Yesterday my best friend told me she is pregnant.
I am over the moon happy for them. They are keeping it very very quiet right now because they also experienced a loss but we are very close and I would have been able to tell something was up so she told us. She was scared to tell me because she knows that there is that moment of "happy for you but sad for myself" but I didn't have that sad for myself moment until later(I will get to that). They deserve this baby and I hope that this is their sticky baby. She will be having an early ultrasound and I hope hope hope hope there is a nice solid heartbeat so that she can relax and start to enjoy this pregnancy.
So last night we went out. I did not want to go out, I wanted to stay home and relax and not be hungover today. But against my better judgment I decided to go and have a good time. I played beer pong and drank a lot. I got very very drunk. Good thing I am a happy drunk because that could have got very emotionally messy.
As I was getting ready my emotions hit me. I have 2 best friends. I have a third close friend who I don't get to see as often because she is doing her Med school residency and has a crazy schedule. The first best friend and I started to TTC around the same time. She had a baby in September. The 2nd best friend is the one who told me about her pregnancy yesterday. And the third friend is also expecting. D's best friend and his wife (also another close friend) are expecting as well.
Don't get me wrong. I am over the moon happy and excited for all of my friends, they deserve all of the happiness and I am excited to have new nieces and nephews. I am genuinely very happy for them.
But then I look at myself and wonder what I did wrong to deserve this fate. I feel like I am being left behind and I worry that if this doesn't happen for me then I am going to drift away from my closest friends because our lives will be in different places. My friendships are important to me and I am so afraid of losing these wonderful people in my life all because my stupid body doesn't function properly.
I feel like a horrible person for acting this selfish. It really has nothing to do with any unhappiness towards my friends and their amazing news. I just wonder why me. And that is a horrible way to be but when you want something so badly and you see everyone else getting it, you tend to wonder why it isn't happening for you.
Is it September 1st yet?
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