recollection:

I woke up in recovery and immediately had to puke. So I was heaving in the K basin and the nurse gives me some gravol through my IV. My throat and mouth were so sore and dry from the intubation that I could barely speak. She asked me if I had pain and I said yes. My stomach was very sore. So she gave me 4 pills to swallow, I didn't find out until later what they were and I am still not even sure. Because my gown was up around my waist I kept asking her if my butt was showing, but I had a lot of blankets on. I think I asked a couple of more nurses and D if it was showing.

When they wheeled me back to the Day surgery ward I immediately started crying for no apparent reason. I wanted to vomit again but since I have nothing to through up, it was just spit. I felt like complete crap and just sitting me up in the bed made me want to vomit. I then driften in and out of conciousness for a while. While I slept D left for a little walk (it was a really long day for him and i feel bad) the nurse came to see if I was ready to go, she was going to take out my IV and I would get dressed and get home. SHe lifted my bed to get me up and then walked away to get something. When she left I felt like I had to puke again. I couldn't find the K basin so I puked in my water cup. Lovely.

The day resumed like that, they finally told me that in recovery I got some Oxycodone, Toradol and I think percacet. Not sure. I did not react well to those meds and mixed with the gravol, I still feel like shit today. SO they gave me more gravol through my IV and sent me home.

At some point in that blurr Dr. R came to talk to us.
He said my left tube is perfect and open and the dye shot right through it. He said my right tube is a "big mess" (his exact words) He drilled and blasted and tried to open up the right tube and said after a while a little bit of dye went through. He didn't know how long that would last because the scar tissue was pretty thick and heavy but I will hang on to any hope possible. I am going to hold off on the Clomid until I see him again in 6 weeks and we can have a good conversation about it.

So that is that.

I am still feeling sick and dizzy and a bit stoned so I hope that made sense.

Oh, and there is 3 incision areas where he put in the camera and the tools, My right side feels like I got beat up by a string of boxers and wrestlers. I am in quite a lot more pain than I expected to be in, probably because he did a lot of manipulating in there.

Surgery tomorrow

Well tomorrow morning I will be up bright and early (not that bad actually) and hit the road to go to my Laparascopy and dye test.

In the past few days I have done pretty good staying off google and just trying to relax my mind. I have to look at it this way: A few weeks ago when I went for my appointment with Dr. R I expected to leave there with a plan. I left there feeling discouraged and helpless. After tomorrow there will be 100% certainty about what is going on in this body of mine.

There are a lot of things that I still don't know. Will he come and tell me what he saw/did immediately after surgery? That is the biggest one. I will ask and request for the results immediately. Either way they can tell D right? I might be too out of it to comprehend anything.

So, please think positive thoughts for me tomorrow. I will arrive at the OR at 9:40am Eastern time and I believe my surgery is at 11:40 or so.

I will update when I can.

A place to vent

I have a vent. Something that has been on my mind and bothering me for quite some time.

As I told you a few blog posts ago, I am a pushover. You will see this more in this blog post.

I am 28 years old and somedays I don't even know who I am. Who is the real me? I am the person who alters my personality bit by bit to suit those around me.

Now what I am about to say will be long winded and for the small few of you who actually read this blog, I can assure that you probably won't even get through the whole thing but these are feelings that I need to get out. I will also say that I know that people drift apart and that lives change.

Here goes:

Lately I have been really questioning my friendships. A couple of years ago I had a very very tight group of girlfriends. We went away on weekend trips together, we spent weekends going out and partying, staying in and relaxing, going to movies, getting together mid-week to watch certain tv shows. Slowly friends move away and lives become busy and those friendships while still there get put on the back burner, I realize this.

One thing I never realized was that maybe my 2 best friends are my best friends for the wrong reasons. I have been coming to the conclusion that maybe they are not that great of friends. It may be where I am at in my life but lately I have just felt that my friends are not as supportive as I might like them to be.

I am a people pleaser and I will bend over backwards for those that I love but there comes a point where I just can't bend that far, you know? I know that it is OK to be selfish sometimes but when I need someone it seems that nobody is there. When I need support I get criticism and if something is happening in my life it is not important unless it is happening to them too.

I know I am not getting too specific so this is probably confusing but I am really just trying to get the feelings out there. I feel under appreciated as a friend, I feel unsupported and criticized and I feel out of place. I feel like I am an after thought. I feel like I am the one putting out the effort and trying but don't get anyone making time for me in return.

