Back from the doctor and feeling discouraged

So I woke up feeling positive and hopeful for the day. I knew that I would have a plan after my appointment with my doctor.

Well I am back from the doctor and not only do I not really have a plan but I actually feel more confused than I ever have.

Let's do a quick recap:

November 2007: got married, stopped using protection (I haven't been on the pill in years, we used only condoms for most of our relationship)

2008: Started TTC with a few breaks here and there (total TTC cycles from 2008-April 2009: 5)

November 2009: Saw doctor for regular check up, talked to him about having been TTC for 12 cycles with no luck (plus 2 years without using any protection). He informed me that he thought that my fallopian tubes were probably blocked from a bowel resection/appendectomy I had in my teens. I was devastated. So he ordered an HSG for me and a SA for D.

December 2009: D's SA came back perfect. My HSG showed that I have 1 open tube and the other is blocked by scar tissue.

January 2010: BFP and miscarriage.

February 2010: Doctor told me to heal from my miscarriage and to see him again in May and then we would start Clomid.

So, now we have reached today.

Today he decides that he wants to do a laparoscopic surgery to check out the tubes and see what is blocking the right one. Apparently he just assumed that it was scar tissue. OK, I can deal with that, as I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Then he informs me that he will get me booked for the surgery, his waiting time? 6 MONTHS!!! This is point where I almost fell apart. So then he asks "How do you feel about this?"

So I replied "I don't want to wait 6 more months"

So after some talking he decided to give me the prescription for Clomid and if I get pregnant in the meantime we will cancel the surgery. OK? no, not yet.

So I start going over my list of questions and this is what I find out. He will not do any monitoring if I take the Clomid. He said the ultrasounds are done to check for cysts and he will not do that unless I have some pain/discomfort.

He said the bloodwork is done to ensure that the person is ovulating on Clomid but since I already ovulate he is not worried about that.

So there you have it. I left there feeling worse.

So I have the prescription for Clomid and I have a few weeks before I need to decide if that's the route I want to take, unmonitored.

Is my desire to have a baby overtaking my brain?

The fact that I have not made a decision yet is pretty scary. My immediate reaction should be "NO! I am not taking this medication without being monitored properly" but it isn't and that is the sad reality of my deep desire to be a mother.

I have a lot of thinking and talking with D to do over the next couple of weeks. I really hope there is a cancellation and I don't have to wait 6 months for the surgery.

::BIG DEEP GIANT SIGH::