Before I hit rock bottom

I know, I know my blog posts have been a whine fest. If I have even 1 reader left I would be shocked. But I find it easy to release my emotions and my feelings here. So if you still follow me please stick around and just choose to ignore my Debbie Downer posts when I have them.

The way I have been feeling lately has not been good. I have been in a self pity, quiet, sad and depressed state. I felt bad talking to D about it because I was worried about what he would think of me for feeling so selfish, I am not that kind of person. Plus sometimes when I am sad or upset I shut down. I have gotten better in recent years but as a defense mechanism when I am sad I shut down and keep to myself. It's not good but it's the way I was raised. You are sad? Suck it up and move on!

I couldn't take it anymore. D noticed that I had been quiet and withdrawn and I am sure he figured out why. So I decided that I needed to talk. So I let him read my blog post about why I am so upset. Things are catching up to me.

He informed me that he had a feeling that is why I was upset then he said "you know, when L told you she was pregnant and I heard you scream (from joy) through the open window, I knew what it must be and my heart sank too"

This was the first time that D has ever expressed his feelings about our fertility issues to me. I knew it must bother him but he has always just been my rock. Been there to hold me while I cried, been there to listen to me vent, tell me it will be OK, drive me to all of my appointments. He is a great man and he loves me so much.

I asked why he didn't tell me how he felt and he said that he didn't want me to think poorly of him. Then he said "exactly why you probably didn't want to tell me"

Then of course I started to cry. I told  him that I didn't want him to be disappointed. It's a tricky thing to be in a situation where you have fertility issues. D has no problems in that area, he actually has "a lot of sperm" and they are healthy and good swimmers. I am the problem. I know it is not my fault, I know there is nothing I did to end up like this. But it is a hard thing to know that the problem lies with you. I worry that I will never be able to give D a child. I told him that "if it wasn't for me you coudl have 20 babies by now!" and beign the amazing man that he is he replied with "I don't want 1 baby unless it is with you"

::sigh::

An amazing woman that I met on BOTB and who is now my facebook friend shared this link. It is an article that describes what an infertile couple deals with and why they choose to be secretive about it. The article spoke to me so much. I often wonder where I fit in. I hate to call myself "infertile" because we were able to get pregnant on our own. And I do have a good cycle and 1 good tube. You will notice that I mostly use the term "trouble TTC" or "infertility issues" This article help me to realize that I am not alone in the way I feel. Sometimes I have thoughts that make me feel like a horrible person but it is nice to know that I am not a complete monster and I am not the only one who feels that way.

If you are interested, here is the link. It is a long article but well worth the read if you deal with IF or if you have ever wondered what it is like.
http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility

Thank you to my dear, brave friend who chose to speak out about her infertility and share this link. B, you are incredibly brave and strong even though you probably don't feel like it every day. I look to you as an inspiration. I still choose to keep our struggle hidden and it's people like you who motivate me to get even an inch closer to coming clean.