Growing up I always made much better friends with guys than girls, then as I got older I finally grew close with a few girls and that was nice. It was really nice to have girlfriends but I think that my desire to make those relationships work trumped my happiness and I altered myself to be a friend to them, leaving my needs and my feelings buried.

I must be PMSing.

Google is not my friend

At least not when I am looking up anything and everything that has to do with a Laparascope.

The office of Dr. R called the other day to move my surgery earlier (it was originally in the afternoon) This is good because I am not allowed to eat anything. Lucky me! So while I had her on the phone I asked if I would be OK to go back to work on Friday. She said as long as he just did the scope and the dye test that everything should be fine, I would have some tenderness in the belly button area but I should be OK.

So of course my mind starts racing and wondering what else would Dr. R be doing?!?!
So I guess if the tube is too blocked and messed up that he may just remove it. How do I feel about this? Well it makes me a bit sad. I know the tube is blocked and it is useless and it is really not doing anything in there but actually removing it is a bit nerve racking and I am not sure why.

Then I google everything that can go wrong with the procedure and of course no good can come of that.

4 more sleeps...

At the Desk: Easy Target

I am the front line.

I am the face that you see when you register for almost any department here at the hospital. I am the voice that answers the phone. I am the face you see when you are leaving. I am the closest thing for you to yell at when you feel your wait is too long.

I am an easy target.

Here is something I will tell you about myself, not Dee the hospital employee, not Dee the woman you know from the internet, the real life Dee. I am a pushover. Big time. I hate confrontation, I care way too much what people think of me and I am a people pleaser. I would rather sit alone and cry for days and weeks than to tell someone that they hurt my feelings or than to stand up for myself. This is a trait that I have tried to change and I am slowly getting better but that is the way I am. (I blame it on being the youngest of the family and doing whatever I could to get my sisters to play with me or accept me)

Being at this desk makes all of us easy targets. This is where people let out their frustrations. This is where they feel it is appropriate to yell and scream and threaten. They do not do this to the doctor because he has the meds, they do not do this to the nurses because they have the power, they do this to us because all we do is sit here and take it.

This does not only apply to patient, this applies to the people who work in the hospital. If we are not moving quick enough for them, they yell. If a minor mistake is made anywhere, it becomes our fault. If a patient is late and we are doing everything we can to get them registered and sent to that department quickly, we are too slow.

Most days I sit here and let people speak to me like I am an idiot, like everything is my fault. I let people scream at me and yell at me and I just apologize and fix whatever problem they are having. I never hear a thank you.

Today, I hate my job.

Yesterday we took the maiden voyage in the new boat

I can't remember if I posted the story of how we acquired said boat on my blog so I will give a brief recap.

My dad decided that he was getting too old to lug around the longer boat and much much heavier motor and that he wanted something smaller that he and my mom could get some good use out of. So he came over and offered his old boat, motor and trailer to D and I. This boat belonged to my Pepere (french Canadian slang for grandpa) and my dad remembers buying it with him and how excited he was and he said it would break his heart to sell the boat. He wants it kept in the family.

I was very close with my Pepere, he passed away in 2001 and I miss him everyday. My world fell apart when he died and I feel so honored to now own something that was his. Something that he saved his money for and bough brand new.

So I was thinking that we should name the boat. When I was a kid I was pretty annoying, I never shut up and I would stick to my Pepere like glue. He used to call me his 'Mouche a Merde' this means 'Shit fly' because I was always buzzing around him like a fly to shit. So there you have it, I named the boat the 'Mouche a Merde'

The first outing in it was great. The weather was nice and sunny, it was a bit windy though which made it chilly but not bad. I outfished D and we had a wonderful day!

Getting ready to put it in the water

Aaaand, we're boating

Because I always have to be a goof

First catch of the day.

Second catch of the day (D made me actually touch this one, I am laughing my ass off)

Nice relaxing day

D finally caught one!

****No fish were killed in the making of this blog. All 3 fish were release back into the water.

Going on a cancellation list apparently pays off.

I just got a call from my doctor's office. There was a cancellation and I am able to be bumped up on the surgery list instead of waiting 6 months to be booked.

How soon you ask?

Wednesday! Yes, in 1 week from today I will be operated on. What should have happened in November is now scheduled for next week.

He will be doing a Laparoscopy and dye test to see just what is blocking my right tube.

I am shocked that I got in so quickly. I am a bit nervous.

