but I am not a great daughter either.
I knew today was going to be hard. I knew it would be double hard because we have our niece and nephew for an overnight last night so I got to wake up on Mother's Day to a smiling baby's face. And while I love it, it was still hard. Very hard.
So I decided that I would bring my mom her gift yesterday in anticipation of wanting to lock myself in the house today and not see anyone. So when my mom called today to ask us to bring back the Shop Vac that we borrowed, I had to go over there.
We went over, I barely spoke and I did not say 'Happy Mother's Day' the words would not come out even if I tried. I am sure that hurt my mom's feelings. I don't know if she knows why I am upset, she asked me if I was tired today when we were there. I said no. I was not raised to talk about my feelings, I was raised to get over it, sweep everything under the rug and move on. Because of that I shut down all the time when I am feeling sad or emotional. I am working on getting better thanks to D but it's a work in progress.
I hope my mom isn't hurt by my lack of interest in today, I don't want to have to explain to her why I am upset today. I think that people just expect me to be over it and I worry that I am being judged for feeling the way that I do.
D went to MIL's for dinner tonight, he offered to stay home with me since I wasn't up to going but I told him that he needed to spend some time with his mom today and that I would be fine. I knew I didn't want to go over there because it would be an evening of listening to MIL and SIL talk about what they got for Mother's Day and how great it is to be a mom. Words that cut me deeper than any knife could.
I am sure that when D told them that I was not feeling up to going or that I was having a hard time today that they wouldn't get it. Neither of them ever experienced any type of difficulty with conceiving (both first pregnancies for them were OOPSES and I know that SIL got pregnant on her first try the second time around) and neither of them have ever had a loss like I have so I get that don't understand but again, I think that everyone just expects me to be ok or just assumes that I am OK. They don't have to think about it daily and deal with it.
I wanted to stay offline today. I knew that going to facebook would be hard and it was. I saw one friend comment how her husband was sick and her son too and that she would 'never forget her first Mother's Day' and the bitter bitch inside of me wanted to type: "I would give my right arm to be a mother even if that meant that everyone was ill for Mother's Day because that is part of that special gift!" but it is not her fault and she doesn't know she is hurting my feelings. I am just overly sensitive and sad today.
And another Mother's Day goes by and I remain childless...
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