A place to vent

I have a vent. Something that has been on my mind and bothering me for quite some time.

As I told you a few blog posts ago, I am a pushover. You will see this more in this blog post.

I am 28 years old and somedays I don't even know who I am. Who is the real me? I am the person who alters my personality bit by bit to suit those around me.

Now what I am about to say will be long winded and for the small few of you who actually read this blog, I can assure that you probably won't even get through the whole thing but these are feelings that I need to get out. I will also say that I know that people drift apart and that lives change.

Here goes:

Lately I have been really questioning my friendships. A couple of years ago I had a very very tight group of girlfriends. We went away on weekend trips together, we spent weekends going out and partying, staying in and relaxing, going to movies, getting together mid-week to watch certain tv shows. Slowly friends move away and lives become busy and those friendships while still there get put on the back burner, I realize this.

One thing I never realized was that maybe my 2 best friends are my best friends for the wrong reasons. I have been coming to the conclusion that maybe they are not that great of friends. It may be where I am at in my life but lately I have just felt that my friends are not as supportive as I might like them to be.

I am a people pleaser and I will bend over backwards for those that I love but there comes a point where I just can't bend that far, you know? I know that it is OK to be selfish sometimes but when I need someone it seems that nobody is there. When I need support I get criticism and if something is happening in my life it is not important unless it is happening to them too.

I know I am not getting too specific so this is probably confusing but I am really just trying to get the feelings out there. I feel under appreciated as a friend, I feel unsupported and criticized and I feel out of place. I feel like I am an after thought. I feel like I am the one putting out the effort and trying but don't get anyone making time for me in return.

Growing up I always made much better friends with guys than girls, then as I got older I finally grew close with a few girls and that was nice. It was really nice to have girlfriends but I think that my desire to make those relationships work trumped my happiness and I altered myself to be a friend to them, leaving my needs and my feelings buried.

I must be PMSing.