D & D Love Story: Getting engaged

No major milestones happened for a while after D and I bought our house. We did some renovations, we talked about marriage, we talked about kids, we had arguments and fights...just life.

D's new contract at work had been at the negotiating table for months and months. Finally it went to arbitration and that process was also taking a very very long time. We knew that when the new contract was settled that D would be getting a raise and a big retro check. D was planning to use that money to buy my engagement ring. He hinted at this in many not so subtle ways so of course I was very anxious for his contract to be settled, months went by and still nothing.

One day we were talking about marriage and engagements and D told me that he was nervous about picking a ring for me. So, on a whim we visited the jewelry store so he could get an idea of what I liked. The girl there told us that I can create a "wish list" there so that when D was ready he would know the rings that I picked and what order I like them. So about a week or 2 later I went in and made my wish list.

As a child, we never carved pumpkins but D always did. So when him and I started dating we always carved pumpkins together. We always made it some kind of contest. So D said to me one day about a week before Halloween that we should have the contest on Friday the 27th since we were both off that day (this was also the day before my 25th birthday). So we went and picked out our pumpkins and prepared for the contest. I went online and printed some pretty cool patterns, I really felt confident enough in my pumpkin carving skills to beat him that year.

So the 27th finally came and D and I began carving our pumpkins around 9:30 or 10am. D was making a really big deal about not looking at each others pumpkins. As I was pinning the pattern on my pumpkin he was viciously carving away. Before I was even able to stick the knife in the pumpkin he said "OK! I am done!" and he went downstairs with his pumpkin to set it up on the bar to see how it looked. (our rec room is very dark because there are no windows). After a few minutes he yells upstairs:

OK, Come and look at my pumpkin!

No, I am not finished yet! That's not fair, I haven't even started. We have to look at them together to be able to judge.

Just come down and see it!!

No! I am not done

Please just come down here

No!

Come on Dee.

Geez! Fine!! But I am not even close to done yet.

Close your eyes!


So down the stairs I go into the dark with my eyes closed, this was quite dangerous-LOL. And when I reach the bottom of the stairs and face the bar he tells me to open my eyes and there it is. The only thing lighting up the room is the glow of his pumpkin carved with the words "Will U Marry Me" (he says there wasn't enough room to write 'you')

I am shocked and surprised and I say 'If this is a joke, I don't think it is very funny!' and then I notice him standing beside the pumpkin with the ring box in his hand. Tears, hugs, kisses, me saying yes, getting the ring, excitement. You know....the usual.

Not only am I not a mother...

but I am not a great daughter either.

I knew today was going to be hard. I knew it would be double hard because we have our niece and nephew for an overnight last night so I got to wake up on Mother's Day to a smiling baby's face. And while I love it, it was still hard. Very hard.

So I decided that I would bring my mom her gift yesterday in anticipation of wanting to lock myself in the house today and not see anyone. So when my mom called today to ask us to bring back the Shop Vac that we borrowed, I had to go over there.

We went over, I barely spoke and I did not say 'Happy Mother's Day' the words would not come out even if I tried. I am sure that hurt my mom's feelings. I don't know if she knows why I am upset, she asked me if I was tired today when we were there. I said no. I was not raised to talk about my feelings, I was raised to get over it, sweep everything under the rug and move on. Because of that I shut down all the time when I am feeling sad or emotional. I am working on getting better thanks to D but it's a work in progress.

I hope my mom isn't hurt by my lack of interest in today, I don't want to have to explain to her why I am upset today. I think that people just expect me to be over it and I worry that I am being judged for feeling the way that I do.

D went to MIL's for dinner tonight, he offered to stay home with me since I wasn't up to going but I told him that he needed to spend some time with his mom today and that I would be fine. I knew I didn't want to go over there because it would be an evening of listening to MIL and SIL talk about what they got for Mother's Day and how great it is to be a mom. Words that cut me deeper than any knife could.

I am sure that when D told them that I was not feeling up to going or that I was having a hard time today that they wouldn't get it. Neither of them ever experienced any type of difficulty with conceiving (both first pregnancies for them were OOPSES and I know that SIL got pregnant on her first try the second time around) and neither of them have ever had a loss like I have so I get that don't understand but again, I think that everyone just expects me to be ok or just assumes that I am OK. They don't have to think about it daily and deal with it.

