Not good news

I woke up today and when I peed I realized I was bleeding, red this time. So I started to hyperventilate and I called D, who was at work (he is a paramedic). He immediately jumped in the ambulance and came to get me. I am not sure how I got dressed but somehow I put clothes on and off we went to the hospital.

The good thing was that I was not having any cramps and the doctor that was working in the ER is an OB doctor as well. He came in and discussed what could be happening, he explained that if I started to cramp and bleed heavily that yes, I was having a miscarriage. He explained a lot of other things that kind of seem like a blur right now. So, I came home to "rest"

Not long after I was home light cramps started, they felt like the normal pregnancy cramps I had been experiencing but were coming and going more often. Then they weren't going and that started the most extreme cramps I have ever experienced in my life. I get pretty insane period cramps but these were period cramps amplified to a number that doesn't exist. I tried to suffer through it but D finally convinced me (force fed me) some tylenol to help take the edge off.

So that's where I am now, the cramps are not AS bad but they are still there and I am still bleeding. I am miscarrying. The doctor said if it keeps up he will do an ultrasound on Monday, though I am not sure what the point is.

I know that the good news is that we now know that getting pregnant naturally IS possible for us. I really cannot focus on anything positive right now though. It took us a long time to get here and then it is taken away from us so quickly. It is not fucking fair and it is insanely impossible not to blame myself....but I know it isn't my fault and I know I didn't do anything wrong.

This fucking sucks. I want to scream and swear and punch things and I just want this whole nightmare to be over.

I would actually like to wake up from this awful nightmare but I know that is not going to happen.

This was supposed to be my LUCKY number 13 cycle. Fuck you, I am changing the name of my blog again, I want no reminder of any of this right now.