I wanted to stay offline today. I knew that going to facebook would be hard and it was. I saw one friend comment how her husband was sick and her son too and that she would 'never forget her first Mother's Day' and the bitter bitch inside of me wanted to type: "I would give my right arm to be a mother even if that meant that everyone was ill for Mother's Day because that is part of that special gift!" but it is not her fault and she doesn't know she is hurting my feelings. I am just overly sensitive and sad today.

And another Mother's Day goes by and I remain childless...

At the Desk

My past 4 shifts have been insanely slow so nothing exciting has happened. So this is where I will dip into my archives and tell you a previous 'At the Desk' story.

First, let me explain how my desk works. There are 2 of us at a time at the desk (sometimes you are alone) We are side by side but the patients on the other side of the desk are separated by a divider wall thing. We are not protected by a window or anything, if a patient wants to jump the counter and strangle me it is very possible.

About 20-30 feet down the hall is the ER, they are locked up like Fort Knox and you need a code to get in. They are very rarely alone in there, meaning there is always a minimum of 2 nurses at any give time.

On the weekends, our shifts start at 7am. We are alone at the desk until 11am when the next shift begins.

One weekend morning (I can't remember if it was Saturday or Sunday but that is irrelevant) I get to work at 6:55am. I say bye to the Security Guard who is now gone until that night and I begin to log in to my computer, disinfect my work area, and start my day.

All of sudden one of our regular 'crazies' (let's call him C-for Crazy) comes out of the ER and the door promptly shuts behind him (and locks automatically). He comes flying over to the desk and starts to scream:

"This fucking place is bullshit! That nurse in there is nothing but a bitch!" the cursing proceeds as he is getting closer and closer to me. I push my chair back with my legs because he is now leaning over the counter waving his arms frantically.

"I am fucking dying and the fucking doctor hasn't fucking seen me yet, this fucking place is bullshit! That fucking nurse is such a bitch"

Suddenly I realize that by pushing my chair back I can no longer reach my panic button or the phone. Fantastic!

"C! Calm down! Why are you yelling at me? I have absolutely nothing to do with the way you were treated in there"
He didn't hear me because he was too busy yelling and at some point he slammed the plastic bag full of his pill bottles on the floor. They, of course, smashed all over the place and now there are unknown meds all over the floor.

"I am calling the Prime Minister and reporting all of you fucking bitches!!" By now he has backed away a little form my counter and is starting to walk away. He points at the mess he made on the ground. "Now fucking clean this up!"

And with that, he leaves.

I am sitting in my chair shaking. I immediately call the nurse in ER and start to tell them what happened before she cuts me off to say "oh well, if he comes back, call the cops"

So here I am, all alone and accessible to these crazies while they are in pairs behind a locked door and they shrug it all off like it's no big deal.

And that was a lovely weekend morning that I spent at the desk.

Moving on: summer vacation

I am sick of talking about Clomid for the moment. I have been better equipped with some more information so I have some serious research to do for the next couple of weeks and then I will go from there and D and I will make the decision that suits us the best.

Today I shall talk about trips. I have always wanted to go to Niagara Falls, I have been with D for almost 8 years now and I have been hinting at this the entire time. Finally last year I said "take me to Niagara Falls!" Fast forward to a few months later, I get an email at work from D. "I am booking my holidays and I have booked the following days off: . Pick where you want to go!"

Horray!!!!! The Niagara Falls trip is being planned.

Then the bathroom renos begin and they cost more than we expected and I see my trip slipping away. But we make it work and decide that we can still do it. YAY

Then I get an email from one of my BFFs (let's call her B), it is a mass email going out to friends that other BFF's (we'll call her E) husband has planned a trip to Toronto for E's 30th birthday party. All of a sudden my Niagara Falls trip seems to be vanishing before my very eyes. The birthday trip would be fun but it would be very expensive for the following reasons:

1-   it is on a weekend where I am scheduled to work and since I am part time and don't get vacation time, I am losing those hours.

2-   I am an insane people pleaser and not going to the party was not an option, I knew it would hurt E's feelings if I wasn't there and since the party is a surprise I couldn't really call her up and explain my situation to her. Plus if I had said 'I just can't afford it' then I envision people saying "What? She can't afford a weekend away for her BFF's birthday but CAN afford a trip to Niagara Falls??" Yes, that is not something a friend should day but I worry about what people think too much.

3-   The nights in a hotel, the food, the gas, the shopping, the night out and all other expenses will nto be small

So I spent days and days and days stressing about this. So D sat down and took a look at our finances (mainly his since he is the main bread winner in the family) and decided that yes, we can work it out.

He got his leftover vacation days paid out from last year and put those away and then he said we could just keep putting little bits of money away here and there and with the trip still a month and a half away we are already at $700 saved!!!

I am so happy that all of this is going to work out, I have been pinching pennies for a while now, my wardrobe is so out dated and simple right now because I haven't been shopping in a long time but it will all be worth it!

Yay for vacations!!!

Feeling so much better today!

I just had an amazing online chat with an amazing woman.

She gave me some great information and really made me feel better about this whole thing. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I am waiting impatiently for D to wake up so we can discuss this.

Thank you, Buckin!

Back from the doctor and feeling discouraged

So I woke up feeling positive and hopeful for the day. I knew that I would have a plan after my appointment with my doctor.

Well I am back from the doctor and not only do I not really have a plan but I actually feel more confused than I ever have.

Let's do a quick recap:

November 2007: got married, stopped using protection (I haven't been on the pill in years, we used only condoms for most of our relationship)

2008: Started TTC with a few breaks here and there (total TTC cycles from 2008-April 2009: 5)

November 2009: Saw doctor for regular check up, talked to him about having been TTC for 12 cycles with no luck (plus 2 years without using any protection). He informed me that he thought that my fallopian tubes were probably blocked from a bowel resection/appendectomy I had in my teens. I was devastated. So he ordered an HSG for me and a SA for D.

December 2009: D's SA came back perfect. My HSG showed that I have 1 open tube and the other is blocked by scar tissue.

January 2010: BFP and miscarriage.

February 2010: Doctor told me to heal from my miscarriage and to see him again in May and then we would start Clomid.

So, now we have reached today.

Today he decides that he wants to do a laparoscopic surgery to check out the tubes and see what is blocking the right one. Apparently he just assumed that it was scar tissue. OK, I can deal with that, as I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Then he informs me that he will get me booked for the surgery, his waiting time? 6 MONTHS!!! This is point where I almost fell apart. So then he asks "How do you feel about this?"

So I replied "I don't want to wait 6 more months"

So after some talking he decided to give me the prescription for Clomid and if I get pregnant in the meantime we will cancel the surgery. OK? no, not yet.

So I start going over my list of questions and this is what I find out. He will not do any monitoring if I take the Clomid. He said the ultrasounds are done to check for cysts and he will not do that unless I have some pain/discomfort.

He said the bloodwork is done to ensure that the person is ovulating on Clomid but since I already ovulate he is not worried about that.

So there you have it. I left there feeling worse.

So I have the prescription for Clomid and I have a few weeks before I need to decide if that's the route I want to take, unmonitored.

Is my desire to have a baby overtaking my brain?

The fact that I have not made a decision yet is pretty scary. My immediate reaction should be "NO! I am not taking this medication without being monitored properly" but it isn't and that is the sad reality of my deep desire to be a mother.

I have a lot of thinking and talking with D to do over the next couple of weeks. I really hope there is a cancellation and I don't have to wait 6 months for the surgery.

::BIG DEEP GIANT SIGH::

Big day tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a big day.

Tomorrow, we will have a plan. Will that plan be to start Clomid? Will that plan be to travel more than 5 hours away to see an RE? Will that plan be to keep trying naturally on the off chance that a pregnancy miraculously happens again? I don't know the answer today but tomorrow I will.

My appointment is at 10:30 tomorrow morning, which means I will probably get into his office around 11:30 or later (though the wait is usually better in the morning). I will come here and update as soon as I get home but it will be later in the afternoon because we drive an hour and a half out of town to see my doctor and we have a bit of shopping to do after the appointment.

I have my list of questions, I am ready to drill him and then we will go from there and see what happens. I am nervous but I am also excited. I feel weird about being excited but I guess it is because I will have a plan.


On a related note, it's funny how much you change and how much your plans change when you are dealing with loss/trouble TTC/infertility. I always knew that I wanted 2 kids. I also figured that I would have at least one of those kids by now. I had a talk with D and I told him that this whole TTC journey of ours has been really emotionally draining and really hard on me and I really don't think I can do it again. So I have altered my plans and decided that this is a 1 time shot for me. If I have twins, triplets, a singleton it doesn't matter my plan is to only go through this hell once.

Now of course this plan may change. I may decide to take trip to hell again in the future when all of my wounds are closed up and healed but as of right now that is my choice.


In 24 hours, I will have a plan.